“Actually.. my family is kind of messed up too.” Daesung burrowed his face into Seunghyun's chest, he hadn't felt so good in, well, probably ever. His body was completely at peace, his continuously wrestling cells taking a breather. The endless thoughts that normally circled his brain were quiet. It was nice. Strange, but nice. He could feel such a strong connection to Seunghyun, like there was an invisible line connecting their bellybuttons, making it possible for them to share each other's essence, letting their souls touch. Maybe he was being overly dramatic, but it was good to let oneself feel happiness once in a while. It was terrifying, but good.

Seunghyun didn't say anything and just waited patiently for him to continue, his back lightly. Every left a trail of butterflies batting their wings playfully against his skin. Daesung took a deep breath, Seunghyun's cologne tickling the inside of his nose. It smelled really good, but for some reason Daesung liked the sweaty undertone that was mixed in with the cologne better. The smell of sweat was barely able to break the surface of Seunghyun's protective shield of cologne, calling for help, trying to escape its exile. It was an alluring scent, Daesung felt drawn to it. It awakened something primal within him. He wanted to roll around with Seunghyun until the sweat would get the upper hand, getting lost in each other, and vulnerable, with nothing to hide. But in order for that to be possible, he needed to get this off his chest.

“So.. you've probably noticed that I don't talk about my dad much. Or at all actually.” Daesung could feel the familiar feeling of rage growing inside him, heat rushing to his cheeks. “There's a reason for that. There's a reason why it's only me and my mom. There's a reason why my mom comes home after a double shift with back pains so bad that she can't walk upright.” the tears were threatening to put on a performance, but Daesung did all he could to keep them backstage. “When I was 8 years old my dad lost his job. It wasn't the first one he had lost, and not even the second or third one. When I was little I used to think all dads were like that, changing jobs every few months. Once he managed to hold down a job for almost a year and I remember thinking whether it wasn't time for dad to change to another one, what could he be doing for such a long time at the same place, why was he taking so long to finish his chores? See, dad always said that when he was fired, that he had finished his chores, so it was time to move on.” Daesung bit his lip, it had been a long time since he had last thought about the time when he didn't hate his dad. It seemed a lifetime ago, like the young him wasn't him at all but this whole other person.

“One day he just didn't come home from work. I waited up for him until about 3 AM before my eyelids got too heavy to force them to stay open any longer. The next day they came. Thugs, the lot of them. They trashed our house, they smashed our TV and...” there was a knot building up in Daesung's throat, making his voice waver. “..and they slapped my mom. I tried to protect her, but I was only 8, there wasn't much I could do.” the memories came flooding back, like a dam had been broken. A dam he had worked very hard in building. He didn't like to think about that day, the feeling of helplessness that ate at his heart was petrifying.

Seunghyun tightened his arm around him, letting him know he was there, that he was listening. It made Daesung feel safe, made him feel like he could tell him anything. As long as he was in Seunghyun's arms, there was nothing that could hurt him, there was nothing he couldn't do. “Turns out that instead of showing up for work, my dad showed up at the tracks, betting anything he could get his hands on. He had gotten a few loans from some very scary people and when the time came to pay them back, he vanished into thin air, leaving nothing but the ghost of the life we once had. Of course the loan sharks weren't just going to forget about the money they were missing, so they turned to my mom. They were now her debts. But we had nothing. She gave them what little money she had saved up, money she had hid from dad, money she intended to use for my tuition later on. The future fund she called it. Well that day we were both robbed of our future. My selfish lowlife of a father took it from us in one fell swoop and didn't even bother with a simple sorry.” Daesung went quiet. He bit his lip in frustration. Nothing good could come from thinking about that bastard. Had he ever loved them? Daesung doubted it. How could someone treat their loved ones that way? No, he had never loved them, the only thing he had loved were those damn horses. It wasn't the horses' fault, yet Daesung couldn't help but feel resentment every time he saw a horse.

Seunghyun pulled him towards him and kissed his nose, looking deep into his eyes. Daesung melted in his arms, his heart turning into a bowl of jell-O. Guiltily, Daesung admitted, “Sometimes I pretend I have this great dad, only he's an important general in the army, or a doctor trying to save the malnourished children of Africa, or whatever hero job would take him away from his family. I never tell anyone I am the spawn of a heartless monster, I just can't. I used to say it was just me and my mom, omitting any mention of that poor excuse for a father, but people are so prejudiced. I always got those looks, those judgmental stares filled with pretend pity. I couldn't take it anymore. I hate lying, but my dad robbed me of my future, I was not going to let him rob me of my present as well.”. He held his breath, waiting for Seunghyun's reaction. Had he shared too much? Was he asking too much of Seunghyun, wanting complete understanding in regards to his situation? Maybe. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all. A seed of regret began to sprout in his gut.

After a moment of excruciating silence, Seunghyun finally spoke. “I sometimes pretend my dad can hear me and I tell him stuff.” he said softly. “Pretend? He's most definitely in heaven and he can hear everything you are saying.” Daesung assured him. “Yeah, no, I don't believe in God.” Seunghyun said dryly. Doesn't believe in God? Daesung was shocked. Who didn't believe in God?! Daesung got a pang in his heart, if Seunghyun didn't believe in God, then he had thought he was all alone in his time of darkness, with no one at his side. It was a devastating thought. He wanted to object and show Seunghyun the light, but he sensed now was not the right time. “That's okay, I'll just believe for the both of us. What do you tell him?” Daesung couldn't help himself, he was too curious not to ask.

“I tell him about you.”