Clarissa/Kai

Something’s off today. Clarissa just knew it from the way he walked towards her, the way his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, the way he kept running a hand through his hair. It wasn’t helping her turbulent thoughts calm down. Did I do something wrong?

She crossed her arms across her chest as they sat on the park bench.

“Hey, are you okay?” She finally spoke. Are we okay?

He sighed before he looked at her. “No. Actually, I’m not.”

She felt her heart drum against her ribcage, dread washing over her. Nothing felt right about this late-night rendezvous. She waited for him to continue.

“This was what I’ve been really scared of,” Kai began.

Clarissa could barely hear him through the loud thudding of her heartbeat.

“I should’ve known from the very beginning…” he trailed off.

“Jongin, you’re speaking in riddles. What are you talking about?”

Kai looked like he was waking up from a dream. “I’ve just been thinking a lot. I feel like I brought you into a huge mess.”

Clarissa shook her head—he wasn’t making any sense. “What mess?”

“Maybe all of this is a big mistake. Maybe we shouldn’t have started at all.” Kai didn’t like where he was headed. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be going.

His words felt like a slap in the face. “You—you’re regretting this? Us?” Clarissa wracked her brain for a reason for this sudden change of heart. Is he breaking up with me? What did I do wrong?

Clarissa’s chest tightened and her ears started ringing. What did I do wrong? But everything’s been going well…

Kai quickly took a hold of her hands. He didn’t know how to broach the topic either, but he knew he needed to quickly shift gears. “No! That’s not what I meant. I don’t regret the time we spent together.”

“Then why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?” Clarissa didn’t want to cry right now—she needed to stay firm to know the reason. Still, hot tears started pricking her eyes.

“I’m…” Kai sighed in frustration. He thought about ’s advice.

“Do you think you’ll be hurting her any less if you kept secrets from her?”

He wiped away a stray tear that escaped her eye. “I’m sorry. Let me start again, okay? Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” His thumbs grazed her cheeks to wipe away more tears that started falling.

“Our manager found out about you.” He didn’t want to continue. He didn’t want to say the next few words.

“And he wants you to break up with me,” she continued for him matter-of-factly. An unwanted sob betrayed her emotion.

Kai nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

“So I guess this is you trying to say goodbye?” A wall was forming around Clarissa’s eyes. I have such y luck with boyfriends, she thought bitterly.

“No. No. That’s not it,” Kai didn’t like the sudden coldness. “I wanted to talk to you about this.”

“What for?” Clarissa wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about it. Not when she was about to be dumped again.

“Because…” Kai grew desperate. “Because we’re both in this relationship, and I don’t want anyone dictating how our relationship should be going. It should be our decision: the two of us talking it over. Please, Reese, look at me.” He pleaded, feeling his heart breaking.

Clarissa felt her defenses go down. She immediately felt guilty for assuming things about Kai, for having to remind herself that this wasn’t Ryan, that he wouldn’t leave her out cold. She looked him in the eye, and seeing the vulnerability in them made her cry harder. Sometimes she forgot that Kai was still young, that he was new to this.

“Okay.” Clarissa was willing to work on this relationship, and that meant listening like an adult, talking it over with him like an adult, and reacting like an adult. “Tell me from the very beginning.” She adjusted the hands on her lap so it was her hand that covered his.

“There’s a dating ban in our company for a reason—they want to avoid having to clean up the media mess if things leak out.” He sighed. “So, the manager wants me to break things before anyone catches on.”

Clarissa nodded, feeling a part of her wither at the mention of breaking things.

“I don’t want to drag you into this mess—you’ve seen the fangirls in person when we went to Myeongdong. We’ve managed to cover that up, but they’re capable of horrible, more despicable things than what you saw.” Kai closed his eyes for a few seconds.

“They’re going to make your life miserable, and I can’t do that to you.” He drew a ragged breath, trying not to imagine the hate she’ll receive.

Clarissa remained quiet, processing everything he’s said.

“But who’s that girl beside him? Is that his girlfriend? She isn’t even pretty.”

Memories from the ddeokbokki stand came back to her. Those fangirls weren’t messing around.

Clarissa played with Kai’s fingers, trying not to have a panic attack—she knew what she signed up for, didn’t she? She couldn’t imagine letting him go, the Jongin who somehow managed to take up the hidden space in her heart. She couldn’t imagine living without him. But if she was being realistic, she knew the fangirls would make a huge crevice in their relationship, one that could be impossible to heal. She had to take a step back so no one could cause damage to what they've built together.

“Do you want to take a break?” Clarissa knew she had to make the decision for both of them. It’s the only way Kai wouldn’t feel guilty.

He looked at her. Yes. I want to take a break. I want to take a break from the fans, from this race to fame, from having to leave you behind in the process. But I don’t want to take a break from you. He remembered the first time they held hands; it felt like he was able to breathe again. That’s what she makes him feel—alive.

“No. I don’t. I don’t think I can,” his voice cracked.

Clarissa wrapped an arm around his waist, burying her head on his shoulder. “You have to. For you. For me. For us. I’ll stay right here. I’ll wait for you as long as I need to.”

Kai shook his head. “That’s unfair.” A tear fell on her eyelid.

Clarissa raised her head to kiss his cheek, to erase his tears. Her heart was breaking for this young man, for herself, for the way life was unfair.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. But I’m letting you go for now, okay?” She held in the tears that threatened to fall, and just as she said, she retracted her arm away from him.

She stood up and cupped his right cheek with her palm. “Don’t worry about anything else. Just shine brightly so I can see you from a distance.” She let go and started walking away.

Kai held onto her wrist and pulled her into his arms, sobs wracking his chest. “Don’t. Don’t go, please.”

Clarissa felt her heart being torn from her chest. She slowly pulled his arm away from her. “Bye, Jongin.” She turned away before she could change her mind. She walked away and never turned back.

--

/Sobs in a corner and cries./ At least they went their separate ways fully knowing what was happening.