Yongsun was in the kitchen cleaning the table and washing the dishes. I was sitting on the couch with Yongjae in my arms and lying on my chest. I was softly patting his back and humming to him, putting him to sleep. Yongkeey was right beside me, lying down on the couch and was already asleep.

I continued humming as I glanced at Yongjae to check how he is already. “Yongjae…” I whispered softly and smiled when he just stayed still. His tiny arms were gripping on my shirt while his mouth was puckered adorably. I kissed his head before I stood up and whispered, “Let’s go to bed, little guy”

Yongkeey immediately woke up when she felt me moving. She followed me as I headed to the bedroom to place Yongjae in his crib.

“He’s asleep already?” Yongsun asked from the sink.

“Yeah…”

I walked towards her so she could kiss her son before I headed back to the bedroom again. I gently pried Yongjae’s tiny fists on my shirt then I held my breath and gently placed him down on the crib. I secured his tiny head on the pillow before I released my hold on him, slowly releasing the breath I was holding as well.

I froze and held my breath again when he suddenly shifted in the crib. I hummed and patted his side until he stayed still again. I kissed his forehead and smiled at him as I stood straight.

I went to Yongkeey next and scratched her ears and chin. “Watch over the little guy, yeah?” I whispered while she softly whimpered. “Good girl… Good girl, Yongkeey” I cooed at her before I slowly walked out of the bedroom, bringing the baby monitor with me.

I slowly closed the door before I headed back to the living room. Yongsun was already sitting on the couch, watching the television. I placed the monitor on the coffee table before I headed to the kitchen to wash my hands. Then I dried them and headed to the front door.

“Where are you going?” Yongsun asked, lowering the volume on the television as I passed by the living room.

“I’m going out”

“Where?”

“I’m going to my apartment”

Her eyebrows furrowed as she sat up on the couch. “Is there something wrong in your apartment?” she asked while I only shook my head at her. “Then why are you going there?”

“Because it’s my apartment and I live there?” I said, sounding very uncertain while she scoffed and playfully rolled her eyes at me. “I mean, what else am I supposed to say other than that?”

“I know what you’re doing, Wheein”

I pouted at her as I muttered, “I’m not doing anything”

“You’ve been doing it in the past few weeks. I didn’t comment on it because we promised that nothing’s going to change between us since you confessed. You’re deliberately making excuses not to be in the same room with me only.” She turned the TV off as she sighed heavily and stared at me intently. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just going to my apartment” I whined, slightly pouting at her while she rolled her eyes again.

She was right though.

I thought I could go back to how we were before she found out that I have feelings for her. Yongsun never changes like she promised. She acted like how she was before and after my confession. I, on the other hand, couldn’t do that.

I made excuses to go somewhere or do something every time I’m left with her alone. I made excuses so I would never sleep beside her at night as well. I thought I was very subtle but Byul told me I was very obvious. I know I was but Yongsun never called me out of it so I continued doing it. It’s hard to lie to her though. It’s hard to be in the same room with her as well.

Before when she’s not aware of my feelings, I could just pretend that it didn’t exist and she wouldn’t know. Her thoughts won’t be mixed if my actions were done to pursue her or simply because I’m being a friend to her. I’ve grown conscious of it that all I could think to do is run away.

That’s what I’m doing now. I’m running away.

“Am I making you uncomfortable, Wheein?” Yongsun whispered softly.

“No” I answered right away as I shook my head vigorously.

She patted the space beside her and said, “Come here. Sit beside me”

I gulped hard and reluctantly walked towards the couch. I sat beside her and brought my legs up before I wrapped my arms around them, hugging them close to me.

“When you said that you never dated, was it because of me or no one just really asked you?”

I closed my eyes and groaned loudly while I could hear Yongsun softly laughing beside me. “Let’s just not talk about this”

“I’m serious. Maybe you just need to go out and meet people to get over me. You only see me, Yongjae, and Yongkeey here. You also see Hyejin and Byul but the two are obviously unavailable already. You have your customers but you stay in your office more to work or watch over Yongjae,” Yongsun explained while I buried my face on my knees, very embarrassed of myself right now. “I feel really guilty that I couldn’t return your affections, Wheein. So maybe, I could just help you get over me”

“Let’s just not talk about this” I mumbled again, feeling myself blushing hard.

“I have people in the office I know. I could set you up on a date with them”

“No… Please. No…”

“Or maybe either one of my friends. Irene even asked you out on a date one time in the hospital, right?”

“She was just teasing me at that time. She never really meant it. They know how shy I am with meeting other people, that’s why they were teasing me”

“I should call Irene”

I instantly pulled back and whipped my head towards her. I saw her dialling on her phone and I immediately moved forward to grab her phone from her hand, making her yelp when I surprised her. Once I had her phone, I turned my back on her and turned her phone off before I threw it on the adjacent couch.

“What are you doing?” Yongsun whined behind me.

I pouted at her and muttered, “Don’t set me up on any date with Irene. I don’t like talking or meeting people I don’t know or I’m not close with. You know that…”

“How would you know them if you wouldn’t go out with them?”

“I don’t want to know them. I don’t want to go out on a date with them” I said exasperatedly.

“How will you move on from me?”

“Loving someone doesn’t have a switch that you could easily flick on and off, Yongsun. Just because I would go out on a date with anyone, I’ll automatically forget that I love you and move on from you. It’s not that easy”

“Then tell me why you love me and we’ll start from there. Maybe I could stop doing the things you love about me so you could get over me. How am I supposed to help you if you’re not telling me anything?”

“I’ll deal with it, okay? Talking about it won’t help me at all” I said, sighing as I stood up from the couch and headed to the front door. “I’ll just distance myself more often”

Yongsun suddenly stood up and blocked my path from the front door, making me frown at her. “I’ll stop doing the things you love about me, the reasons why you love me. I’m desperate to help you here because I feel guilty, Wheein”

I shook my head and sighed heavily, “It won’t work”

“Just tell me. We’ll never know unless we try it”

“No…” I closed my eyes and groaned as I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Just tell me” she begged from me, slightly leaning forward from desperation while I only frowned at her. “Please…”

“No”

“Just tell me why you love me and we’ll start with that, Wheein. I’m sure it won’t be that hard”

“Your eyes”

She slightly leaned back while she furrowed her eyebrows from confusion. “What about my eyes?”

“You have the most expressive and intimidating eyes. It’s the first thing I noticed when I met you. You placed your attention on me when I was nervously mumbling about myself. Your eyes make me want to talk more because I could see the sincerity in them when you listen to me” I said, too tired to argue and just letting this all out while my hands turned to fist beside me. “You talk to me like I’m not some weird shy girl that others see in me. You laugh out loud and you are not afraid to do and tell what you want as long as you’re not hurting anyone. I envy that but mostly, I’m impressed by it because I always second guess myself around people. I’m amazed by how you effortlessly do it.

“Your smile. Your eyes would form creases on the corner while your dimples would go deep. It would easily soften the intimidating beauty of your face. I’m comfortable around you because you make sure that I’m comfortable, knowing how shy I am. No one would think of that except for those people who really know me. Some people would just ignore me and think of themselves even when I’m shaking from nervousness. They don’t care at all, but you do.

“You’re strong. Once you have decided on something, you pursue that decision even when others tell you not to. Even when I got mad at you when you told me that you’ll be giving up Yongjae for adoption. But you’re equally vulnerable as well, which shows me how human and imperfect you are. You cry hard if you feel like you can’t take it anymore but you never stopped and gave up. You always fight hard.

“And then Yongjae came. You carried him with you. You carried a life in you. You gave birth to him. You love your son and take care of him always. In those moments, you’re someone who’s always wonderful and impressive in my eyes.

“You’re beautiful. You’re not just beautiful physically, Yongsun. You’re beautiful in what you do. In what you think. You’re beautiful as a person.” I sighed heavily, feeling myself blush for telling her all of these while Yongsun stood frozen in front of me. I bent my head low before I whispered, “Can’t you understand it, Yongsun? You can’t change all the reasons I love about you because I love you. I love you as the person you were and most especially, who you are now”

“Wheein…”

“You can’t change yourself so I can unlove you. So I can simply move on and get over you. I can’t do that so easily” I mumbled, nervously sneaking a glance at her before I stared at my fidgeting hands. “Give me time and space. Maybe I’ll be do it but I know it would take long for me to get over you”

“Okay…” she whispered before I heard her breathing deeply.

I closed my eyes and breathed heavily as well while I ran my fingers through my hair. “Let’s not talk about this again. The fact that you know my feelings for you is embarrassing enough, Yongsun”

“I’m sorry for insisting. I just honestly want to help and I don’t like not doing anything about it. I don’t want you to think that I’m using the knowledge of your feelings for me to my advantage. I don’t want to use you like how you don’t want to use my desperation to your advantage as well, Wheein. You don’t deserve that”

I gulped hard as I nodded at her, still staring at my feet. After I spilled everything, there’s no way I could easily act as if nothing happened after this. There’s no way I won’t be awkward around her.

“I’m sorry”

“It’s okay…”

“Can I at least give you a hug?”

I shook my head and took a step back. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s refrain doing that”

“What if I want to comfort you? I still can’t hug you”

I groaned before I pouted at her while she frowned at me.

“I’m seriously asking just to make sure. I’m following your lead now so that I won’t mess up when I get ahead of myself again” she whined, slightly pouting at me this time.

“I think you can…”

“We’re not sleeping beside each other as well?”

“I think that’s obvious, Yongsun”

Her shoulders sank while she frowned as she stared at me, obviously disheartened while silently begging for me to take it back. I still don’t know why she wanted to sleep beside me when she doesn’t even have affections for me other than being her friend.

Hyejin and I slept beside each other before she met Byul too. We stay in bed and lie down beside each other to talk all night. We don’t cuddle. I mean we sometimes do if we watch or talk about something scary. She knows how I’m easily scared, that’s why we cuddle in bed. But other than that, we fight to get the biggest space in bed while we’re sleeping.

Yongsun likes to cuddle and snuggle in bed. She would always hold me and would always wake up if I move to go to the bathroom or go to Yongjae. She’d tell me to come back to bed right away. I like being held by her but if we continue doing that, that might be added to the list of why I love her. We’ve established already that I’m trying to move on even when I’m just doing the slightest efforts in it.

“I should go,” I said.

“Okay…” She took a step aside to let me pass as she asked, “Are we also not eating together anymore?”

“No. I’ll come back. I’ll be here for dinner”

“Okay… Thank you” she whispered, making me smile a little bit when she sounded so relieved.

“I should probably go” I said, awkwardly pointing at the front door right in front of me.

“Yeah… You should go. You can go. It’s okay to go” she mumbled, nodding her head vigorously while she awkwardly pointed at the door too.

“Why are you acting awkward? I should be the one acting awkward” I mumbled as I pouted at her.

“How could I not be awkward after everything you said to me? You just narrated all the good things you found about me that I have overlooked after going through pregnancy. I look fat. I feel fat. I have so many stretch marks. I feel so conscious about myself but after you opened your mouth, you just wash away a part of my insecurities”

“You insisted. I told you to stop but you insisted” I whined, slightly stomping my foot on the floor.

“That’s why I said sorry already and I’m acting awkward now” she argued back.

I just stared and pouted at her with my fists on either side of me. She’s frowning at me which just made her cheeks even more fluffy. We stared at each other and neither one dared to talk. Then she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from smiling, which just made me bite my bottom lip to stop myself from smiling as well. Her shoulders started shaking so I closed my eyes and shook my head to stop myself from laughing. We went from a staring contest to no laughing contest in just a span of seconds.

“Do you still love me after that argument?” she asked before she bursted out laughing when she couldn’t hold in anymore, which made me giggle at her. She gently pushed my shoulder as she said between laughing, “We’re bad at this”

“You’re bad at this. I’m the one who’s always nervous and awkward between the two of us”

“I could be awkward too.” She sighed heavily before she pulled me in a tight hug. “I know you said not to but just give me this one” she whispered as she leaned her chin on my shoulder. “Thank you. I meant it when I said that you wash away my insecurities”

“I didn’t know you’ve become insecure after giving birth to Yongjae” I whispered as I wrapped my arms around her as well.

“Some of my clothes still don't fit. My coworkers really had to point out how I’ve become bigger too. It’s kind of irritating and annoying but it’s making me feel conscious too”

“Try not to mind them. You gave birth to a beautiful baby boy because of that”

She pushed her face to my neck as she sighed heavily. “Thank you so much, Wheein. I’m so honored to receive your love. You deserved all the love you can get as well but I’m very sorry if I can’t be that person”

Why can’t you just be that person?

“I told you. Let’s not talk about it anymore” I mumbled, closing my eyes when my chest suddenly felt so tight.

“Okay… I’m sorry again”

She squeezed me in her arms before she slowly released me. I bent my head low and breathed deeply before I glanced at her. I smiled at her as I nodded my head while she smiled back at me.

“Do you really have to go?”

“Yeah… I have to check on Hyejin and Byul in the café. I have to work on something as well.” I headed to the front door and wore my shoes before I waved at her. “I’ll be back by dinner,” I said before I walked out of her apartment.

Even after I sincerely narrated everything I love about her, I still couldn’t win her love. I’ll just be a very good friend to her and there’s nothing that I could do to change that. I just gave myself punches after punches of reality no matter how stubborn I was.

No matter how many times I told myself that I’m content with loving her from afar, I can’t change the fact that I love her but she couldn’t love me. That’s the reality I’ll keep telling myself starting today.

I should really try to get over her this time.

It’s already almost ten in the evening and Yongsun is not back yet in the apartment. I thought that maybe she was having an emergency work or meeting or something but it’s really late and she hadn’t sent me a text or given me a call to tell me where she was or what she was d