tw: self harm

 

"Ah, no thanks!" You grabbed the from your best friend's hand and put them back in the pile. "We're shopping for you, not me."

She gave you a disapproving look but walked away from the lingerie marketed for "A Fun Night." You sighed in relief as she went to look at things in her own size. "Isn't your boyfriend straight?" she asked while sifting through the drawers of bras.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Her scoff made you feel worse about yourself because you knew what was coming. "I'm just trying to figure out the reason for your abstinence. You're hot, your boyfriend's hot. Why haven't the two of you done the deed?"

"How do you know we haven't?" you retaliated as you tried to hide your red face by taking great interest in the clearance bin.

"Please," your friend stood up with her hands on her hips. "If you did, you'd call me the morning after and tell me all about it."

"I-I wouldn't do that," you stammered.

"Come on, make him happy by buying something like this." She held out a silky set and you wrapped your arms around your stomach in self-consciously.

"No, I...can't. I just can't."

She huffed in frustration and went back to looking for her own things. "How long have you two been dating? A year?"

"Almost ten months."

"Stop torturing the man and give him what he wants already."

You your lips, trying not to think about how strange you'd look in fancy lingerie. "He says he's willing to wait."

"He's willing, duh, but do you think he really wants to?" She stood back up, holding her finds in her arms and smiled. "Five new bras and ten new . That should keep my boo entertained for a few months." She skipped to the checkout counter, looking as if she had forgotten about you and your boyfriend.

You didn't mind.

"Hey honey, did you spend your money well?" Your friend's boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and wrapped his arm around your friend's waist.

As they cuddled, you were suddenly pulled to the side. You nearly lost your breath at the sight of your boyfriend. "How about you?" he asked as he pecked your lips. "Did you get anything?"

You shook your head but you couldn't miss the flash of disappointment on your boyfriend's face.

"Dude, thanks for picking me up," your friend's boyfriend patted your boyfriend on the back. "We're going to grab something to eat, all right?"

Your boyfriend nodded and laced his fingers between yours. "No problem. We'll head home then."

Your friend's boyfriend eyed the two of you. "Good plan. Make sure nobody gets pregnant. I'm inviting two of you to my party next week, not three," he said with a goofy laugh. "Have fun."

You smiled nervously and felt your boyfriend's hand squeeze yours as the two of you left. "Don't mind him," he said with a chuckle. "He's too excited about his girlfriend."

"I see," you replied hesitantly and the two of you walked through the parking lot to your boyfriend's car. Was your boyfriend ever excited about you?

-

You took a deep breath as you looking in the mirror. No matter how much you stared back at your own face, you couldn't ignore the dark marks on your arms and legs and nearly everywhere.

You turned to the new pile of summer clothes by your feet. How were you supposed to wear these without caking your body in makeup? Especially around your boyfriend... How were you supposed to dress around him during the summer? You knew how he felt about self harm but you were still scared.

 

What if he found it scary? Ugly? Disturbing?

You couldn't believe yourself. Ten months together and you still couldn't understand how he could love your body.

Because he couldn't, you thought. Not with all this.

You tossed a t-shirt over your head and then looked in the mirror. It looked nice but it didn't cover a thing. You didn't know how to hide the worst parts of yourself at all.

"Babe?" The door creaked open and you gasped. You weren't dressed at all! Wrapping your arms around yourself, you slumped into the pile of clothes on the ground, hoping they would cover your legs.

"Yes?" you replied meekly.

"Have you seen my phone?"

You kept your back to him, even as he wandered around the room. "Uh, I think it's in the kitchen." In truth, you had no idea where it was.

"I checked there already," he said with a sigh and you heard his footsteps approach you from behind. "Why are you sitting on the ground like that? Cold?"

You shook your head fiercely. "I'm just looking through my clothes." Hopefully, that would make him leave.

It didn't. "Summer clothes? Excited for the beach parties, I see," he teased and sat down beside you. His arm came around your shoulders and he kissed your jaw. "I'm excited to see you in summer clothes," he murmured.

You squirmed away, not brave enough to tell him that he might never see you in summer clothes. "Stop that."

He let go of your shoulders and, in your struggle, you tipped over. Great. You looked up at his eyes and saw the shock in them immediately. "Babe?" His eyes roamed from your arms to your bare thighs. You scolded yourself for not trying on a pair of pants.

You grabbed at the clothes by your side and held them in your lap to cover yourself. Tears pricked at your eyes and you stayed quiet, not trusting your voice enough to say anything.

Luckily, your boyfriend didn't need you to say anything. "Come here." He pulled you into his lap and laid the excess clothing to the side so the only thing covering you was one measly t-shirt. He your hair as you buried your face into the crook of his neck. "I hope they're not recent," he whispered.

"They're not." You sniffed and suddenly felt calmer as you breathed in his scent.

His fingers gently trailed along your arms and down your legs, causing you to shiver. "I didn't cause them, did I?" His voice was pained and you pulled back to look at his face. He looked more hurt than you felt.

You kissed him, trying to relieve him of the pain. How could he possibly think that he was the one hurting you? "You didn't, I promise. I-I stopped because of you," you stammered.

He kissed you back as if he was desperate for reassurance. "I can't imagine what you had to go through," he whispered when he pulled away for air. "But I think I love you even more now, if that's possible."

"What do you mean?" you asked through gasps as his lips wandered down your throat.

"You're strong, baby." His lips led your collarbone softly. "And I'm weak. I don't think I can live if you make me stop right now."  He picked up your hand and kissed one of the lighter scars.

"You're exaggerating," you said with a pleasant sigh when he kissed your lips again.

He chuckled softly as he tipped you back until you were laying on the ground. His body was pressed flush against yours and you could feel the little rumble in his chest as he spoke. "Just a little bit, babe. Just a little."

 

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i’m sorry i never saw this request earlier! that’s why i did it super fast ;A;
if anybody needs somebody to talk to, i’m here ^^ please keep yourselves safe; things get better, i promise!