- Chapter Twenty five - "His inner turmoil."

In his drowsiness, Jaejoong could hear a melody played not far from where he was resting. His surrounding felt so quiet and warm, soothing his sore body and exhausted mind as if he was in a haven far from the tumult of his life. Suddenly, the peaceful atmosphere was interrupted by a wrong note coming from a music instrument.

An acoustic guitar exactly.

He could not help but smile at this interlude in this quiet mood. Jaejoong chuckled softly at the curse word coming from someone who seemed to be so close to his person. Then, he opened his eyes abruptly at the recognition of that voice.

And there not far from him, sitting on the edge of this soft and pristine but cotton candy like bed he was laying on, he saw his Ha-chan scratching onto the strings of an acoustic guitar in her hands clumsily, then she looked up and smiled at him before starting to sing.

"Gieokhae heaven dapdaphae heaven... Neomajeo jeomjeom heuryeojyeo... Sasil na museowo... Neoreul barbwado al suga eomneun ge... (Remember heaven, it's frustrating heaven... Even you grow fainter... Actually, I'm scared... that I can't know you even when I'm looking at you...)"

Jaejoong smiled at how his wife was trying to sing the best she could. It was more struggling with her breath and words than going smoothly. But in his eyes, her way of singing was endearing. Then he followed her as the song she was singing was one of his personal composition.

"Sarangeul dasi doedolligo... Seolle yeohamyeo ireumeul tto mutgo... Urin tto cheossarangeul haeya hago... Bichi dachi anneun heaven geugose... (We will turn back our love... Ask for each other's names with racing hearts... we need to have our first loves again... In heaven where there is no light...)"

The song was inspired by her. And he could remember those past few weeks he had spent on it with her staying at his side, struggling to endure the pain of her illness while making sure that her pregnancy was going into term. Doctors had said seven months. But their baby girl had shown herself a bit sooner than expected, making the two of them in danger. At the end, he lost his wife and mother of his baby girl. However, Heaven was clement to him, letting him keep his daughter safe and sound.

His last gift from his beautiful wife.

"You sing better than me." Hana said with a smile on her lips as she held onto the instrument in her arms, looking at her husband lovingly. The man was trying to hold onto his tears which were menacing to fall from his does like eyes at any time.

"Because I'm a singer." He said back playfully, looking at her in the same way. He missed her. He really missed her so much.

"You seem to endure it better than last time." She added softly, an adoring smile painting on her lips.

Jaejoong closed his eyes and could only nod, knowing to what she was referring while a teardrop fell on his cheek. "I did well this time, right?" He said, pressing his lips together as he was waiting her to praise him and wiped away the warm liquid falling from his eyes.

"Yes, you did well. And I am proud of you. But it would be better if Yunho oppa had followed the schedule they had planned for your ten years anniversary. Things would never escalade into this hate-and-love situation. It's like seeing you all turn back time to stand in this hurtful situation years ago when everything went into chaos as the group was split into two. You were hurt. And you're still hurt..."

"I thought a lot." Jaejoong said with a small smile. "Even if he followed... if we followed what SM Entertainment had planned for that night, people would still find something to say. People can't forget easily. What happened is not something we can forget. Mostly if things aren't said clearly. There will always be a grey zone. And everyone can speculate and think whatever they want. So, you don't have to be angry with him. Yunho-yah was only trying to do his best as the leader of our group."

Hana laughed softly. "You never changed. Even before, you were always defending that man. And you still find every excuse for him." She heaved a sigh and smiled at her husband. "He is indeed the man of your life."

"Are you angry?" The man asked with worry.

"No. I am not angry. Why should I?" She shook her head. "It amuses me to see you like that. Your feelings for him never changed. You still see him as the most important person in your life. And you still love him." Hana pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear and added softly, "...I will never blame you for loving him. I am a parenthesis in your life. But, I know I am not nothing to you. And this is good."

"I can never hide anything from you." Jaejoong chuckled softly.

"No!" Hana said quietly.

"You're too good for a man like me."

"Let's say that we are compatible in every point. But, the love we have for each other is way more than the common love people feel for one another." She brushed her fingertips over his cheek. "So, it's good? Good that things turn like that?" she demanded with her most beautiful smile painting on her lips, her eyes still set on the frail but beautiful man in front of her.

"Yes! More than good." He nodded, returning her smile as he dragged his knees against his chest and resting his chin on them.

"Why?"

"Because he put me first for the first time." He chuckled softly.

"Yes, he put your first. Something you always wanted."

They stayed silent for a while, still looking at each other. It felt good to see her again. The last time Jaejoong had seen her in his dream, it was fifteen months ago. It was her goodbye to him before he decided to let go of her. And not a week later, he was standing in front of a coffin, looking down at her sleeping figure. A sleep she was never going to wake up from that day onwards.

"Don't cry." She said as she wiped away the teardrops streaming down from his beautiful doe eyes. It was always amazed her. How a man could be beautiful than a woman, but still be a man.

"I miss you." He said as he wrapped his fingers around her wrist. And tears fell more from his eyes at the feeling of her being so real.

"I know. And I miss you too."

"I have so much to say... but I don't know where to start." Jaejoong stated before his lips.

"Take your time." Hana breathed out softly as she wrapped her arms around her husband trembling figure. "I won't go anywhere. I'm here for you. I'm here until you are ready to move on... to let go of our past..."

"But for how long..." He said in a low and shaky voice.

"I am going to be with you until you don't need me."

"And if I don't want to let you go?"

"Letting go of me or our past doesn't mean that you will forget me." She rocked him in her arms softly, knowing very well what her husband was scared the most. "What you had with Yunho oppa, you never forgot it. But, the good and the bad coming from that relationship were a reminder for you to do better with me. And what we had will be another reminder for you to make things right with the person you're going to choose to be with in the near future." Hana said softly as she rubbed soft circles on her husband's back. "I will be the best of your past memories. I am also the saddest of them. But, I know, I will be the only one who will influence all your decisions from now on. So, please, don't shut yourself from living a good life. Don't make me play the bad role. I don't want to be the poor excuse for you to give up of any chance to find your happiness. Do not forget. You're not alone. Our baby girl has the right to be happy too."

Jaejoong chuckled softly and bumped his forehead against his wife's before pulling away from her embrace. "I never saw a wife so eager to push her husband in the arms of another person than her."

"Well, it's yummy to see you with Yunho oppa!" She grinned.

"Junsu was right. My wife is a Yunjae shipper." He rumbled under his breath and crossed his arms over his chest, faking disappointment and anger.

"Whose fault it is?" Hana demanded not affected by his sour mood.

"Not me but your ert mind." Jaejoong rolled up his eyes annoyingly.

"Oww! Don't fuss Princess. I am doing it because I want to get myself a y angel to stand at my side."

"God! What kind of woman are you?" He sighed playfully.

"A woman that you loved."

"Really... I pray for that angel to have a lot of stamina. You did all my strength away. Like a vampire queen."

"I'm not that bad." She huffed, hitting Jaejoong's shoulder in a fair play.

"You're right. You're not that bad." He said with a smile painting on his lips.

Then, they burst into laughter at their playful banter. It felt nostalgic. However, it felt so good to be together like this. There was no sadness and no regret, just a feeling of gratitude. A feeling of love for someone who had an important place in their lives.

"I miss this so much." Hana said with a smile.

"Me too." He replied before chuckling softly and tears began to fall from his eyes.

"You became a cry baby." Hana said as she his cheeks with her palms. But she also could not hold back her tears.

"I should never come back." He breathed out.

"Why?"

"Because of me... Yunho's and Changmin's reputation..." He heaved a forlorn sigh. "They were doing great without me. People seem to forget about the split as if the five of us never existed. Now, I'm back and people talk badly about them behind their back. They could do so much better without me."

Everything felt so wrong after their show for their ten years anniversary. There were people who still believed in him and still appreciated him. Their affection was not fake and he wasn't going to deny their feelings. But, compared to those who didn't think of him more than a burden to Yunho and Changmin - even if they weren't numerous - it hurt so much.

What they were facing at this moment wasn't what they expected. When they were still five, everything seemed so ethereal, as if they were really five Gods standing above all. They were under the impression that nothing would happen to them. That the world was theirs. However, the reality was by other means. The split, the unsaid reason behind their separation, those harsh words throwing to each party, those years of not seeing each other and his departure from the music industry had taken a tool on the hope of their fans until they didn't know what or who to believe, splitting themselves as they followed their biases hanging on their first love, on their affection for the one they chose to believe more than a group. And things had fallen into peace as everyone was trying to move on from that tumult.

But now, he was there standing next to Yunho and Changmin while Junsu and Yoochun were still alone. Some fans saw him as a traitor and for others as a profiteer. In any of those roles, Jaejoong was seen as a bad person.

"What are you going to do? Giving up?"

"I don't know."

"Knowing you, you would disappear for good." Hana laughed softly and flipped her husband's forehead playfully with the pad of her index. "But, now you are stronger than before. You won't let them say bad things about them. Because those people, the four of them, are not nothing in your life. They are your friends, your brothers and one of them hold your heart like no one in this world. And like them, you are ready to do anything for them. I'm right?"

"But thinking of doing something... I don't know... I really don't know what I can do." Jaejoong said in a low voice. "Yoochun and Junsu are left alone. Yunho and Changmin are too kind. And me... I am just a betrayer and a parasite... I don't have any real talent... I am nothing good..."

"Who said to you that you are nothing?" Hana gritted through her teeth angrily. "I'm going to haunt those poor souls for the rest of their lives. My husband is more than nothingness. Where can they find a better man than you?"

Jaejoong could only chuckle at her outburst. And Hana just smiled at the sight of her husband feeling a bit better thankful to her.

"You are not nothing. In my eyes you are the best of the best that world could have." She said softly. "You are a good husband, a good father and a good friend." Hana took the acoustic guitar that she put next to her and gave it to Jaejoong. "Please, sing for me. Sing for Capucine. And sing for the people who still believe in you. You don't have to prove them anything. Because they already know what kind of man you are. You just have to remember them of who you are." She smiled softly.

Jaejoong said nothing as he set his eyes on the instrument. His Ha-chan was telling him to sing and to do only that, never thinking of all the bad comments and all the animosity people gave him. He just needed to do what he was the best.

"Whatever you do... don't go there again... Charari naega neol daesinhae danyeoolge... (I'll take your place and go for you...)" Hana began to sing softly. Her voice wasn't the best as she was not a singer. Her singing was bad as it was not consistent. But, he was never tired of hearing her voice. "Do your best." She brushed her thumb on his cheekbone with a smile. "Show them who is the real Kim Jaejoong. Who is my real Kim Jaejoong."

"I love you." He breathed out with a sad smile on his lips, feeling that their time was going to end soon.

"I love you too." She said lovingly.

"I love you three."

Hana burst into laughter at how cheesy this Kim Jaejoong could be. And the man in front of her just chuckled with her, feeling amused by himself. But, it was what his wife loved to play with him. And he was happy to give her this moment, knowing that maybe in the near future he was not going to see her again.

"My beloved oppa." She murmured softly, a smile still painting on her lips.

He closed his eyes not wanting to see her disappear from his sight suddenly. Jaejoong felt her warm and soft lips on his before there was nothing. And he knew she was not with him anymore. He pressed his right palm on his mouth, muffling his cry as tears fell down from his still closed eyes.

"Ha-chan..."

-----

Jaejoong opened his eyes slowly and he could hear the worry in Changmin's and Yunho's voices. The man was feeling tired and empty suddenly as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He lifted his right arm and pressed his forearm all over his eyes, hiding those tears from the two other men.

"Hyung?" Changmin called out as he saw his hyung crying in silence.

"Jaejoongie?" Yunho followed not knowing what to do to appease his friend's distress at this moment. He just let the other cry in silence as he rubbed softly his thigh, making sure that no one was going to see Jaejoong's weak moment. However, the people in this lounge could feel something wasn't right with the older member of the group and stayed still not wanting to disrupt their moment. "Are you okay?" The leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki asked softly after a few minutes.

The older man nodded as he lifted himself into a sitting position on the soft sofa he was lying since the break an hour ago. He wiped away the remnant of his tears hoping that no one than Yunho and Changmin had seen him cry. Then he looked around him for awhile.

Jaejoong remembered the feeling of distraught that put him into this feeling of despair. They were having a photoshoot for the day. And things happened. He wasn't able to give what the professional photographer wanted from him. As the result, the other man wasn't satisfied and his silence was hurting more than harsh words.

The young man was used of the bad words thrown to him when the split happened. But Silence was more hurting than words. Because he was pushed into ignorance. Ignorance of what he did wrong. And from that, he could not change himself to be better.

"Bad dream?" Yunho asked as he grazed his palm on the other man's cheek, not even paying attention of all the stare they gained by being so close and intimate.

"No..." Jaejoong breathed with a sad smile on his lips. Then he closed his eyes for a while. His wife's voice was still echoing in his mind, singing that song badly but lovely to his ears. He chuckled softly, earning a curious stare from Yunho and Changmin.

"You freaked me out." Changmin finally said, still holding baby Cap in his arms for comfort. "We called you out but you seemed to be in a deep sleep."

"Sorry." The young father let out slowly.

"Do you want something to drink? Or to eat?" Changmin asked as he was looking at Jaejoong carefully.

"I'm okay." He murmured. Then he heaved a sigh. "I'm really okay." He repeated with a nod. "Don't worry too much." And he took his baby girl from the young idol's arms. "Hey! Did you have a good time with your uncle Changmin?" He asked her as he tickled her little tummy.

Capucine answered him with a soft baby laugh, earning a big smile from her father and the other two men. Not only from them but a few staffs standing not far from them could not help but smile at the adorableness of that little girl.

"Are you sure? If you don't feel alright, we can end this photoshoot." Yunho said as he took Jaejoong's hand in his.

"No. It won't be professional to cancel the photoshoot. Mostly for no reason. Don't forget, those pictures are for the photobook going with those repackage albums." He added as he pushed a strand of his hair behind his ear. "I'm going to be okay. I'm going to show them that I'm not a burden to the two of you. I'm going to work hard. I am also a Dong Bang Shin Ki. And if they don't love me, it's their loss. Right?" Jaejoong stated with a smile as he turned to look at Yunho.

"Well said hyung!" Changmin nodded with a smile. The young man was scared to see his hyung being depressive after his solo part standing under the finder of the professional photographer. Mostly after the cold shoulder that old man had thrown to his hyung when he didn't get what he wanted from Kim Jaejoong. "Show them who is the real Youngwoong Jaejoong."

"Ba-"

"Oh! Look at you." A young woman gasped as she stepped next to them, interrupting the leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki. She was one of their makeup artists and the one assigned to Kim Jaejoong. And she was one of the rare people working with them showing their kindness to Jaejoong since they step