Y/N'S POV

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I didn't understand why did Jungkook break up with his girlfriend. I already told him not to hurt her for many times. Did he knows how i feel about what happened? He just broke his more-than-2-years relationship and my heart is flooding me with guilt over it.

He said it wasn't my fault. What? It is my fault! It happens right after i told him, that i love him. If only i keep my feelings for him to myself, this would never happen and she wouldn't be hurt like this.

He said that his girlfriend has moved on. In a month?! It's hard for me to believe it. I believe women suffer more pain after a breakup because i've been there before. What makes me more feel guilty is i'm still in relationship with his hyung. I know deep down inside his heart, he wants me to break up with Taehyung but he always said he's okay with it. Maybe he thinks after they broke up, i would do the same. No! I just can't easily break up with him.

I was so angry with him and i ended up crying a lot at his house. I couldn't be mad at him because we just met after a long time and i missed him. I didn't want to argue with him anymore, i was so tired of my reality. I just wanna escape it and get away. I know running away from your problems is bad, but at this point I don’t give a damn. I don't want to hurt anyone, i'd rather hurt myself. It's just so stupid for asking his ex to meet me. We never met in person before. I'm just gonna tell her anything to make it better, even if i have to lie.

My manager texted me that she's already arrived at Jungkook's apartment, i bid him goodbye and went to the parking lot. I sat on passenger seat and sighed hard. I couldn't think straight right now. Too much things happened inside my head. Jungkook, his ex, Taehyung, my new album, etc.

"Well...", my manager seemed confused after she saw my face. She knew exactly what happened, shen knew there must be something bothers me.

"Eonnie, what should i do?", i looked at her. I really wanted to cry again but i know it wouldn't help me. I'm not weak.

"Do what you think is the best", she sighed and started to drive to my home.

"I feel like i want to dissapear from this world", i rubbed my hands over my face.

"Yah don't! If you're gone, my job will gone too. Who will pay me then?", my manager said jokingly.

"Hahaha eonnie!", i hit her arm lightly.

"Anyway, did you guys use protection?", she asked. I gasped when she asked that. "I just don't want you to get pregnant yet. Remember, your comeback is nearing".

"Eonnie!", i hit her again.

"What do you think people will expect when two healthy man and woman sleep under one roof?"

"What the hell?! Eonnie we didn't sleep together!", i hit her harder this time.

"Ouch yah! Why are you so irritable right now?!", she caressed her arm where i hit her.

"I don't know"

"It is the time of the month?"

"No, it should be a week ago"

"Don't think too much, Y/n-ah"

Yes, my period has been irregular since i debuted. I already went to my personal OB/GYN doctor and she said it's because i stressed a lot. Stress or even short-term anxiety about a specific problem can wreak havoc with my hormone balance, causing a missed period and irregular cycle. Plus i've been taking emergency contraceptive pills for mamy times so i'm getting used to have an irregular period.

"So... how's your thing with Jungkook?", eonnie asked while looking on the road. I furrowed my eyebrows, this is like the first time eonnie actually curious about my relationship.

"We're fine, i guess?", i also didn't know exactly what we are right now.

"Ugh i'm sorry to say this but..."

"Waeyo, eonnie?", i stared at her.

.

.

.

.

"Can you be more thoughtful to...Taehyung?"

I felt a pang in my heart. Sadness, guilt, unworthiness. I know since i told Jungkook that i love him, i feel kinda emotionally and physically distant with Taehyung. I haven't spent that much time with him. It makes me feel incredibly guilty to not be able to be fully in the moment with Taehyung like he deserves. When this came inside my head, i find myself really questioning about our relationship:

are we supposed to be together?

"Eonnie, i'm not really in the mood to talk about this right now", i grunted.

"Do you even still love him?", she raised her voice at me.

"Of course eonnie!", i slightly annoyed by her.

"Y/n-ah....you have to choose. As soon as possible", she soften her voice.

I know in the end, i have to pick one of them. Whether it's Taehyung, Jungkook, or maybe no one. Who knows? I'm also confused about what to do and has no idea how i got myself into this situation, much less how to get out of it. When it's about trying to narrow down my choice to one, it's a torture for me.

The car ride was filled with an awkward silence for a while, then she broke it.

"Y/n-ah...never forget a single act of kindness given by Taehyung, no matter how small. Remember, he is more than just your boyfriend. He's your best friend, your sidekick, your companion, your support system. He always cares about you. When you were in the worst mood or in the middle of panicking and he always says the right things to make it better. He's not afraid to make a fool of himself just to make you giggle. He has never had to pretend to be anyone but him around you, you said to me that you always feel comfortable around him because that's the person you've fallen in love with."

"Eonnie...s..stop"

The she continued, "....anytime you've been stressed or overwhelmed, you always went to him first. He's helping you to be strong even when you feel like you're at your breaking point. He loves your family and always try his best to please them. He always says to me how much blessed he is to have such an amazing girlfriend like you. He always says to me that you are the most important person in this planet, in his life", eonnie looked close to tears when she said those words.

Every single one of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Why do I keep crying? Why won't my tears stop? I was sobbing so hard. Those words hit me like an unexpected punch in the gut. I can't feel anything now, not a thing. I had suddenly lost my voice and was not sure if i could say anything. 

Then my manager continued, "You guys are meant to be together".

I covered my face with my hands, i don't really know what to say right now. Hearing those words from the person you trust so much is painful, because all of them was true.

"Please, Y/n-ah, just leave Jungkook and be with Taehyung"

~*~

I took a shower right after i went inside my apartment. It is so difficult to accept the pain of our emotions. I know If i try to push it away, avoid it, ignore it, it actually triggers me other painful emotions, resulting in more emotional pain. I’m having worry thoughts about what this means for our relationship. I’m feeling like I want to cry again, my throat is tightening up.

"Oh my God, what should i do?", i said to myself as I closed my eyes. I grabbed a towel and started to dress myself. Now i slowly regret why would i want to meet Jungkook's ex, i'm not in the mood anymore. Should i just cancel it?

Just then my phone started ringing. It was Taehyung, the person who i shamelessly betrayed. His profile picture when he called me was one of him and me, laughing. I could not count how many times we had been together like that, without any care in the world, not even our celebrity life, just happy to be with each other. For some reason, for the first time, i felt anger towards myself, for betraying Taehyung.

I let my phone ringing. He called me again and again. I was about to switch off my phone, when i read a pop up on my phone. It was messages from Taehyung. The messages read,

Taehyung: Hi baby, what are you doing? I just want to remind you, don't forget to eat and smile :)

Taehyung: Call me back quickly if you can. I love you.

He loves me.

There were tears again in my eyes. I really hate myself. I know it happens because of my ego or stupidity or breakage. Or because of my smugness or ignorance or the need to know ‘what else is there’. It happens because of arrogance or a lack of self-control or because of that thing in all of me that wants to feel adored or as though we matter. It happens because there’s a moment when the opportunity for this to happen is wide open and full of aliveness and temptation and it’s exciting and it’s there and it acts like it can keep a secret and as though it won’t’ do any damage at all.

I ignored all of his calls and messages. I called Jungkook's ex girlfriend to cancel the plan as i tried to calm myself. After a few ringings, she finally picked it up.

"Hey", I said.

"Hello, Y/n-ssi"

"I...i'm really sorry something's came up, so i can't meet you today", i bit my nails.

"Oh it's okay, Y/n-ssi"

"Um...okay"

"Okay?"

"Okay thank you. Bye"

"Bye, Y/n-ssi"

What the hell was that? My head is not working properly right now. I realized that I haven’t really got a good grip on myself and I still put everyone before me. I know some people have to lie to protect the feelings of others and spare someone else pain or hurt. I have to lie to manipulate a situation. What we say has an effect on others and even well-intended lies are a form of manipulation. I looked up my phone and ready to message her. I knew everything i just wrote was a total bull, I knew i'd break my heart again.

But it's just the best for all of us...

Y/n: Actually, i just want you to know that Jungkook still loves you

Y/n: Can you make it works again and get back together with him?

~*~

(Time skip: weekend)

Taehyung and i were getting ready to go to his hometown, Daegu. We were always excited when we traveled outside the Seoul. We choose to drive with car instead of using airplanes, because we both like the feelings when we spent lot of time on the road together. It takes approximately 3 hours to drive from Seoul to Daegu, or maybe more because we'd like to stop whenever we saw a good view or restaurants along the trip. We found this Kimchi Jjigae house so we stopped by and had lunch, of course we wore our mask to cover ourself. After we left the restaurant, we walked past a small bridge with a beautiful view, and Taehyung took his camera out.

He always took an opportunity to take the beautiful scenery of every place that we have vis