Clarissa

Clarissa half ran, half speed-walked her way to the third floor. How many weeks has it been since she saw him in person? She stopped running, straightening her clothes as she attempted to calm her racing heartbeat. Calm, cool, and collected. That’s what you are, Clarissa. Don’t be such a fangirl. She took in a few breaths for good measure, and walked in the direction of the screaming fangirls. She didn’t have to look very far. She stood a distance away, scanning the area for a certain tanned boy who, unbeknownst to her, was doing the same exact thing.

A slow smile crept to her face when she finally saw him. Her heart clenched suddenly. What is this feeling? Longing? She shook her head. As if her feet had a mind of its own, she started walking towards him, biting her lip to suppress an idiotic grin. He looks so… beautiful. As always. What’s he looking for? Is he looking for—her breath hitched on when his eyes landed on her, stayed on her. She froze, suddenly self-conscious.

He waved in the general direction of the crowd, but his eyes remained glued to her. Clarissa resisted the urge to fan herself. She felt a blush spreading from her collarbones to the roots of her hair. Is it just me, or is it really hot here?  She wanted to look away—the staring contest was turning her into a puddle of goo. She thought she was used to him: they were texting buddies, after all.

Clarissa had never been so dead wrong—this was Kai she was looking at. Texting was not the same as seeing him in real life, and seeing him smirk at her—is he flirting with me with those eyes?—just made her lose all coherent thought. For once, she appreciated the fangirls separating them. She didn’t know how she could stand being closer to him.

What made it so different this time? She’s been within hugging distance from Kai before. Somehow, she’s never felt so…so attracted before. She shook her head again. Do your self-reflection later. She realized that was hanging slightly open and quickly closed it. Great. You’ve succeeded in looking like an awestruck fangirl.

The spell was broken when Kai suddenly looked down. After a few seconds, she felt her phone vibrate.

[2:45pm]: I’m sorry I couldn’t even have a decent conversation with you. :(

When Clarissa looked up, she saw Kai looking at her, an unmistakably apologetic expression on his face. She felt her frayed nerves calm down—this was the Jongin she’s come to know. He was back to the sweet guy she texts every night. She gave him a smile, trying to say with her eyes that it was okay. She understands.

[2:48pm]: Is there something on my face? The fangirls are going to catch on if you keep looking towards my direction, and who knows what could happen.

She looked at him, trying to see the smallest of his reactions. He rubbed the back of his neck, a sheepish smile forming on his beautiful face.

[2:49pm]: Sorry. I can’t help it. I haven’t seen you in a while.

She felt her face burning again. Is he telling me he misses me? She looked up, only to see him looking somewhere else. She felt a pang of disappointment, even though she was the one who told him to look away. It wasn’t until he did that she suddenly felt cold—his eyes had emitted so much warmth.

She started walking towards him again, faster this time. “Excuse me. Sorry,” she kept repeating as she tried to push through the crowd. What was she trying to do? After a few minutes, she reached him. She tried clearing to get his attention, to no avail. Right. It’s too noisy to hear. How do I catch his attention? Calling his name isn’t going to do the trick, either.

She reached out and gently squeezed his hand before quickly letting go. Even the slightest contact with him sent shivers down her spine—good shivers. His hands are unexpectedly big and warm, she smiled to herself. As soon as she let go though, she felt the warm hands wrap around hers again. She gasped in surprise and quickly tried tugging her hand away. “What if people see?” Even though she was whispering, she knew he heard her.

“We’re too crowded to be seen,” he smirked, holding on to her hand a bit tighter. For the second time today, she felt thankful for the fangirls. Still, she gently pulled her hand away. “I just wanted to be closer to you for a bit. I’ll see you later.” And with a last smile, she walked away from the crowd.

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What was that?

For the rest of the day, Clarissa couldn’t concentrate on work. She let herself get carried away earlier. She approached him, held his hand. Is it because she likes him?

Clarissa blew a raspberry. She was just blown away by his stardom. Nothing more. She didn’t like him. Not in that way.

Did she like him?

Did she?

She was drawing a blank. Aaaargh. I DON’T KNOW!

So what if she held his hand? So what if their hands felt like they were meant to hold each other’s? That didn’t mean anything. Friends can hold hands. Maybe she was just really missing him.

Missing him?

Clarissa slapped herself across the cheek. She was over-thinking again. Stop digging a hole for yourself! She was more confused than ever.

But a piece of her mind’s puzzle suddenly clicked. That was the feeling she felt earlier: she missed him, as irrational as that was. She missed him.

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I said to myself that I'd only update once today, but even I was carried away by my story, so I just had to see what happened next.  Hahaha so here you go. :) Here comes the confusion! It feels a bit like the whole chapter was about her thoughts, no? But I thought it was necessary to give you guys a thorough characterization of Clarissa and what goes on in her head. Yes. I have a method to my madness. :D