My eyes fluttered open and I blinked several times to adjust my gaze. My whole body tensed and I bit my lip when I saw that someone was hovering over me, staring right into my eyes. “P-please don’t hurt me.” I stuttered out scared. I couldn’t see if it was Jonghyun or that other guy since my sight was blurry due to the fact that I’d been crying.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” his voice, I wanted to cry again. It felt as it was years since I last heard his voice. I wanted to say something but the words stuck in my throat and I could only feel how tears trickled down my cheeks. I watched how he moved away before I could hear how he dragged his body further away from me.

I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling while wondering how everything turned out like this. How different my life was now in difference from just a month ago. No one would probably believe me if I told them that I befriended an idol.

I slowly turned my head around to look at him; his gaze was directed forward, as if he was thinking about something. That familiar feeling of pain struck my chest and I carefully pushed myself into a sitting position. My head was pumping and I felt a bit dizzy. I narrowed my eyes at Jonghyun, but he didn’t seem to bother and continued to stare in front of him.

“I’m sorry.” I managed to utter as I stared at him, his facial features showed no signs of emotions, something that didn’t ease my pain. “You are sorry, why is that the only thing you can say.” He snapped and I jumped a bit startled by his sudden outburst. It was the first time he’d ever raised his voice at me. Not even when he told me that he didn’t want to see me were his tone this harsh.

“Then, what am I suppose to say?” I questioned him as I scooted closer towards where he was sitting. Did he want me to tell him what I felt? That I indeed loved him so much that whenever he weren’t around my heart hurt.

I flinched slightly when he turned his head in my direction and I came to a stop. I was just meters away from him when he suddenly asked me what he meant to me. Did he really want to know that, did he really want to know that he meant the word to me? Should I tell him that I fell in love with him weeks ago, long before my so-called relationship with Byung Hun even began?

He would probably just scoff at me; he would probably just think that I was some girl that changed boyfriends every other month. “Do you really want to know?” I wondered as I pierced my eyes into his. If I told him, there was no turning back. He nodded his head once and I took a deep breath, probably the deepest I’ve ever taken in my whole life.

My gaze shifted away from his.

“I love you.” once those three words left my tongue I felt pathetic, he must’ve heard that thousands of times before from countless of girls, his fans. There was a moment of silence and I cursed for myself. Why did I have to be so stupid, why did I have to say that. Without hesitating, without thinking I hastily scrambled to my feet’s and darted out of there. I couldn’t stand to get humiliated by the one and only boy I’d ever loved.

My heart was beating so fast that it felt like it was going to burst any second. After I’d run out of the school I was meet by complete darkness, it had turned into night. How long had I’d been out, and what happened to that other guy.

I shook my head bewildered as I plunged into someone. I excused myself as nicely as possible despite that my head was spinning like a carousel. I was in a state that made me feel insane. Love was driving me insane.

The world around me speeded up; people were running past me, sometimes bumping into me, though I couldn’t feel anything. It was as if I’d turned invisible. No one looked at me, everyone just rushed past. No one cared about anyone else, only about themselves and satisfying their needs. And I was no exception. I wanted Jonghyun, but I couldn’t have him.

Why is it that the things you can’t have make you crave for them even more?

I snapped out of my trance and made my way forward, deeper into the crowd of people. Were their lives also as miserable as mine? Maybe they also craved for something they couldn’t have.

My phone suddenly began to ring and with a swift motion I swept it up and pressed it against my ear. Much to my stupidity I didn’t look at the ID of the caller before answering. “Yeon Ah, where are you? You need to come and help me with the restaurant.” It was my mother and she seemed rather stressed out.

“I’m on my way.” I lied; to be honest I weren’t on my way home. I didn’t know where I was going, just somewhere. Anywhere else but home was fine.  I didn’t want to face my brother right now, because those words that he uttered a few days ago were still imprinted in my mind. That I could never get someone like Jonghyun, he was an idol, and I wasn’t.

I weren’t dumb, I already knew that. But hope, wasn’t that the thing that were last to leave a person. As long as I believed in love then nothing was impossible. But where does the line go, from strong love to pure pain.

Half an hour later I was back home, I couldn’t deny my mother’s need of help. Because I knew that I would feel guilty later on, for making her work double as hard just because I wouldn’t be there to help. So after that I’d slipped myself out of my uniform and put on some clothes I entered the restaurant and immediately began to help out with the cashier and serving the food to the costumers.

Once in a while Jonghyun would enter my thoughts, I couldn’t hide that I was scared over what he was going to think about me from now on. Would he avoid me like earlier, or would he accept the fact that I loved him. Either how, I knew that he wouldn’t return the love I felt for him.

But as long as he didn’t turn his back at me I would be grateful. He was the only friend I have – had. Even that I didn’t know anymore. Did he even see me as a friend?