All the excitement form yesterday has morphed into butterflies fluttering anxiously in my tummy as I sit down for Christmas dinner. The day so far has been good, or so I feel. I was spacing in and out of reality as I looked for opportunity to present itself so I could come out.

Note to self: Never try to plan coming out down to the moment.

It hasn’t been that long since I realized my queerness and trying to make my parents understand the queerness is a task I am not up for. It’s either coming out now or coming out after getting Jeonghan back and I am starting to think the latter might be a good option after all. But I cannot say the same for my brother.

My brother has been giving me knowing, urging looks whole day and it does not stop now as he sits in front of me for dinner.

My mum, sitting on my brother’s right, continues chattering about this and that as I and my brother engage in silent battle. There is a moment in which I know I lost as my brother smirks and looks at Mum and then at Dad, who is sitting to my left.

“Mum, Dad. There is something Cheol wanted to tell you.”

“Oh, go on honey. What is it?” my Mum looks lovingly at me.

My mind goes blank as I fail to collect my thoughts. I love my brother, but I honestly hate him when he puts me on the spot like this.

“You don’t want to quit college, do you?” my Dad asks seriously.

“What- uh- No? Why would I want to quit college?”

“Oh! Well, you see, your father and I have been worried about you. Usually when you come home you don’t shut up about college and this time you have hardly said anything about your college or your friends.”

It seems my parents are not as clueless to my emotions as I thought them to be. As I look at my dad and my mum I feel a sense of guilt for making them worry.

“Cheol, is something troubling you? Are you unhappy with your internship?” Dad enquires.

“No, everything is alright! Trust me. My internship went great, the professors have been supportive, college is fine and I have no plans on quitting college, Dad!” I chuckle

“Then what is it?” Dad asks.

I look back and forth between my parents and then at my brother. He looks at me for a moment before raising his eyebrows as if to say “Go for it”. I have thought of all the possible outcomes and prepared myself for this moment over and over again. But I feel severely unprepared as my family continues looking at me, waiting.

I take a deep breath and my lips as I prepare myself.

Time to take a leap.

“I… uh- I like someone.” I mumble

“Oh” says Dad, glancing at my brother.

“That’s… That’s great, Cheol.” my Mum too glances at my brother, “Is she someone we know?”

Here it goes.

“It is someone you know, Mum but they are not a she” my ears start ringing as I continue, “The person I like is a boy, not a girl.”

Their reaction takes a moment as they let the information sink in. Dad looks down on his plate and sighs while Mum, she sits back in her chair as she continues looking at me with stunned expression.

I said what I had to say and now I am clueless on what I should do next. As my heart keeps pounding I wait for them to react in some way. What should I do?! Give them an explanation about my uality or are they expecting a detailed story on how and who I fell in love with or should I just pretend I made a casual announcement and continue with dinner?

Dad decides to do the latter as he picks up his chopsticks and continues eating. Soon all of us follow his lead as the minutes pass in silence. The tension in the room is obvious and more than a little awkward. By the time Mum excuses herself to kitchen for dessert, I am suffocating with anticipation. She serves us dessert and I mumble a quite ‘thank you’ before we continue to eat in silence. A few, very long minutes pass before Dad clears his throat which gets our attention.

“So… So are you gay now?” he asks awkwardly, not looking up from his plate.

“uh- Not exactly. I think I am more of demi…ual.”

At this, everyone looks up at me. My parents look up in confusion and my brother in amusement because he knows what is coming.

I take a deep breath before I continue.

“It means that I need to feel a deep… hmm… connection with the person for me to be attracted to them.”

After a moment my mum asks, “But- but isn’t it obvious that you need to know the person well before you like them?”

I can see that my brother is trying to hide his chuckles as I try to calm my mind I order to make my parents understand.

“Yes, that is true but…Okay, let me give you an example, do you remember hyung’s first girlfriend in college?”

My parents nod and my brother looks at me like ‘Why are you getting me into this?’

“So do you remember how he fell for her?”

“Something about her smile when she waved at her friends sitting behind Seungmin.” Mum grinned looking at my brother,