~_____~

Much of his time was spent alone. Always out on the field, out for work and never home. It had been a long run, cooperating with the Military Intelligence and so much more complex work than he ever imagined. The entire team was a screw up, him included.

Lay hadn’t gone back to his apartment. Instead, he had thought to visit Chorong. The thought of relaxing alone just didn’t feel right. It just felt like he needed to be somewhere and not back at home. What did it matter if he got a night’s rest? Tomorrow he would be back at headquarters, meeting with Donghae and waiting for the rest of the results from the Crime Division. Unfair, though, that so many gray things were occurring but he couldn’t spend all his time saving someone else’s . He wasn’t that much of a hero.

Maybe he didn’t care enough for his teammates. Maybe that was why he prioritized work and success over everything. Cooperation with Victoria, obeying the team leader had been taught to him as norm. He had never disobeyed orders before…until coming across Donghae’s team – Suho, the biggest influence, who managed to still do things right.

He was…really amazing and Lay was…envious.

That guy cared about his team like they were his family. He wasn’t just someone who followed orders, but gave his own. Suho was his own superior. Lay had never thought of being his own superior before. He had always been someone else’s superior before becoming Victoria’s underling.

It had just been that way. Now things were irregular.

That was why Suho made him so angry with his secret assignment, work behind the entire team’s back. They were betrayers…but they were still a part of the team and Lay had let his feelings get into his work; that had never happened before. Suho had nearly died because of his unprofessionalism.

Then he thought he wanted to talk more with Suho, so he’d gone to the hospital. Suho would probably be staying with Namjoo overnight. Never before had Lay seen two partners care about each other so deeply. Donghae’s team was certainly unique.

The room was enveloped in darkness when he slid the door open. The TV screen was flashing and he spotted Namjoo sitting on the bed. She looked surprised to see him.

“Is Suho here?” he wondered.

“He’s gone out,” Namjoo replied then added, “probably home. What are you doing here?”

He looked her over before entering and sat down on the chair and stared at the screen. “What are you watching?”

“Just tending to my boredom,” she replied. “Have you been drinking? You should have brought me something.”

Lay surprisingly chuckled at this amused. “I guess I had one too many.” After a pause he asked, “How are you feeling?”

“I suppose I can’t say I’m feeling good.”

“You’re right,” he apologized.

“Something bothering you?” Namjoo wondered.

Lay seemed to struggle with himself for a few seconds then said, “I’m not sure how to say this…I guess…this job a lot more than I envisioned. Your team really leaves others speechless.”

Namjoo stared at him and slightly frowned, appalled and confused. Breathlessly laughing he wondered, himself, what the hell he was talking about. He felt just as bewildered as Namjoo. Perhaps drinking without eating was a very bad idea after all.

“I’m just questioning my ability to work,” Lay glanced down at his hands on his lap. “You see, in our entire career hierarchy rules everything. If someone is higher than you, you follow them without failure. You might as well lose your job if you violate orders. Going on the field is high risk itself, but it’s even greater risk if you decide to act alone – when you do, you don’t go down alone but bring the entire team with you. That’s why I look lowly on disobedience. I see it as a violation to the job you’ve contracted for and disrespect to your superior. If you’re going to act that way, why did you want the job in the first place? That was my mindset. When I look at your team, it sets everything I’ve known off balance. First of all, the team leader is too headstrong and impulsive. Then there are you and Suho who just seem…more in charge of yourselves than Donghae is of you. It’s not normal, but you all have the same goals and the dynamic between your team is uniquely familial. In the end, when you’re working apart you’re still working together.” There was a long pause then Lay admitted, “I’m envious.”

There it was, his admiration for their team.

He expected Namjoo to laugh but all she asked was, “You work a lot, don’t you?”

Raising his head he turned to glance at her. Suddenly he thought the women on his team were all so different from each other. There was this stoic semblance flowing off Namjoo that even when confined on a hospital bed, she seemed cold and unsmiling. Chorong was her polar opposite; smiling, charming, and always putting forth more than her best. Then Victoria was just exactly like Donghae; headstrong, stubborn, and vicious when in dire situation.

Averting from his gaze she played with the remote sitting beside her. “There’s nothing to admire. We’re all under the same organization, the government. In the end, we’re all the same. You shouldn’t think too much about work ethics, they’re not real anyway.”

What in the world did she mean by that?

“There will always be a gray line no matter how conflicted you get about work,” Namjoo shrugged. “It’s never an easy job out there, Lay. Don’t let minor things bother you.” There was a pause then she added, “Maybe Suho would have been a better listener.”

Lay firmly smiled in reply. “No, I’m glad I talked to you.” Standing he said, “I hope you feel better, so you can return to the team soon.”

“Good night, Lay,” she said signaling the end of their conversation.

When he slid the door close he honestly wasn’t sure what he really felt about himself. Was his job and the people around him really for him? Seeing those around him fall in danger at every corner was starting to become too much. Sometimes it felt like he was staring death in the eyes.

Maybe he really was thinking too much about too many minor things.

~_____~

A cozy bath had done it along with a glass of red wine. Victoria was all relaxed and prepared for a night of some television then she would go to sleep once her eyes started feeling heavy. She was sitting back on her couch in the laziest manner with foot up on her coffee table crossed at the ankles. Another fancy glass of red wine sat within the grip of her fingers. Just when the sitcom switched to commercials the doorbell rang. Getting up with a sigh she set down her glass of wine and started toward the door. There was only ever one person who stopped by. Usually he’d be here to irk her or keep his eyes on her, but considering that lately her relationship with Donghae was quite good she deducted that he wasn’t here tonight to get on her nerves.

And she was right.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to go for some drinks,” he said then smelling the scent of wine from her added, “but seems like you started without me.”

Victoria glanced back to the glass of wine on her table then opened the door for him. “Was planning an early night in, but since you’ve made your way out, come in.” When she closed the door after him she asked, “Do you want a glass? I have some beer, if you’d like.”

When she turned he had picked up the bottle of red wine to observe it. “I guess a glass is all right.”

After pouring him some wine and handing him the wine glass she plopped back down, sinking into her spot. “What’s going on this time? You don’t just don’t come out and ask for a drink.”

“What makes you say that?” he wondered.

“You’re a moody drinker,” Victoria noted. “You went into an alcoholic slump last time after your ordeal with Eunhyuk. Besides, you don’t really ask me out for drinks.”

“You’ve been keeping an eye on me?” he asked.

“You’re funny,” she stated without humor.

That very moment with Donghae sitting adjacent from her became suddenly ambiguous. Did he want to talk? Was something wrong? Why had he come?

“Not bad,” he commented after tasting the red wine.

“For longevity,” Victoria added.

“I don’t think I want to live that long,” Donghae said.

“Why not?” she wondered. “Being human is amazing. There’s a lot to do, a lot to see, and a lot to feel.”

“You like being greedy.”

Victoria snorted, “If I’m greedy, what are you? A saint?”

He shot her a stare that said she should already know the answer. “Just a government employee.”

Victoria made a face before taking a sip of her wine. Her attention was caught again when Donghae asked, “What do you plan to do after this case finishes?”

“Return to the SWAT team obviously,” she replied staring at him. Then shifting his direction she crossed her legs, “Why? Is this something about losing everybody after finally acknowledging us?”

She meant for her words to be a joke, but Donghae’s face held a forlorn expression. “So that’s what everybody wants to do, resume their previous lives.”

Narrowing her eyes she observed him for whatever other emotion that may be present. All she saw was a warping sensation of perplexion, but would he share anything with her? It had taken him a long time to finally share what he knew of Eunhyuk. She would bet all her money that this was something personal again, but it didn’t look like a threat toward work.

“Well, of course,” Victoria said, “what else would the rest do, if not return to their previous jobs? Just like there are a variety of problems in society, there is a variety of crimes that need the help of different expertise.”

“What would Tao do?” Donghae wondered.

Victoria’s mind honestly blanked. She didn’t know herself. What kind of life would a criminal offender want whe he returned to the public? Transitioning back into civil society wouldn’t be too difficult for him, but there was the case of jobs and a living to make. Victoria couldn’t see Tao in the light of a man whom would want a wife and children, but after what she’d seen of him she was proven wrong about him.

“What would he want to do?” she asked. “He might still be interested in staying to work with you. I mean, after all, you offered him the job.”

“It was a trade for freedom,” Donghae told. “It was what he had desired most at that time.”

Raising her brows she slowly nodded her head. Of course, freedom. Tao had been more than a whiny brat from first impression. He was an amateur, a person who gave no about the people around him but his own welfare. How had he changed so much in this short time?

“What would he like now?” Victoria asked. “I mean, he’s free to do whatever he would like after you sign him off.”

“He wants me to cuff him.”

Victoria felt like someone had just mentally shaken the entire room. So that was why Donghae had come. It was because he had nowhere else to go, no one else to talk to. She could imagine how he was feeling. After all he’d gone through already with almost losing his teammates the weight just had to keep piling up on his shoulders. Not just that, but he’d lost Eunyuk as well.

What kind of grief was this man going through?

“You don’t want him to go,” Victoria quietly stated. She could see that even though Donghae had kept a tight leash on Tao he had also come to genuinely care for him.

“He deserves a better life,” Donghae said, “and a second shot at everything he ever wanted.”

“That would depend on his own will,” Victoria said. “Difficulties are just like ghosts spinning around us, unseen and unknown. You can’t hold him back if he wants to go. He will either pull through by himself or he will go back to jail. You know well why he was there in the first place.” After a beat she added, “You can’t control his fate. The decision is his to make.”

Donghae deeply inhaled before running a hand over his face. Suddenly, she thought he looked very exhausted. Reaching over to take the wine glass from him she stood to signal that he would have to leave. She wanted him to rest before the chase would start again tomorrow. He had already gone through a lot of emotional turmoil.

“I want to sleep, so you should go,” she excused. When Donghae stood she quickly urged him toward the door. “Go rest. It’s probably going to be a long day tomorrow. It’s better if you sleep early tonight.”

“All right, gosh,” he mumbled as she literally pushed him out. “You have such heavy hands.” He turned around when he stumbled right out her door. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Nodding her farewell she closed the door.

~_____~

Donghae didn’t feel any better when he headed back home. He wanted control of so many things; the case at hand, capturing Eunhyuk and his twin, and of Tao’s life. He wasn’t in favor of anything that had turned out so far. The team’s injuries and most of all, their personal problems at work.

If Tao were to live a normal life after all this ended he honestly wanted him with Namjoo. Tao could give her a normal life and Donghae would lessen her workload in Military Intelligence. He would have to find a nice girl for Suho, someone pretty and gentle because he didn’t think Suho would have it easy if his wife was too outgoing.

That was the ideal Donghae had foreseen for them. Only it was what he wanted for them and so utterly different from what they wanted themselves. In the end, he had forgotten to ask what kind of life they dreamt of having, whether they wanted marriage or not. Suho, what kind of woman did he prefer? Exactly what kind of man did Namjoo like?

They had spent several years working closely together, but it suddenly felt like they were lightyears apart. What kind of big brother was he?

The light was on when he walked back into his home. He smelled food in the kitchen. Walking further inside brought him the surprise of seeing Tao setting dishes of food on the table, a sight he had never imagined seeing. Tao glanced at him and pursed his lips together. They were quiet for a moment. Soaking in the fact that Tao had prepared dinner for him sincerely touched a spot deep inside Donghae’s heart.

“You cooked?” Donghae asked with an effort to cheer up the atmosphere as well as his own trodden soul.

“I bought it from the restaurant down the street,” Tao informed.

Firmly smilng while gazing at the food approvingly Donghae nodded. “It looks good.”

They went quiet again. The atmosphere turned almost sullen and gloomy. It had been bothersome with a kid like Tao around, but his home had been the liveliest it had been since he’d come to live alone with just pictures to keep him company.

“I’ve decided,” Tao began and Donghae felt his heart rate speed up. Quickly mentally preparing himself for whatever decision Tao would make, Donghae told himself he wouldn’t object. He knew Victoria was right. Tao’s decision was his own to make. He couldn’t control him or anyone else for his own satisfaction, just because he had ideals for them. “I’ll stay.”

Donghae’s eyes immediately lit up with ever lasting hope. The relief was embarrassingly obvious in his expression that he nearly grinned.

As if awkward himself Tao added, “Anyway, Suho said I’m your secret weapon.”

“Thank you, Tao.” Donghae sincerely meant it from the very bottom of his heart.

“Then…I’m going to spend the night at Suho’s,” Tao quietly told. “I’m not sure if you ate earlier, so I just bought something for you in case you were hungry.”

“I didn’t see him on my way up,” Donghae said. “All right, go ahead.”

Tao brushed by and Donghae listened to the door close. As the silence clouded around him and his eyes closed in on the food he suddenly felt very lonely.

***we all come to question our jobs at some point and Lay is going through just that. I don't think we've had a LayJoo scene since a while haha

***Hurrah for Tao stays! and here Donghae sees the bigger picture to life, but it also makes him lonely :(