Clarissa

They say that it takes a genius to get all the items wrong in an examination. Perhaps that's what's become of her, a master of hiding from him when he was so within her reach. She's become the epitome of fangirling, knowing every step he made, knowing where he was at the exact moment, knowing to stay far away. She didn't know how she would hold herself together if they met.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Boyoung asked her for the fifth time that day.

"Yes, I'm okay." She attempted a smile. There's a recording today. In this building. All she had to do was stay hidden in the room for a few hours so he won't see her.

Yet no matter how she reassured herself, she couldn't erase the familiar dull ache that spread through her. He's near enough to touch, but he's still so far away.

"I've been worried about you for the past few months. You look tired all the time. You've lost weight. You always have a faraway look in your face." The unni looked at her with concern.

"I'm sorry, but it's really nothing. I promise to take care of myself more." It was an empty promise, but one that appeased her co-worker nonetheless.

She didn't know if she wanted to care for herself anymore. Part of her was happy at her suffering: she deserved whatever she was getting. She caused this pain, so she should be feeling the consequences. It was irrational, but it wasn't. It made her sleep better at night, however much she could actually sleep.

"Get some fresh air, then, and run me a few copies of these, okay?"

No. She wasn't supposed to be out right now. They're just about to arrive.

"When you come back, I want you to have a smile on your face—a genuine one."

How could she say no?

"Okay." She's avoided him for three months. She can do it again. Her heart started banging against her chest, with fear, with worry, but mostly with hope. What if she did see him? Against all thought, her heart still yearned for him, for the warmth of his stare, for the subtle weight of his hand on hers, for every small detail about him that filled her and completed her. She was hoping against all reason, she was hoping until it physically hurt.

She managed to reach the copy room in one piece—no signs of Exo. They must have gone in already. Relief washed over her, but disappointment ate at her from the inside. The contradiction was so, so funny. Tears started falling from her eyes. What am I doing? She let herself sink onto the floor as the machines started humming to life.

It was another state of normalcy that’s come to her life—the tears. They always seem to be at hand, wanted or not. The smallest things set her off—eating street food, seeing an oversized cardigan, running copies in the copy room. She was tired. She was so bone-tired.

The machine beeped to a stop, apathetic and cold. Clarissa wiped her tears, waited for her breaths to calm down, and picked up the copies. Time to plaster on a smile.

She made her way out, careful to duck her head so her puffy eyes won’t show.

“Crap. The master copy,” she cursed under her breath before making a sharp turn back to the copy room. Too late, she felt herself slip on the floor, paper flying everywhere as she lost control. Her met with the cold floor as pain shot through her veins. She laughed because everything just hurt, and it seemed like the perfect time to laugh.

She started collecting the scattered paper, feeling her tailbone throb. Suddenly, loud chatter filled the air, cameras flashed and snapped, and a mass of bodies lined the floor. No. They can’t be coming right now. She hurried frantically, hoping against all hope to reach the copy room before she was seen. One last paper. She quickly stood up, feeling about ten places where she hurt. She ignored the pain and ran for the copy room, only to be held back by madly screaming fangirls who came out of nowhere.

Clarissa groaned, feeling a few tears of frustration start leaking. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

“Please, I just want to get through,” she pleaded with those closest to her, to no avail. They pushed her back with strength she didn’t know they were capable of. As she struggled, the familiar figure of twelve boys started making their way to the building, bowing and smiling their way through.

Clarissa felt her breath catch at the sight of him, all smiles and little waves to the fans. There he was—so close. She wanted to turn away, but her eyes stayed glued on him, devoured the sight of him. Suddenly, his eyes darted over to her, locked with hers. The smile died on his lips as an unmistakable pain crosses his eyes. She turned away then.

She didn’t like what she saw in those eyes—they were so hauntingly familiar, so similar to what she saw when she looked at the mirror.

She ran back to her office, master copy forgotten. She wasn’t prepared for this. She wanted to see him move on, not feel the pain she was feeling. It wasn’t fair to him.

“There’s an idol group out right now,” she quickly explained to Boyoung. “I’ll get the master copy later.”

“Hey, were you crying?” Boyoung forced Clarissa to look her in the eyes.

“No, it’s just that I slipped and fell, and it kinda hurt.” She made a sheepish expression, not altogether lying.

“There’s ice in the fridge. I can make you an ice pack,” the unni immediately fussed over her. She wasn’t going to push Clarissa into truths she wasn’t willing to divulge.

“Thank you, Unni.”

“If you need anyone to talk to, I’m always just a phone call away, okay?”

“Thank you,” she repeated, knowing she couldn’t accept the offer. It took all of her willpower not to cry, not to remember those pained eyes, not to reach out and erase the last few months. If only I could ice my heart as well.

--

So.... a lot of y'all voted that they get back together right away. Hahaha this is the most realistic I could do. Obviously, the time of avoidance will soon be over, because they've already seen each other. I promise to make the reunion as quick as possible. LOL I realize that some people have unsubscribed ever since crap started hitting the fan in this fanfic. You guys, don't leave me. /creys a river/ I know I can be hard to deal with, but... but... just don't leave me. T.T I promise things will be better soon. If you have extra time to read, go read this please :)