Clarissa

They haven’t seen each other since the confession—Exo went overseas the next day, and they weren’t due back for a few days. It gave Clarissa space to think and mull things over. His words kept running through her head like a broken recorder:

“All I know is, I like you. How do I know? Because my heart’s beating like crazy right now. Because when I look at you, I imagine what it’s like to try things I’ve never done before.”

Clarissa felt herself blushing at the memory, at the thought that she’s the reason for his racing heart. She’s the girl he imagines himself with. How did that happen? She was still in a daze, unsure where all those feelings stemmed from. Yet, even when she was shocked, a part of her already knew how he felt. Flashes of memory came to her unbidden: the way he said he hoped to see her again the first time they met, the way he smirked at her across the room, the way he held her hand an extra second when she tried to pull away, the way he asked for her number. It all accumulated to this moment, this moment of guarded bliss for Clarissa. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

Still, she was hesitant to say yes, because there were still so many questions in her head. She didn’t doubt Kai’s affection—she could plainly see the truth in his eyes, as cliché as that sounded. She doubted herself. One thing she’s learned about her past relationship is that she needs to be complete and satisfied with herself before she tries to complete another person. She didn’t want to jump into another relationship while she was still broken. It would be unfair to Kai.

So, Clarissa went soul searching within herself, making a list in her head of the things she needed to figure out.

1.       Is she really over her ex?

2.       Is she prepared for the repercussions of dating a star?

But most importantly,

3.       Is she feeling this way because it’s Kai, because she’s dating a star? Or is she feeling her heart race because it’s her genuine feelings for Jongin, the person behind all the glamour of stardom?

Clarissa felt silly having to enumerate these things, but it’s always helped her clear her thoughts, so why not?

She thought about the first question: she’s been moping around thinking about Ryan for the longest time. Telling Kai her story felt like a release—as if a dam inside her has broken, as if she was finally getting her closure. Still, she wanted to make sure. Clarissa pictured Ryan in her head, chanting his name over and over again, waiting to see how she’d react.

Ryan.

Ryan.

Ryan.

Nothing. No more of the old insecurities, no more of the heart clenching. Clarissa shook her head. It’s gone. She felt herself smile triumphantly. I’m really moving on, Ryan.

Clarissa moved on to the next question, her confidence growing. Is she prepared for the repercussions of dating a star? She felt her confidence deflate once again. This one is difficult. The first time they went on a “date,” they hadn’t been official. We still aren’t, Clarissa corrected herself. Yet she already went batpoop crazy. What are the chances she won’t do that again once they start really going out? Clarissa rationalized it in her head—what was the reason she went crazy in the first place? It’s because it reminded you of Ryan. Clarissa nodded. You know Jongin wouldn’t do that to you. Clarissa surprised herself. Since when has she had this much trust in Jongin?

She started wondering if she was going down the deep end again, trusting blindly and being fooled in the long run. But even before she had the chance to ask herself, she already knew the answer: there was a good foundation for that trust. Every contact they’ve had with each other, Kai has initiated. Every move, every worry, Kai took care of. Kai’s the first to want to see her again, the one who’d asked for her number, the one who called her after they had that fangirl debacle. She realized that she’s always on the receiving end of the appreciation and the affection, and she hasn’t been doing a lot of reciprocating.

BGM- Brown Eyes

Clarissa decided even before reaching the third question that things were going to change. No more throwing childish tantrums at being left behind, for one. That solves the second question.

And after all that soul-searching, Clarissa already knew the answer to the third question.

______________________________________________________________________________

For the umpteenth time that week, Clarissa found herself sitting on the porch, waiting for Kai to see her. Today was the day they came back, and she had an answer ready. The air was getting cooler as fall approached, and Clarissa pulled Kai’s cardigan closer to herself like a cold embrace. She missed him, wanted to see him badly after having figured the answers out. At the sight of a black van pulling up the driveway, she immediately ran for cover, going on the side of the building as the members slowly filed out of the car. Kai came out last, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Clarissa wanted to run to him but stayed put.

[9:49pm]: Meet me at the usual place.

Clarissa saw Kai look down on his phone and smile that adorable smile, lighting up his exhausted face. He looked around the area, trying to find Clarissa. She pressed her back against the wall, determined to surprise him. She stole another peek and saw Kai head up the stairs. She stayed in the corner of the building, waiting for Kai to head back down.

After an excruciating ten minutes, he finally came down, running towards the empty steps. He stopped, confused, and put his hands on his hips. Isn’t this where the meeting place actually is?

Clarissa took that time to run towards him, slipping her arms onto his waist and hugging him from behind. She rested her head on his back, savoring his clean linen smell. “I missed you so, so much.”

She felt Kai snake his hands tentatively so they covered hers. “Really?” He removed her hands gently, held them to her sides, and turned towards her, his face full of questions.

“That’s your cue to say ‘I missed you too,’” Clarissa mumbled, her cheeks blooming red.

Kai only continued to stare, his own cheeks tinted a slight pink.

“Stop staring!” Clarissa looked down at her feet.

“I missed you too.” Kai said, his brown eyes seeming to drink her in. Still, he looked at her questioningly.

Then it hit Clarissa. She pulled him in again, hugging him tightly. “In case you were wondering, the answer is yes. Yes.”

--

Before anything else... The feels, man. The feels. Destiny's Child was my childhood jam, peeps.

Okay. LOL Don't kill me, guys. I know some of you really wanted a lot of action in this chapter, so I'm sorry for disappointing those who did. T.T Hear me out, though...

I want you guys to truly understand Clarissa. Her story has more depth than meets the eye. Some of you guys felt frustrated at her denseness, so I wanted to shed a little light to her side of the story. It's not that she's oblivious or playing dumb. She's the more mature half of this relationship, and I wanted that to show in the way she really considered Kai's confession. This is fluffy fiction, but that doesn't mean it's going to be thoughtless fluff. Although love requires people to take huge leaps of faith, it's the small steps of rationalization like these that really build relationships that last a lifetime. I hope you still enjoyed this chapter despite the lack of otp interaction.

As always, comment! Each and every one of you is important to me. <3