Reviews by Sweet Delights
My Wings of The World
[Story Title]: My Wings of The World
[Story Link]: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/22376/my-wings-of-the-world-eli-hyungjun-hyunjoong-jungmin-kyujong-ss501-youngsaeng
[Author]: ninaaziz
[Main Characters/Pairings]: SS501 & OC
[Rated]: Normal
[Reviewer]: ll0vex3_her @ Sweet Delights Request Shop
[Site]: http://sweet-delights-request-shop.blogspot.com/
[Story Link]: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/22376/my-wings-of-the-world-eli-hyungjun-hyunjoong-jungmin-kyujong-ss501-youngsaeng
[Author]: ninaaziz
[Main Characters/Pairings]: SS501 & OC
[Rated]: Normal
[Reviewer]: ll0vex3_her @ Sweet Delights Request Shop
[Site]: http://sweet-delights-request-shop.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
Nice title, I really love how you protrayed SS501. Haha, its cute and beautiful.
Poster(If there is one): 8/15
The poster is very cute! However, why isn't the OC in there? Its a story between SS501 and the OC, so you should place the girl inside the poster too, if not, it seems weird. Overall, I really like the cute-warm-loving mood of the poster!
Description: 6/10
Ok, the description is just like you wrote what you are going to write in your story. A description is not suppose to be like that. It basically summarise the whole story, adds on little touches here and there to create the suspension and attracts the attention of your readers. You could add in a little "How are they going to live together" blah blah blah. Afterall, do remember, SS501 is indeed a very famous idol group in Korea.
Forward: 6/10
The forward is nice, except is sounds to much like a preview for a next chapter. You understand me? But then, I like it. Although there are little mistakes here and there which I will correct at the further part of the review.
Character descriptions (only if have one): /10
None, don't worry, I won't count the marks in.
Plot: 33/45
I like how you written the story. Although there are quite a few stories about the idols living with a girl that is not a fan, such a story is quite an original to me, especially when you added in secrets about the OC's real identity and everything.
Writing: 20/40
Your flow is ok, however, its your grammer that's the problem. You doesn't know when to put commas and full stops, you can't decide whether when to use the past and present tense. All this causes your writing to be a bit worse but I'm sure its because you hasn't written for a long time. You have to re-read what you wrote so that you can more easily spot the mistakes and everything. Then you will understand where you got wrong and learn from the mistakes so that you won't make the same mistake again and again.
And you seems to love jumping from scenes to scenes which makes the readers very confused. Like one second ago she was happily talking to Jaejoong and SS501, the next second she answered a call. The problem is this, where are the others that was suppose to be beside her? And how did Eli suddenly popped up and brought her to somewhere else? You really need to explain everything in details, all this helps to pull your grades up.
And for chapter 9, why do you keep repeating the same scene?
Spelling/grammar: 19/25
Forward:
- And to her shocked
Correction : And to her shock/surprise
Explanation : I would recommand you to use the term 'surprise'
Explanation : I would recommand you to use the term 'surprise'
- They keep screaming for SS501 something like that
Correction : They kept screaming for SS501 or something like that
- My Korean is a bit rusty but I manage it
Correction : My Korean is a bit rusty, but I still managed to understand what they were screaming
Explanation : If I'm not wrong, you was trying to say this right? Because I don't understand what did the OC "managed it"?? And before the word but, please remember to place a ","
Explanation : If I'm not wrong, you was trying to say this right? Because I don't understand what did the OC "managed it"?? And before the word but, please remember to place a ","
- I too turn to see who are this ‘they’, the so-called SS501
Explanation : You too turn?? You don't "too" turn. "Too" is a word written as the last word of a sentence.
Correction : Out of my curiousity, I turned around, wanting to take a look at the so-called SS501
Correction : Out of my curiousity, I turned around, wanting to take a look at the so-called SS501
- I was so star struck with them, I didn’t realize when someone snatch my bag
Correction : I was so star struck by them that I didn't realise my bag was snatched
- I’m the poor girl lost in nowhere
Correction : I'm a poor girl lost in a country I never been before
Explanation : It is not "nowhere" since she is in Korea.
Explanation : It is not "nowhere" since she is in Korea.
- I scream
Correction : I screamed
Explanation : When it comes to writing, it is always using past tense, however, when there is dialoge, present tense should be used.
Explanation : When it comes to writing, it is always using past tense, however, when there is dialoge, present tense should be used.
As you can see, there are many spelling mistakes and wrong usage of past and present tense and your grammer is indeed worse. However, continue writing and I'm sure everything will be ok again. And do remember, the full spelling of 'ok' is 'okay', not 'okey'. If you re-read your whole story, you can see alot of mistakes here and there that can be avoided.
Chapter titles (only if have titles): 8/10
You do have chapter titles, which are really relevant to the story and I love how you wrote those titles to make them sound interesting yet at the same time not so obvious that at one look and the readers will immediately understand what your writing about. Good job and keep up with it!
Ending (only if completed): 13/20
Freak! I love die the ending!! It was like so touching and so warm!! And boy I simply love the interactions between Danny and Eli. Although not really what I expected. Since the story started with SS501 and Danny, I never though Danny would be with Eli in the end! They're like the cutest couple!!
You do have chapter titles, which are really relevant to the story and I love how you wrote those titles to make them sound interesting yet at the same time not so obvious that at one look and the readers will immediately understand what your writing about. Good job and keep up with it!
Ending (only if completed): 13/20
Freak! I love die the ending!! It was like so touching and so warm!! And boy I simply love the interactions between Danny and Eli. Although not really what I expected. Since the story started with SS501 and Danny, I never though Danny would be with Eli in the end! They're like the cutest couple!!
Rated scenes (only if rated): /10
Comments