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The Review: 

1. Punctuation, Spelling and Grammar (17/20)
- Now, before everything else I would like to praise you and your skills in grammar. If I were a reader I would consider your skills to be quite excellent. As much as I would love to leave this section with a full score, some flaws have come to my notice that I cannot disregard easily.

What I have mostly noticed is your sentence structure. You have a habit of putting supposedly two sentences (or more) into one. This type of writing isn't wrong as long as you put a semi-colon (;) to join the two sentences, or a comma (,) followed by these conjunctions: and, for, but, nor, so, and yet. But you either put commas, or simply put "as". This type of sentencing can be off-putting to readers and it also reduces the appeal to keep reading on.

For example: "We're going to the punishment cell, I'll let you see what busybodies get," he sneered as he kicked you, as you frowned slightly, wincing in pain.

This sentence is just a small portion of the two-in-one sentence that I am talking about. This sentence could be easily altered by changing it into a more suiting structure, if you know what I mean, or better yet just break it into two sentences. Here's a suggestion:

"We're going to the punishment cell. I'll let you see what busybodies get." he sneered as he kicked you. You frowned slightly, wincing in pain.

Here's another example from your first chapter: When you were six, he promised you that he would come home from Christmas since he missed your birthday, even though it was a few minutes before Christmas ended, he still burst through the door wearing a Santa Claus suit.

Again this could be altered to: When you were six, he prom