I am heechul.

Searching. For things that do not exist.

Ends and beginnings-there are no such things.

There are only middles.

 

"I guess we'll have to face this sooner or later," Leetuek said. 

 

The topic had changed drastically, from the recent performance they had to their military service. 

 

I don't want to talk about it.

 

Enlistment. I want it to be least of my worries for now. I'll deal with it when it actually is the time.

 

I looked out of the window of my bedroom. The vast skies, a tiny twinkling. Not a star, but a helicopter.

 

My mind unconsciously wondered about it. Serving for the country.

 

I must go someday or another right?

 

But without me, what will happen to Super Junior? I silently thought.

 

The faces of each of the members flashed in my head.

 

Jung Su struggling with keeping the group together. It was the time when Kangin had the hit-and-run incident and Hangeng and his decision to leave. I often caught him crying to himself in his room late into the night.

 

Hangeng saying his goodbye with a determined face. I respect his decision. But it has destroyed part of the friendship and trust I had in him. I hope he is coping well with his solo career.

 

Jong Woon watching television in the dorm. This guy, he watches way too much television programmes it's starting to rot his brain.

 

Young Woon, the day he left. Is thinking and worrying about us as well?

 

Dong Hee angered. He doesn't think of the consequences before speaking. Aish. One day he'll regret it.

 

Sungmin dancing around the dorm. That soft, fragile exterior. Despite knowing his capability, I still worried he might be taken advantage on.

 

HyukJae being ridiculous while filming. He has his fun-loving side and sometimes a serious front but is he up for the challenge of the being leader and keeping the group together. It's a tough job. Especially with so many members.

 

Siwon helping pick up groceries an elderly woman had spilled on the floor. The boy, he's sometimes to kind. He might lose out.

 

Donghae, fooling around during one of our concerts. He was just like a kid. A childish dongsaeng.

 

Ryeowook crying. He's such a weak member. He cries at the smallest things. He also gets disheartened too easily. Once, a fan sent him a hate mail and he cried for 3 hours straight.

 

All of us performing, except Kibum. I, too respect the decision he has made to pursue another part of his career but it's been 1 year. The group needs him.

 

Kyuhyun sleeping on the cold marble floor. He's the maknae, the youngest. He was discriminated when he first entered. Jung Su refused to give him a proper bed. He worked hard, and eventually deserved it. Continue to strive Kyuhyun.

 

Zhoumi and Henry smiling when clearly their hearts ache. They have been ostracised, for years now. Most fans have slowly gone on to accepting them but not all.

 

I hope they'll be fine.

 

All of them.

 

Without me there.

 

Than I realized I was becoming an ajjumma and chuckled to myself.

 

I'm getting old, ain't I?

 

Ding Dong.

 

“Delivery for Park Jung Su and Kim Hee Chul sshi,” someone called from the door.

 

I came out from the kitchen to answer the door.

 

“Please sign here,” he passed me 2 huge envelopes and a pen and sheet to sign on.

 

“Thank you,” he took the sheet of paper I've signed certifying I've received the letter and I closed the door.

 

Notice of enlistment.

 

It was printed on the front in huge bold letters.

 

I slot the letter meant for Jung Su under his door and proceeded to rip open mine.

 

It showed several dates from which to choose from. Throughout the years, the variation of dates decreased. Ten. To seven. To five. To three.

 

“Heechul-ah”, he walked up to me looking at the letter I was holding.

 

“Notice of enlistment,” he mumbled to himself, “So, it's soon huh?”

 

“Manager, I've made up my mind.”

 

 

Bam bam bam!

 

“Heechul! Stop playing with your toy guns! It's so loud the ajjusshi next door just came to complain!” Umma called from the kitchen.

 

“Why? But I like guns, I want to be a soldier and do heroic acts,” I pouted to myself as I switched off my toy firearms and guns.

 

I was naive. But I want to see through those eyes again.

 

Ignorance is bliss. Isn't it?

 

Is it too much of a rush?

 

Well, I didn't prepare them; I kept it to myself.

 

I knew I would regret it.

 

1 Month.

 

“Heechul-ah,” the manager whispered, “It should be around time to tell them.

 

Super Junior, 13 of us, with Zhoumi and Henry and the manager, sat around the dining table in silence. It wasn't often that all of us were gathered together and ate dinner together. Some sensed something amiss, others just speculated.

 

Ryeowook bought out the last tray of food and settled into his seat next to Yesung.

 

“Heechul needs to announce something to all of you,” manager hyung spoke breaking the silence. Curiosity filled the air.

 

I'm leaving. For my enlistment.

 

Someone gasped.

 

“When?” Donghae asked.

 

Two weeks.

 

Comments, opinions, whispers heard. That's really fast.

 

“When are you announcing it to the public?” Sungmin beside me, spoke.

 

I don't know.

 

“The company should be announcing it soon,” Manager hyung answered coolly as if everything was already planned.

 

1 week. And my last performance on Inkigayo.

 

Saranghaeyo Kim Hee Chul. We will miss you Kim Hee Chul!

 

I couldn't help but break into a small smile. Yet my heart ached. I was going to miss them. Like how they'll miss me.

 

2 years. It wasn't that long. Neither was it short.

 

3 days.

 

Time to say goodbye; To my hair.

 

I sat by the waiting bench wondering how I'll look.

 

“Will you be okay?” Hongki tapped my shoulder disrupting my thoughts.

 

I nodded having nothing more to say.

 

“Hyung, you've changed after your decision,” he guided me over to the hair stylist.

 

I sat on the chair and the hair stylist adjusted it. I knew I've changed.

 

“What type of style would you like?” he asked, “Wait, you're big space star Kim Hee Chul right?”

 

I chuckled and nodded. Was I that famous?

 

“Shave please,” he took the shaver from his apron and plugged it into the socket beside the mirror in front of me. He pressed a button on the shaver and it roared to life.

 

Goodbye hair. I'll miss you.

 

Tomorrow's the day. 1 September; the day my life's going to change.

 

Today there were guests. Kibum and Kangin.

 

Ryeowook bought out the food, a huge plate.

 

Kimchi Fried rice.

 

I miss Hangeng.

 

It's been almost a year since he left; since I've eaten fried rice.

 

“You're enlisting next month? Have you told the rest?”

 

No. But I will, soon.

 

“You should inform them earlier, they'll need to be prepared.” He simply wasn't going to drop it so easily.

 

I'm really tired Hannie.

 

Okay, good night! Hwaiting.

 

His encouragement meant so much to me.

 

A tear welled up in my eye.

 

“Are you okay?” Henry asked, concerned.

 

I'm fine.

 

“Hyung, don't be like that! Your hair makes you look so cool!” Donghae gestured wildly, attempting to make me laugh.

 

“YAH!” Siwon mock punched him in the shoulder.

 

And it worked, I laughed. I didn't want them to be upset. This would be the last day to see them for a while.

 

For the entire dinner, the members carefully avoided the topic about enlistment.

 

Finally Kyuhyun piped up, “Hyung, we'll be sending you off tomorrow right? What time will you be leaving?”

 

It isn't necessary

 

“B-but we have to! Hyung...” Eunhyuk pleaded showing off his puppy eyes.

 

Please, I want to leave quietly.

 

It was the only way to stop them from pleading.

 

Yes, I was selfish. I didn't want them to see me cry.

 

It's the day.

 

I woke up early, 6am in the morning. I stepped into the shower and the warm water pelted against my back in a soothing manner.

 

The talk about firearms, weaponry, training. It seemed... tough.

 

“You'll be fine Heechul, it's not you I'm worried about. It's hyung. Hyung, he isn't as versatile as you. He wouldn't be able to adapt well to the army,” Kangin said as he place his arm over my shoulder and pulled me into one of his bear hugs.

 

The warmth. It was something I've missed.

 

“I've got to leave now. I need to return to camp tomorrow so I need to turn in soon. Hwaiting!” he said as he reluctantly pulled away.

 

The knock on the toilet door bought me back to the reality I was in.

 

“Hyung! When are you coming out! I need the toilet! The one outside is occupied by Kyuhyun and he refuses to come out!” Sungmin shouted.

 

I'll be out soon.

 

Why are you even up so early?

 

I sat around the table once again.

 

14 people, Kibum had stayed for the night.

 

Why are you all here?

 

“We want to bid you goodbye,” Shindong sniffed.

 

“Hyung! You look so neat in your uniform!” Yesung chimed.

 

“That's because I ironed it,” Ryeowook added as he bought out sandwiches for everyone.

 

Despite being early in the morning, the meal was noisy, as usual with the boys discussing their next performance.

 

I smiled but I knew I wouldn't be there to enjoy along with them.

 

I glanced at my wristwatch, 7.15am.

 

As much I want time to stop, it wouldn't.

 

I stood up and going towards my bulky duffel bag on the nearby couch.

 

Than, Jung Su reached his hand out as a signal. It was what we did before every performance. One by one each member place their hand atop another till the only one left was me. I glanced at their faces and placed my hand upon the last hand, Siwon's.

 

“Super Junior-” Jung Su started.

 

“Hwaiting!” we all cheered.

 

One by one, each member came forward and hugged me.

 

“Heechul,” the manager interrupted after all the members bade goodbye, it was time to leave.

 

I walked towards the door, the manager following beside me. I looked back and some fragile members started tearing, some their mouth a thin line as they resisted from crying.

 

Goodbyes don't mean forever.

 

 

I was at the entrance of Namsam training center.

 

Along with Jung Su.

 

Leetuek stepped forward at the last moment.

 

“I'm coming along,” he said firmly.

 

I obliged, in situations like this, nothing would change his mind.

 

All around, it was crowded with fans holding signboards of my name.

 

I will not cry.

 

I stepped out of the car. Waved to the fans as Leetuek waited for me in the car.

 

Some of them were crying, others shouting my name. I tried to comfort them. I would never forget them. They'll always be my pillar of support, the force that drives me forward. I will work hard, and in two years, be back. No matter if they've moved on from liking me, I'll still be there. Acknowledging them.

 

Thank You.

 

I re-entered the car, tears threatening to fall as I waved goodbye to my fans and the car drove into the gates of the military.

 

Soon, we got off again, the manager and even Jung Su. What I didn't realise that, is Jung Su was crying too. His eyes slightly pink. I carried my duffel bag and approached the entrance. I turned back feeling stares on my back.

 

We glanced at each other for a moment, I was trying not to look at his eyes, it would just make me feel saddened. But just then, our eyes locked and he walked up to me closing the gap between us with a hug.

 

"You'll always be a part if Super Junior," he mouthed beside my ear, his breath against my skin.

 

"Super Junior," tears flowed along the contours of my face.

 

I broke away and walked towards the training centre.

 

2 years. It's just 2 years.

 

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.   

 

Epilogue

 

It's weird... you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second... just so it can hurt a little more.

 

 

2 years flashed by, I stood at the entrance I had entered from 2 years ago, waiting.

 

There were some fan boards bearing a name; not mine but I still smiled.

 

A man stepped out from behind me, he embraced me.

 

His hair short, spiky and jet black, not something I was used to. The rough texture of the shirt, nostalgia. I felt his chest against mine, feeling the abs underneath his shirt. His arms were more muscular. His skin was a darker shade. He was different, yet so similar, the aura. The hug, it felt... the same.

 

Hyung, how are you?

 

I felt a wet spot on my shoulder.

Tu me manques. I miss you

A/N: hello :) haven't been updating due to my exams lately :) so I present a special :)) going to update within a few weeks as my exams are this friday!! Wish me luck. Btw, this fic is dedicated to my bestie being with me for 3 and soon to be 4 years! Also a tribute to big space star KIM HEECHUL. I totally love to write about him <3 Love ya. I'll be back *shuffles* OH!(hydroxide. I study too much...) And can you guess who's the person in the end?