The Problems with Mortality

For Ilovesungyeollie

Couple: Myungyeol

Prompt: The pains of unrequited love

---

"So, how long have you been here, Sungyeol?"

The college student they sent him this time is persistent, and it's annoying.

Sungyeol doesn't remember the last time someone insisted on visiting him for a third time. Usually they leave after the first two unpleasant sessions. Some don't even last a whole hour.

"How long do you think?" He asks distractingly, crushing a line of candies on his tablet. His mom bought it for him because she thought he could use it against boredom.

Or maybe she just tried to get him off her back, since he kept calling her every hour to inform her he peed.

"Pretty long, probably. You seem fairly experienced in Candy Crush."

Sungyeol glances at him.

He's a handsome guy, probably around his age, living the life like every college student should. He probably has a car and a lot of friends and does this volunteering program for extra credit.

As if he actually wants to sit around and chat with a guy who most likely won't survive the night.

He hates people like that the most.

Hypocrites. He would rather be alone.

He's in the age to be in college, too.

Instead, he's here, in a room that smells like sickness and medical alcohol. It makes him nauseous.

Well, everything makes him nauseous.

He goes back to his game.

He's not the first one and not the last one that comes here.

"Look, man." He says calmly, while swiping his finger on the screen; "Just give me the paper where the nurse is supposed to sign the hours for you. I know a lot of nurses. I can get one of them to write a wonderful review about the beautiful work you did in the ward with the patients. Then both you and me can get on with our lives."

"And what would that accomplish?"

Sungyeol looks up from his tablet. "It will get you off my back, that's for sure."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"How can you be so sure?"

Sungyeol squints his eyes at him. "Are you defected in the brain or something?"

"Not really." He sighs; "How about you? What do you have? Cancer?"

"If I had cancer, I would be bald. And that's really insensitive of you."

"I heard there's many types of cancer, and not all therapies require you to go bald. You do know you go bald from the actual therapy and not the cancer, right?"  

Sungyeol purses his lips to a thin line, and keeps on playing Candy Crush.

Maybe if he'll give him the 'silent treatment', he'll leave.

"So what is it that you have? Did you get your legs amputated or something? Why are always in bed?"

He carries off the conversation as if they're not talking about anything too important, but manages not to look too bored. Sungyeol wants to shove his still-very-intact legs down the guy's throat. How rude can he possibly get?

When he actually probes the blanket with his finger, to check for Sungyeol's legs, Sungyeol jerks his leg away so quickly, he hits him on the face with his knee.

His nose gets terribly red after a few seconds, then blood trickles out.

Sungyeol's eyes widen and he is baffled about the course of action you do in situation like this.

He presses the buzzer that calls the nurse until somebody finally rushes in.

.

But Kim Myungsoo is there, head in his hands prepped on his elbows on the hospital bed, staring at him on five o'clock sharp next week.

And his nose looks fine. Not even purple.

"Do you want me to read 'Twilight: New Moon' for you? The girls in the children ward loved that."

Sungyeol wishes he would go to back to the children's ward and leave him alone to his agony.

"But, their doctors told me I'm getting them overexcited so I came here."

Great.

"I'm not really talkative, so at least insert a word or so into the conversation. Occasionally."

Sungyeol turns to the window.

"Are you going to at least apologize for what you did to me?"

"I'm not going to apologize for you being a complete and utter and feeling up my legs." He blurts out before he can stop himself.

"And you're insulting me. I could sue you, you know. Even though you're handicapped."

Sungyeol turns his body to the window and covers himself with the blanket.

He's not handicapped.

He has a lung disease.

It funny, because he lived his entire life thinking he was a regular asthma case - and he thought having asthma was bad.

His body failed him back when Sungyeol was a perfectly young, healthy high-school student.

One day he was running late for class after recess and it started to get really hard to breathe. Then he tumbled down, clutching onto his chest.

After that, his life became a blur of doctors and emergency rooms – and from there treatments over treatments over more treatments; most of them made his body even more sick than it already was.

Sungyeol thinks if they haven't found out about it, and they would've marked it off as a regular asthma attack. He would've continued to live his life a completely normal teenager. But no, they had to do extra tests, just to be sure.

The first prognosis was one year tops – but he survived way longer than that, although you can hardly call those agonizingly long, painful 4 years living.

The hospital became his prison, and eventually, his home.

"Suit yourself." Myungsoo says. There's a few rustles and; "Even though I was thrilled to see him - conscious or otherwise - and even though I was almost positive that I was dreaming, I panicked as Edward walked toward us through the glaring sunlight. I panicked because—"

"For the love of god, just leave!"

"I didn't get to the best part yet. He's shining in the sunlight. It's horrible. Definitely will make you puke your lunch."

"Yes, I know! I'm not stupid! That thing is all over the internet!"

"You know what internet is?"

Sungyeol jerks into sitting and points to the door; "Get out!"

.

Myungsoo brings a bottle of bubbles next time he comes and blows into the wand, making many tiny, floating soap orbs above Sungyeol's bed.

"I'm starting to think you escaped from the mental ward. And not actually a volunteer."

"Don't you like them? I think it looks romantic. Goes really well with the theme you got here."

"What theme do I got here?" He snaps back.

"The all morbid leave-me-alone-to-die theme?" Myungsoo says it like it's obvious, then blows bubbles into his face. Sungyeol waves them off aggressively.

"If you see this theme, why don't you leave?"

"Because I'm on probation, and you're the only one here who doesn't want me to play with Barbies or tell me war stories. Or the shape your poop came out in the morning. The old guy down the hall really likes that stuff. I mean, he documents his crap. How sick is that? Besides, the nurses really approve that I spend time with you."

Sungyeol shifts on his bed. "Probation? So you're here for community service and not voluntarily? Wait, Are you talking about Mr. Jang? If he only showed you pictures of his poop, he was at his best behavior - sometime he makes videos of himself peeing and shows them to people."

Myungsoo stops blowing bubbles, and laughs.

"So, what did you do?" Sungyeol probes.

"I killed twelve people with my bow and arrows."

Myungsoo snorts when he sees the expression on his face. "My roommate framed me for drugs possession. I got suspended from school, but there wasn't enough evidence, so all I have to do is community service."

"What? Seriously? Can't you just say they were his?"

"I did, but nobody believed me because he's an honor student and his daddy is an important face in the industry, and I'm on scholarship."

"That ."

"Yeah." Myungsoo catches a bubble before it lands on the bed. "But it doesn't as bad as being in bed all day long and pretending I'm a stubborn jerk-off. What do you even do here for fun?"

"For starters I don't blow bubbles like a retard."

"I saw some retards down the hall, and believe me, even they got it better than you."

Sungyeol frowns.

Myungsoo smirks, because he thinks he's hilarious.

"Why do you have to be so insensitive and inappropriate all the time?"

He shrugs, then screws off the cap from his bubble bottle and continues to do his bubbles.

.

Weirdly enough, Sungyeol gets used to his company pretty fast when he realizes he's not going anywhere.

It's probably because Myungsoo is the only company he gets.

Daeyeol, Sungyeol's little brother is busy with his last year in college. He also has a girlfriend, so he barely comes. His mom and dad are working around the clock to pay for his hospital bills. His mom tries to come every other day, but usually she ends up coming on weekends.

His friends pretty much lasted for a year.

He usually indulges in long conversation in chat-rooms or forums. He never tells anybody he's sick. Nobody's interested in that on the internet, anyhow.

Myungsoo doesn't seem to care he's sick, so it's a little relieving.

People usually treat him like he's the most fragile thing in the world, like butterfly wings. They even try not to talk too loudly next to him as if his hearing is defected along with his lungs.

Myungsoo allows himself to cackle like an idiot more often in not.

One time he showed him his collection of funny youtube videos he found, and the nurse had to come in to tell them to be a little quieter.

Sungyeol isn't used to it.

It's almost like having a friend.

.

"That was the lamest movie ever." Sungyeol comments the second it ends.

Myungsoo brought his own laptop so they could watch some movie he downloaded in order to fill in their time.

"I know. It was horrible. I thought to stop it in the middle, but you looked immersed."

"What? I thought you were immersed, because you kept making these noises."

"Those were 'I-want-to-slap-the-main-actor' noises!"

"Kind of sounded like 'cheering-for-the-main-actor-to-survive' noises."

Myungsoo shrugs and pulls the laptop off the bed.

"I feel like I wasted two hours of precious time I got left on earth." Sungyeol continues.

"Oh please, saint martyr Lee Sungyeol. The nurse told me your condition isn't even that gravid."

"Did she told you I also have a prognosis of half a year to live?"

"No, you don't." There's disbelief written all over his face, and he also rolls his eyes for good measure.

"Yes, I do. I have a rare lung condition; I had seven surgeries over the past four years and none of them worked."

"Well, obviously none of them would work - the more you lay here in this dark room, with these gray walls closing in on you and this horrible smell all around you, you're psychologically bound to be sick forever."

"You don't get it, do you? I'm in this room because breathing outside of it will risk my death. There's special stuff on the walls and salt in the machine that makes it less likely for me to get an attack. Besides, after treatments, it's hard to walk for me."

"But it's not like this room is preventing you from dying. You said it yourself, you have only half a year to go." He makes it sound like a mockery and Sungyeol furrows his eyebrows at him. "Either way, at some point you die. We all die, eventually."

Sungyeol sighs. "Well, that's another way to look at it."

"Are you after treatment, right now?"

"No. My treatment is on Mondays and—"

"Let me take you outside."

His eyes widen at the suggestion. "What?"

"For a walk. You can walk, right? Or did they already amputate your legs?"

"I can't leave without supervision."

Myungsoo makes a face, stands up abruptly and leaves the room. He comes back a minute later with a wheelchair, grinning; "Nurse said it's fine as long as you sit in the wheelchair. Come on, let's show the world how handicapped you are."

". I can walk just fine. I just... need to take breaks." Sungyeol sits up. His bare feet touch the tiles of the floor.

When he stands up and wears his sweater, he understands Myungsoo is still watching his feet.

Sungyeol flicks his forehead, though it doesn't come out very strong; "Did you actually think they were amputated?"

Myungsoo looks up to him. There's an unreadable expression on his face, something akin to awe; "No. You just have pretty feet."

Sungyeol looks back on his feet then frowns; "Are you one of these people who get off on that ?"

"I'm just—"

"Let's just go before I change my mind. I should probably write a note for my mom so she'd know who to blame if I die."

Sungyeol opens the door and looks around the hallway.

"Nurse said you're going on a wheelchair or not going at all, so you're going on a wheelchair."

"I'm not going on a wheelchair!"

"Sit."

"No."

"Sit."

"I'll even get you an old people blanket on your legs." Myungsoo waggles his eyebrows. "Sounds fun, right?"

.

Sungyeol doesn't enjoy the ride outside because he feels like everybody has their eyes on him and look at him like he's defected in some way.

They are right, but it still makes Sungyeol feel inferior and he hates it.

He keeps on complaining as he sits with his hands crossed over his chest while Myungsoo drives him around making 'vroom-vroom' noises.

Myungsoo finds a small spot somewhere in the garden of the hospital where it's mostly empty and lands on the bench; "Are you done grumbling?"

"Can I stand up now?" Myungsoo looks back from where they came from, then nods. "But just for a bit. And don't go closer to the flowers. That's probably not good for you."

"You sound like my mom." Sungyeol throws the blanket at Myungsoo's face.

It's been awhile since he's been outside.

He walks up to the grass, then takes off one of his hospital flip-flops.

"Hey!" Myungsoo warns. "If you're going to do something stupid, go back to the wheelchair."

Sungyeol doesn't listen and takes off his other flip flop and lets his legs sink into the grass.

He smiles and looks up. It's a bit cloudy, but it's not that cold.

It feels refreshing.

He can feel his lungs - his weak, frail treacherous lungs - get filled with fresh air.

He walks around the bench excitedly, while Myungsoo looks like he's about to jump up any second on him and wrestle him back to the wheelchair and tie him to it.

It's weird, walking around on grass outside.

You think you can do everything until you can't. Then you get too comfortable in the boundaries everybody else set for you, and you forget all about what you can and can't do. The ground is warm beneath his toes, and the grass feels damp.

Before he can take another step, Myungsoo wraps a hand around him and pulls him back. He points a finger at him; "No."

He means it as a joke probably, so Sungyeol doesn't understand why he's so surprised. He's not used to being so touchy with someone, hell he's not even touchy with his baby brother.

He understand it's because he was walking close to the roses.

"Now that you got some authority, you feel the need to use it? Please." Sungyeol sits down on his wheelchair. "Take me back to my room, peasant. I wish to rest."

Myungsoo snorts.

.

After that he starts waiting for Myungsoo's visits.

They won't always go down to the gardens. But when they do, Sungyeol swears the nurse not to tell his mom because she'll flip.

At some point he feels stronger, healthier.

He feels normal, lying on the grass looking onto clouds with Myungsoo. It's been awhile since he had a friend that isn't a nurse or a doctor or tries to investigate him so they could name his illness in their name.

Myungsoo is really polite to everybody else. The nurses are fond of him and the girls and boys from the children ward come running when they stroll by with the wheelchair. Even some of the old people know him by name and wave at him.

Sungyeol feels he's special because Myungsoo isn't polite to him.

It's a bit weird, but he understands that Myungsoo allows himself to release his inner when he's with him.

He's really subtle actually, and clumsy, and weird and funny and he laughs at just about every joke Sungyeol has to offer.

.

He head falls with a plop on Sungyeol's thigh.

Sungyeol feels a little uncomfortable at the proximity, but doesn't deny it.

He's just unsure what to do.

Where should he put his hands or how should he react to it, so he just sits there on his bed, with his legs outstretched, dumbfounded.

"I'm so tired." Myungsoo yawns and closes his eyes. "I shouldn't have taken a double-shift at work."

"Work? You never said anything about work." Either he didn't actually notice his discomfort, or he doesn't really mind.

He's like that. He needs to touch everything and feel it even if it doesn't require making contact.

"What's there to say, I'm waiting tables in order to pay for a tiny crap hole of an apartment."

"Don't you live with your parents?"

"My mom decided to give up on me after the drugs incident. She told me I'm on my own. Don't blame her. She has also my little brother to work for. Better if she invested in his future than in mine, anyway. He's a straight As student."

"I also have a little brother." Sungyeol perks up, and opens his drawer to retrieve his picture with Daeyeol. "He's 18. Looks just like me, right? He's not really good at school, but he's really good with his hands. He can do just about anything. He's graduating this year."

Myungsoo looks from the picture to him, then back to the picture, a few times.

"Good genes run in the family?" He comments finally.

Sungyeol likes getting complimented, because it reminds him of the days he was popular at school.

Myungsoo gives him the photo back, then blinks his eyes tiredly. "Urgh, my eyes are slipping closed. Do you mind if I go early today?"

"Why are you asking me if it's okay? I'm not forcing you to be here."

"Yeah, it's just a freaking court order that I have to follow."

"If you're so anxious to get rid of me, there's this lady at room 102, she can't talk without gurgling her spit. I bet you'd love that."

Myungsoo has this thing where he looks into his eyes and it feels as if he's not staring at his eyes, but into the back of his skull. From the inside.

It's like he explores Sungyeol's mind with his dark eyes, which is a little creepy. And uncomfortable.

"Alright," He sighs eventually and gets up. "I'm going. I feel like if I'll stay another minute, you might need to share your bed."

"Wouldn't want your stinky legs anyway."

Once he leaves the room becomes unbearably silent, and Sungyeol feels the lack of him.

The lack of Myungsoo latching himself to him. It's might be a strong pat on the back or a tug of a wrist, but sometimes he'd even hug him when he'll leave.

It just comes off a bit awkward. Sungyeol doesn't really know what to do when it happens.

The conclusion to it is that Myungsoo overall is a strange dude.

.

 

"If you had only one thing you could wish for, what will you wish for?"

Myungsoo looks up from the chocolate box he brought. He shrugs, then looks like he thinks about it, then says; "Get really rich, buy this hospital and then torment you until forever?" It's more like a question, and it sounds unsure.

"That's three wishes."

"I'll get all that if only I'll get rich, so get rich. But... I don't know. I always wanted to travel around the world and photograph things."

"Like your poop?"

Myungsoo laughs; "Among others."

"You're sick in the head."

"You're sick in the chest."

"You know, the only good thing about you is that you bring sweets with you when you come."

"I might stop bringing them, and then you'll like me for all my other qualities."

"I don't think there's any other qualities in you that I like besides the chocolate thing. Well maybe when you fall asleep with your mouth opened after a shift, and then I stuff things inside." He takes another chocolate for himself. He's probably not allowed to eat it, but nobody's going to know.

"Aha! I knew it! I knew you weren't asleep when I woke up!"

Sungyeol laughs.

Myungsoo picks a chocolate out of the last three in the box.

"So? What about you? What would you wish for?"

Sungyeol doesn't need to think too long; "I want to die as quickly and as painlessly as possible. I think I deserve as much after what I've been though."

"You're kidding, right? That's your wish? Instead of getting better?"

"Getting better? Even if I do get better, I'll have to eat gazillion pills a day in order to even get a semi-normal life. I'll have to go back to school, although I should be finishing my degree about now, I'll be friendless, and there's not many places who will want a guy who has a rare lung disease working in their company."

"Well, yes, all that may be true, but you could live. Outside of here. Don't you want to go to the beach, or to work or to graduate from school?"

Sungyeol sighs really deeply; "I think I'm done for. I just want it to be sooner so my mom won't have to pay for the bills any longer."

"And I thought I'm a negative person." Myungsoo crunches on another chocolate.

Sungyeol doesn't like that.

He wants Myungsoo to have a positive opinion of him, but he can't really correct the way he's thinking.

He wonders when was the last time he worried about what somebody else thinks of him.

-

One day, outside, right after the rain the garden is crisp and cold and wet.

Sungyeol's chest hurts, but he ignores it up until the moment he can't breathe.

When he starts to gasp in order to breathe, Myungsoo rushes him back to the ward.

It comes out like an asthma attack, and it feels like the air he inhales just won't go through to his lungs. When he tries to cough it out, blood comes out.

Myungsoo looks so horrified when one of the nurses takes him away on the wheelchair, standing there in the hallway in his black jacket, lost and confused.

Once they stabilize him, good six hours later, he is taken back to his room.

He still has tremors all over his body from the medications they pumped into him.  

Myungsoo has his hand over his eyes and he's sitting on the waiting chair beside his room.

He stands up abruptly and follows into the room when the nurse helps Sungyeol up the bed and plugs in the nasal prong into his nose.

At least it's not the one in his mouth, because that one is much less attractive.

The nurse explains that Myungsoo should leave to let him rest, but Myungsoo insists to spend the night there to look after him. He wordlessly sits into the chair.

Once the nurse leaves, Sungyeol immediately says; "You're not guilty... It just happens sometimes. They changed my medications."

"The doctor told me that if I brought you five minutes later, you would've died."

"Didn't you say that we all die some day?"

Myungsoo shakes his head; "Why didn't you tell me that you feel unwell? We could've stayed in, watch a movie or prank one of the interns or..."

"I wanted to go outside."

Myungsoo rubs his hand on his face as if he's tired. He probably is tired. "Just go to sleep, alright? I'll be right here when you'll be up."

-

In the morning, when Sungyeol wakes up, Myungsoo is sleeping with his head on the bed, buried in the nest of his arms. One of his hand holds onto his knee, as if to check if he moves during the night.

Sungyeol's body still is aching, but his fingers ghost on Myungsoo's hair.

It feels unbelievingly light.

Myungsoo stirs and yawns. Sungyeol draws his hand back really quickly, yet his muscles don't agree with the movement. He tries not to wince.

"Good morning." He greets as he stretches. "Can I use your toothbrush? I probably smell."

"Don't be disgusting." It's a bit painful to talk. His throat is sore.

Myungsoo snorts and gets up to wash his face.

Sungyeol slips in and out of consciousness a few times. The doctors come and go. Myungsoo is there every time he opens his eyes.

In the evening he feels a little better, and is able to sit up. He uses the moment to convince Myungsoo to go home.

"Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? Just leave already!"

"No." Myungsoo makes himself even more comfortable in his chair and puts his legs on Sungyeol's bed, too.

Sungyeol pushes them away from his bed. "Don't you want a change of clothes? Don't you have work? Don't you have somewhere to be at?" Sungyeol adjusts the prong on his nose.

"I already called work, and said I'm not going. Oh!" He looks like he forgot something important.

Sungyeol feels relieved, sure that he's going to leave soon.

Myungsoo takes out his phone and starts tapping on it furiously, and after a few seconds it vibrates back.

He smiles at it, then puts his legs back on Sungyeol's bed. "Girlfriend said it's fine, so I'm staying."

"Girlfriend?" Sungyeol asks before he can stop himself. He's not sure why the word sounds so alien to his ears.

Myungsoo is in his early twenties, obviously he'll have a girlfriend.

He can suddenly feel his heart in his ribcage.

Myungsoo nods, smiling. "Yeah. Didn't I tell you about her?" He taps on his phone a few times, then shows him the screen; "That's her. Pretty, right?"

She is pretty. She's probably the prettiest girl Sungyeol ever saw.

She has long hair and beautiful, big eyes, a shy smile on her pink lips. Her complexion is fair and face looks perfect as if it's a painting. Myungsoo swipes the screen and there's a picture of the two of them.

They look good together.

Like an ideal couple out of a magazine.

He looks up at Myungsoo from the phone. "She's beautiful." He says.

Myungsoo smiles brightly as if he gave him the compliment, and tucks in the phone.

Sungyeol feels like he's about to get another attack, but it doesn't come.

He feels like he's suffocating, but the nasal prong on him keeps on sending air into his lungs.

His head spins a little and he closes his eyes.

It's like all the power he collected during the day left him in one blow.

"I'm going to sleep." He finally says after what seems to be an eternity. He feels really bad.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to call the nurse?"

He shakes his head.

"I'm going to sleep," He insists and turns to the other way.

"But you slept all day... I thought..."

"Just go home, Myungsoo. Please. I'm going to be here tomorrow, and the day after that. And the day after that."

He stays under the blanket with his eyes open for the longest time.

At some point it gets cold and silent, and Myungsoo is no longer in the room. He covers himself with the blanket and then sleep comes.

-

Taking a bath is a huge ordeal, especially because the nurse wants to come in with him and it's embarrassing.

They settle for leaving the door unlocked.

He's just toweling himself when he notices his reflection in the mirror.

He's not much to look at.

A skinny man.

Not even skinny, just bones. It looks bad because he's so tall - if he was a little shorter, he might have come off as less skeletal. The disease is the life out of him.

He lets his long, lanky fingers caress the skin of his face. There's large bags under his eyes, and his eyes look too big because of that. Red-rimmed, irritated, sick.

His lips are pale. Well, not just his lips - if he was any brighter, he would've disappeared in the background of the white wall.

His hair grew too long, it looks like auburn straw sticking to his scalp.

All he's able to think of is Myungsoo's girlfriend, with her healthy blush and high cheekbones and pretty eyes and it literally pinches at his insides. She's probably funny and smart too, because that's the kind of girl he sees Myungsoo with.

He couldn't have picture him dating a lesser being.

He understands he's jealous.

He's jealous, because he's not good company and he's not too much to look at. The only thing he can offer is his jokes.

How could he possibly be better company than her? Myungsoo probably only stayed because he felt guilty; he's the one who took him outside.

He suddenly hates the fact that he befriended Myungsoo. He shouldn't have. He knew he shouldn't have. That's why he doesn't befriend anybody.

It's better if Myungsoo didn't come at all.

Sungyeol writes him a letter that day, where he gives various reasons why he shouldn't come anymore.

It's much easier to write - because he can reveal his feelings without the awkward silence that comes after the sound of his voice.

He writes three more letters during the weekend.

Myungsoo may never read them, but it makes his heart ache less.

 

-

 

He's reading something on his tablet when Myungsoo comes over next, and he tries not to look up.

"Hi!" Myungsoo greets, setting his coat on the chair next to his bed. "I see they got the nose-thing out. And here I was just about to suggest you to audition for an alien part in some movie. I'm sure you would've done brilliantly. You could also make those owl noises you do. Totally alien material."

Sungyeol nods lightly, trying to focus on his tablet.

His mother came on the weekend, but Myungsoo did not.

Seeing his mom fussing around after him reminded him that he doesn't know Myungsoo that long, and he should probably let go of him. Myungsoo is soon going to stop coming anyway, so Sungyeol shouldn't have made any attachments in the first place.

"I bought a board game."

"What for?"

Myungsoo stays silent for awhile then carefully says; "So we could play."

Sungyeol finally looks up to see his face.

He looks a little awkward, then makes a strange face and sits on the bed next to his legs. "Are you mad at me?"

"Not really." He returns to his tablet. "I just think you probably have something better to do with your life than coming here. How many community service hours do you have left?"

Myungsoo stays silent for the longest time, forcing Sungyeol to look up again; "I finished them two weeks ago." He finally says.

Sungyeol feels outraged; "And you kept on coming? Why?! Why would you do that?!"

If he had the possibility to leave here, he would have never came back; he'd do everything. He'd try everything he didn't get to try. Travel around the world, meet new people, climb on a freaking ice-wall or just sit around on a beach in Busan with a cocktail and whistle at girls who pass by - even earning slaps from them won't discourage him.

"Because—" Myungsoo trails off; "Because honestly, I thought 1200 hours here are going to be hell, but it ended before I even blinked. Because of you. And it's a fun past time."

Sungyeol wants to retorts something but Myungsoo continues; "You're my friend. I don't even remember the last time I had an actual friend I can talk about my with—"

"What about your girlfriend?"

"What about her?"

"You can talk about your with her! In fact, you could be spending your time with her, just as we speak!"

"It's not the same. Girls don't understand stuff like that - I mean, she wouldn't understand these stuff the way you will."

"I can't believe this. If I was you, I wouldn't set my foot into this building ever again. Even if I had the worst injury ever."

"So, if it was me on this bed with a tube inside my nose and you were the one assigned with community service, you wouldn't have come to visit me?"

That really presses the wrong button.

So he really is coming out of guilt.

"I don't need your pity." He spits, angry. "I was mighty fine because you came into the picture—"

"I don't pity you, Sungyeol — Well, maybe I do, because sometimes you act like a retard—"

"You're the retard with your stupid bubble bottles!" He throws the pillow at him and Myungsoo tries his best not to burst out laughing; "—But my point is, that I don't pity you. I like coming here because we're friends."

"What about your girlfriend—"

"What does she has to do with anything? She's just a girl. Haven't you heard? Love comes and goes but friends stay forever." Myungsoo gives him a cheesy smile. He probably thinks he's hilarious.

"You can't ditch your girlfriend to come to this wretched room in this wretched hospital. People don't do that."

"I'm not people."

"Myungsoo," He puts down his tablet; "Go out there and live your life. Be a photographer. Have an exhibit of poop pictures. People like modern art. Just don't come here."

"I am living my life. Even without the photography thing."

"No, you're wasting it! Especially by coming here! I dream at nights how I get out of this place, and finish school, or get a job! And you have all this, and a beautiful girl on top of it, and you come here instead— I— " He grips into his sheets as the searing pain expends in his chest.

The new medication they started giving him a month ago is making him really bad.

"I thought you wanted to die peacefully. What happened? Did you have a change of heart or something? So much drama, jeez."

He tries to say something, but there's a rush coming up his throat, and then the feeling of his throat getting squeezed.

Myungsoo thinks he's joking for another 15 seconds, then furrows his eyebrows and presses the button to call the doctor.

.

The doctor tells Myungsoo that even though Sungyeol got his nose prong out, he's still very weak and prone to have attacks if he gets too excited. He also tells him that it would be better for him to leave, although he uses a much more gentle phrasing.

Myungsoo does leaves.

He doesn't come back for another four days, and in those four days, Sungyeol condition worsens.

He tries to write Myungsoo letters to keep himself busy, but in some point, he can't even hold the pen correctly, and he has to rasp to the nurse to take the pen out of his hand and tuck his things away.

They put back the damn nose-prong, and also put him on an IV treatment.

Sungyeol hates the IV therapy more than the therapy that makes him go bald, because as long as the needle is stuck to his arm, he can't even pee properly. Instead of pumping the life into him, the thing feels like it's it out through his vein.

Sungyeol wishes that Myungsoo won't come anymore. He doesn't want Myungsoo to see him like that.  

When he finally comes, Sungyeol is trying to fall asleep after he refused his lunch. He peeks into the room like a complete idiot, and when he sees he's awake and staring at him, immediately draws back and hits the door in the process.

Sungyeol waits for another minute or so, but he doesn't come in, so he tells him; "I didn't go blind, yet, if that's what you're hoping for. I saw you."

There's a scuffle, then he enters really slowly, looking kind of sheepish; "I was hoping you'd take me for a delusion or something." He hesitates, then puts the bag on the chair. "How are you?"

"Can't you see how great I'm doing?" He glances at the IV, then sighs; "It'd be nice to talk to someone, even if it's delusion." Sungyeol presses some button on his bed, and it lifts him up to a better angle.

It takes it terribly slow to do so, and it also produces weird sounds, so when it finally stops, he and Myungsoo kind of snort at the same time.

"So, why won't your other friends come?"

Sungyeol shrugs.

"Don't answer that, you have a horrible personality, and that explains that."

Sungyeol frowns; "You think my personality is bad? You should listen to yourself talk."

Myungsoo chuckles, and finally sits down; "Sorry I didn't come earlier—"

"I used to have tons of friends. At school. I was in a different hospital back then, and it was filled with their get-better cards and what-not. There would be a big enough crowd to make the doctor come in the room and ask them to leave every five seconds.  Even girls. Classmates I didn't know the name of. And they came all the time, until they didn't. Exam period, then holidays, at some point I started to annoy them with my texts, so one of them sent me a; 'why don't you die already?'" Sungyeol snorts; "That's why I don't have friends."

"That's cruel."

"Life is cruel."

Myungsoo bites his lip, then moves to sit on his bed; "I'm not going anywhere."

"Pfft, you won't have to wait long now. I'm going to drop dead any second." He coughs painfully and tries to adjust his position on the bed.

It hurts to breath like that, but he doesn't want to look ill. He really missed Myungsoo.

"Don't say that." The expression on his face turns soft suddenly. "I don't have any other friends either. I understood that when none of them wanted to testimony in my favor for the drug trail. I still wonder if they were bribed to do so or were just afraid to go against my roommate."

"If I were you, I'd go and try out drugs just to spite everybody."

Myungsoo laughs, then seems to have remembered something; "I applied to a college. Another one. I'm going to need to cram for a few weeks for the exam, but I think it'll be okay."

"That sounds... really good." He nods faintly, then tries to sit up, but can't.

He's really happy for him. "But what about photography?"

Myungsoo looks really concerned; "Should I call the nurse?"

Sungyeol shakes his head; "I'm fine."

"The nurse said you're not allowed visitors because your condition is bad."

"Really? How did you get in, then?"

"I used my charming personality," Myungsoo jokes.

Sungyeol wants to laugh, but something hoarse comes out.

"I'm going to get the nurse, alright?"

He catches his hand before he can leave. "No, stay. For a bit. I..."

The room starts to get foggy. He intertwines his fingers with Myungsoo's. He wonders if the nurse poured him some sedative into the IV so he'll fall asleep faster. Probably. She was messing with it earlier.

"Hey, Myungsoo?" He doesn't want to fall asleep, because he feels like Myungsoo might not come again if he does.

"What is it?" He answers.

"Could you promise me something."

"Just don't die on me. Do it when I leave."

"I'll try," He laughs; "But you'll have to try to go and become a photographer."

"I'm not taking photos of my poop. No matter how popular modern art is. I'm going to end up in the same room with Mr. Jang, if I do."

Sungyeol laughs some more. His eyes slip closed.

Myungsoo thumb caresses his hand.

"Could you give me a goodbye kiss?"

He's pretty sure he didn't say it out loud. Kind of embarrassing to ask for such a thing. It's probably the drug talking out of him.

Maybe Myungsoo left to call the nurse, or maybe he already fall asleep.

He's pretty sure he dreams about getting that kiss.

.

When he wakes up, Myungsoo isn't in the room.

He doesn't come by for the next week, which is by far the longest time he didn't visit him in months.

When another week passes, he understands he's not going to return.

He vows to get better after that, though he's not sure why.

Maybe Myungsoo wasn't even real and he imagined him.

He writes him one last letter.

It turns out longer than the rest of them, but he clearly gets the message across. Finally.

He likes him.

Maybe a little more than how you should like a friend.

 

... ... ...

 

For two days straight Myungsoo refuses showing his face in the hospital, so he sits in his apartment and misses Sungyeol.

He decides to confides in his girlfriend; she could tell he's behaving weirdly because she has that weird sixth-sense that girls have.

So he tells her. He tells her Sungyeol asked him to kiss him goodbye.

She dislikes Sungyeol although she never met him, because he can't really stop talking about him. He knows he's annoying, but he wants to tell everybody about Sungyeol.

He feels like one of those proud moms that walks around with a picture of her kid and shows it to people even when they don't ask.

So, because she didn't have a high opinion of him before, when he blurts it out, she looks disapproving.

"And? Did you?"

"Yeah."

She shrugs; "Well, at least now you won't have to go there anymore."

"Why not... Wait, Are you really okay with this?"

"Why shouldn't I be okay with it? If one kiss on the cheek is going to make you stop going there all the time—" She immediately knows by the expression on his face, though; "It wasn't on the cheek, was it?" She stands up abruptly, and takes her bag.

When he tries to explain it to her, he gets a slap.

Oh well.

.

On the cheek.

He feels stupid the more he thinks of it.

Why didn't he think of that?

Sungyeol probably didn't mean a kiss on the lips either. Because they're friends. Friends don't kiss on the mouth.

Why would he ask for a kiss on the lips?

The thought drove him insane. What was he thinking?

He could've just kissed him on the cheek but it didn't even occurred to him. It made much more sense to kiss him on the lips.

Sungyeol probably thinks he's an idiot, and it's embarrassing and he feels like burying himself somewhere.

He can't go to the hospital, so he excuses himself by cramming for the exam. It's really distracting, and makes him focus on something else besides obsessing about whether or not he goes to the hospital and faces him.

Yet most often than not, he spaces out thinking about Sungyeol. He wonders if he's still connected to the IV.

He looked pale and drowsy when he last visited, but the nurse promised him she just gave him seductive and there's absolutely nothing to worry about. "In fact," she said that day after she came into the room to check up if he already fall asleep, and caught Myungsoo with his cheeks burning red and his hand clutched tightly to Sungyeol's; "Things are looking up for him. His body is very welcoming to the new medications. It always gets a little worse before it gets better, he might be able to battle it out."

Myungsoo really hoped he fall asleep before he felt him kiss his lips.

Once he's done with the exam, he buys a set of colorful, ugly Christmas socks and comes to the hospital.

It's already winter, and Sungyeol is probably not wearing socks on his pale, fragile legs. Besides, it would make a good apology gift, along with a Christmas gift.

It's like killing two birds in one stone.

He could say he has elapses of insanity, he decides before he opens the door.

Only, the room is dark, and when he opens the light, there's nothing there beside an empty, freshly made bed. He immediately goes to the nurse station.

He's not familiar with any of the staff working that day, and one of the nurses just tells him that he was probably relocated to another ward. When Myungsoo asks her if she could check where, she checks on the computer, then says that she can't seem to find a patient like that in their hospital."

"I'm pretty sure he got relocated for another treatment." She assumes. "But maybe he got better and checked out."

"If you find anything, could you please, um, call me, or send me a message or whatever?" He gives her his details.

She nods; "I'm going to clean the room anyway, since a new patient is coming on Friday. Maybe I'll find something in the rack."

Myungsoo hates himself for not taking Sungyeol's number.

It just felt so natural for him to always come back to the hospital. As if he's always going to be there.

Now he probably thinks he abandoned him like all his friends. This feels really silly.

Definitely a misunderstanding.

He tries going to another hospital, but the receptionist is less helpful and immediately tells him she can't give him details about the patients unless he's a relative.

.

He feels the lack of him only a week after that.

It's been a month since he last saw him but it felt like eternity.

He no longer cares if Sungyeol thinks he's stupid for kissing him, he just wants to see him.

Even if he'll insult him and laugh about him being worried about nothing.

The doorbell rings one afternoon.

He gets a package.

"From the hospital." The delivery man tells him.

Christmas gift from Sungyeol?

Myungsoo examines it, then understands it's a patch of pages. He looks up at the delivery man, as if he has the answer.

"Could you please sign this?"

"What is that? Some medical papers to fill up? To me?"

The guy purses his lip to a thin line; ""A nurse asked me to get it to you because you left her your address. I usually deliver the deceased belongings to the family."

.

He feels like he's inside a nightmare and it's caving in on him and he can't wake up.

The first letter from the bunch is set almost three months ago.

He recognizes Sungyeol's handwriting before he even reads the 'Dear Myungsoo,' at the upper corner of the page.

He takes a sick leave from work.

He's actually sick.

The thought that there's no Sungyeol anymore makes him sick.

The possibility didn't even occurred to him, because that nurse told him he's getting better.

It takes him a while to read the letters.

Most of the time he keeps folding them back, unable to continue.

If Sungyeol would've lived, he would've made a fine author. Real heart-wrenching material right there.

When he finishes the last letter by date, he feels like he's the one dying.

What kind of a goodbye is that?

He feels like dying so he could beat up Sungyeol in the heavens for leaving him these letters.

Somebody could've called him, updated him on it, but instead they just sent him the letters as if it might console him. He could've come to the funeral.

He's not sure he'll be able to come over it.

They say time heals everything, but Myungsoo feels worse the more time passes.

He wishes he had more time. At least a little bit. At least another hour.

He regrets not coming to the hospital.

He regrets not visiting him more. He should've just put a small tent in the room and lived there.

What was he thinking not coming a whole month?

He regrets that he didn't met him earlier and didn't make him happy, at least for a while.

And he really wants to make him happy. Because Sungyeol deserves that.

Sungyeol deserves everything.

It hurts so bad.

He spends his Christmas rereading the letters, because he thinks that way, he can be with Sungyeol in Christmas.

The more he reads them, laughing at the silly remarks, he realizes, between the messy handwriting and the quirky sentences, that he never actually liked someone to this extent.

He might be sugar-coating it, but frankly, Myungsoo spent more time with Sungyeol in that little room, than he did with any of his girlfriends combined. Yes, it was compulsory but it sure as hell didn't feel like it.  

Sungyeol was right.

Life is cruel.

He's very much in love with a very dead Sungyeol.

Sungyeol probably would've rolled his eyes at him.

.

He decides to live for the both of them, at least for the time being.

Thinking that makes him feel like Sungyeol is still with him.

He decides not to go to college, like he planned, although he passes the entrance exam; he wouldn't have been a good engineer anyway. Instead he'll pursues the childhood dream about photography, while waiting tables to pay his bills.

He feels lonelier than ever.

In fact, it feels like his heart is bleeding, and sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night, and walks around in the apartment, trying to regulate his breathe and pretend he's okay.

It's been weeks since he read the letters, but the wound is still fresh. Myungsoo walks around with them in his backpack as if they're his burden to carry.

In a way they are.

He will carry Sungyeol in his heart with him.

It's easier to think that.

In his last letter, Sungyeol keeps promising over and over that he'll get better eventually and things will be different.

Maybe he is better where he is, but Myungsoo isn't.

He's not sure if he'll ever be.

 

Three months after Christmas, and his birthday is coming up.

Myungsoo wonders when Sungyeol's birthday would be. He regrets not asking him.

After his shifts, Myungsoo walks around aimlessly in the city, thinking it might restrain his wondering heart.

The wound is still feels fresh, and Sungyeol is still vivid in his memories.

Myungsoo is scared that he'll fade in the end, become a blurry face.

He walks into a cafe, that day, and orders a light coffee.

While he waits for it, he remembers Sungyeol always liked coffee - at least the smell of it. He wasn't allowed to drink it. He would sneak him chocolates with a coffee flavor and he'd make weird throaty noises while eating them.

It all seems so meaningless now. The coffee. Life.

Life no longer have a taste to it. And the coffee too, became tasteless.

He lives within the words in the letters, and everything else is like walking within a dream even in his wake.

Someone passes by him and taps on the counter impatiently.

"Jiae, I forgot my coat! It's in the back on the hanger!"

It's probably one of the barista from the earlier shift, but what leaves Myungsoo speechless is his striking resemblance to Lee Sungyeol.

His hair is short-cut, done in fashionable hairstyle. He looks healthy, and his cheeks are plump and a little pink from the cold.

"Where is it?" Comes a reply from the girl who took his order.  

"On the hanger!" He repeats. "Jiae, quickly!!! Quickly!"

He turns to his left, as if he wasn't expecting Myungsoo, and jumps in fright, putting a hand on his heart.

"Jeez, Myungsoo. What the hell are you doing here?"

"What?"

"Here's your stupid coat! Woohyun could wait you know..." The barista hands him back his coat and Myungsoo his coffee. "Sorry for your the wait!"

He wears it and glances at Myungsoo, then clears his throat.

"Well, it was nice meeting you." He pats Myungsoo's shoulder once, then waves at Jiae and is about to leave.

"I thought you were dead."

"What?" Sungyeol starts to laugh, but doesn't turn to him and keeps on walking. "I didn't look that bad in the hospital, did I?"

"You did but— I got your letters right before Christmas and I was sure you died because—"

Sungyeol rubs his head at the mention of the letters and looks uncomfortable.

He tugs onto his sleeve outside and stands in front of him so he won't take another step further. "How are you even alive?" He says it before he can think of something else to say.

It's really hard to speak.

He's even more beautiful from how he remembered him. He had the urge to take off his shoes and check if his feet are still pale and fragile just to make sure it's really him.

He shrugs. "I got another treatment - in a different facility. It was a bit pricy, but at least now I can walk about without dying. I have to swallow a bunch of pills for that, though. To maintain it. And I need to work because my mom loaned money— Not that it's any of your business."

Myungsoo understands he's angry with him because of something, but it's like a wave of relief washes over him and enfolds him in this tingling warmth. Sungyeol is alive, and safe, and normal, and works as a barista out of all things in the world, and he just wants to hug him and never let go again.

"I'm sorry." He says when he catches up to him; "It's just a bit of a shock, but it doesn't matter. Because you're alive and—"

"Look, man, I'll appreciate if you'll just leave me alone. If you read my letters, then you probably know now. It took me a load of time to get over you - in fact, I'm still in the process of doing so. If you could just leave and let me go about my merry way, it'd be great."

"You see, you don't need to get over me, because I'm—"

"Myungsoo, you left me there, and didn't return."

"I did return, but you weren't there and nobody knew where you are! Then I also got these letters and I thought—!"

"My mom must have overlooked it when she packed my stuff or something. I wondered where they went, actually. I'm sorry, they were never meant to get sent to you. In fact, I should've burned them when I had the chance."

"Then what, you didn't mean anything you wrote there?"  

He looks insulted when Myungsoo says that and probes his hand into his chest.

"What do you think? I sat around and imagined nice scenarios where I showed my vulnerable side to you so you could just leave and never come back? I went through excessive questionable treatment and now I have to swallow meds every other hour so it won't come back just because I swore to myself that I'm never going to open up to someone like I opened up to you—"

"Sungyeol, can you just let me talk?!"

"No." He turns to leave again.

Myungsoo catches him by the coat. "Can I at least have your phone number or something?"

Sungyeol stops walking and looks like he's about to punch him.

"I didn't know you were in love with me! You could've told me!" Myungsoo reasons immediately.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I needed to buy a neon sign that said that. And I didn't need you to know anything. I just needed a friend!"

"Could you just listen to me for a second?"

"Look, I understand. You have your life and I was just some sick kid you visited, so let's just forget about the whole thing—"

"No. I can't forget it. I spent so much time mourning you, and now I can finally," He takes a long inhale. "I can finally be with you. I guess I couldn't just wrap my head around with being with another man, and I just needed time."

Sungyeol looks really uncomfortable. He looks down, then back at him.

His eyes glint with emotions; "It's too late now."

"What do you mean too late?"

"I mean that it's too late. You didn't really expect me to sit and wait for you, did you? You never returned."

"I didn't come for three weeks! I thought it will give you time to cool off after I kissed you—"

Sungyeol looks so shocked when he hears it; "You did what?"

Myungsoo doesn't know what to say for the longest time, but he doesn't have to because somebody barges into their conversation.

"Sungyeol, seriously. You promised it'll take you a moment."

He's not very tall, but he looks really charismatic. He immediately puts his hand on Sungyeol's shoulder. "Who's this?" He asks. "A friend?"

Sungyeol looks like he didn't recovered yet from the argument, staring at him with his wide eyes. "Something like that." He clears his throat. "Um, Woohyun, this is Myungsoo. He used to visit me when I was at the hospital."

"Jerk Kim Myungsoo?" Woohyun asks as if that's how Sungyeol refers to him.

Myungsoo opens his mouth to bite something back, but Sungyeol continues with the introductions; "Myungsoo... This is Woohyun, my boyfriend."

 

---

A/N:It's so tremendously long and I am terribly sorry. To be quite honest I interpreted the idea of the prompt giver and wrote a comical story because I'm stupid - and it turned out really long, so I decided to write a new shorter one instead, but it came out pretty long too! (also sorry but not sorry about the wooyeol :D)Will post both of them once I'll be allowed! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everybody!!

StarlightSpirit: I am so emotional right now The Myungyeol is so perfect and the Wooyeol at the end makes me happy (because I love Wooyeol) but sad because Myungyeol :( I can only hope thatMyungsoo goes back to the coffee every day and steals Sungyeol's heart <3 Wow!

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