Do I have to be a man for you to fall in love with me?!

I jolted awake from another dream of Wheein screaming at me again. Then I hurriedly climbed out of the bed to get to Yongjae who’s been crying in his crib. I almost tripped on my way out of the bed because my foot got tangled with my blanket.

“Yongjae… Mommy’s here, baby. Mommy’s here” I cooed at him as I hurriedly tied my long black hair in a messy bun. “Mommy’s here, little guy. I’m here” I said to him before I lifted him and carried him in my arms.

I wiped the tears on his cheeks then kissed his cheek as I walked back to the bed. I sat on the bed again and ed my pajama top before I fed him. I instantly hissed when he bit my as he drank milk. I closed my eyes and groaned from the pain of his strong bites. I raised one of my hands up to my hair and massaged my scalp but it’s different when Wheein does this to me. I just held Yongjae close instead and bore with the pain until his bites softened.

“Slow down, little guy… No one’s going to steal Mommy’s milk from you” I whispered to Yongjae as I brushed back his hair. I leaned back on the bed only to sit up again and struggled to arrange the pillows behind me. Then I leaned back and closed my eyes as I sighed heavily.

Wheein does this to me automatically. All I had to do was hold Yongjae close to me and feed him. She’ll tend to my comfort and my pain. She does so much that when she’s not here, I could completely feel the void she left.

“You promised, Wheein. Why did you leave me?” I whispered to myself. I kissed Yongjae’s forehead before I pushed my face on his hair and inhaled his baby scent. “Yongjae… I’m all by myself now. Wheein left me” I whispered to my son who’s still busy drinking his milk.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to loosen the tightening in my lungs. I breathed Yongjae’s scent again. I wanted to be reminded of Wheein because she has the same but slightly different scent than Yongjae but all I could smell from my son is my son’s scent.

I sighed heavily as I leaned back again when Yongjae was done drinking his milk. I smiled at him and made him stand on my lap. I kissed his cheeks first before I made him lean on my shoulder. Then I stood up and patted his back so he could burp. I swayed him in my arms while he’s busy kicking his legs.

“Burp now, Yongjae… Are you done burping, baby?” I asked, peeking at him and smiled when I heard his soft burp. I grabbed the towel on the changing table and wiped his face and my back.

“Who’s the good boy? Who’s Mommy’s good boy?” I whispered to him as I walked back to the bed again.

I made him stand on my lap and showered kisses all over his face, making him giggle. “Say, Mommy, Yongjae… Say hi to Mommy” I whispered to him, smiling when he’s making so many cute baby noises and mumbles.

Wheein’s aunt, Dr. Jung, told us that as Yongjae got older he’d start mumbling and possibly talking. Wheein and I would spend a small time encouraging him to talk before we gave him his bath. We make him say his name or Mommy or Yongkeey and even Wheein’s name. Yongjae would successfully mumble. I think he’s saying words too but because he’s still not good at pronouncing, we might’ve missed it.

“Mommy… Say Mommy…” I whispered as I snuggled my nose to his. “Yongjae’s tiny nose and Mommy’s nose… Rub, rub, rub” I said, giggling when he started shrieking and giggling again. “That’s a good boy. That’s Mommy’s good boy”

I kissed his cute button nose before I lifted him in my arms. I climbed out of the bed and headed out of the bedroom while blowing kisses on his tummy.

His contagious giggles encourage me even more to continue blowing kisses on him. He started kicking his legs and patted on my head, ruining my bun as he giggled loudly.

“Mo… my…”

I stopped walking and stopped blowing kisses on his tummy. My eyes widened as I stared at a smiling and still giggling Yongjae. “Baby, what did you say?” I whispered softly, my eyes studying his face while my heart was beating excitedly in my chest. “Say it again, baby. Baby, say it again. Mommy wants to hear it clearly”

He giggled loudly as he started clapping his hands and jumping his body up and down in my arms, my frantic words exciting him. He clasped his hands and shrieked before he said, “Mo… my…”

I smiled right away while my tears just suddenly ran down my eyes, from both pride and exhilaration. “You said Mommy, Yongjae! My baby boy finally said his first word and repeated it too!” I said excitedly as I jumped on my heels and showered kisses on Yongjae. “Mommy so proud… I’m so proud of you, Yongjae” I cooed and hurriedly wiped the tears on my face before I placed a long kiss on his cheek.

“Wheein, did you hear it?!” I excitedly asked, smiling so wide as I turned to face her beside me.

But she’s not there. Wheein’s not there and I forgot that she’s not here.

The celebration was short lived because I’m alone and Wheein’s not here with me. She used to be right here with me. She’s always right here with me. She would be jumping up and down now because of excitement and pride in Yongjae. We’d be jumping up and down with a wild Yongkeey running around us, who’d be looking so confused because we’d be jumping on our heels nonstop.

I turned around the room, desperately looking for Wheein. Wishing that I could get a sight of Wheein. Hoping that I could hear her excited giggles. Only Yongjae’s giggles were the only thing I could hear though.

My smile instantly dropped. My body instantly collapsed on the floor. I hugged Yongjae close to my arms and buried my face on his tummy. Then I cried. I cried so hard in a moment that I should be happy because my son called me. He said his first word but I couldn’t be happy for long. I couldn’t celebrate his progress.

It’s been two days since I’ve last seen Wheein. It’s been two days since she said goodbye and left me so suddenly. She wouldn’t respond to my texts. My calls all went to voicemail. She changed her password to her apartment. I haven’t seen her car in the basement parking lot. Hyejin and Byul wouldn’t say where Wheein was. They’d just say that she wanted to be alone and didn’t want to talk to anyone at the moment.

“Baby, I miss Whee. I miss Whee so much…” I mumbled to my son’s tummy. “I miss Whee, Yongjae… Bring her back to me, baby. Mommy needs to see Whee”

“Whee… Whee… Mo… my… Mommy…” Yongjae mumbled as he patted and played with my hair, happily shrieking as he softly giggled when my breath tickled him.

I pulled away from his tummy and sat him on my lap. I wiped my tears and tried to smile at my son. I kissed his forehead before I leaned my forehead on his. “You’ve been saying her name now too” I whispered as I sniffed back my tears.

“Wheewhee…” Yongjae shrieked as he placed his tiny hands on my cheeks and gently squeezed them. “Whee… Mom… my…” he whispered softly and smiled at me, showing his two lower front teeth and his growing upper teeth.

There was suddenly a knock on my bedroom door. I instantly whipped my head towards it, my heart beating loudly from expectations.

Please be Wheein. Please be Wheein.

I held my breath when the door opened. “Hey…” I whispered and smiled as I stood up and lifted Yongjae with me.

“Hi…” Eric furrowed his eyebrows and stared at me worriedly, “Did you cry? Why did you cry?”

Yongkeey, who was standing by Yongjae’s crib, started barking loudly at Eric, making Eric back away from me right away. I had to calm her down and tell her to stay still for her to stop barking at Eric. I don’t know why Yongkeey doesn’t like him though. She doesn’t listen so easily to me too than when Wheein commanded this to her. Thankfully, Yongkeey stayed by Yongjae’s crib and settled with just growling at Eric while watching him closely.

Eric took a tentative step forward, watching Yongkeey intently. He took another step and waited if Yongkeey would bark at him again. Yongkeey stayed standing and growling at Eric while Eric stood in front of me, slightly relieved but still wary of Yongkeey.

“Behave, Yongkeey…” I whispered to her and patted her head, sighing heavily when she stopped growling but still cautious of Eric’s presence. I turned to Eric and whispered, “I’m sorry. She doesn’t bite but she’s wary of people she doesn’t know much”

“It’s okay. I’ll just do what she wants me to do.” He turned to me and scanned his worried eyes all over my face. “Why did you cry?”

I smiled and shook my head at Eric. “It was nothing. It’s just that Yongjae…” I whispered as I cleared my throat and glanced at my son. ”He just said his first word. He just called me Mommy.” He has also said Wheein’s name. The name that I would always use when I’m talking to Yongjae. “I just felt emotional,” I said before I glanced at Eric again.

He smiled at me before he faced Yongjae as he moved closer to us. He touched his finger on Yongjae’s cheek and his hand as he whispered, “Is that true, Yongjae? Did you just make Mommy proud of you, baby?”

Yongjae stared at his biological father before he looked away and hid his face on my neck, like a very shy Wheein. He doesn’t have Wheein’s blood but maybe spending so much time with her made him pick up her habits and personality. Is that even possible?

“He’s just not used to seeing you,” I explained to Eric.

“It’s okay. It’s not like I was here to help you raise him.” He glanced at me, his eyes screaming regret and guilt. “I’m sorry. I’ll really make up for all the time that I wasn’t here, Yongsun”

“I know and we’ve talked about it already. Why don’t you bond with him by giving him his bath? I’ll be in the kitchen to cook us breakfast”

“Yeah…” Eric agreed right away as he took off his jacket, folded it, and placed it on the bed. “I can do that. I’ll take care of him. But I already bought us breakfast. You can take a shower if you want” he said as he lifted Yongjae from me and kissed his cheek.

“Okay. Thank you…”

“Thank you for giving me another chance, Yongsun”

“We’ve talked about this already, Eric. You can stop thanking me now”

He wrapped one of his arms around my waist and pulled me in a hug. He kissed my cheek and propped his on top of my head. ”I can’t stop thanking you for that. That’s impossible. I owe you so much and I’ll make up for the days that I wasn’t here.” He pulled back and stared at me intently. “Thank you. I love you, Yongsun. It’s always you. It always has been you”

I smiled and kissed his cheek before I hugged him tightly. I pushed my face on his neck and sighed deeply. “I love you” I whispered before a lump formed in my throat when I expected Wheein’s scent coming out from Eric. My words sounded more empty than before too even though I meant it.

We broke the hug when we heard Yongjae fussing. He leaned and reached both of his arms to me as he started whimpering. I grabbed Yongjae from Eric and repeatedly kissed his cheek while I rubbed a comforting hand on his back.

“What’s wrong, little guy?” I whispered to him as I rocked him in my arms to stop him from whimpering.

“Mo… Mommy… WheeWhee…” he mumbled while I closed my eyes and hugged him tightly.

I turned him away from my neck and moved closer to Eric as I pointed at him. “That’s your Daddy, Yongjae”

“Mommy!” he shouted and moved away from Eric. “Whee… Mommy…”

I sighed heavily and kissed Yongjae’s temple. We’re both just looking for Wheein too, Yongjae. I don’t know where she is right now. I turned to face Eric and frowned at him. He nodded, understanding the situation and just patted Yongjae’s back.

“I’m sorry. He’s just not used to you”

“It’s okay. I can wait until he gets used to me. Shall I just help you in bathing him?”

“Yeah… That will be wonderful.” I pointed at the bathroom and said, “His tub is in the bathroom. I haven’t heated water for him though”

“I got it. Let me start heating water first” Eric said as he rushed out of the bedroom.

“Whee… Whee…” Yongjae mumbled in my arms as he cupped my cheek.

I frowned and shook my head at him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where she is either, Yongjae. Mommy wishes she knows where Whee is but I’m also looking for her like you too” I whispered, slightly pouting at him. I kissed his cheek again before I squeezed our cheeks together, pouting at the crib and the changing table. “I missed her. I missed her so much, little guy”

Do I have to be a man for you to fall in love with me?!

I gasped and unconsciously kicked a leg when I jolted awake from my sleep. I glanced at Yongjae’s crib and stared at it for a moment, trying to figure out if he’s still sleeping or not. I sighed heavily and laid down on my back when he’s still sleeping in his crib. I stared at the ceiling and rubbed my hand on my face.

It’s been two weeks since I’ve last seen Wheein. My calls didn’t just go to voicemail this time. They wouldn’t connect at all. My texts weren’t responded back as well. I still haven’t seen her in her café. I haven’t seen her car in the basement parking lot. I know she still hasn't moved out from her apartment because the building manager said so.

It’s been two weeks and I would still wake up to a dream of her shouting at me. It’s been two weeks and I still miss her. I still want to see her. The longing just grew bigger. She didn’t just simply leave. She took a part of me and carried it wherever she is right now.

“Yongsun”

I glanced beside me and saw Eric reaching a hand to cup my cheek. He rubbed his thumb right in the middle of my brows, relaxing the tension there that I didn’t even notice. He sighed and pulled me to him. He kissed my forehead before he propped his chin on my head.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice still hoarse from being woken up.

“Did I wake you up?” I asked him.

Eric would sometimes spend his night here to watch over Yongjae. Sometimes he’d go back to his house, the house that he built for the two of us, late at night. He asked me to move in with him there. I’ve been declining because I told him I’m not ready yet. He said it’s okay and that he’s willing to wait.

“Yeah… You kicked me so suddenly. I’ve been calling you many times but you seemed to be thinking deeply. What’s wrong? You can’t go back to sleep anymore?”

“I’m sorry I woke you up” I whispered to him.

“It’s okay. Let’s just go back to sleep already”

“Okay…” I whispered, sighing heavily as I tried to relax in his arms.

I closed my eyes and pushed my face on his neck. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to go back to sleep. I cleared my mind of my thoughts and let thoughts of Yongjae’s soft snores alone occupy my head so it would lure me to sleep.

I tried so hard, but I just couldn’t.

I couldn’t find the comfort in Eric’s arms like before. I don’t feel safe having my face on his neck. I feel somewhat suffocated. His arms felt so strong around me and it felt like I’m being squeezed uncomfortably. His scent just makes me feel awake. I’m just more awake now than before when my thoughts kept me company.

I stayed still and waited for Eric to fall asleep. When his arms loosened and I could hear him snoring, I slowly untangled his arms from me and pulled myself away from his embrace. Then I climbed out of the bed, turning my attention to Eric to make sure that I didn’t wake him up.

I slowly walked towards Yongjae to check on him. I was surprised when I saw him trying to flip to lay on his front. I silently watched and cheered on him, biting my bottom lip and gripping the edge of his crib. I jumped on my heels and held my breath when he almost flipped himself.

“Yes” I whispered under my breath when he finally did, throwing fist up in the air. I softly clapped my hands and said, “Good job, Yongjae. Good job”

He crawled from the very middle of the crib to the corner. He held the poles of his crib and suddenly pushed himself to stand up.

I immediately bent down and held the back of his onesie. I held him and just let him push himself to stand up, silently cheering him on again. “Let’s go, baby. Let’s go, Yongjae. You can do it. Mommy knows you can do it” I whispered to him while he grunted as he tried to stand up, slightly swaying on his legs.

I lifted him off the crib right away and showered kisses on his cheek, making him giggle as I walked out of the bedroom so we wouldn’t wake Eric. I slowly closed the bedroom door and made him stand on the floor. I held his hands while he eagerly walked like he has been doing it since he came out of my womb.

“Good job, Yongjae” I whispered excitedly as I guided him to the living room.

Yongkeey was with us too. She was running around me and Yongjae, feeling excited to see Yongjae walking. Yongkeey would grab Yongjae’s attention, which would result in Yongjae running towards her. This would also result in me having a heart attack because he’d move so fast. He almost slipped when I was surprised by his sudden movements that I couldn’t keep up with him.

It’s still dark outside but my dog and my son have so much energy. I like it. It makes me smile so wide and laugh at them.

When we reached the living room, I lifted Yongjae in my arms again. Then I lifted him up in the air while hopping so he’d feel like I’m throwing him in the air. Yongkeey was jumping with me, barking occasionally. Yongjae was giggling so loudly, his