I like you, please go out with me.

Eight words. Eight words that costed me restless nights and extreme anxiety for almost a week now. I can still clearly remember how she said it—her soft whisper, her shy voice, her long, brown hair almost covering her face and tiny, pale hands fidgeting as she talked—and it pestered me more than I've presumed. I'm typically a person who just brushes off one confession after another, but why do I ended up having to give this particular one so much thought? Ah, yes, because she's the one who said it: my best friend.

[One new message]

From: Park Hyejeong

Jaebeom said you weren't at work today, again. You're not sick, are you? If you are, I can drop by and make you something? Or I can run errands for you? Please, reply back. The silence is killing me. I'll wait for your reply, okay?

This was the fourth message this day. Immediately after I read her message, I locked my phone, threw it lightly on my coffee table and let myself collapse on my bed. I rolled to my left, then to my right, then to my left again. I was starting to get annoyed with myself for being like this. I called in sick again, but I really wasn't. The boss gave me some work I can do from home, but it didn't occupy even half of my day. Her confession's taking a huge toll on me and she calls and texts me normally like I shouldn't bother about it and just shrug the issue off. I have to tell her. I have to tell her soon. I've done it before, I've done it a lot of times, so why on earth am I hesitating? Because she's different? Because I've known her longest? I scratched my head and buried my face on my pillows. This is getting more and more complicated each day, it's infuriating.

I met Hyejeong in advanced classes, we were in middle school—I was 13 and she was 12. I'm not that smart, nor was she, we were just a couple of kids who wanted to go attend a good high school so we decided to enroll ourselves in extra classes after school and on weekends. We were the only kids in our class that time that aimed for a prestigious high school and it was the reason we became close. We started to study together in the hopes that our combined effort would help the both of us get in to our first choice and it did, thankfully. We ended up going to the same high school and even had the same classes for two years. Hyejeong wasn't the talkative type, but she wasn't that shy either. She would gladly talk to you when you approach her because she's not one to initiate conversations. Hyejeong's not a head turner, she was just average, but once you get to know her—her personality—you'd get to see her turn prettier and prettier everyday you're with her. She loves cats, no, she adores them, but she couldn't keep one because her brother's allergic to them so she had the habit of visiting a cat cafe almost every weekend to see them and yes, I always tagged along. Her father's a businessman and her mom's a university professor. They live in a two-storey house with a pool in their backyard. So, I guess, you could say, she's a daughter from a well-off family. She doesn't dress up too much, but she wears heels because she's just five foot tall. She plays squash with her dad sometimes and she's good at it. I've always asked her why she didn't want to compete under the sport, but she always brush the idea off saying that being able to play was enough for her. She had two boyfriends in college, which were both short-lived. Now that I've given it some thought, she didn't actually mention who dumped who but I've also realized, she never really came to me to cry or ask for advice. We entered the same college, but in different programs. I was in mechanical engineering, she was in biology. College became so much busier making it impossible for the two of us to meet regularly. We stopped going to the cat cafe on weekends, but we go to occasional drink outs with our new set of friends from college. We graduated together and got a job in the city. I rented an apartment for myself while she bought a condominium unit. We've managed to still get in touch with each other through SNS, for unlike in college wherein you didn't have to mind paying your own bills, meeting each other was a hard subject to schedule. Even though we started to drift apart from each other because of our own jobs, she was still as important to me as she was the time we became best friends. 

"You alone again, pretty boy?"

The bartender, who I recall was named Franco, had always worked in this small bar near my apartment. He was half-American, tall, muscular, he was every girl's dream guy to cut it short and mind you, a lot of women here, of various ages, come here and flock just to see him. So even though he originally wanted to work in the bar part-time, the owner asked him to work full-time because he was an asset, which he ended up agreeing to guaranteed with a double pay. But, a lot of women who liked him failed to notice he wasn't really attracted to them, never will.

"Can you tell?" I smiled. I was downing two glasses of vodka cocktail all to myself by the bar counter. I have low tolerance for alcohol, so two glasses were enough to send me dancing in the middle of the dancefloor if there was one here.

Franco chuckled before reaching for some bottles of tequila underneath the counter and handing one to me. "Here, you don't need to drink it all and no, you need not sleep with me."

Yes. He likes guys.

"You know I can't take too much alcohol, these will do." I said, tapping the two glasses in front of me with my fingers with the last one half empty.

"I'm all ears." He said after grabbing a wooden stool from behind him and placing it across from where I sat. He rested his chin on his two hands, as if readying himself for a good storytelling.

I went to work the next day with a heavy migraine and an uncoordinated body. I have to turn in my weekly report and the structure design ideas I forgot to hand over last night through e-mail so I had to go to work whether I liked it or not. I visited the toilet more often than I should've throughout the day. I peed and vomitted until I cleared the alcohol out from my system. The boss didn't seem to mind I was hungover and my friends gladly helped me out with the pile of work I left since Friday last week so I've managed to get through the day. Some of my co-workers invited me for a drink after work since it was Friday night, but thinking about alcohol made my stomach hurl so I declined and more importantly, I had to meet Hyejeong tonight, I've decided that I want to give her an answer.

"It's not much, but make yourself at home." I said as I arranged the throw pillows lying messily on my sofa. It's the first time Hyejeong's been here and the first time I've ever brought a girl in. Never really had the chance to fool around with all the work and bills I had to worry about. You could see in her face she was genuinely happy being here. She was smiling as she looked around my apartment and criticized me for staying the same—dirty and lazy.

"I was starting to worry when you weren't answering any of my calls and messages, I'm glad you're fine now." She smiled.

She brought with her tangerines, kiwis and apples that she carefully arranged in my fruits basket. She had always been the health geek. And I loved the idea of her being able to remain that way. I can say at the very least, I still know a lot of things about her. 

"Hyejeong..." I softly called out with my head lowered down and hands balled into fists. 

"Hm?" She replied.

"I-I want to give you a proper answer." I shut my eyes.

Why did it have to be this hard? Why did it have to be Hyejeong? Why did I have to turn down my bestfriend? I've thought about it, a million times, and I figured I shouldn't leave her hanging. I shouldn't make her wait and get her hopes up. The least thing I would want is to hurt her that way. But who am I kidding? Even when I reject her, she'd still end up getting hurt, and the pain would be much worse. Why was I left with no option of not hurting her? Why did I have to make a choice that would let us drift farther from where we're at right now? 

"Okay." She calmly said.

I looked up and saw her shielding her face with her two hands. Hiding her face from me, hiding all the emotions she'd let out once she heard my answer. She had always done this. She was more concerned about me, she didn't want me to cry when she does, she didn't want me to feel sad or guilty when she gets hurt, Hyejeong had always done that. But this time, why did it hurt me so much? Why did it made me feel guilty already even if I haven't said anything? It's because I already knew, one way or another, she'd cry.

"I-I'm sorry."

I saw her shoulders fall and if she wasn't quick, she'd let her hands loose and fall the same. "Do you like somebody else?"

"No."

"Should I give up?"

I shut my eyes again. She doesn't understand or maybe she does but she's still lingering in the hopes of getting even a slight chance. But, I can't give her any, even if I wanted to, to at least lighten the pain. I can't force myself into thinking there's something I can offer more than friendship. I'd be lying to myself that way and I had to carry the burden every time I see her face, hoping. 

Hearing no response from me, she started to draw sharp breaths. She was already crying. I clenched my fists tighter. The more I stood there doing nothing, the more I get pained from hearing her cry. I bit my lip harder and shut my eyes eventually, trying my hardest not to cry, but I can't, I've hurt her, I've hurt my bestfriend.

A year has passed since then. Hyejeong and I were still in speaking terms although we try not to bring the issue back when we catch up or talk over a drink. She resigned from her previous job and got a new one far from where I lived so she moved out, sold her unit and bought a new one near her workplace. The distance made it easier for us to adjust and move on.

"Hey, so, I just moved in. My neighbors are scary, they look like they'd kill me if I made a noise or something. Haha. Just kidding. Anyway, how's it going over there?"

"My new boss is so hot! But he's taken, I courageously asked. Hehe. A lot of my co-workers really thought he was gay because he never took interest on any of his employees, turns out he was just a loyal fiance´. He even thanked me for asking him directly because a lot of his female employees keep on misunderstanding so he's glad I cleared out the rumors. What about you? Anything you can share from your work's rumor mill?"

"Jiro passed his qualifying exams for high school! :'( I cried a lot when he texted me, I had to excuse myself for the toilet for more than thirty minutes that made everybody suspicious. My mom thanked me, which made me cry more, for helping with his fees. I kinda struggled because, heh, you know me, I'm the worst impulsive buyer. But it feels good doing something like that. You're going to the dinner party for Jiro, yes?"

"Ooooh who's that girl in your picture? A girlfriend? She looks pretty! But I'm prettier. Hehehehe. We should really catch up soon! I miss seeing your potato face."

Talking on SNS was easier than meeting and talking in person. I wonder why it's uncomplicated that way, why it's more convenient for me to talk casually to her when I can't see her? Maybe it's because I can't see her face, what she's truly feeling behind the messages and it made me imagine how she felt behind those words according to my own liking, thus the convenience. I don't know when or how I started to realize how much I've grown to miss her and how happy I was just seeing a tweet from her, an update on Facebook or a message online. I try not to associate it with growing feelings or something even though Google said it might be the case. It's normal for me to miss my best friend, right?

"She got herself a cat." I said to myself, grinning. Hyejeong posted a photo of her and a fluffy white cat she bought herself. She was smiling happily in the picture and it seems as though she had lost some weight and even dyed her hair with a lighter color. It's the second photo she had posted this year even though it's already May. She's not the type of person who posts much, doesn't she?

"Congrats on getting a cat!" 

I immediately messaged her seeing she was already online. I put my phone down for a second, got up and went to the pantr