Review for Boredom - game for two (by dolphinqueenKya)
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Fanfic Title: Boredom - game for two
Description: What can I tell you about love? Is it a good thing? -You can't know, because we don't know what's good. Is it a bad thing? -Neither, otherwise we wouldn't feel love. Is it funny? - You cry. Sad? You laugh. Then tell me what it it! Love my dear,...at least it isn't boring.
Entertainment level: 55%
Reviewer: Chocostars
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Title – 4/5
The title was really unique and had a mysterious feel to it. It lured me in and aroused curiosity in me to see what the story was about. It’s not cliché and overused either! Good job on it!
Graphics / Posters – 3.5/5
The poster fit in with the title; it had a mysterious tint to it. The person on the right’s (I think it’s Eunhyuk? I’m not too familiar with Super Junior, sorry) picture could have been better. It looks like it was too small but had to be enlarged to fit in. The uneven, smooth blends on Donghae (I think?) and Eunhyuk (?) didn’t look too good either.
As for the background, I don’t really like “people” backgrounds. They often turn the story a bit “messy” for me. I prefer patterns, solid color, or a faded in poster type of backgrounds.
Forewords/ Description – 3/5
Honestly, the description of the story was cliché and didn’t really give me a real “desire” to rush in and read the story. The quotes were missing quotation marks so I wasn’t sure if it would be a direct quote from the story or if it’s just something made up. Also, whereas the bolded and then italicized Georgia font is a pretty style, it does not have the same elegant effect if it’s overused. I suggest using that style for a header or a headline, but as the text for the forewords, make it plainer. Also, I don’t suggest bolded and italicized fonts (other than Georgia) because it just looks sloppy. In addition if you want to do the left right left right pattern for the forewords then make the first line “‘What can you tell me about love? Is it a good thing?’” in one line. You can make it one line by changing it to:
“What can you tell me about love…is it a good thing?”
Using ellipses in this case makes it sound more dramatic, as if the person is hesitating and is questioning the definition of love.
You didn’t have anything in the forewords but I highly suggest you do. You can add a brief description on the characters so readers know who the cast are, or at least add credits. Your poster was made by another person right? I think it would be nice to give him/her some credit. Even if he/she says it’s alright, you don’t have to, it’s nice to promote them for their poster they took time making for you. If he/she doesn’t want credit then that’s a different story.
Originality – 3/5
The fanfic is a bit cliché but the backgrounds make it unique and special. I has a good flavor to it that makes this different from other Super Junior fanfics.
Plot – 20/25
The plot was pretty entertaining and arouses curiosity. It has its own climatic moments and its fair share of deadline moments but overall, it keeps running on a good pace and is, like said above, a unique story. I love the Sungmin and Eunhyuk friendship moments ♥
Grammar + Spelling – 10/35
I’m a grammar nitpick when I read fanfics so beware of this section because I can turn pretty nasty.
I clicked to the first chapter and the first line already had my toes curling:
“Hyukjae went off his car.” → I’m pretty sure you mean he originally was in the car and not on top so it should be “Hyukjae went out of his car.” If you say he went off it means he was sitting on the hood of the car (or something like that) and he hopped off of it.
Important days should be capitalized. “New Years Eve” should all be capitalized because it marks a special event.
You need to watch out for the extra use of punctuation and for the order of words.
“Everyone, famous actors and singers and politicians from all over the world, had already a glass with champagne in their hands, music was playing not to silent and not to loud.”
Change it to: “Everyone, famous celebrities and politicians from all over the world, already had a glass filled with champagne in their hands. Music was playing neither too silent nor too loud.”
“The thunders of the camera lightning began.” → You made this a metaphor but it doesn’t fit well. I see where you’re trying to hint at but I need to remind you, thunder is noise and it cannot be seen. Lightning can be seen but then it would sound repetitive if you use that. Instead, play with the words a bit and don’t be afraid to extend the sentence. Imagery can be built up on. You can change it something like: “The rapid flashing from the camera lightning traced his every movement as he walked out. It was as if he was walking into an ocean of fire; sparks filled his vision every second.”
Overall, your word choice is simple. You don’t go too fancy with vocabulary making it a more casual and friendly type of story. Also, you try to add in imagery that sometimes throws the tone of the story off. Imagery is good, but from the tone and the way you write, save it for the main scenes.
You also had the usual case of run-on sentences and fragments. It’s a common thing to do when writing so keep an eye out for it.
“Your ways to cute” → “You are too cute”
At times you also use unnecessary words.
“The most people around him were older.” → “Most people around him were older.”
To add on, you used wrong tenses of words that made the sentence sound weird. Grammar mistakes are spotted evidently all over the chapters so I suggest you to reread them and revise.
Flow – 7/10
The flow of the story is pretty well, although the grammar mistakes and wrong usage of words make it hard to concentrate at times. The plot is interesting and unique which makes readers want to keep reading.
Neatness – 4/5
The style and format of the story was kept tidy and neat, and thank goodness for that. I always hate it when I read a fanfic and there are about three different fonts in one chapter. Also, I love the GIFs at the end of the chapter ♥
GIFs are always a good way to leave a smile on the reader’s face
Extra – 4/5
I’ll be honest with you: I don’t read . So, picking me as the reviewer was already a bad choice. Sorry, I have nothing wrong with pairings, it’s just that I normally don’t read them. But in this story I really liked how Eunhyuk is the rich “prince” because I normally don’t see that side of him. He seems like the funny boy next door but this fanfic did a good job of describing the rich society.
And I just have to love Sungmin, the sweet friend/boy ♥
Total – 58.5/100
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I wouldn’t say that this was a terrible fanfic but it definitely wasn’t the best either. I think the biggest problem you have is with the grammar and wrong word choices. In the beginning, the mistakes weren’t as noticeable but as the chapters went on, it got worse. I suggest rechecking your grammar and typos before posting. I want to say thank you for requesting and we hope to review a story from you soon ^^ Don't forget to credit the reviewer and the shop.
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