Everyone’s in a rush and running around me. Probably a hundred people had already stopped by my room to greet and congratulate me as well. They also passed by Yongjae to pinch and kiss his cheeks. He hated it. Irene and Chorong were popping in and out of my room too to check in with the wedding planner to make sure that everything’s all set.

I’m just sitting in front of the vanity mirror with a group of people doing my hair and makeup. Yongjae was sitting quietly on my lap, watching his Mommy through the mirror in front of us while he chewed on his rubber puppy. That puppy was still from the set of rubber animals Wheein bought for Yongjae.

The hundred people that got here to greet me had also asked me if I was excited and I said yes. I said that I’m nervous too and they told me that it’s just the usual wedding jitters I’d feel before the ceremony. When they got out though, I’d sigh heavily and my hair and makeup team would think that it was because of nervousness. It wasn’t though. It was a heavy sigh of relief because they weren’t able to detect the lie in my answers.

I’m not excited and I don’t know why. I’m nervous though. I’m nervous to finally move in with Eric. I’m nervous about finally getting married to him. I’m supposed to be excited and happy for this day, right? But why am I dreading the end of this day? The part where I’d finally commit myself to be his wife. I’m one second from backing out but I don’t even know why I wanted out. I’m still trying to figure out why I’m backing out.

My makeup was already done and the hair stylist was almost done with my hair too. I’ll be changing out of my bathrobe once she’s done fixing my hair. The cute little boy on my lap was already done changing with the help from his Auntie Chorong and Irene. He looked so cute in sleeked black hair and his suit that matched Eric’s. He’s just wearing a bowtie while Eric would be wearing a necktie.

I glanced through the mirror when the door pushed open just as the hairstylist was done with my hair. My Mom walked inside my room with a huge smile on her face, making me smile at her.

She walked towards me and Yongjae and placed a hand on my shoulder as she looked at me through my reflection. “How are you feeling?” she asked just like what the others had been asking me for the past couple of hours.

“Nervous” I said just like how I answered the guests who came in to check on me.

“That’s good. That’s normal. Just breathe and calm down and you’ll be fine for later”

“Thanks, Mom. Is Yonghee here already?” I asked her.

My older sister couldn’t get an earlier flight to attend my wedding. She managed to get a flight on the day of the wedding itself hours before the start of the wedding. She had already landed by now and I’m expecting her to be here anytime soon.

“She’s almost here. Don’t worry.” She squeezed my shoulder and smiled at me, reassuring me. “I have to go and greet Eric’s family. I wasn’t able to greet them when they got here”

The Nams arrived here in Korea late last night. Eric and I greeted them at the airport and drove them to the hotel that we’re currently staying at. He has two younger brothers and he's the oldest in contrast to me being the youngest in our family.

“Okay” I said as I nodded at her.

She moved closer to me and softly patted Yongjae’s head. “How are you, Yongjae?”

“Okay…” my son mumbled before he chewed his puppy again, making me smile at him as I kissed the top of his head. I bet he only copied his Mommy’s words when he answered Mom’s question.

Mom smiled at him and kissed his cheek. I tried my best not to laugh out loud when Yongjae’s face scrunched up and not so subtly pulled away from my Mom. He received so many kisses from people who are strangers to him. He hated being annoyed by the people he didn’t know that much today already. Luckily, Mom didn’t notice it and just went ahead and reached his cheek for a kiss.

She stood up behind me again and squeezed my shoulder. “I’m happy for you, Yongsun. I’m glad that Eric and you are finally getting married. I’m proud of you for that” she said, smiling so wide at me while I forced a smile in return.

She leaned down and air-kissed my cheek so she wouldn’t ruin my makeup. “I’ll see you later” she said while I could only nod at her. Then she walked out of my room, greeting the prep team I was with as she walked past them.

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily as I pulled Yongjae close to me and kissed his head. Then I lifted Yongjae in my arms and turned towards the team of people who prepped me. “Is it okay if you leave me alone for a minute? I just wanted to be with my son for now. I’ll let Irene and Chorong call for you if I’ll be changing into my gown. Or I’ll just let my friends help me later”

“You can just call us, mam,” the head stylist said as she nodded at me. “We’ll just come back here an hour before the start of the ceremony”

“How many hours left?”

She glanced at her watch before she said, “Two and a half”

“Okay. Thank you”

“No problem, mam”

They went to turn off the lights in the vanity mirror and arranged their things back to their bags. I walked towards the bed and sat down on it, leaning back on the headboard. I placed Yongjae on my lap, propped my chin on top of his head, and closed my eyes as I sighed heavily. I could still definitely feel my heart beating so loud in my chest.

I’m proud of you for that.

My mother’s words rang in my head since she walked out of the room. I was waiting for the time to hear that from her. When I finally did, I didn’t feel any better at all. I didn’t feel proud of myself. I just felt bad. I felt worse. I felt so small and vulnerable. I didn’t expect that the day of not wanting to hear that from my mother would come.

I don’t even know why marrying someone like Eric is something she’d be proud of. Was it because Eric is rich? Was it because Eric has the money to spend for this wedding? Was it because he’s the father of my son? What if I married someone else that’s not the father of my son and someone who’s not as rich as Eric? Would she still be proud of me?

I graduated with flying colors in university. Instead of saying that she was proud of me, she congratulated me and said that I could’ve done better like my older sister who went abroad to further study. I’m living independently and I have a job that could sustain myself. She’s still not proud of me because she thinks that my apartment is cheap and that I’m just a minimum wage worker on a very common desk job. When I had Yongjae, she scolded me for losing Eric and having a baby without his father. It even put a pressure on me to the point that I thought of causing a miscarriage to lose Yongjae.

Wheein would have to take all the credit for why I have my cute baby boy with me now. She was the one that stopped and knocked some sense in me. Her presence was even the reason why I had the courage to keep Yongjae with me. Without her, I’d be lost.

Is that the reason I felt so lost right now?

“Mommy…” Yongjae whined at me.

I immediately pulled my head away from his. I pressed a soft kiss on his head and turned him around so he’d be facing me. “I’m sorry, baby. Was Mommy’s head heavy?” I asked him.

He ignored my question and said, “Down… Down…”

“Kiss Mommy on the cheek first.” I pointed at my cheek and said, “Kiss.” I smiled when I felt his tiny lips on my cheek before I lifted him off the bed.

I placed him down on the floor and held one of his hands. I just followed him when he started walking around the hotel room while waving his rubber puppy around. He walked towards the door and pointed at it as he looked at me. I think he figured out that through the door was how people got in and out of the room.

“Do you want to go out?” I asked him.

“Out…” he whispered, copying me.

I frowned at him as I shook my head. “We can’t go out, Yongjae. I’m sorry. Let’s just stay here, okay?” I pointed behind us where a floor-to-ceiling glass window was located. “Look! Let’s just go over there, okay? We can see the sky from there, little guy”

He turned around and stared at the window. Then he started walking towards it, curious about what’s in there while I sighed in relief. When we reached the window, I pulled the curtains to the side so we could see the garden area of the hotel, which is where the wedding ceremony would take place.

“Sit… Lap…” Yongjae mumbled next as he patted his own lap.

The only chairs I could find were right on the other side of the room. I don’t want to leave Yongjae by himself just to grab the chair. I don’t think he’d want to be carried as well. And I’m honestly too tired to move. The ceremony hadn’t started yet but I’m already tired.

I decided to just sit down on the floor instead before I crossed my legs in front of me. Then I pulled Yongjae and sat him on my lap. I wrapped my arms around his waist while he leaned back on me, mumbling things to his rubber puppy like he’s talking with it. I kissed the top of his head before I stared out at the people by the garden.

Everyone seemed so excited for this wedding. I even spotted my mother talking happily with Eric’s parents in one area in the garden. Everyone’s all smiles while talking with each other. I could even see them laughing from where Yongjae and I were sitting. If I’d be there with them, I’d feel how vibrant and excited the mood of this day was. But I’m up here, looking like a damsel in distress.

I spent sleepless nights thinking over the idea of getting married to Eric. This was my dream before. We’ve been dating for six years and when he finally proposed to me, I cried out of pure joy. I don’t feel that anymore. Marrying him felt like the right thing to do but it doesn’t feel right to me anymore. The most frustrating part is I couldn’t figure out why.

I glanced behind me when I heard a knock on the door. I turned back to the window and stared out in the garden again when I saw Chorong and Irene coming inside my room. I was relieved when I heard them locking the door. I didn’t want anyone else with me in the room right now except for them and my older sister, who is still not here.

“How’s everything?” I asked them.

I never heard a response from them. Instead, they walked towards me and Yongjae and sat down on the floor in their dresses on either side of me. I glanced at them and saw them looking at me worriedly.

“What?”

“How’s everything up here?” Irene asked.

“We’re fine. Yongjae wanted to sit by the windows so that’s what we’re doing now”

“Why aren’t you dressed yet?” Irene asked again.

“I just wanted to be alone for a while. There were a lot of people sneaking in my room to greet me and annoy Yongjae. It was tiring for both of us. I needed time to breathe and just be alone”

Chorong was just silently listening to us and looking out of the window. Irene never asked questions anymore so I never spoke up again as well. We were just quiet except for Yongjae, who’s still adorably talking to his puppy. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily before I placed kisses on top of my son’s head.

“Are you nervous?” Chorong finally spoke up.

“I am”

“Why?”

I gulped hard and hugged Yongjae tighter to me again. I snuggled my nose to the side of his head, searching for his baby scent. I kissed his cheek while he showed me his toy puppy. He asked me to kiss it and so I did, earning a huge smile from my son. Then I kissed his cheek again.

I sighed heavily and just stared at Yongjae. “I don’t know…” I finally said to Chorong. “Aren’t all brides nervous on her wedding day? Is Eric nervous in his room?”

“Yup, but mostly, he's really excited.” Chorong faced me and stared at me intently. “Are you excited, Yongsun?” she asked.

It wasn’t meant to be an interrogation so I don’t need to defend myself or feel intimidated by it. She was just genuinely asking the question. That’s why I was confused why I felt the need to defend myself for not feeling excited. I hadn’t even answered her question yet.

“You can always tell us the truth,” Irene whispered softly.

I sighed heavily and leaned my lips on top of Yongjae’s head. “I’m not” I whispered softly before I shut my eyes tightly, waiting for them to judge me or question my answer.

Nothing came.

I slowly released the breath I unconsciously held and glanced at the two of them. They were just looking at the garden. I looked at the garden with them as well, not sure why they’re not asking me or talking anymore.

Suddenly, Yongjae sat up and pointed out in the garden. He started jumping on my lap, almost hitting his head on my chin when he started getting excited.

“Whee… Whee…”

“Where?!” I exclaimed as I sat up and looked towards the garden. I’m trying to locate where he's pointing at while I narrowed my eyes to focus. “Did you really see her, Yongjae? Mommy couldn’t see Whee. Where are you pointing at?” I whispered to him.

“I think he mistook one of Eric’s friends as Wheein” Chorong whispered beside me.

“What do you mean? Where is he pointing?”

“See that woman with blonde hair but longer than Wheein’s hair? I think he thought that’s Wheein”

Yongjae pushed himself up and walked towards the window. He slammed his puppy on the glass and shouted, “Whee!”

I looked towards the person Chorong was talking about and thought that he might’ve really mistook her as Wheein. It’s also so stupid of me to think that Wheein would be here. I did invite Byul for her, Hyejin and Wheein to come here but I took it back as well. Wheein wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t even talk to me anymore because she wanted to move on from me. Why would she even come to my wedding? It’s really illogical but a part of me seemed to want to see her today.

I pulled Yongjae to sit on my lap again and stopped his smacking on the window. “It wasn’t Whee, little guy. It’s one of Eric’s friends. It’s Daddy’s friend”

“Whee…” he insisted, his cheeks looking fluffier as he pouted at me.

I quickly kissed his pouting lips before I shook my head at him. “No…”

“No?”

I frowned when he frowned at me. “No. I’m sorry, Yongjae” I whispered before I showered kisses on his cheek.

“Roses were Eric’s pick for the flowers when we met the wedding planner.” Irene suddenly said, grabbing my attention. “He said that you like roses, that’s why he would always give you roses. When we said to him that you agreed to everything we picked for your wedding except for the flowers, he was confused and kept asking us if you just sent it wrongly or if it was a mistake”

“We texted you a couple of times about it because Eric wanted to make sure” Chorong said and saw her and Irene looking at me through my peripheral view. “You picked something else”

“I did”

“You change it to something else. Why?” Chorong asked.

I stared at the many magnolia flowers displayed in the garden. The garden was supposed to be filled with roses like what Eric initially picked. I told them to change it to magnolias because I don’t like roses. I used to but it sounded too common when Wheein introduced magnolias to me. She has a lot of them in her café too, which makes the place calm and vibrant at the same time.

“I just… I don’t know. Roses are pretty common already. I like how calming the magnolias looked” I mumbled, hugging Yongjae tightly when it seemed like they’re cornering me from the way they looked at me. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, still feeling their gazes right on me and made me feel intimidated. “They remind me of Wheein. Her presence calms me down. Having them here would calm me down like how she could”

“But you have Eric. He’ll be waiting at the very front for you. You could just look at him as you walked towards him. Wouldn’t he calm you down?”

I’m already shaking my head before Chorong could even finish asking me the question, disagreeing with her right away. “No…” I mumbled before I groaned from frustration. “Yongjae could calm me down but Wheein…” I sighed heavily before I opened my eyes and stared at the many magnolias in the garden. “She does it so easily”

“I see…” Chorong whispered.

“We should probably get you changed now” Irene suddenly said. “We only have less than two hours before the wedding”

I nodded as I sighed heavily. I stood up while Irene watched over Yongjae for me. I walked back towards the vanity table while Chorong grabbed my gown for me. I removed the robe and wore my gown next. The style team was supposed to help me but having my friends with me felt more comfortable than around the people I only knew because of this wedding.

Chorong fixed my dress while I stared at myself through the mirror. My heart started even beating loudly deep in my chest while my breathing started to turn shallow. My hands started to sweat and shake from nervousness. Looking at myself with the wedding gown and with my hair and makeup done, makes me really nervous.

I think I’m definitely panicking right now. Irene said I ha