It was finals week for school so I took a break from my internship.
I was in a raggedly old t-shirt and sweats and have eaten 5 ben and jerrys.
My roommate was out again with her boyfriend so I had the apartment to myself.  I got a lot of studying done, but along the way I probably gained 50 pounds.

I haven’t seen big bang or Jiyong for about a month.  I didn’t want to open myself up to them anymore.  I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.  I keep telling myself that nothing happened between me and him, but I just couldn’t feel heartbroken anymore.  I know that we weren’t a couple, and I blew everything out of  proportion, but I felt like I just went through a massive break up. Even if I was never with him.
I know it was over something stupid, but I wanted him to be on my side and not be embarrassed of me.
But I guess I was asking too much.
I guess he wasn’t that into me after all.
Ring Ring.  Ring Ring.
“Hello?”
“Amelie? Char.  I need you to come over and do something for me.”
“Char…I’m sorry, but I thought I had this week off because of school.”
“Yes, well I need you.  Right now.  See you in 30 minutes.”

Great.  15 minutes to get ready. 5 minutes to find my keys.  10 minutes to get there.  

“What did you need me to do?” I asked my boss.
“As you may know…we are having the annual Vianne Ball.”
“Yes…”
“And I need you to be there.  You made quite the impression during our party and I would like it if you came.”
“It’s a month from now….Why are you telling me this at this very moment?”
“Because…it is a BALL.  Which means you would be needing a dress and you would need to lose about 50 pounds.”

Right.  It was the weight issue.  Again.  I am sick of people talking about my body.  There is nothing wrong with it at all.  I like being different.  I like being unique.  But then again, this body was what made me not have a boyfriend.  Nobody likes being a chubby chaser.
“Of course Char, I will make sure to lose as much weight as possible and find a dress in time.  Is there some work that needs to be done in preparation for the ball?”
“No…we already have a staff working on every single detail…I just told you to come to the ball because your presence is absolutely needed.”
I don’t understand why my presence was absolutely needed.  I was only an intern.  I don’t get invited to these things.

But my biggest worry was…how am I going to find a dress?

“Alexander is busy working on his fall collection so I don’t think he would be able to help you with this one.  But I can call in some other designers if you like.”
“Thank you for your generosity Char, but I’ll be able to manage.”
“Of course.”

I do not have a dress.  I do not have money.  Go me!

Right when I got home I checked my closet to see if there was anything noteworthy to wear.  I could wear the bebe dress that I bought 2 years ago.  I’m sure no one would notice.  
What was I thinking?  Of course they are going to notice…it is the damn fashion world I’m going to be meeting.  .  And it’s a DAMN ball.  I need an evening gown that would be absolutely amazing.  Maybe if I make something from scratch…no…that would be too late.  OOOH.  I know.  I can go to the mall tomorrow and see if there is anything on sale.  I could use the emergency stash and the food money to buy a dress.  Maybe I could even borrow some more from my roommate.  She is blood-stinking rich from her boyfriend.

Ok…that is about….$150….crap.  that is not going to cut it at all.

I put on my faux leather jacket and a vintage yellow skirt with dark green tights with my black and white oxford heels (what? I need to be fashionable) and drove to the Beverly Center to see if there was anything that was cute and affordable.
As long as its long, affordable, and resembles some material that looks….dressy, I’ll buy.

Why is there NOTHING IN THIS HUGE PLACE!?
If it looks decent, it’s too expensive.  If its affordable it looks like it went through a blender.  Or if it is decent and affordable…its only in a size 2.
Maybe…I’ll just wear the BeBe dress and alter it a little bit. That’s the only thing that is even close to an evening gown, despite it looking more like a summer dress.

I go home empty handed and instead buy a burrito to go.

My roommate is gone again.  I never see this woman ever.  The only form of communication I have with her is putting up post its on the refrigerator.

Do you have a dress I can borrow?  It’s for the ball. –Amelie.

I scribbled on a napkin and stuck it with a magnet on the frig.

I change into my eating shirt (fat people have eating shirts that symbolizes a time dedicated just to eating) shortly afterwards and start grubbing on my burrito.

About half way through…I started to think about what everyone was saying about my figure.
“You need to lose about 50 pounds…”
“You need to lay off those donuts..”
“Your obese…”
“I’m sorry but we have nothing that would fit you.”

God.  Maybe I should lose weight.  Maybe I should stop trying to be this different girl when in reality I’m just this plain old girl that eats too much.  Maybe if I just lose the weight by starving and mass exercise, at least the superficial people would give me a glance and a chance at living. Maybe if I lose weight, I won’t be embarrassing.  Maybe if I lose weight, someone out there would appreciate me, and love me.

I put down the burrito and grab the keys to my car and head for the gym.

I have not worked out in a bazillion years.  It has been too long.  How many miles have I ran?  What that can’t be right?  It felt like 10 miles….only 1?  Only 1?  Where is the important zero that is supposed to follow?
The next morning when I woke up I felt every fat piece in my body aching (if that was even possible).  And I was starving.
1.    I didn’t eat.
2.    I headed for the gym and forced myself to stay there for about 3 hours.
3.    Took my finals
4.    Failed my finals
5.    Went home and slept until the next day.
My daily routine for the next two weeks was minimum eating and exercising.  The only time I would actually put some food into my mouth was when I felt like I was going to pass out.  Then I would eat a small salad…or an apple.
I threw away everything...my left over fried chicken, the potato chips, the cookies, frozen cakes, sugar, coffee.  I threw away anything that looked or tasted good.

I was going to lose weight.  I will become like those skinny es.  

Only smarter and prettier.

Going to the gym was my favorite time of the day.  You might be like….”What?” But seriously.  You get a rush of endorphins after a good workout and the stress and knotted muscles just blow away.  It was hard the first week, but after awhile, you cant live without getting in a workout.

It was the beginning of the third week, only 5 days before the ball (I’ve given up finding a dress and ended up just choosing the bebe) when I went to go get water from the frig.

Amelie…just go and dig in my closet somewhere….im sure there is something for you.  P.s. you can borrow my jewelry and shoes…we both wear the same size shoes anyways.
XOXO – Meg
OOOOOOO.  I get to look in HER closet?  Awesome.  

So my roommate has no fashion sense at all, but she has a closet STORE.  It is so huge and magnificent.  She does have some good pieces….mostly bought from her boyfriend…so I’m sure there is SOMETHING better than my summer dress.

I go into her room, open the double doors and….
Her closet….from the last time I remembered it…got even bigger.  It was amazing.  The bright light illuminating every aspect of the beautiful row after row of designer, couture fabrics …it was heaven.  And the best part….it was free.
FREE.
But I forgot one small detail.  She’s a size 4.  I’m a size 10.  
Oh well….I’ll just rummage around and see if she has any fat clothes.
I rolled up my sleeves and got to work.  I got to find a dress.  I need to look good.

When I was just about to give up (all the dresses were way too short or it didn’t even look like a dress at all), I saw it.
The dress of my dreams.  If I was to have a dream about a dress.
It was a gold embroidered strapless Dior hourglass dress.  

I tried it on immediately and it fitted perfectly.
It smoothed over my skin and then gently draped past my knees all the way to the floor, ending with a golden train.
It was magnificent.

BUT IT FITTED?

I thought I was a size 10.  Not size anorexic.
Last time I checked I weighed A LOT…but then again….now that I think about it, I haven’t weighed myself since a month ago. And I’ve been wearing sweats.
Wow.  All that starving and working out must have paid off.
“Hello?  Amelie?  Are you here?”
“Meg?  What are you doing here?”
“Well…I live here you know.”
“Yeah…but you’re never home.”
Meg came inside the closet and had a good look at me.
“OMG!  That dress looks sooo good on you.  Dang girl did you lose weight?  You look so good!  You have to tell me how you did it…I was thinking about losing some weight.  I’m a size 4…that is considered obese in the fashion world you know.”
God.  What is with it with these people?!
“Yeah. Totally.”
“That dress was totally drowning me…and I didn’t know what to do with it…now…I’ll give it to you.”
“What? You’re going to give me this Dior dress?”
“Yeah.”  My roommate said nonchalantly.
“What?”
“I already had too much Dior anyways.  I was getting kind of sick of it.”
“So…I can have this dress?”
“Of course.”
“I freaking love you.”
“I know.  Now…I was thinking about some classic Manolo Blahniks for the shoes and just simple earrings.”


So I had the dress, the body, and the attitude.
I am ready to show all those people out there that I can be amazing.
Nobody except Meg, my roommate, knew about my recent weight loss so… it was until the ball.


The ball is tomorrow.  I was a nervous wreck the whole day.  
I had this new body, but I still felt like the same old girl.  All of my life I wanted to be that skinny girl.  Now I am.  Now I’m perfect.
Tomorrow will be another day.