Possibilities

Chapter 6

Another long one, but it is a very important chapter. 

Moonbyul's POV

There was a gap in the journals that went from November 1868 to March of 1869. I do know that Solar's sister, Suzy, married in December of 1868. 

By may of 1869, the wedding preparations were in full swing. Solar had her dress fitted and picked her bridesmaids. They were her sister Suzanne, her friend Wendyline Son and Stephanie Young a cousin of hers. Many of the journal entries went over the details of the wedding which Solar seemed to write with little enthusiasm. 

As the wedding got closer and closer she made an effort not to mention her attraction to women. I think she's trying to push it out of her mind. She speaks of going to church a lot in those days. Her husband to be is mentioned frequently. But he also reported to be in London, working at the Trading house frequently. Solar says he works late hours sometimes and thus has a small room near his work were he can sleep. That saves him from having to travel all the way back to the Nam Manor when he's tired. 

He also joined one of those exclusive clubs that they talk about. Men sitting around smoking cigars, talking business, playing cards, that sort of thing. It's called Hallcroft club and Eric also seems to spend a lot of time there as well. 

Much to my dismay, Eric does have some effect on Solar. He always seems to go out of his way to be charming and gracious. He regularly gives her compliments and little gifts. She spoke of a tiny figurine he had brought back from China he had given her. 

I actually found a small curved figure of an elephant in the chest with Solar's stuff. It looks oriental and it must have been the gift. 

When he works his charms and fills her with his sweet talk, she becomes more receptive to marrying him. I find myself not liking him. Not simply because he's engaged to Solar, but I get the impression he's a phoney. The words, silver-tongued devil, come to mind. 

Solar though doesn't love him, but believes that he truly is a great guy. She further believes that she can grow to love him. So in retrospect she is grateful she's marrying a handsome, adventurous, intelligent, charming and honest man. 

But I think she's being a bit naive. 

June 22nd, 1869. 

Eric came calling today and took me for an early evening walk through the park. The full moon was out and it was in fact very romantic. It had been the first I'd seen him in nearly a week. His work with the trading house taking up so much much of his time. He told me that my beauty was even more enhanced by the glimmering light of the moon. He likes to say I'm pretty and how charming I am. 

It feels good to be complemented so often. It helps me know that I will come to love him and will be happy as his wife. I tell myself that I am just nervous and once it is past and I settle into the role of wife, I will come to enjoy it. The way he looks at me, he does seem truly smitten. 

He speaks of the wonderful parties we shall have and how I will meet all the upper crust of British society. He speaks of travels we shall make. He has a way with words. I find myself getting caught up in it. They give me hope.

In the weeks and days up to the wedding, Solar kept telling herself that --- That she would fall in love and they would live happily ever after. But I could read between the lines, as I knew her now. Deep down she was depressed and she felt trapped. The whole situation depressed the hell out of me as well. 

In that time I realized the photo I have was of her in her wedding dress. It was taken a week before the wedding. Hence that faint look of sadness that I picked up on when I first saw it. 

Solar was married to Eric Nam on July 10th, 1869, in a ceremony that took place at a church near the Nam estate. 

July 10th, 1869. 

Today I am Mrs. Yongsun Solarea Ferrer Nam. The marriage took place at St. Andrew's Church which is on the outer edge of Herford. It is a bigger and more opulent church than St. Michaels, which is my parish. Thankfully, it was a bright and sunny day, and all the arrangements went off without a hitch. 

The party at the Nam mansion afterwards was a grand celebration. I even met a distant cousin of Queen Victoria, plus several members of the parlement. 

All the well wishers were very kind and accepting. My father even pulled out his old uniform and put it on for the occasion. Though he filled it out a little more than he used to. I can't help but feel some sadness as my mother could not see me be wed. 

Now I can go on with my life and be happy. Push those sinful thoughts away forever.

Though Solar sounded happy and upbeat in her entry, I knew she really wasn't. She was probably more depressed than I once was I realized she had been married. At least I could go quietly to the pub and get drunk and I did just that. 

As I expected, she found the less than satisfying. 

July 11th, 1869. 

We were so exhausted after the wedding that we both fell sound asleep as soon as we retired to bed. Today was our first day of men and wife. We went riding for a time and spent time packing for our honeymoon. His father rented a small castle in Scotland. 

He is sleeping now as I'm write this. Only a short while ago we consummated our marriage. I was hoping it would be more like with Miss Son. But his touch was rough and did not make my heart stir. The was painful and I bled some. 

Strangely those compliments he would so often give me were lacking during our lovemaking. But I did my duty and preformed as any wife should. But that's all it was --- a duty. I made love to my lawfully wedded husband wich in the eyes of God is without sin. But why do I feel so empty... why do I long for a softer touch... why do I feel so disgusted by his touch. Like all things in this marriage, I'm sure I will grow accustomed to it.

Solar wrote sparsely in the period after the wedding. She did write again how with Eric felt like a chore and nothing else. 

Solar settled into the Nam estate and his parents had moved out. Solar found herself living in the large home with all these servants. She felt a bit overwhelmed at first but managed to adapt. 

They threw a few large parties and did hobnob with the rich, but it didn't take long for Eric's true colors to start showing. For starters, he would spend many nights working late. On those one's he would stay at his small apartment near the trading house. He did explain that the business was quite large and needed a lot of attention to be run properly. He also took a few business trips to various parts of the country. 

Eric would spend a lot of time at the club and most of the time was spent gambling. 

By December of 1869, Solar realized that Eric gambled very frequently. An other thing she quickly noticed that he would many a night he would come home stumbling drunk. She, as a proper wife, dared not to bring such things up to him. What she did learn was via correspondence he would leave on his desk from time to time. They were notes detailing the money he owned in gambling debts. 

Solar didn't think much of it at first. But at this time his true colors started to show, he at the same time started to lose interest in a way. Gradually Solar felt more and more alone. Even when he was there. Besides being distant, he seemed to resent her presence slightly. Solar did the best she could. She spent many of hours riding her horse or drawing. She also spent many of hours in the library reading books and occasionally making social calls to neighbors. Though none of them she considered a close friend. 

Much to my further dismay, in early 1870, Solar found out that she was pregnant. It temporarily lifted her her spirits, but not all that much. In fact, they fell even further when Solar began to suspect that Eric had a mistress.

It started with her finding that his jacket smelled faintly of parfume. A perfume she did not recognize. At this point she started to pay attention to the rumors and talk around her and trough bits and pieces she would hear from various people in the town and talk by the servants it became clear.

May 1st, 1870.

I wonder if my husband will be home at all this week. He claims that work has been keeping him very, very busy. But these days, he seems to find any excuse not to be around me. I had such hopes that I could find happiness in this marriage if only I tried. But now I only find loneliness and misery. It is as if my swollen belly repulses him.

I've seen him avert his eyes when I have to undress in the privacy of our room. I ask him to at least take me out to a play or some function. I've hardly gone out at all since I found out that I was bearing a child. But he says that a woman who is with a child should remain in the home and it is not proper to go out in such condition.

I suspect if I was with him, he could not do what HE wants t