Today’s my fourth day here in Jeonju. I woke up unlike the other days that I was here. I wasn’t alone this time.

I woke up feeling a weight on my shoulder, my legs tangled with someone’s legs, and hearing a soft snore right close to my ear. I breathed deeply as I slowly opened my eyes and glanced at the person right beside me. I smiled at Wheein’s sleeping face before I wrapped my other arm around her waist. I placed soft kisses on her forehead, feeling sweat from her now.

I gently squeezed her in my arms and closed my eyes as I buried my face on her hair. I inhaled her scent, trying to find her baby scent only to find her sweaty scent with the hint of her usual baby scent.

I was worried about her yesterday. I’ve covered her in thick clothing and wrapped her tightly in her blanket. The room was already warm when the rain stopped mid afternoon but she still wasn’t sweating. She was still slightly shivering as well. I made her drink lots of water and fed her before I made her drink her medicine. The presence of her sweat now just means that her temperature has lowered down and hopefully, her fever is gone now.

I held her head and gently lifted it off before I moved my shoulder away from her. I laid her head back on the pillow again. I kissed the tip of her nose then I slowly untangled our legs. I slowly climbed out of the bed, careful not to wake her up.

I walked towards my bag and grabbed the extra shirt I brought with me yesterday. The shirt I was wearing has already stuck to me from how sweaty I was. It was a miracle I was able to sleep last night. It was only probably possible because of the assurance that Wheein was sleeping next to me. The thought of that comforted me to sleep despite how uncomfortably warm the room was.

I took off the shirt I was wearing and changed into the extra shirt I brought with me. I dumped the sweaty shirt in my bag before I walked back to the bed.

I placed a hand on Wheein’s forehead and checked her temperature, relieved that it has finally gone down. I leaned down and kissed her cheek before I walked out of her bedroom to cook us breakfast. With her limited grocery supply, I could only cook her eggs and toast some bread for us.

I’d been feeding her soup and anything that could make her warm because she was constantly shivering. All she ever did last night was eat, drink her medicine, and then go to sleep. All I ever did was cook us food, feed her, make her drink medicine, clean her apartment, watch over her, and sleep beside her. I doubt she even noticed that I’m in her apartment because her eyes were either closed or half open the whole day yesterday. She barely even talked and responded to me as well.

As promised, I told Taeyeon using Wheein’s phone that Wheein’s fever has finally gone down. She replied right away that she’ll be coming here later to check on Wheein herself.

I was already setting the table when I heard footsteps from Wheein’s bedroom. I glanced towards Wheein’s bedroom and saw the door opening before Wheein came out in her bed hair and her pajamas. She has removed the layers of clothes I put on her. Her pout was on while she scratched her neck, looking so well now and out of her feverish state.

I smiled at how adorable she looked before I finished setting up the table. I looked at Wheein and saw her standing at the kitchen entrance from her bedroom hallway. She stared at me with her eyes wide open and her hand mid-scratch on her neck.

“Good morning” I said to her while she only blinked her eyes at me, surprised at my presence in her apartment.

Yup. She has no idea I’ve been in her apartment since yesterday.

“Are you hungry already? I cooked us breakfast. I could only cook this much since you didn’t have much in your refrigerator.” I glanced at her again and saw her blinking her eyes at me again, still clueless what’s happening while I tried to suppress a smile or a laugh. She looked so cute. “Wheein…” I whispered softly, breaking her out of zoning out.

“Why…” she whispered before she cleared her voice from its huskiness. “Why are you here?”

“Can we at least eat first before you ask me questions? I’m really hungry already”

I didn’t wait for her anymore and sat down right away. I started eating and motioned for her to do the same.

I’m trying to prolong wherever she’s going with her question. If it’s a question for clarification, then there’s a possibility that I’m safe and I could stay longer. If it’s a question of opposition, then I might not be able to stay here. I’ll have to fulfill my promise to Taeyeon and leave them without saying anything.

I took my time and slowly chewed my food while Wheein was constantly looking at me while eating her food. Every time our eyes met, she’d looked down right away and furrowed her eyebrows at her food. I decided to finish my food right away because whatever happens next, I won’t be able to stop it.

I emptied my plate and emptied my glass of water next. I carried my plate and my glass then placed them in the sink. I grabbed Wheein’s medicine and handed it to her while she’s still eyeing me from the dining table.

“Drink this just to make sure you don’t have any fever anymore”

She grabbed the medicine and followed what I said while I grabbed her plate and placed them on the sink. I turned around and faced her when I heard her push back her chair. She walked around the table and placed her empty glass in the stink.

I stepped back and watched her carefully because it seemed that the cold version of herself was back again when I saw her eyebrows furrowed. I could also feel how she’s subtly distancing herself from me as well.

“Why are you here?” she asked again as she moved away from me, keeping a few feet distance between me and her.

I sighed heavily, feeling like I’m the one who’s having a fever now and she’s fully well. “I stayed to take care of you” I answered her.

“Why you?”

I looked away when she asked me that.

She’s questioning why I'm here. She’s questioning my presence in her apartment like she didn’t ask for me, specifically me, to stay with her yesterday. Like she wasn’t desperately holding onto me, afraid to let me go.

Now she’s definitely back to her cold self again.

I don’t understand her. I don’t understand why she’s acting like this.

“I’m dating Taeyeon, Yongsun. Why are you here with me? What would Taeyeon say about this?” she mumbled, getting stressed out.

“You asked me to stay. She was here yesterday but you asked me to stay, Wheein. Would you expect me to be here if you weren’t asking for me, specifically me?”

She looked at me, her eyebrows furrowing from confusion. She gulped hard and looked away before she shook her head vigorously and whispered, “That must’ve been a mistake. What would Taeyeon say? I don’t want her to think that I cheated on her. That’s not good. No”

“She knows I’m here. She knows I’m with you”

She glanced at me again and asked, “Did you kick her out?”

“Why do you think so low of me now, Wheein?” I whispered softly, my chest hurting from all these accusations. “You said that you don’t hate me but you’re acting like you actually hate me. Why do you resent me so much? I just realized it too late that I have fallen in love with you. I admit it was a huge mistake and I’m making up for it. I confessed to you and told you the truth. You never acknowledged it. I looked so stupid showing up to your café to wait for you so I could talk to you. You couldn’t even give me that”

I stared at her intently while she hardened her gaze and met mine. I thought I could simply walk away without saying anything. I thought I could simply accept this. I thought wrong and I couldn’t. I refused to walk away without understanding what’s happening between us.

“I told you I don’t want to talk to you anymore”

“But that was because I thought I couldn’t return your affections”

She shook her head as she said, “After saying to me plenty of times that you couldn’t, how could I just trust that so easily, Yongsun?”

“I’m telling the truth”

“Then I refused to accept your truth!” she said, jumping on her heels for emphasis. She turned her back on me before she said, “I have loved you from afar for years. Was content about it for years. I did everything I could to help you. I hoped that you could at least see me beyond just a friend…”

“I do!” I exclaimed, cutting her.

“But you were too late!”

Was I really too late? You seeked for me last night. You never want to let me go. What was that for? Was that just your dreams making you say and feel things you never meant?

“I decided to move on. I chose to move on.” She turned around to glare at me while her tears silently flowed down her cheeks, making me frown at her while my own tears threatened to come out. “I moved here so I’d be far away from you. I stayed quiet and never disturbed your relationship with Eric. Why do you have to come here and say all of these things to me when I’ve made up my mind that I’m moving on? Why are you disturbing me and Taeyeon? Why do you have to appear so suddenly?”

“Wheein…” I whispered so softly, trying to get to her to wipe her tears.

“Stay there!” she exclaimed, taking a step back right away as she wiped her own tears.

I bent my head low, feeling my chest tightening as I started to sniff back my own tears that’s a shy away from falling down. “I came to take a risk”

“And I told you to go back home right away” she said.

“You promised you would never leave me” I whispered, my voice breaking as my shoulders started shaking from my silent cries. “You promised you would stay”

“You couldn’t expect me to fulfill that if you have Eric by your side already. What about me, Yongsun? You have someone with you. I got no one. I want you but you don’t want me…”

“I told you that was before I realized that I want you as well” I said, desperately asking her to believe me. I looked at her through my blurry vision while I fisted my hands on either side of me from frustration.

She shook her head and whispered, “I can’t”

My fists loosened while the tension on my shoulders went away as my shoulders sank from defeat. I stared at her in disbelief, wishing she’d take it back but she looked determined. All the hope, determination, and strength I brought here in Jeonju from Seoul got crushed and thrown away so easily. Just like that.

The two words that once broke her heart were now breaking mine.

I leaned a hand on the sink and kept myself steady when I felt lightheaded from this sudden confrontation. I turned my back to Wheein and leaned both of my hands on her kitchen sink. I felt so weak after being punched by the reality that I was really too late.

I shut my eyes tightly and willed myself not to cry anymore, but it’s hard. It’s so hard not to cry when there’s a constant stab in my heart. It’s hard to stop my tears when they chose to prick my eyes and forced themselves out of my eyes. It’s even harder not to make a noise from my cries when my lungs constricted, giving me a hard time to breathe.

It’s hard to be okay when the person you love doesn't love you anymore.

And what’s worse is that, she has loved me. She genuinely loved me but I wasted that opportunity because I was in denial. I was afraid to accept that I love her.

Could I blame myself though? Could I blame Wheein for hurting me now? Like what Byul said, we’re both hurting but we couldn’t pinpoint someone to blame about what happened. I’m left with no one now except for my son while she has almost moved on and chose to keep that decision.

I breathed deeply and pushed myself away from the sink. I furiously wiped the tears on my face as I bit my bottom lip so I wouldn’t be wailing in front of her. I’m already ashamed of myself for crying while she could see me. I still want to preserve the pride left in me by not being a mess in front of her.

I breathed deeply and forced myself to ask, “Are you happy with her?”

“I am”

I nodded and regretted asking immediately. I should have just left her apartment like what I said to Taeyeon yesterday. Why am I hurting myself? Why do I want to pin myself down even more when I could barely keep myself up?

“Okay…” I whispered before I sniffed back my tears and wiped my tears with the back of my arm. “Okay” I whispered again, nodding my head to convince myself this time and forced myself out of her apartment.

I gulped hard and pushed myself away from the kitchen. I headed to her bedroom and grabbed my things in there. I wiped my tears and took deep calming breaths. I’m not okay but I don’t want to be crying again when I walk out of her bedroom. I want to be alone later when I’ll cry all the pain out.

When I felt somewhat strong enough already, I walked out of her bedroom. She was still by the kitchen when she saw me coming out. Taeyeon just got in her apartment when I walked to the living room.

I saw her glanced at me before I averted her gaze and trained my eyes on the floor. I didn’t say anything to her as I wore my shoes while she’s standing beside me. I didn’t wave or say goodbye to them. I didn't have words left in me anymore. I even felt like I’m about to get sick already.

“Is there something wrong?” Taeyeon whispered beside me.

I didn’t bother answering her. I just walked towards the door and pulled it open before I walked out of Wheein’s apartment like I promised. She’s happy with Taeyeon already. I couldn’t be happy because it’s not me, but I respect it. I have to respect her choices like when she respected mine when I stupidly chose Eric over her.

I didn’t feel alone when I woke up this morning. But I haven’t even reached an hour after I woke up and that has completely turned upside down instantly.

I closed my eyes and rested my phone on my ear, waiting for the ringing to end and my call to connect. I was currently curled up in bed and wrapped tightly around my blanket. I have worn the thickest clothing I brought with me. I have also turned the air condition unit off. Yet I’m still shivering. I’ve been sneezing repeatedly as well. I think I caught Wheein’s fever when I stayed by her side to take care of her.

“Hello…”

“Eric” I whispered, feeling my hot breath coming out of my mouth when I spoke. “Are you busy today?”

“I’ve got an emergency at work. Why? Is there something wrong?” he asked, hearing the worry in his voice.

“No. Nothing’s wrong. I was just hoping to see Yongjae” I mumbled, having difficulty talking without making it obvious to him that I’m sick and shivering. I was actually hoping to see if he could pick me up and bring me back home today instead of originally picking me up this weekend. “I’m sorry I disturbed you”

“You ca