“Ugh, I can’t believe you actually had me touching you for absolutely no reason, Yi Fan. I swear that I will get you back for this. You won’t know when, and you won’t know where, and when you least expect it – BAM! – you’ll regret it.”

Running up and hugging Tao from behind, Kris tries his best to act cute and innocent. “But Panda Bear~, it wasn’t that bad.”

“Wasn’t that bad!?” Tao shrieks. “Were we not experiencing the same thing!? I was just trying to be the sweet guy that helped his somewhat handicapped boyfriend pee since he was having trouble doing it himself, but all he does is stand there and… gets hard. HARD, YI FAN. HARD!”

“TaoRis! TaoRis! TaoRis!”

“Lu Han!” Tao shouts as he shakes himself out of Kris’s grasp so he can chase Lu Han. The older man, anticipating that from Kris instead, isn’t prepared when Tao practically lunges at him. If his reaction speed was just a tad bit better, he might have avoided him, but he wasn’t, quickly falling to the ground as Tao latches onto him.

Clawing at Lu Han’s arms and hands to get the phone, Tao sits on Lu Han after he gets it, shooting a death glare in his direction as he holds the phone up to his ear. “ParkChaningYeol!” Tao shouts into the phone in one quick breath, “Is there a reason you always have to do that!?”

When Chan Yeol finally answers, his voice is quiet and he sounds slightly scared. “Well… I called t-to make fun of Y-Yi Fan hyung be-because of the video Yi Xing hyung s-sent us.”

“Video?”

“Aegyo,” Chan Yeol answers, trying to keep his answers short and avoid stuttering again.

“Aegyo?”

“Bbuing bbuing. In front. Bathroom. Last night.”

“Ah, yes. The aegyo in front of the bathroom. I remember that well,” Tao says, moving his death glare from Lu Han to Kris. “I remember that very well. Here’s Lu Han.” Giving the phone back to Lu Han, Tao quickly stands back up. Passing by Kris on the way to the kitchen, he makes sure to hit the taller man’s crotch. “That wasn’t my revenge. I was just heading to the kitchen to get some food and my hand slipped. It slipped just like this,” he says, swinging his hand again and hitting Kris where it hurts to demonstrate.

“Dammit! Do that again and –“

“And he’ll make you kiss it all better!”

“Park Chan Yeol! Lu Han, why do you keep putting that asshat on speaker?” Kris asks, turning to Lu Han only to find he isn’t there. After putting Chan Yeol back on speaker, Lu Han ran and hid in his room.

“Yi Fan hyung! If Peach doesn’t kiss it better, maybe you can throw some aegyo his way again! Can’t you just imagine how much fun that would be? ‘Bbuing bbuing~ Panda, can you kiss my peepee – you’d have to say peepee because he’s so innocent – all better?’”

Stomping over to Lu Han’s abandoned phone, Tao lifts his foot and stomps on it, silencing it for good. Kris and him could hear Lu Han screaming from behind his closed door. “Wu Yi Fan! Huang Zi Tao! If you just did what I think you just did, I’ll make both of you regret it!”

Making his way to Lu Han’s bedroom door, Kris gets on his knees and slides the pieces of the has-been phone under the door. “You should’ve known better today, ge. Panda’s on a warpath.”

------------

“I’m serious, Se Hun! They just stomped on my poor phone!” After Tao left the dorm for a few minutes, claiming he needed a cake fix to avoid murdering everybody, Lu Han wasted no time in running from his room to steal the younger man’s phone before once again barricading himself into his room. “Seriously, he’s going insane today. All he did was touch Yi Fan down there. He’s acting like he was forced to do more or something. Don’t you hear him out there!?” Lu Han asks, pulling the phone away from his ear and holding it up in the air, facing his door. When Tao got home and found out he stole his phone, he started banging on his door, yelling at him to give it back. Bringing the phone to his ear again, he continues, “He’s been at that for almost an hour, Se Hun. An hour. I swear I’ve never been scared of Zi Tao before, but wow. He’s seriously in a bad mood. And I can’t even sneak out through the window because his other half is practically guarding it. When we’re done talking, make sure to thank Chan Yeol’s stupid for this.”

“I have to go. Min Seok is at my window. I’ll call you later. Hugs,” Lu Han says before ending the call and walking over to the window, unlocking and opening it when he’s convinced it’s safe. “What are you doing here?” he whispers to Xiu Min.

He holds up a plate of food, smiling. “I have a feeling you’ll be trapped in here for a while, so I brought you something to eat.” After Lu Han takes the plate adorned with all kinds of snacks, Xiu Min reaches down and takes a bottle off of the ground, handing it to the prisoner. “In case you have to pee.”

Putting the plate down on his bed, he reaches through the window and wraps his arms around Xiu Min’s neck, hugging him. “Thanks, Min Seok. And even though Yi Fan is mad at me too, thank him for letting you give me this.”

Nodding, Xiu Min leaves, briefly talking to Kris before he heads back inside. Closing his window, Lu Han can hear Kris yell a “you’re welcome” in his direction.

Locking his window again, he plops himself down on his bed and tosses a tiny piece of celery into his mouth, rolling it around in his mouth to make sure it doesn’t taste funny. Convinced that nobody tampered with it before giving it to him, he leans against the wall, eating to cure his boredom.

------------

Tired from pounding on Lu Han’s door for so long, Tao decides to just sit on the floor with his back against the door, waiting patiently. If there’s one thing Wushu has taught him, it’s patience.

“Bbuing bbuing~. I have to pee. Zi Tao~, can you help me?” Lu Han taunts from behind the barricaded door.

Not wanting Lu Han to know he’s gone, he quietly sneaks off to see Kris. When he sees him, he taps him on the shoulder, making the older man jump. “Panda? Damn, you scared me. Get bored pounding on his door?”

Shaking his head, Tao lets him know he’s just taking a little break. Looking down and playing with the hem of his shirt, he asks Kris in a meek voice, “Um… duizhang~. Since you’re leader, you’re like the boss right?”

“Eh, that’s hard to answer. I’m the leader, but Min Seok is the oldest. You should ask him that first.”

“Gah. Fine,” Tao answers, stomping off to find Xiu Min, finding him busy in the kitchen. “Hyungnim~?”

“Wow, hyungnim? You must really want something.” Turning around, Xiu Min wipes his hands on his shirt. “What do you need, Peach?”

“Well~, Yi Fan ge says to ask you since you’re the oldest~. Who has more authority here? You or duizhang?”

Suspiciously eyeing the younger boy, Xiu Min asks him why he wants to know.

“Just curious.”

“I see. Then in that case, I do.”

“Really~?”

“Yes.”

Sulking off to guard Lu Han’s door again, Tao mentally kicks himself for not being born first.

------------

After hours of sitting there with nothing happening, Tao finally admits defeat. He stands up and yells at Lu Han through the door so he can hear. “Gege! You win. If you just let me have my phone, I’ll forget about today.”

“No! I don’t believe you!”

“If you won’t believe that, I’ll have no choice but to post pictures of you on Weibo.”

“… Pictures? What pictures?”

“You’ll find out after I post them. I’ll just tell you now that one of them has you in the bathroom.”

“… Liar. You're bluffing.”

“Do you really wanna test that theory out?” He can hear Lu Han mutter something from behind the door. “What did you say, gege?”

“I said no, I don’t want to test it out.”

“Then give me back my phone.”

“And you promise you won’t do anything to me if I do?”

“I promise.”

“No pictures?”

“No pictures.”

“No Wushu practice on me?”

“No Wushu.”

“… … You really promise?”

“Yes.”

Tao can hear things being scooted across the floor. It takes longer than he would’ve liked, but Lu Han finally peeks through the door. “Really really promise?”

Holding his hand out for his phone, he promises again. When Lu Han shoots him a disbelieving look, he holds up his other hand, pinky extended. “Here, I’ll even pinky promise.”

Rushing to get his hand out and hook pinkies with Tao, he smashes his hand into the frame of the door. “! ing holy ! A splinter! Hurts so much! This must be what death feels like!”

Preoccupied with his pain, he drops Tao’s phone, the younger man quickly picking it up with a grin on his face. Running off to find Kris, he repeatedly shouts “justice” on the way.

------------

Kris and Tao are busy cuddling on the couch when Lu Han walks in twenty minutes later, gently placing a Band-Aid over the spot where he just took the splinter from.

“Since you got your phone back, and I got blessed with a splinter from Hell, where are these pictures you threatened me with?”

Turning around to face Lu Han, a smirk on his face, Tao shakes his phone in the air. The expression on Lu Han’s face quickly turns into a defeated one. “You mean I could’ve just deleted the damn things myself?”

Tao nods, a grin on his face as he turns back around to snuggle up against Kris. “It’s a good thing you didn’t look through my phone when you had it.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________

A/N: Another shortish chapter. I'm feeling a lot better. Only a slight cough now. So I think I'll soon be back to updating daily! Knock on wood.

Title was inspired by this song. Had it on replay all day. I don't have many English songs I listen to anymore, and I'm not usually a fan of songs that have cuss words in them, but I can't turn this off. I think the Justin Bieber line at 1:09 is what got me hooked. If you watch it and don't laugh at that line, you're nuts. Lol.

@ShaZam - In my head, he washed his hands afterwards. Lol. I blame lack of...detail on my failing health that day. xD  I just wanted to get an update out there, sick or not. :]
@shimhaneul - All of SM's money went to Exo's MVs, and after all of that, I swear all of their focus has been on SNSD. Other artists get so neglected in that company. 3
@VitaminBuns - I was about to fill you in on the airport thing, then remember I already left you a comment about it. Lol. If you're late in getting Exo news, just follow a buttload of Exo Tumblr blogs. I swear once something happens, everybody knows. xD
We somewhat got Chanyeol's reaction to Kris's aegyo? Haha. I'll have to make sure to get the rest in there soon. I failed at traumatizing Tao some more though. T_T  Unless Chanyeol's peepee kissing talk is enough. Ha!
@starkey - That didn't really occur to me. I hope nobody was offended by the tiny Koreans comment! D;  I'd hope anybody who's read my story this far would know that's what Kris likes to call them when he's mad at them. Lol. Author Joey loves you too~ Reader Starkey. <33
@yEnZErr - Yay! You laughed a lot then! That makes me happy.
@deathangeL_se7en - Thank you. ^_^
@fluffcloud - When I want a somewhat serious chapter, I like to put a little more thought into it.
@ember_pcy - Haha, yeah, I love that Chanyeol is like...the biggest Exo OTP lover.
@Reekitty - So many hearts! Thank you. <333

Hope you all enjoyed this update!

I still have my next story idea in my head.
I want to start writing it but, 1) I feel like I'd lose focus on this, and 2) It's so good in my head that I'm afraid it would look so much worse once it's written out. Haha.