... 1.30.2017

They drove in silence, Daniel’s soulless eyes glued to the road in front of him. His thoughts clearly detached, his hands robotically gripping onto the wheel.

Jiyeon was going insane. She wanted to explain everything... she knew how crazy it sounded, but seeing his expression.

She expected hurt, anger, jealousy. Something like that, she remembered the time she had lied to him, all those years ago. Pushing him away so many times.

This was different.

There was nothing human about the person sitting beside her.

Hate. Was that what she sensed? He felt unfamiliar. Like an entirely different person.

Instead of rushing to clear her name, she waited for him to speak first…

She felt a lump in , she tried to breathe out, but she couldn’t. She forced the air out of her lungs. He was someone she loved, so why did she feel like she was suffocating beside him?

Why did his presence make her miserable?

Anything, she wanted him to say anything that would’ve at least acknowledged the current dilemma they were in.

20 minutes of silence passed, her eyes glued to the appearing and disappearing glows of the streetlights. They were approaching her apartment now. 

“Oppa.” She couldn’t hold it in any longer, her voice trembling, her entire mind frantically searching for how to start.

He didn’t respond. His eyes remained glued to the road, they pulled into her apartment complex the vehicle starting its descent towards the underground parking garage. His hands were gripped tightly around the wheel.

“Daniel I’m sorry.” 

He bit his lip, he was clearly holding back his anger. Why was he doing that?

It hurt her. It hurt her to see him suppress his emotions.

This was why... this was why she felt so miserable.

“Don’t you want me to explain?” Jiyeon questioned.

Was he being petty?

“Aren’t you going to get mad?” She asked in disbelief.

“I don’t care what you did.” Daniel finally replied in a cold voice. “Let's pretend it never happened.”

Jiyeon scoffed. What was he saying?

The choice she had made that night. This was the result. Her silence, that was why she felt so guilty. 

“It’s fine? You didn’t even let me explain!” She hated hearing him talk that way. 

It just made her feel more inferior, it just justified all of the pain she felt inside towards him.

He parked in an empty spot in the underground garage. 

The car lights slowly dimming as the vehicle turned off, leaving both shrouded in darkness.

He finally turned towards her, a large shadow fell over his face. His soulless eyes throwing knives into her heart.

“What difference does it make if I ask? Huh?” He questioned, his usual calm demeanor now returning. 

"What if I don't want to hear the truth?”

Jiyeon clenched her fist without even realizing, his indifference causing her to boil inside. 

What difference? For one… did he even trust her?

She realized then, she couldn’t stay with him. Her own frustrations, her own resentment it was beginning to form towards him.

If she continued she might make another mistake with her words, just like when she had fought with Hwayoung. 

"Do you trust me?” 

"Why does that matter?" Daniel responded with indifference, turning away, his back leaning against his seat.

"Do you trust me?" 

"Why?" He demanded heartlessly, his voice raising this time.

“You’ve never once considered my feelings. Huh? You've never once trusted me. You just keep holding it in! Making your own assumptions!” Jiyeon screamed in frustration. "Do you think I was there to cheat on you? Is that what you think?"

"Did you?"

This was the turning point, every ounce of resentment disappearing from her. Who was he? This wasn't Daniel was he? Was the real Daniel finally revealing himself?

Her body began to tremble. The expressionless face. 

Was accusing her of cheating something he could say so easily? 

It tore her heart apart just thinking about it. She loved him... so much.  Her hands reached for the door and she slammed the door open, feeling total resentment towards his words.

Did you? Was this how much he didn't trust her?

“Jiyeon!” He yelled from behind her, he had followed her out of the car.

His heavy footsteps behind her.

She didn’t turn around, she trudged away, past several cars, glancing in the reflections of the windows to see how far he would follow her.

Part of her hoping he'd quickly catch up to her and throw his arms around her, for them to fight through this.

“Jiyeon I’m sorry. I trust you.” He started following her, his desperation clear from his voice.

But he stayed steps behind her. 

Hearing him apologize, was it even real? Was it just an excuse? 

Jiyeon’s face was flooding with tears as she walked away. Heart aching as she struggled to hold in the sobs not wanting to admit defeat in front of him.

He was still following her. They were meters apart now. The sliding glass doors leading to the elevator already opening from her mere presence.

What are you waiting for? Why aren't you saying anything? 

She entered into the tiny lobby, the translucent glass creating a barrier between them. Glass, no matter how you cover it, dirty it, clean it, the image behind it remains the same. 

She heard his footsteps halt.

“Let’s talk about this tomorrow then." He requested clearly out of solutions. "I think we both need to cool off."

Cool off, ignore it. Then what? Then what Daniel?

I'm going crazy inside, every night I feel miserable. Even when I’m beside you… I feel miserable

"Cool off? Is this something that we can just ignore?" Jiyeon questioned outraged by the thought of it. She was tired of holding it in. 

"No, that's not what i meant..." He protested.

"Let's take a break." Jiyeon couldn't turn around, because if she saw his face, if she saw his pleading eyes. She knew she wouldn't be able to say it.

"What? Is it because of tonight, I'm sorry. I don't know what—" His normal voice had finally seemed to return.

"I don't think we should see each other for sometime." 

She had things to figure out. They had issues to solve, and they couldn't keep ignoring it.

Jiyeon didn’t turn back as she entered into the elevator. Hoping he wouldn’t follow her. Yet begging for him to rush inside at the last moment, for his hand to slash through the crack and—they didn't, the reflective doors slid closed, the image of her devastated face mirrored on it.

Jiyeon collapsed onto the ground. Her sobs echoing through the metal cage. Her hands unable to wipe away all of the pain and guilt she felt. Why had she hurt him? Should she have just swallowed her fears. To beg for him to forgive her.

Where would that take them? How long would that last? 

It hurt like hell, never could she have imagined hurting him. She loved him far too much to imagine that, but... here they were.

… 2.4.2017

“I think we should take a break.” 

A phrase he wished he never heard again. It should’ve been normal. Couples get into fights, they take breaks in between. But for Daniel it was different. It was only a painful reminder.

Daniel dribbled mindlessly in the empty gymnasium, practice had ended hours ago.

Yet here he was, his thoughts wandering to a time he would've given anything to forget. 

“I think we should take a break.” She said it casually. Like it meant nothing.

“Why?” Daniel’s jaw dropped unable to comprehend. Where was this coming from?

She twirled her hair behind her neck, nodding absentmindedly towards his frustrated tone.

“I think we should take an opportunity, to think about our relationship seriously.” 

“What?” Daniel scoffed unable to believe what he was hearing. "Think seriously?" 

"I mean what are we really? In your mind?" Hannah questioned. 

Daniel had thought about this plenty of times. To him they would stay together forever... wouldn't they?

He stared at the hoop, launching the ball towards the rim. The ball twirled into the air and slowly fell through the rim. He sighed as he walked towards the rolling object to retrieve it.

His sister had told him he was stupid. He was stupid to doubt her feelings. But it was all he knew. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

“Are you stupid? Come on man, how can you have a 4.0 GPA and be this dense?” 

They had both just finished showering, both Jay and Daniel with towels covering their junk. Both heading towards the locker room to change after a long practice. 

“What?” Daniel shrugged his shoulders, stepping into his boxers.

“A break just means she wants an excuse to sleep with other guys.” Jay told at him. “Clearly you’re just the end goal, she probably just likes your convertible or maybe her parents like you.” 

“Shut up dude.” Daniel tried to deny the usual teasing Jay gave him for being a quote on quote ‘nerd’. Hannah wasn’t like the girls Jay slept with. 

“Dude, she’s clearly bored of having to wait for you to study all night. I mean, its kind of your fault, you’re the one who goes to the library on weekends, doesn’t go to parties…”

“Shut the up bro, don’t play around.” Daniel tried to shrug it off, his voice becoming more agitated by his friend’s bluntness. 

Sure, Jay was his best friend, but what did he know? He lived a careless lifestyle. Sleeping around with anyone who aroused him. Showing up to class late if at all.

“Dude I know women, and trust me. You’re just job security or a golden future. I hate to tell you, but if she’s asking for a break, it probably means she’s already sleeping with another—”

Daniel wasn’t sure what came over him, but when he came to he had pushed Jay against the locker. He was breathing rhythmically, his fist raised near his best friend’s face.

“I said shut up.” Daniel barked at his friend, only realizing afterwards how aggressive he had become.

“Dude, chill. I’m just telling you what I think. Ok? Ask anyone, they’ll tell you the same.” Jay defended himself clearly unnerved by the sudden violence. “I’m sorry just forget about it then.”

Sweat was pouring down his forehead as he dribbled from one side of the court to the other. His eyes focused on the opposite side of the rim. 

He lept off the ground and slammed the ball into the rim with his hand. The ball collapsed onto the ground, as he braced his fall with his legs. He didn’t stop, he grabbed the ball once again, and began dribbling furiously towards the other side. 

One step after another.

He slowly climbed the stairs of the large house.

A party that Daniel’s friend Mike had thrown at his Beverly Hill’s mansion. Luxurious wood underneath his feet, Daniel climbed towards the guest bedroom.

Jay had been the one to tell him. Daniel had rushed to the party, resisting his parents attempts to scold him for leaving. Running in disbelief.

“Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that was her flirting with him.” Mike tried to reason as he followed the two of them towards the bedroom. 

Daniel prayed he was wrong as he stormed towards the door. He prayed that Jay was just being obnoxious as usual. His heart was pounding as he placed his hand on the handle. 

There was a clear sound. 

“Yes, just like that… Yes.”

Daniel twisted the knob and jerked the door open.

There was a scurry and—“Hannah!” He yelled, her eyes widened at the sight of him and she rolled off the bed, taking the sheets with her.

“What are you doing here?” She shrieked.

“Who is this?” The white hunk about Daniel’s age cried. “What the ?” 

“What are you doing here?” She questioned again, as if he hadn’t caught her cheating.

Daniel couldn’t believe it…

“Hannah.” 

The other person dived off the bed grabbing his underwear.

Daniel stood frozen. He had never… this was the person he had fallen in love with his freshman year. The person who had waited after his practices, flirting with him as they spent dates in the library late into the night.

What could he even say?

“Daniel, what the hell are you doing here?” She screamed.

“I’m sorry, but I had to let you know the truth.” Jay ignored her placing his hand on Daniel’s shoulder. 

Daniel brushed it off. He hated how right Jay had been.

“Hey man, chill. I didn’t know she had a boyfriend. She didn’t say anything.” The guy tried to reason walking towards him wearing only his boxers, his toned muscular body in full vision. 

“Get the out of my sight.” Daniel growled.

Within a minute the three other men left the room leaving only him and his girlfriend, she hastily put on her bra and was in the middle of putting on the rest of her discarded clothes.

Daniel felt lost. He felt betrayed. He felt enraged. All of it. This was the girl he had planned on loving for the rest of his life.

“Hannah.” He was left speechless.

“We’re on a break. This is what…” She mumbled, clearly thinking of an excuse she could think of.

“Hannah!” He yelled.

“Don’t act so proud.” She finally raised her voice towards him.

“Why? Because I didn’t cheat?” Daniel retorted his head spinning a screeching sound filling his ears.

“Sorry I’m not perfect like you! You must feel so great living in your world of right. Your perfect grades, your perfect image, I’m sorry I couldn’t be your perfect Girlfriend!” She mocked him.

Did she feel no remorse? Did she feel no guilt? 

Daniel had loved her, it was enough to forgive. He had thought at that moment…

What if she begged for forgiveness? Would he have forgiven her? Maybe. He loved her after all.

I made you feel lonely didn’t I? I’m sorry I should’ve taken care of you. The words had crossed his mind.

But instead he was lectured about his hard work. The nights he toiled studying, his only thought of being able to provide a good life for her. The hours he spent practicing basketball and working out because he knew Hannah wanted to show him off. 

“Did I ever ask you that?” He questioned, he was close to tears. He felt his entire world tearing apart. “To be perfect? I loved you just because… and just because, I almost forgave you.”

For a moment he saw vulnerability. He saw regret, he saw her eyes quivering realizing her mistake. But it was gone in seconds. 

“So, let’s stop, a break? Bull. I’m done with you. I’m sorry for loving you.” He mumbled mustering whatever pride he had left.

“You think this is love? Don’t lie to yourself. I was just another accomplishment in your perfect little world. But guess you're such a ing loser, you know that? Love? You just hate being alone, you insecure piece of !” 

Daniel turned around, his heart completely broken. 

His pride destroyed. 

He walked away wanting to be the better person, he had made it out of the room. Towards the stairs, the stunned faces of all the other party goers completely silent.

He breathed out slowly. He felt so much shame. Maybe she was right, maybe he did care about his image too much.

“Daniel!” Her voice screamed from behind him.

He ignored her continuing to walk away, the crowd of people parting as he headed towards the exit. He could hear her footsteps. Bounding down the steps towards him, her heart wrenching sobs behind him. He thought about turning back.

“I hope they all know! How pathetic you really are! You think you can date in the future? I pity them so much, they’ll all just be accomplishments to you.” She taunted him, a final blow that echoed around the large house.

Hannah’s words. They dug deep into him… he wished he could say they meant nothing to him. 

But they had stayed, he had thought about quitting basketball at the time. The summer after Highschool was the hardest. He felt lost with no direction.

Then he met her. Seeing her standing by the fountains. Watching the Bellagio fountains rise and fall, her innocent puppy eyes gazing out into the distance. 

The way she had comforted him a total stranger, telling him to pursue the only thing that brought him joy. He found direction again. Jiyeon did that.

No matter how many beautiful women Daniel met afterwards… Jiyeon would always be different. The person who had given him direction again.

Daniel threw the ball against the wall. He couldn’t hold it in, he sank to his knees, breathing heavily.

He was the coward. He couldn’t bring himself to contact her. Not after how much he had messed up. He had pushed her away. 

The lights turned off automatically. The darkness enveloping the entire practice court. He sunk on the ground. 

Daniel didn’t realize how late it was as he finished showering. His bag slung over his shoulder, the large practice facility completely empty save for him and the few security personnel. 

He walked out towards the exit when he heard a voice.

“Omma, can I really see where he practices?” A cute young female voice rang out.

“Yes, but you can’t be loud ok?” The other voice responded. It was oddly familiar.

Daniel walked backwards out of curiosity.

“Chaeun-si?” 

He was startled by the sight of the pretty cheerleader. She was walking around the practice facility, beside her was a cute young girl. She looked 5… maybe 6.

“Daniel-si.” Chaeun gasped.

“Basketball oppa?” The little girl cried joyfully.

“I can explain…”

…

Daniel watched the little girl run around the practice court, the leather skinned ball lodged between her small arms. 

He couldn’t help but chuckle as he watched the cute performer throw the ball into the air. The ball of course barely made it two meters off the ground before dropping directly in front of her.

“Be careful Jinah.” Chaeun called out before turning back to him. They both stood near the entrance of the court watching her daughter.

She had just revealed her biggest secret to him. She had conceived a daughter when she was in university, and with no other way to support her. Chaeun had dropped out of University and gone into cheerleading to make ends meet.

Daniel was speechless as he listened to her. She sounded completely different. Not the flirtatious cheerleader who caused misunderstandings with his feelings for Jiyeon. This was a mother, who cared for her daughter.

“I’m sorry to hear your story.” Daniel apologized out of the blue. “It must be hard.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Chaeun replied a genuine sorrow in her voice. “I saw you as my ticket to fame, to a better life. It must’ve been very burdensome.” 

Daniel stared at the little girl joyfully jumping alongside the bouncing ball. After what had happened with his fans… he had wondered if his fame truly was helping anyone. If he was just encouraging hate and jealousy. 

But right here. This little girl proved he had been able to help someone.

“No, I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’ve been getting opportunities.” Daniel remarked.

The little girl toppled over, clearly exhausted.

As Daniel tensed for a second before seeing the girl wiggle her arms in the air.

“Can I ask you something though?” Daniel had to know this much. “I hope I don’t sound too arrogant.”

“But do you like me? Actually?” 

Chaeun’s expression quickly shifted. She breathed out carefully before continuing.

“I think you like someone else.” She responded.

Daniel stared at her strangely. Did she know?

“I overheard you recommending her as our spokesperson back then.” Chaeun explained.

He froze.

“Then, there’s the way you looked at her this past year. Judging by your expression, I’m guessing I’m right.”

Daniel wondered if others knew. Clearly he hadn’t been careful enough.

“Sorry.” He whispered. 

“No, don’t be sorry. I am thankful for everything you’ve done. I’m even able to meet with Big Bang’s Seungri now.” She sighed.

Daniel nodded his head slowly. It felt nice hearing her say that.

“I’d rather not get concessions thrown at me either.” Chaeun joked wittily.

He chuckled along. 

“Why are you here? Did you get in a fight with her?” Chaeun inquired finally crouching down her eyes glued to her daughter.

Daniel nodded again. Unsure of how to even begin.

“I messed up.” He mumbled.

“Well, I’m sure it isn’t easy dating someone like you. It’s probably even more stressful considering she’s an idol.” 

Daniel glanced back towards her. Finding her advice, rather helpful. He began recounting a summary of what had happened.

“I messed up pretty bad didn’t I?” Daniel wondered aloud, slightly hoping for her to defend him.

Chaeun nodded. 

Daniel chuckled, slightly disappointed by her answer. 

“It sounds like you’re scared of finding the truth. That’s why you haven’t talked to her.” Chaeeun commented. “Why?”

“Because I’m scared it’ll be the same. That I’ll find out the same truth that I found out before.” Daniel answered. “But I can’t lose her. Unlike those in the past, she is too special to me.”

“It sounds like we both had crappy exes.” Chaeun remarked.

Daniel nodded. What was she trying to say?

“But, even from it, we both ended up being better for it.” She pointed towards Jinah who was still trying to launch the ball with her tiny frame. “I got a daughter who has been my joy in life, and you found a girl who’s different. Isn’t that why you fell for her?”

She had a point. Daniel knew she was right. He had fallen for the innocent eyes he had seen by the fountain that night. 

“So, if you know she’s different. Shouldn’t you treat her as different from your ex?” 

Jiyeon. Of course she was different from Hannah. He knew he should’ve trusted her.

The problem was her words after. 

"Let's not see each other for some time." 

...

It was a dream. Right?

It was all a terrible dream. The pain she felt inside, the side effect of a extended nightmare. 

“Jiyeon. You should wake up.” Inna knelt beside her, deep concern filling her eyes. 

She felt bad. She felt like a burden to her unnie.

Jiyeon shook her head. She wanted to sleep again. She wanted to avoid it all. The mistake she had made. 

“It’s been two days. Your manager will get in trouble if you keep hiding.” Inna tried to reason with her.

Jiyeon shook her head, the pain all but returning as she turned away. 

That night, why did she do that? Why did she push away the person she loved?

“Why did I do that?” She buried her face into the pillow. Tears flowing from her eyes onto the silk fabric.

“Jiyeon, if you keep crying you’re going to stain my pillows.” Inna scolded her gently.

Jiyeon turned back towards her friend.

“I don’t know why I did that? I still don't know why... I feel so miserable.” Jiyeon ranted. 

Her friend stood up and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“You did the right thing.” She whispered in a soothing voice.

Her hand ran over Jiyeon’s shoulder, gentle rubbing it. A physical assurance that Jiyeon needed at the moment.

“If you really started feeling miserable next to him. You should focus on you. You always worry too much about others. Just focus on you, Ok?” Inna begged.

Jiyeon reached to wipe her tears as she realized her friend was right.

She always felt lacking. Perhaps it was the depression, but she needed to face her own demons. She needed to prove to herself.

“You’re strong Jiyeon. Just believe in yourself.” Inna encouraged her cutely raising both of her fists.

Jiyeon nodded a grin finally forming on her lips. She mustered her strength and finally got out of bed. Well, technically it was Inna’s guest bedroom.

“Jieun brought porridge for you to eat.” Inna revealed. 

Jiyeon headed straight towards the shower.

“You told her what happened?” Jiyeon inquired out of curiosity.

Inna chuckled. “I’ll leave that to you, she just thought you were staying over because you were sick.”

Jiyeon couldn’t help but grin at the thoughtfulness of her friends. They truly were the best friends she could ask for.

“Whatever you do, just know that we’ll always be here to support you.” Inna reassured her.

Jiyeon sighed. She knew what she needed to do.

…

Her solo comeback wasn’t really getting anywhere, the company barely dedicating any resources to it at all.

Instead here she stood at the Hangang river. A place she had once frequented with him. 

It let her think, the calming waters, the warm memories of Daniel, always embeded in her heart.

But she wasn’t here just to think. Tonight she was here on business. The first step. Dissolve confusion.

“You wanted to see me?” Myungsoo inquired stepping from behind her. A black ball cap covering his handsome face, a small bandaid still remaining where he had been attacked.

Jiyeon nodded her head. After getting punched in the face by her boyfriend, she was somewhat surprised he had shown up.

“Thank you.” She swallowed clearing . 

Myungsoo lifted his cap slightly, his intense eyes staring towards her. He shook his head.

“Don’t do that.” He mumbled.

“Huh?” 

“Your tone. I know what you’re going to say already.” He repeated in disappointment.

“I’m thankful you helped me that night, but—”

“Did I cause a fight with him?” Myungsoo cut her off.

Jiyeon nodded hesitantly. She couldn’t hide the truth. He deserved to know.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized in a low voice. 

“No, it’s my fault. I should’ve told you.” She answered.

There was awkward silence as the subject hung between them.

Then Myungsoo sighed in a loud manner, that caused Jiyeon’s eyes to dart around them. Searching for anyone who might be watching.

“Wow, who would’ve thought huh?” He announced playfully. “I would’ve lost to the great Daniel Choi.”

Jiyeon chuckled.

It had never really been a battle. When she thought about it, Daniel had captured her heart since the moment they had first met. Back in Vegas all those years ago.

“He better treat you well then, Ok?” Myungsoo ordered. 

“Huh?” 

He grinned towards her. “You really don’t think highly of yourself. But you should be holding your head high more often. I’m sure he sees the same things that I see in you.”

Jiyeon stared in confusion. Her eyes unable to read the blank expression on his face.

“You’re cute, you’re funny, you’re caring, you’re humble, and you’re really really pretty. That’s why I liked you for so long." He confessed in confident tone. "But today I’m going to concede.” 

Jiyeon wondered how he could say those things so easily. Though, hearing them come from him. It certainly was nice to hear.

“Hold your head up high then ok?” Myungsoo reached forward, his hand making its way near her chin. But he stopped. 

Jiyeon noticing his intention, lifted her chin up. 

“Otherwise I’ll just feel more pathetic. Ok?” He was close to tears.

She could see small droplets of water forming around his almond shaped eyes. 

It made her feel guilty. Knowing her rejection was the cause.

Yet, she had to do it. She had someone she loved, if she wasn’t clear with her feelings, she’d regret it. This was the first step to growing.

... 2.6.2017

Daniel kept thinking back to the empty seat. The seat that had once been filled by his lover.

The entire arena had been packed to the brim with fans all cheering for him. Yet it felt empty.

He wondered if she really didn't want to see him again.

"Jenny I messed up." He whispered into the phone. 

He sat on his sofa, staring out into the city. His eyes gravitating to the large building being constructed in honor of the 2018 Olympics. He had already done his research in his spare time. Investing his own money into purchasing space. 

Investing, buying, getting more money. It all felt meaningless, but it was a past time to fill up the spare time he had. One could only workout so much.

"I should've bought the 48th floor too. From here I can see that the view would've been great. Square footage might've gone up at least 20% once people actually visited—"

"Oppa!" She interuppted him. "We both know you're not talking about real estate."

"You should go to her again. A break doesn't last forever. If you just apologize I'm sure—"

"Jenny. I remember it all now." He revealed. "Last time I was this way, I ruined someone's life. This time, I punched someone just because of my stupid jealousy."

Daniel thought back to that night. How he punched that idol.  

"Oppa, it was an accident. It wasn't your fault." 

"I can't. Jenny. I'm a monster... How could I forget?" He remarked. 

Daniel stared at his hands. What if he messed up again? Worse what if he hurt Jiyeon?

It was a wakeup call. It made him realize all of the arguments that Jiyeon had once made against them being together.

She was suffering and he couldn't do anything to help her.