Daesung was happy. There was no doubt about it. He had often wondered about the concept of happiness and what qualified as being happy, whether the Hollywood concept wasn't just something that they had made up to give people hope and make them go to their movies. In Daesung's experience, true pure happiness was an unreachable dream. He had often felt elated and excited over some thing or another, but it was never really able to reach the deepest darkest parts of him. It felt good on the surface, but he could feel something inside of him holding him back. Maybe it was an unconscious safety mechanism, since if you opened your heart completely to happiness, then you opened it up to sadness and hurt as well. He acted all tough, he had been forced to when their dad left, he needed to be there for his mom. He had become the man of the house, and the man of the house didn't sit around his wounds all day. He had more important business to take care of. Even so, he hadn't really managed to fool himself. He knew he had a weak heart, it was too soft, dangerously mushy. And it still hadn't healed from the disappointment that was his dad.

He hadn't planned to open his heart up again, he wasn't sure it would handle another heartbreak. But he hadn't been given a choice, without noticing, it had slowly been welcoming Seunghyun in, wrapping him in a bundle of warm, fluffy feelings. Daesung got a pang in his stomach as he thought about it. He was lying in Seunghyun's arms still, snuggling up to his warm body, so he didn't get too agitated, but it was still a scary thought. Now his heart was in someone else's hands, and that someone was free to do whatever he wanted with it. Daesung wouldn't be able to protect it.

He trusted Seunghyun though. It would be safe with him.. right? He wouldn't accidentally drop it and break it, would he? He was a bit clumsy. Daesung bit his lip, deep in thought. “Hey, puppy?” Seunghyun whispered in his ear, tightening his hold on him. “Puppy?” Daesung asked confused, still stuck in the sticky web of his thoughts. “Yeah, you're my little puppy dog!” Seunghyun chuckled hoarsely, patting the top of his head. “Who's a good boy, who's a good good boy?” Seunghyun teased, using the same tone you would when talking to a cute baby puppy. “Hey!” Daesung pretended to be offended, launching a failed tickle attack. Seunghyun could predict his actions, counter attacking before Daesung even had a chance to warm up his tickle-muscles. He had him in a sort of a human straightjacket. He couldn't move an inch, hearing Seunghyun's pant right by his ear.

As Seunghyun loosened his grip, Daesung could feel his warm lips on his shoulder. Yes, this was definitely happiness. There wasn't a smidge of doubt in Daesung's mind. He gave in to the intoxicating feeling of tingling warmth, wriggling loose so he could kiss Seunghyun properly. He lost himself in the kiss, unaware of time or space. It could've been five minutes, an hour, days for all he was concerned. He didn't care. They were in their own little world and there was nothing else that mattered.

Daesung lay his head on Seunghyun's shoulder, playing with the hairs right below his belly button. Seunghyun seemed to like it. He was quiet, but every once in a while he let out a low purr. Daesung felt really close to him, like their hearts were beating in unison, like they could understand one another on a deeper level. Like words were no longer necessary. They were on the same page, in a book written in their own special language.

“We should get a place together when we go to university.” Daesung said, surprising himself as much as he surprised Seunghyun. He had no clue he was going to say that, it just slipped out. He had dreamt about how their future together would look like, but he hadn't dared to breath a word of it to Seunghyun, thinking it was too soon. But it no longer felt like it was too soon. He didn't want to be alone with his thoughts anymore, he wanted to share them with Seunghyun. It was not like he was asking him to marry him on the spot, he just wanted to talk about where they were headed, how Seunghyun envisioned their relationship later on. What his dreams were and how he could help him realize them.

Seunghyun was quiet. Too quiet. Daesung couldn't handle the silence that was making the air thick with anticipation and anxiety, so he randomly continued. “We don't have to of course! But I think it would be fun. I don't mean a mansion like this, I would never be able to afford it, since I still have to help mom out. But even if the place was really small, we could be happy there, right? Just the two of us, in a cozy studio apartment. Or do you think you wouldn't be able to adjust to the step down in comfort? I know how easy it is to get used to nice things, and you start taking them for granted, so it's always hard when they are taken away and you have to go back to the stone ages, or that's what it feels like, right?” Daesung giggled awkwardly, catching his breath before he continued. He sensed he should stop here before he did any more damage, but his mouth just kept moving.

“Then after we graduate and get jobs, we can get a bigger apartment. Bring back some of the comfort you are used to. I would do all the cooking obviously, since we don't want to get food poisoning everyday.” Daesung teased, glancing at Seunghyun with a smirk that immediately turned upside down. Seunghyun had no expression, even his eyes were far away. It was like he wasn't even there. Daesung felt abandoned and alone, the worry-knot in his gut growing.

“It wouldn't be for free of course, you would have to pay me back somehow.” he tried to wink naughtily, but Seunghyun didn't even notice. He was trying as hard he could to make the atmosphere a little lighter. He had thought that turning his accidentally way too early where-are-we-going conversation into a light joke would bring Seunghyun back from his stupor, but no such luck. He was getting more nervous with every second that passed, making his babbling mouth spout out nonsense that he knew would only make the situation worse. But he couldn't help himself. He couldn't stay quiet and listen to the loud pounding of the doom that lay in the air. It was using his eardrums to sound out an ominous drum beat, like a tribe preparing for a sacrificial execution.

“I know you aren't religious, but how do you feel about marriage? Because I'm kind of old fashioned so I kind of would like to get married someday. I know it's not legal, but maybe it will be then. And if it isn't, we could just have our own ceremony. It doesn't have to be official. We could just invite our closest friends and family and have a nice day together. The official paper isn't what is important, it's the contract we sign in our hearts that is the point, you know.”. What the hell was he going on about?! Shut up, shut up, shut up, please please shut up!, he told himself repeatedly, getting completely ignored.

“Do you want kids? I kind of want them. Not now! But it would be nice in the future, when we have like a house and jobs and everything together. I know it's not biologically possible for us, but do you think they would allow us to adopt? Can you imagine? I'd be the 'mom'-dad and you'd be the 'dad'-dad, I don't know, I just see you as a 'dad'-dad. It doesn't have to be like that if you don't like it though. I mean, I'm just thinking out loud, you know, nothing concrete. Everything is open up for discussion. Just imagine how cute that kid would be though. We could go to the beach when the weather is good, play in the water together and take strolls in the sand. When the little guy gets tired, you could give him a horseback ride and he would be so tired from playing all day that he would fall asleep, drooling on your shoulder. Then we could have some alone time, super romantic!”.

“Or we could at least get a puppy...” Daesung stopped mid-sentence when Seunghyun sat up in the bed. His face was stony, unreadable. Daesung wasn't sure whether it was bad or not, because he always had that statue face at school, ever since he first met him in fact. And then he had liked him, loved him, without it showing up on his face. So it didn't have to mean anything. Please, let it not mean anything.

Seunghyun wet his lips, getting ready to speak. Daesung held his breath. He knew he had overstepped, he had been overenthusiastic and way too forthcoming about everything. Why had he done it?! He didn't know, he hadn't been able to control it. It was like a quicksand, the more you try to get out, the deeper you sink.

Seunghyun faced him, taking his hand in his. His touch made Daesung feel a little better. “Daesung-ah...” he began softly. His expression was kind and loving, with a hint of sadness. Daesung didn't really know what to make of it. He didn't seem mad at least, nor freaked out. But there was something in the air, something intangible. And he was too serious for it to be a flimsy reply to Daesung's wonderings. He sighed.

“I thought you knew that we couldn't end up together.” Seunghyun squeezed his hand harder, but it didn't soften the blow at all. Daesung had no idea what he was talking about. There was a ringing sound in his ears, like he had been slapped with a wet towel. “There is no place for us in this world. The society doesn't accept us, and it never will. We will never be able to get married, let alone be allowed to adopt. That's not even on the first page of the list of problems we would face. It would ruin our lives. We would have to live like nomads, since we would be fired from our jobs each time it was discovered that we were a gay couple. And no matter how we would hide it, they would find out. So we would have to live in fear, growing to resent each other for missing out on everything life has to offer. It's damaging to the soul to be on the run your entire life, living in fear, always worrying about being caught. Ending up feeling ashamed of who you are and what you have become.”.

Seunghyun drew Daesung closer, he wanted to resist but he had no strength left. Seunghyun used his free hand to his face, running his thumb gingerly over the lower part of his cheek. “What we have is something special. I've never ever felt like this in my whole life. I didn't think it would be possible for me to ever fall in love, but you just barged into my heart without even knocking. And I'm glad you did. What we have is precious, we have to protect it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself seeing it poisoned by the world, slowly eating at it until there would be nothing left, even our memories tainted, making us wonder if it ever existed. I couldn't bare it. Now that I've been touched by your love, I don't want to live without it. I can't.”.

Daesung was confused, if they couldn't be together, but Seunghyun couldn't live without him, where did that leave them then? He was getting a headache, his whole body in a fight or flight stance. “We have until the end of the semester. We can continue making wonderful mind blowing memories for now, and then let's call it quits while we still can. An amicable separation, allowing us both to live our lives with our love safe in our hearts, where nobody can touch it. I'll be happy knowing you are healthy and happy, leading a successful life out there somewhere. I will cheer for you until the day I die, I can promise you that. Just remember that you can do anything you set your mind to. I believe in you, so whenever you are down, know that I'll send you a 'fighting!'. It won't be easy, but it's better than the alternative. We can fight off the loneliness with the memories of us.”.

“Anyway, there's still time left, so let's not let this cast a shadow over our remaining time together, okay? Please..” Seunghyun's voice cracked. He was almost trembling.

Daesung couldn't process what just happened. He couldn't believe it. So they had a date of expiry all of a sudden? Like a factory employee had suddenly dropped by with his label-gun, sealing their fate with one little sticker. His dreams and his life shattered in one blow.