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My Name Is Hers by pandoralacey
Main Characters: Aennerain and Annerain
Genre/s: Angst, Sliceoflife, Psychological
Status: On-going
Reviewer: jaebal

The Review: 

1. Punctuation, Spelling and Grammar (15/20)
- The story has a lot of sentences and paragraphs that are mixed up with tenses. Now I personally think that you should write this in the past tense because it is less awkward for me to read. Aside from some minor spelling mistakes (i.e. e is supposed to be spelled e) I think the real problem here is your sentencing. I will start with some sentences/paragraphs from the first chapter up to your recent one. Note that I won't be rewriting all the mistakes that I've noticed, but the flaws that I will point out below should be obvious enough for you to recognize what you might want to change.

 

Prologue:

You wrote: Her eyes darted back and forth between the glassless window and the grandfather clock on the wall. “Please no. Not today,” She shuts her eyes and prays. On the outside, the sky turns murky and gusts of wind howl about the house. Within moments, rain of debris starts to pour down on the greenery landscape. The splattering sounds on the rooftop made her expression turn surly.

You began with past tense, and so you should continue it with the past tense. If you started with the present tense then continue with the same tense. As well as that, 'rain of debris' means that it's raining rubble. And I was not sure whether it was an earthquake or rain. 

Suggestion: Her eyes darted back and forth between the glassless window and the grandfather clock on the wall. "Please, no. Not today." She shut her eyes and prayed. In the outdoors,  the sky has turned murky and gusts of wind howled around the house. Within moments, rain had started to pour down on the greenery landscape. The splattered sounds of the heavy rain had made her expression turn surly.

 

Here's another one: A timid look is plastered over her face as she turns hesitatingly at her. Every nerve in her body is fired up when she witnesses that familiar scene up front of her. She a long breath and shuffles her way at her, to get her out from that position, she's about to, but something in her chest is holding her in.

Suggestion: A timid look is plastered over her face as she turned hesitatingly towards her. Every nerve in her body was fired up as she witnessed that familiar scene in front of her. She inhaled a long breath and shuffled her way at her, to get her out from that position. She was about to, but something in her chest held her in.

 

The Forgotten Scar:

You wrote:  Aunt Cecilia yields another pause. On a second thought, how could she reveals to her her that actually she’s kidnapped by a stranger, almost and killed? She remembers every word that have been told to her by the inspector in charge of her case. That poor kid, it's best if she just forget everything.

Suggestion: Aunt Cecilia yielded another pause. On a second thought, how could she reveal to her that shad had been actually kidnapped by a stranger? Almost and killed? She remembered every word that have been told by the inspector in charge of her case. That poor kid, it is the best that she had forgotten everything.

As far as you've written, Annerain had already lost her memory, so if I were to go by the meaning of the last sentence that you have written, it seems that Annerain didn't forget her memories because there's an 'if' there. That means that Aunt Cecilia wanted her to lose her memories.

 

You wrote: She only inquiry about her father and it's instinctual. If her aunt ever queried why she only asked about him, she wouldn’t know how to answer. 

Suggestion: She only inquired about her father and it was instinctual. If her aunt ever queried why she only asked about him, she wouldn't know how to answer.

 

 

Pilot:

You wrote: The rain has stopped when she returns that night to retrieve the notebook from Annerain; there’s a picture of him in that notebook and she doesn't want to lose that.

“Fi-Fire? Wh-What?”

She's stunned in front of the house, her body trembles tremendously and her knees are giving up on her as she falls onto the ground. Open mouthed, all she could see is the blazing fire that engulfing one portion of the house.

“No-no! Annerainnn! Nooo!” she shouts, sonorously. The scorching beams of fire is crawling all over her skin but she could only stand there, helplessly.

“No…No! You can’t die…You can’t!” She wants to scream but nothing comes out of her. With both hands, she clamps with a torrid look upon her face. The lumpy sensation that's in impeding with every breath she takes, threatens to choke the life right out of her. 

Suggestion: The rain had stopped when she returned that night to retrieve the notebook from Annerain. There's a picture of her father in that notebook and she does not want to lose that.   "F-Fire? Wh-What?"   ​She's stunned in front of the house, her body trembled tremendously and her knees have given up on her a