I was sitting on the rooftop of the f(x) dorm again, just randomly strumming my guitar- doing everything I could to think of anything or anyone other than the only person who seemed to have occupied my mind these past few weeks. Nothing was helping though- he was always there.

The forced separation I created, made me realize just how much I missed him- we had been friends for too long; been one another’s’ sounding boards too often for me to not miss him. Whenever something came up- a funny joke heard on the radio, or something cool I saw while surfing on the internet… or honestly, just anything or everything that happened to me- he had always been one of, if not the first person I used to call and tell.

But with the realization that it wasn’t just a best friend sort of friendship I felt for him, but more… it was too much for me to handle. How could I honestly expect something to come of these feelings? Pabo, pabo, pabo! I shook my head at the stupidity of falling in love… in love with not only a much-adored and famous idol, but my best friend.

I sighed at the ache in my chest.

All I needed was more time to come to terms with this one-sided love I felt for him- It would never happen; could never work- he was loved by millions… while I was no one in comparison. I would never admit it, but I wasn’t blind to how some people perceived me. They always assumed I was a man, or if they knew I was a woman, they assumed that I liked girls- but as my family and friends always reminded me- as long as I knew myself and held true to that, I would survive, and so I have.

But one couldn’t expect to always be able to put on a smile while crying inside, wanting to be like everyone else. It’s one of the reasons I never bothered with the idea of love- I had worked unbelievably hard to build my self-esteem and self-confidence to where it was; but now with love staring me down- I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle a rejection, lose my best friend and ultimately, have it break me completely.

I wanted my best friend back- I needed him in my life. Don’t lose your best friend over your silly emotions, pabo… don’t lose him. I shivered at the thought of losing him. I put my guitar down on the ground, laid back on the bench and closed my eyes- trying to let the late-day sun, warm me and my saddened heart.

Love him like your best friend… your older brother… a sunbae. He’s not the one for you, Amber… let those types of love lead you back to him; get rid of any romantic notions you have and remain happily by him as his best friend.

I sighed and could feel it getting colder as the day turned into night. “You just need to get over him and go back to being friends…” I said out loud and sighed again.

“And why do you need to do that?” someone asked.

I froze at the sound of the voice.

I shook my head and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “Please tell me I’m hearing things,” I whispered, my eyes still closed.

The laugh I heard told me I wasn’t hearing things.

“Amber-ah… have you been hiding up on the roof these past two weeks?” Donghae softly asked, and I felt him brush my bangs out of my eyes.

I made a face at the question and I heard him laugh again. “Don’t lie and say you haven’t been hiding, because I know for a fact you have. The question is… why have you been hiding? And… who do you need to get over? Do I need to go kick someone’s for hurting my dongsaeng?”

I sat up and opened my eyes to see him holding his fists out as if ready to punch someone. I could only laugh at the sight of my usually calm but goofy oppa smirking at me.

He sat down next to me; patted his shoulder and waited for me to rest my head as I’ve done many times before. We sat in comfortable silence… it made me realize that with the forced isolation from Minho, it caused me to stay away from a lot of my friends as well. Feeling hopeless, I sighed again.

Donghae patted my head and said, “Amber-ah, if you sigh once more, I’m not going to give you your present.

I sat up and looked at him. “Present? What present? And why?” I asked suspiciously.

He only laughed at me and stuck out his tongue.

“If I give it to you, are you going to tell me why you’ve been hiding these past few weeks?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “And if I don’t tell you?”

He raised an eyebrow back at me and said, “Then no ice cream.”

“Oppa!” I yelled. “Gimme!”

He laughed again, and after three minutes of continuous teasing, I finally made the promise to tell him why I had been hiding. I figured I might as well tell him since as an oppa and as a man, maybe he could give me advice from a man’s point of view- it couldn’t hurt right?

Donghae took out two plastic spoons and the carton of ice cream out of the brown paper bag he had put down on the ground between us and handed me one. We were almost finished with the ice cream when he patted my head again and asked, “K, Amber… now tell me why you’ve been hiding from Minho?”

I nearly spit out the mouthful of ice cream I had just spooned myself, when I heard that. I quickly swallowed and turned to him. “What do you mean hiding from Minho?”

“Amber… whenever I couldn’t find you, if I looked for Minho, there’d you be… whenever we talked, you always mentioned at least one story that had something to do with him… you know I work out four times a week, and always try to come work out at least once or twice with me- yet, I haven’t seen you in weeks… but I’ve noticed Minho coming all the time these days. Did something happen between you two?”

I sighed for two reasons- one: Donghae was the second non-f(x) member to mention how often they had seen or knew that Minho and I spent a lot of time together... two: I never noticed that we did spend as much time together as we did- it wasn’t something I would have thought to keep track of. I never expected people to be observant enough to notice or care how I spent my time, or whom I spent time with.

“I-I haven’t been avoiding Minho,” I said, trying to not blush.

“Ani, Amber-ah… you forget I’m your oppa. I know when you’re trying to lie. Tell me.”

I sighed and after getting him to promise me to keep everything a secret, I told him everything that had happened in the last two weeks, including my conversations with Hyoyeon unnie, and the f(x) members. He stayed quiet the whole time, except to nod or gesture to me to continue with my story.

“So you ran away after a kiss with your best friend… and haven’t talked to him in two weeks, because you’re trying to get rid of the one-sided love you feel for him?”

I just nodded.

“Am… how do you know it’s one-sided? You haven’t given Minho a chance to explain anything that happened that day- who knows? Maybe he’s wanted to kiss you for a long time, and took advantage of the situation? I hear from Key that Minho’s been a silent, brooding grouch since the MV shoot. What if you’re the cause of that?”

“Oppa… what if it’s just because he’s missing his best friend, and not because he’s missing a potential… girlfriend? You know what I mean?”

“I guess I could see what you mean… but then… you’re just going to pretend you don’t love him that way and continue being his best friend? Take it from me and personal experiences… getting rid of romantic feelings are hard to do, especially for people you’re close to.”

I took a deep breath and decided to just put it all out on the table and tell Donghae everything I was feeling. “Oppa… you know me, right?” He nodded his head. “I love who I am- I can’t help that I feel more comfortable in jeans and chucks than dresses and stilettos. I prefer my hair short… I prefer hanging out with the guys because the ones I hang out with don’t care how I act- but with some girls, I feel like I have to act a certain way or look a certain way.”

“I guess my point in this babbling is that… well… I know what I look like- and I know what most boys look for when they’re looking at girls. They look for girls who look like the other f(x) members, oppa… not someone like me.”

I hadn’t known I was crying until I felt him wipe a tear away. “Amber… not all men are like that. Some of us may find the girls like the other f(x) girls attractive, but to fall in love with them is a different story. Some men just want someone with similar interests, someone confident in themselves, and capable of loving them for all their faults too. As we grow older, we get smarter- most of us anyways,” Donghae said and it made me laugh.

“But oppa… let’s say he likes me. I already know that I wouldn’t be able to help but think it’s only because he had seen me dressed like Julie… I’m not Julie- I’m Amber.”

He hugged me and wiped a tear again. “I’m sorry you’re feeling sad Amber, and I can’t tell you what to do or think, but in my honest opinion? You have to at least hear what he has to say to you. You know that, right?”

I looked up at him and nodded. “I guess you’re right.”

“Be it good or bad, you two have a great friendship. But if you continue to ignore the situation…”

“Ne oppa… it could just make things worse.” He nodded. “I promise to talk to him… and listen to what he says. But I’m not going to bring up the being in love with him… because if he’s just going to explain why he did what he did, or apologize… then I’ll just have to keep working harder at getting rid of those feelings for him.” I smiled at him.

“That’s all you can hope to do at this point, dongsaeng,” he said smiling back at me, and handing me my guitar. “Now, since I’ve done a good job as oppa and even brought you ice cream… play that song you were playing earlier, and I’ll go home.”

“That wasn’t a song oppa… well not one that’s completed. When I finish it, I’ll let you hear it. But I can play another one for you, k?

“You better,” he said and ruffled my hair. 

[A/N So I know there was NO Minber interaction in this chapter. But I felt that this chapter needed to be done for two reasons- 1- to show Ambers feelings/thoughts... 2- to help move the story on to the next chapter. I will make it up to you for the lack of Minber, I promise. I tried putting myself in Amber's situation (in this story) and maybe it's because I'm sick... or just slightly depressed over personal things... but I know this chapter was sorta sad. I never planned on writing an angsty story, but I guess it turned out a little that way. But I do promise a happy ending... Just look forward to what happens between now and then. And I think there may be only a handful of chapter left til its completed, but I hope everyone's been enjoying and will anticipate what will come. Secondly, thank you so much for the well-wishes... I am getting better, and should be back to tip-top shape within a few days. Alright, enough from me. <3]

@vip_love ~ Sorry for no Minber moment... but hopefully the next few chapters will make up for it. ^^ Thank you for the kind words. Glad to hear you're enjoying it ^^

@Aika0330 ~ She'd make an awesome unnie, huh? :)

@CassidyIsHere ~ Thank you for the compliment. I had originally planned Key to be where Donghae was in this chapter, but reconsidered it because of the plans I have for the storyline... hope you're not too disappointed.

@Am8eRL1U ~ I read somewhere that Amber really liked Linkin Park- so thought I'd throw that tidbit in ^^ I really loved Minho's POV... if I ever meet a man like that.. *sighs* lol <3 for the well-wishes

@rubyroo ~ Always glad to hear my story is helping make your day. Have an awesome on, k? <3 for the well-wishes

@YuuYuu ~ Contradicting and second-guessing... usual actions when it comes to the game of love.. you gotta hate it, but love it all at the same time

@ErrICCA_sjh ~ I had that planned... hopefully it came out as per Donghae's help in this chapter :) <3 for the well-wishes

@ch1k3r ~ As I wrote in my A/N... I put myself in her shoes.. and hope that how I wrote out her feelings, etc came out alright- I would hope that if I really was in her shoes, I'd be as cool/collected as she is in RL and in my story (minus the second-guessing when it comes to first love, cause I think everyone's messed up on what to do when it comes to first loves. You gotta just love and respect her for staying true to who she is <3 for the well-wishes

@LuvLeeLi ~ Welcome.. I hope you've enjoyed what you've read so far. <3 for the well-wishes

@blindstar ~ I'm not forcing myself.. I truly love writing, and Minber. I enjoy doing this.. and I'm doing better, :) <3 for the well-wishes