For the next month or so, it was pretty hectic.  We had countless of shows and concerts all around Korea.  That meant a lot of clothes.  Mr. Yang hired some more staff to help me with styling, but I was basically in charge for the most part.

The boys would go in and out throwing their clothes everywhere, yelling for their change of clothes and I was busily catering to their needs.  It was pretty busy throughout so conversation was at a minimal.
Once in a while though there would be a time where the boys would do variety shows or music shows where we would wait in a room for several hours.
That’s when everything becomes awkward.
I was pretty close to all of the boys (except Jiyong of course) and we would talk about everything.  I was especially close to Top.  He was like an older brother to me and he would always come over with some fashion questions that I thought were very cute.
But at all costs, I avoided Jiyong.  And he avoided me.  He was always busy with phone calls or he would go out during those resting times.
I asked Top one day why he always goes out and doesn’t stay inside and Top replied like this,
“We went to America for 3 months and when we came back, Jiyong wasn’t the same anymore.  I don’t know if it has to do with Amelie, the girl we said that looks like you, or if he just became moody, but yeah.  He got pretty dark.  He prefers to spend time by himself.”
I guess I hurt Jiyong pretty badly.  Maybe it was pretty selfish of me to ask him to be with me for a week for my own fulfillment.  Maybe he was angry with me because I was just using him.
But of course I wasn’t fulfilled and I fell in love with him even more.

It’s been about 1 month since my stay.  The job that I had now in Korea was pretty hectic, but I was getting used to it now.  I enjoyed the rush.
But it was soon to be changed without my knowing.

A couple of days later, Mr. Yang called and told me to come over to his office.
Mr. Yang said, “Myung.  I have something to tell you.”
Gulp.  Am I being fired now?  I thought I was doing a pretty good job.  I even remember seeing people asking the store owners if they have the “g-dragon” jacket or the “TOP” scarf.
Mr. Yang continued to talk.
“You have been Bigbang’s stylist for about 3 months.  And I would like to say that you have been doing a very good job.  And I would like to offer you a proposal.”
A proposal?  What?  Is this code in Korea for being laid off?
“What proposal?” I asked
He cleared his throat and said, “Normally we do not like to showcase our staff members because they have a private life, but I would like to make an exception.”
I was just staring.  I had no idea where he was going with this.
“You have been offered to take in part of an interview about Bigbang’s fashion.  And depending on how this interview goes, you would be in a show called Fashion People.”
“So your offer is me going on tv?”
“Yes.  You are not obligated to do any of this.  But I think it would be a good chance for you to show the world your fashion knowledge and be acknowledged in Korea.  Everyone has been wondering who the fashionista behind Bigbang was.” He smiled.
“This is an honor.  But I am not so sure if I can represent YG properly.  Or Bigbang for that matter.”  
I was really unconfident about this.  First off, it would be on tv, and second, I would be representing Bigbang, and I would not want to dirty their name with some of my thoughtless ideas.
“It is your choice, Myung.  I think it would be a great new start.  Don’t you agree?”
He gave a millisecond smirk.  I wasn’t so sure if he was really smiling, as if he knew that I was using another name, but it felt as if he knew.
I gave it some thought then, but I still wasn’t so sure.
“Can I get back to you about it later?”
“Sure.  I’ll give you 2 days.  After that I would take it as a no and tell broadcasting that you are busy.”
“Thank you, Mr. Yang. “
“My pleasure…Myung.”
And then I was off to do some thinking.

It has been a day since I got an offer to be on national television.
I still do not know if I should.
It is a good opportunity to let myself known to Korea so I would be offered more opportunities to lead a “fashion” life, but the pressure is too big.
I would have to watch what I say, I would have to be completely educated on the terms for fashion, and whatever I was saying, I was indirectly representing Bigbang.
I don’t know.  I don’t know.

But I can’t think of this right now.  Jenny just called me to say that Bigbang needed some help and I was to report to their apartment as soon as possible.
I was at home when I got this call, and if I may add, I looked very gruesome.  I didn’t shower, I was basically rolling around in bed thinking about the offer Mr. Yang has given me.
I got up, put on an oversized hoodie and some leggings, and headed towards the apartment.
Bigbang probably just needs some advice for their performance tomorrow at a music show.
I got to the apartment and rang the doorbell.
Ding Dong.
No answer.
Ding Dong.
Still no answer.

Why are they not answering the door!
Are they out?  I didn’t take that long.  I only took 30 minutes.  They can’t even wait for 30 minutes?
As I was getting pretty flustered in this matter, the door suddenly opens.
But to my surprise there was no one there to greet me.  And the room was dark and dead silent.
I started to freak out a little and have those scary images in my mind where there is a robber waiting to just pounce on you and kill you.
But it wasn’t that.
It was a…

“SUURRRRRPPPRRRRIISSSSSEEEE!!!!!!!”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY MYUNG!”

“Everybody sing….”
Then Top brought out the cake and everyone joined in to sing the happy birthday song to me.
It was so sweet.

I totally forgot that it was my 23rd birthday today.  May 5, 1989.  I was so busy with my new job and life in Korea, that I even forgot that it was my birthday today.

“Congratulations!  You are 23!  You need to be married now!”  Top smiled and let out a soft laugh.
“Thank you.”
“Thank you all.  This was so sweet.   I never expected so many of you to do such a wonderful thing like this.”
It was really heart-warming.  People actually cared.  Now I would never want to leave Korea.
All the staff members and celebrities under YG were there.  It was such an honor.  I never thought that they would do this to me.
“Noona!”
I turned around and it was Seungri.
“What did you just call me?”
“I can call you that right?  Noona?”  seungri said shyly.
I never knew it, but I sure as hell have missed that word.
“Of course.  I would love it.”
“YAY!  I have another Noona now!”

“Happy birthday Myung!  I never knew, but we are the same age!”  Daesung said in a loud booming voice.
“How did you guys know it was my birthday?”
Taeyang started to talk, “Mr. Yang told us.”
Oh.  But how did Mr. Yang know?

“Sorry Jiyong isn’t here.  He’s busy producing back at the studio.  He’s working with these new girls as their producer.”
I didn’t even notice.  I guess I was so shocked to think about him.  But he really wasn’t here.  Does he hate me that much?  But it was because he was busy working.  That is a legit excuse.
“No.  No, that’s fine.  You guys shouldn’t even be doing this for me.  You guys should resting.” I said.
“no.  we felt that we should really thank you for helping us retain our image as stylish idols.  It gets harder for us every year, but you effortlessly helped us stay at the top.” Top said.
I blushed. “No.  It was your music that made you guys stay on top.”
“Noona.  How do you know our music is so good when you don’t even listen to it?”
Seungri had a point.  How did I know?  
“Well….I listened to you guys when we were monitoring.”
“No.  You were just looking at the clothes.” Seungri argued.
“Myung. You should really start to listen to our music.  You are our stylist, you know.”
“Fine fine.  I will make sure to listen to it today when I get back home.  I promise.”
“Every single song.”  All of them chimed in.
“Every single song.”
“Then good!  Let’s celebrate!”

And we continued on with my birthday party.


I went home around 2 a.m. severely tired.  I was about to just head straight for the bed, but I remembered that I promised that I would listen to their whole album.  They would probably quiz me tomorrow about it.
But where was the cd?
I started to look all over the place.  Under the bed, inside my closet, on my desk.  It was nowhere to be seen.  I yelled out for Jenny.
“JENNY? DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY BIGBANG ALBUM IS?”
“NO!  CHECK THE LIVING ROOM!” Jenny yelled out fro her room.
I groaned a little and went to the living room to see if there was any luck.
After I looked at every nook and cranny, I didn’t even find it in the living room.
PIECE OF .  WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT THAT THING.
I headed back to my room completely given up, and then I saw a little glitter.  
The cd was under the bundle of clothes.
Oops.  Forgot to look under there.

So I turned the cd on and started to listen to it from my stereo.
The intro came out, soft and sad.  It fit perfectly with the concept. I’m good.
While the intro was going, I looked at the album cover.  It was titled; Listen.
Good title.  Nice way of putting their voice out there and telling their listeners to listen.

Then the first song came out.

It was titled: How we met.

It was lighter.  It wasn’t as sad and it was actually on the pretty romantic side.

“I saw you and first fell in love with you right there.
I couldn’t even look at you probably.
You outshined me.”

That song is pretty cute.  It was telling a story about how a man met a girl.

Then the second one titled “I’ll see you” went on.
“ I can’t wait until I get to see you again.  
I have never felt this way before.
How did you do it?”
But the weird thing about this song is that it was sad.
The lyrics were happy, but the music was so sad.

Then the third one and fourth one came titled “Argument” and “Please forgive me”.
I started to think this album was a story.
It has a first meeting, then he cant wait until he sees her again, and I guess they get into an argument and he wants her to forgive her.
It seemed like it.

Then the fifth one came out, “Beautiful”
“Girl with the gold dress
You outshined all the rest
I only saw you
Through the crowd of millions.”
Whoa.  She wore a gold dress.  Well…gold is pretty common now a days.  It probably had nothing to do with me.
But my heart started to beat faster.

Then the sixth song came out.
And I knew.

It was titled, “Forget”

The same soft, gentle melody flew out.  I remembered this song.

It was the song that Jiyong had me listen to when we were in his room that day.

It was the song that Jiyong made for me.

It was the song that made me feel that I was truly loved by someone.

It was the song that made me fall in love with Jiyong.

After the song ended…I didn’t need to listen to anymore
The next few songs were all about our week together and how we fell apart.
I couldn’t stop my tears from falling.
It all came back to me as the melodies filled my room.
I couldn’t stop crying because all this time I was trying to forget something I couldn’t.
It was too deeply ingrained in me, that I couldn’t forget about it.
Forget about him.
And this whole album was about him and me.
It was about our love.

What ever happened between us?
Why haven’t we tried harder to make it work?
The distance was pretty big, but we should have made it work.
I was still in love with him.
Why was I trying so hard to forget about him?
Why were we trying so hard to avoid each other when everything just comes back into place?

I wanted to find Jiyong right now and tell him that I love him.
I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loves me back.  That he would take me right now and be with me forever.  Not just one week.

I had to call him.  I had to find him.
I had to tell him.


Ring Ring Ring
Come on pick up.
Ring Ring Ring
Come on.
Ring Ring Ring.

“Hello?”
“Top?  I’m sorry to call you so late….but can I can have Jiyong’s number?”
“Myung?  It’s 3:30 in the morning?  What are you doing up?”
“Can I just please have Jiyong’s number?”
“Jiyong left his cell phone here and he is still in the studio.  If you really need to talk to him, go to the studio.”
“Thank you so much Top.”
“Oppa.”
“Oppa.  I see you tomorrow.”
“Today.”
“Right. Today.  Sorry again for the late phone call.”
“Mmhmm.  Good night.”
“Bye.”


I hung up, grabbed my wallet and called a taxi outside.
I needed to tell him.  He still somewhat cared for me too to have a whole album about us.
At least….I need to tell him that I know.

I finally arrived at the studio breathless and my heart doing the flips again.
I wanted to run but my legs only had the power to walk.
I walked slowly up the stairs and started to go towards the studio.

The music from the studio was coming out and as I opened the door it became even louder.
They were still recording.

I opened the door and Jiyong was busily listening and giving orders to the girls in the recording room.
“No.  Try it again.”
He looked frustrated.
“um…” I let out a little sound.
“Jiyong?”
He turned around then.  Facing me.  He seemed to surprised at first to see me, but then his expression turned lifeless.
“What do you want Myung?” His voice was so cold.
“I-uh…was wondering…if I can just have…a little talk with you…” I squeaked.
A girl inside the room spoke up then,
“Honey!  Did that sound okay?”
Honey?
Oh.
Right.
He moved on.
He had a girlfriend.
I remember Seungri telling me that he had a girlfriend and that was why he was always on the phone.

.
I can’t tell him here.  
I can’t tell him anymore.
He was already taken.
I can’t be a relationship-wrecker.
That would be too selfish of me.
And I’ve already been selfish enough.

“Uh..yeah. That sounded good. I think that would be enough for today.  Good job.” Jiyong replied to his girlfriend.

And then he turned to face me.
“What do you want?”
He spoke so warmly to his girl, but he spoke like he just drank poison when he was talking to me.

I wanted to tell him so badly.
But I know that I cant.

“I was just wondering how you felt about…uh…..skirts.”
“What?” he looked surprised and pretty pissed off that I was there asking about skirts.
“You know…skirts on men.  It’s been going on the runways and I was wondering how you felt wearing them.”
“Couldn’t this wait for another day?” He gave an annoyed expression.

I was fighting back my tears now.  He was being so mean.  He wasn’t the man who I fell in love with 3 years ago.

Then the girlfriend came in and linked arms with Jiyong.
“Honey?  Who’s she?” She asked in the most highest child voice ever.
I interrupted before he said anything.
“I’m their stylist.  I’m sorry to come in and disturb your recording.”
“Oh. It’s no big deal.  This recording wasn’t really necessary anyways.  Jiyong just likes to put in extra recordings so he can see me sing.”
“Oh.  Wonderful.  Good to see that you guys are in such a good relationship.”  I paused.
“Well I got to get going now.  See you”
I turned around to leave.
Somewhere in between me taking my leave and opening the door to leave, I heard the girl ask Jiyong
“Are you close with her?  Do you know her well?”
and Jiyong replied
“No. I don’t know her at all.”

I didn’t fight back my tears anymore.
It fell out freely as I was walking away.