I watched as my thumb glided over Yongjae’s tiny fingers. His hand was wrapped around my index finger, holding onto it while he was sleeping on my bed. I was curled up beside him, watching over him and letting his soft snores silence the endless thoughts in my mind.

Today’s my first day back here in Seoul. This was supposed to be my last day in Jeonju. I was also supposed to leave Jeonju with deep longing and regret deep inside me. Instead, I took with me my worry for Wheein with a million questions accompanying that, all revolving around the last thing that happened right before I left Jeonju.

It was unsettling and was giving me a hard time sleeping. The little guy right beside me helped me calm down though. He’s the only thing that calms me down now.

I raised his small hand to my lips and repeatedly kissed it. Then I breathed deeply as I moved closer to Yongjae. I pushed my face to him and snuggled my nose on his cheek. I closed my eyes and let his baby scent surround me and then just stayed in that position right beside Yongjae.

A soft knock on my door disturbed the peacefulness inside my bedroom. I glanced at the door and saw Eric slowly pushing the door open. I closed my eyes again and went back to my position, hearing a deep sigh from him.

The moment we arrived in my apartment yesterday, he helped me with my suitcase and the bag of toys for Yongjae while I held Yongjae close to me. I thanked him and told him that I wanted to be alone for a while first. He wanted to talk before leaving me with Yongjae yesterday but I insisted on being alone to think.

I just need to process everything that happened yesterday. I just need a moment with me, my thoughts, and my feelings alone. I just needed a moment to grasp and get a hold of the happenings yesterday. I just need a moment for reality to hit me.

Even with all the time I had yesterday, it wasn’t enough. I just had more questions, which I needed answers from him and Wheein. I told him that I’m ready to talk to him today.

I opened my eyes when I felt the bed shift. I saw Eric bending down to kiss Yongjae’s cheek. Then he grabbed a chair and placed it right by the bedside table, across from where I’m lying. He sat down and stared at me and Yongjae as he sighed heavily.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly.

I kissed Yongjae’s cheek and forehead before I slowly sat up, careful not to wake him up. I leaned back on the headboard without letting go of his hand. I caressed my thumb over his hand again, watching my finger move over his tiny fingers.

“So it’s true? What Wheein said yesterday? Were they all true?”

“I don’t know about her side but yeah… I’m sorry” he whispered, running his fingers through his hair before he leaned his elbows on his knees and buried his face on his hands. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled.

“You didn’t just sleep with Miyoung. You slept with other women as well.” I glanced at him when I didn’t hear a response from him this time and saw him nodding his head behind his hands. “Hmm…” I sighed heavily as I brushed back my hair and tucked some strands behind my ear.

“Are you mad at me?”

“How long?” I asked instead of answering his question. “How long have you been sleeping with other women?”

“Yongsun…” he whispered, frowning at me and silently begging me if he could just not answer my question.

“How long?” I asked him again.

He ran his fingers through his hair again before he leaned back on his chair, slouching on it. He stared at Yongjae before he whispered, “Five years ago”

My eyebrows twitched before I averted his gaze and stared at Yongjae as well.

“It wasn’t what I wanted to do. I swear…”

“But you managed to do it for the majority that you and I were together. For the majority that you are in a relationship with me”

“I was drunk and I didn’t realize I slept with anyone. It just happened. I only knew about it when I woke up with a hangover the next day and realized that someone else was sleeping beside me. I promised…”

“Yet it kept happening again”

“Yongsun…”

I instantly moved to Yongjae and patted his side when he shifted after Eric raised his voice a little bit. We could move to the living room but I don’t want to leave Yongjae by himself. I don’t want to be alone by myself as well. My son has become my strength. I could put myself together knowing that he’s right here with me.

“Who else knew about this?” I asked him when Yongjae finally stopped moving.

“Henry. I was always with him when we went out to drink” he answered.

“How did Wheein know?” I asked him and saw him shaking his head.

“I don’t know. I have no idea how she knew”

Why didn’t she tell me? We were friends that time before I knew she had feelings for me and before I fell in love with her. The latter part is currently in question as well but I’ll deal with that later. I’ll deal with Eric first.

“Is that the reason why you rarely stay here with me at night? Is that the reason why we never moved in together despite being in a relationship for a long time? Because you always go out with Henry to drink with him and then sleep with someone else? Were the roses and the special dinner dates you take me to something you even wanted to do? Or were they because you felt guilty for sleeping with a woman that wasn’t me?” I asked, my breathing becoming heavier as I tried not to let my emotions get ahead of myself.

I breathed deeply and wrapped my hand around Yongjae’s small hand, grounding myself to him so I wouldn’t get myself lost against my anger. I looked at Eric and saw him covering his face with his hands again, his shoulders shaking from his silent cries.

I looked away and stared at Yongjae. I don’t want his cries to affect the truth that he betrayed me. All the years that I was genuinely happy with him and stayed loyal to him, he was out there sleeping with others behind my back.

God… I felt so pathetic. I felt so stupid. Now, I’m mad at myself.

“Answer me”

“I’m sorry…” he whispered, his voice breaking from his cries.

“That’s not an answer, Eric. My questions could never be answered with an apology. Answer every single one of them” I whispered between clenched teeth.

I heard him sniffing and saw him wiping his tears through my peripheral vision while still staring at Yongjae. God… I’m not just a loose woman anymore. I’m a pathetic woman who’s been a fool for a long time. I’m sure there’s more that I can add to that.

Eric sniffed once again before he breathed deeply. “We didn’t move in together because I promised you a house. I didn’t stay the night because you never invited me over…”

“So it’s my fault now?”

“No…” he said as he shook his head vigorously, his eyes on the floor now. “No… I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just answering your question honestly.” He gulped hard before he breathed deeply, his cries quieting down now. “The roses and dinner dates… I admit, some of them were because I felt really guilty of sleeping with someone else. I would always put so much effort into it to make up for my mistake. But most of them were done because I really wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to go out with you. I love you, Yongsun. I will always love you”

“But you cheated on me several times and never changed to be a better person”

“That’s why I proposed to you. I’m so mad at myself for doing it to you. I wanted to become better and I really did. I stopped going out with Henry. I have lost contact with him. I stopped drinking and sleeping with someone else, but then Miyoung came. If Wheein didn’t pay her, this wouldn’t have happened”

“If Wheein didn’t pay her, I wouldn’t have known that you cheated on me. If we didn’t meet her in Jeonju, I wouldn’t know that you slept with other people for a long time already” I corrected him.

“Are you defending her?”

“I’m not. I’m simply stating an obvious fact, Eric” I said, staring at him intently while he frowned at me.

“You still love her after she broke our relationship?” he asked in disbelief.

“She was right when she said that it was already broken when you decided to cheat on me”

“Yongsun…”

“You managed to fool me for five years. Five years, Eric”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Why are you asking a question with an obvious answer?” I said between clenched teeth, unintentionally raising my voice a little bit and holding onto Yongjae’s hand tightly. I breathed deeply to calm myself down and went back to caressing my thumb on Yongjae’s hand.

I leaned back on the headboard and closed my eyes, feeling so bad about myself and getting mad at myself. “How did you do it, Eric?” I whispered softly while my tears started falling down my cheeks. “How could you just kiss me and kiss someone else as well? How could you just make love to me and have with someone else so easily? How could you say that you love me when you never stayed true to your words? What did I do to deserve something like that?”

“I’m sorry, Yongsun. I’m so sorry…” he whispered defeatedly, unable to say anything else.

“Did you hide something else from me when we were still in a relationship? Did you sleep with someone else as well the second time we got engaged?” I whispered, forcing myself to stop crying as I wiped the tears on my cheeks and glanced at him.

“No” he answered right away as he shook his head vigorously, his eyes on me and silently begging me to forgive him. “I never planned to tell you because I don’t want to lose you. I never did it again. I promise. I took your second chance to heart and never made my mistakes again. I’m really sorry”

“You’re just as selfish as you accused Wheein of. You’re just an opportunist as you accused her of. You should’ve thought of what you did before you accused her of anything” I whispered softly as I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, suddenly exhausted of everything. “I don’t know if I wanted you around my son after what you did”

“What about Yongjae’s birthday party this weekend? I planned everything already. I already lost you. I don’t want to lose him as well. Please…” he whispered softly.

I glanced at him and saw him silently crying again as he looked at me and Yongjae. He knelt on the floor and reached for Yongjae’s other hand. He kissed it repeatedly before he held his tiny hand with both of his and looked at me.

“I wasn’t a good boyfriend. I know that and I regretted everything I did wrong to you. I would always apologize for everything I did wrong. But let me be a good father to Yongjae. Let me see him. I already accepted we can’t be together but let me be a good friend to you too. At least for Yongjae’s sake.” He pushed his tear-stained face on Yongjae’s small hand as he whispered, “I can’t live without talking to you and Yongjae. I can’t live without seeing my son. Please Yongsun…”

“You shouldn’t have cheated on me”

“I know. I know. I know,” he mumbled repeatedly. “Please let me. I’m begging you, Yongsun. Please let me. I’ll do whatever you asked of me. I’ll do whatever to see Yongjae again. Just let me see him. Let me be a good father to him” he whispered desperately while his hold on Yongjae’s hand woke up our son.

Eric pulled back but didn’t let go of Yongjae’s hand. He sniffed back his tears and quickly wiped them before he forced a smile at Yongjae. I tried putting Yongjae back to sleep but he just got grumpy and started whining softly.

Yongjae pulled his hand away from my hold and saw Eric crying right beside him. He stopped whining and went to pat his hand father’s head, making Eric cry even more. “Ewik… Boo boo…” he mumbled before he turned to his side and kissed his father’s nose. Then he smiled at him while Eric tried his best not to cry anymore but failed at it.

Yongjae turned around and saw me looking at him. “Yum…” he complained to me, which means he wanted to eat already.

“Why don’t you feed Yongjae?” I whispered to Eric and saw him looking at me in disbelief. I sighed heavily as I rubbed a hand on the side of my face, feeling so stressed right now. “I’ll think about us getting friends for the sake of Yongjae. I don’t know how I could ever forgive you but I’ll let you be Yongjae’s father”

“Thank you…”

“But” I said, cutting him right away. “We never added your name as his father in his birth certificate and I’m not planning to change that. Maybe not until you proved yourself as a good father to him. I’m keeping my family name as Yongjae’s family name. I’m not going to change that ever. Just promise to be a good father to him. Never betray him like what you did to me”

“I will. I agree. I’ll do anything just to be a part of his life. Thank you”

“Go feed him” I whispered while he nodded right away and picked up Yongjae from the bed.

He lifted Yongjae in his arms and repeatedly kissed Yongjae’s cheek and whispered affections to Yongjae. Then he started walking out of my bedroom while hugging Yongjae tightly, afraid to let go of him.

“Eric”

He stopped by the door and turned around to face me. He wiped the tears on his face with the back of his hand while Yongjae played with his hair. “Yeah?”

“I invited Hyejin and Byul for Yongjae’s birthday”

“Yeah… That’s okay”

“I invited Wheein as well”

“I… Well…”

“Whee…” Yongjae mumbled and clapped his hands upon hearing Wheein’s name.

“Yeah… Of course. She could come. Do you still want to pursue her? She’s already dating, right?”

“No. I just want to talk to her. I’ve already accepted that we couldn’t be together. I’m still questioning myself about that as well.” I nodded at him and motioned for him to go already. “Thank you. You should go feed Yongjae or else he’d get really grumpy”

“Okay… Thank you again” he said, slightly bowing at me before he moved out of my bedroom.

I slid down on the bed and hugged one of Yongjae’s pillows. I closed my eyes, sighing heavily as I curled up on the bed. What did I ever do to deserve all the pain I’ve been going through right now? My ex fiancé cheated on me several times. I almost even married him without knowing what he did to me. Can I still forgive him even for the sake of our son? I couldn’t have the person that I love. She doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore. Do I even still love her after what she did?

Why are things just getting worse?

Yongjae was in my arms and Eric was standing beside me while Yongkeey was on my other side. There were lit candles sitting on top of a cake in front of us. All our guests were surrounding us, clapping their hands as they sang happy birthday to Yongjae.

The little guy in my arms was a little bit shy with all the people looking at us but he was clapping his hands nonetheless. He looked so unsure of what was happening, making us laugh at him. He glanced at me while I smiled and nodded my head at him, telling him that everything’s okay and that he has nothing to be nervous about. He pouted at me while I laughed at him again and kissed his pouting lips.

“Okay… Blow your candles now, Yongjae” Eric said beside me.

I still haven't figured out about forgiving him. I know there’s no way I could love him again after knowing that. That area is something unforgivable for me. All the genuine love I felt to him before we broke up just went away. I don’t know if I still wanted him to be my friend too but he’s been a really good father to Yongjae since I allowed him to be in Yongjae’s life. I’m afraid he might slip up and that he’s only being a good father to Yongjae in the beginning. That he might get tired later on but he’s been consistently active as a very good father to Yongjae so far.

I kissed Yongjae’s cheek and slightly bent down so he’d be near the candles. “Blow, Yongjae” I whispered to him. Then I formed a perfect circle using my lips and blew air, teaching him how to do it. However, he thought that I was asking for a kiss from him so he leaned forward and kissed my lips, making me smile at him.

“No… Not kiss. No”<