Review for Party Cafe (by MeHeartsTeddy)
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Fanfic Title: Party Cafe
Description: This is no ordinary cafe. Why you ask? Because this cafe has a stage!And is usually opened till midnight 12.30. The workers have to perform on stage. There's usually 2 performances each day. And by votes from the customers, they will have to perform what most customers want. There's dancing, , singing and also modelling! So Ma'am and SIr, what do you want? Coffee, tea, or a performance?
Description: This is no ordinary cafe. Why you ask? Because this cafe has a stage!And is usually opened till midnight 12.30. The workers have to perform on stage. There's usually 2 performances each day. And by votes from the customers, they will have to perform what most customers want. There's dancing, , singing and also modelling! So Ma'am and SIr, what do you want? Coffee, tea, or a performance?
Entertainment level: 60%
Reviewer: _Mirotic
Reviewer: _Mirotic
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Title- 3/5
I gave points because of its uniqueness. Truthfully speaking, I’ve never seen a title like this. I deducted points because it doesn’t draw me in. When I think party, I think drinks and large crowd of people. Honestly, I thought that while reading your story, Idol Café would have made a lot more sense because of the performers. You have 2NE1 and DBSK in one café which means increase in fame right? This is only a thought.
Graphics/Posters- 3/5
The poster was cute though I thought that it didn’t exactly match the title. There’s no background.
Foreword/Description- 7/10
You had some grammar mistakes and I noticed some very awkward sentences.
“Because this party café has a stage! And is usually opened till midnight 12.30!”
It should be…
“Because this café has an idol-worthy (optional wording) stage and is opened till midnight!”
First of all, when I typed this on Microsoft Soft, both of the ‘sentence’ were considered fragments and had a green squiggly thingy underneath it. But when I reworded it, it ended up not being a fragment. Please proofread before submitting. Trust me, I learned from experiences.
Another one:
“There’s dancing, rapping, singing, and also modelling!” In this case, ‘modeling’ is spelt wrong.
“…Ma’am and Sir…” They don’t have to be capitalized since they’re in the middle of a sentence and there’s no noun such as Sir Nyancat or something of that sort.
This sentence is awkward to me:
“Yep, workers here perform too! But wait! Workers here are talented in the terms of singing and dancing, or even modelling! So you will never regret watching them.”
Try saying this out loud a couple of times. Sentences are supposed to flow off your tongue, not in choppy lines. It’s unnecessary to repeat the lines over and over again.
“Yep, workers here are talented in areas of singing, dancing, and even modeling!”
See how shortening and rewording it makes it more flow-y?
Another thing that really boggled my mind was the character profiles. Usually when authors’ put profiles onto their foreword, they usually cannot fully develop the characters’ personality throughout the story. A short prologue in place of the profiles would have been nice though. This would give readers a taste of what to expect. It also will show your writing style which is essential. Points added because of the neatness. /le gives you thumbs up
Originality- 8/10
Because this is the first time I have encountered this type of story, 8 points to you!
Plot- 14/20
As I said, points for creativity. But I wasn’t really drawn into the story as deep as I would like to be. You’ve scratched the surface but didn’t dig deep enough. I get it that DBSK is running out of money and that Party Café is awesome with all the performers, but you tell and not show. In one chapter, I find that most of the chapter consists of dialogues with characters interacting with one another but I don’t see enough action! You have to describe what the characters are doing so that I, the reader, am able to understand what’s going on and also so that I can visualize the scene happening.
“The young girl said and continued clearing up the place.”
Now try imagining this. It’s very vague and you can’t get a clear image. What is she doing to clear the place up? Is she using a bulldozer? How about a dinosaur? Now if you had added more detail to that sentence…
“The young girl replied while wiping the table with a damp cloth. She grabbed a hold of the chair’s back handle and flipped it over so that it came in contact with the tabletop perfectly.”
Detail is key!
Grammar/Spelling-20/30
The first thing I noticed was the amount of Korean words you include. You have a lot of ‘unnie’ added in. On chapter 4, ‘mianhe’ is spelt incorrectly and I believe that it’s spelt ‘mianhae’.
Based on your writing, I’m assuming that you use AFF to type. That is a very bad idea. I recommend that you type on Microsoft Word and then copy and paste it onto AFF. When typing directly onto AFF, it doesn’t show the words you spelled incorrectly. But when you type on Microsoft Word, it shows you the incorrect vocabularies, fragments, run on sentences, etc.
One more thing is your past and present tenses. From what I’ve read, you’re writing in past tense but every now and then, a present tensed word would pop out.
Flow-7/10
Neatness-4/5
Extra- 2/5
Thank god you are one of those authors that don’t change the font color or sizes every few sentence or so. Kudos to you.
If you don’t agree with this score, then you are free to request again at this shop or any other review shops. I was only speaking from my honest and true thoughts.
Total: 68 points
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Trolol. Was this too long? e__o Anyway, here you go noona! <3 I hope we weren't too harsh and sorry if we were! Thank you for requesting from us and we hope to review a story from you soon! Don't forget to credit the reviewer and the shop, <3
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