Sehun went into a drunken stupor. He lost count of the number of shots he drank. He remembered emptying the first bottle and the rest of his memories turned hazy.

Try as he might the feelings he thought he’ll bury under bottles and bottles of scrumpy kept resurfacing.

Over the next few hours, he tried to drink it down, but it didn’t help that much.

He couldn’t.

Visions of Haru haunted him. They were mostly the same. Her words rang in his ears numerous times, and it doesn’t seem to fade away.

Sehun hates to cry. It’s a messy business, one that involves a horrid fluctuation of tangled emotions and indescribable feelings, and it makes him feel utterly terrible, to be quite truthful. It makes him feel weak and he hates being weak.

He stood up shakily, grabbing his car keys that was tossed on his bed. He wanted to drive to her house and talk to her.

There is a tunnel and fury burning deep within his gut. He felt angry.

He wanted to shake her, ask her why she’d believed his father and let go of him so easily after all they’d shared; how she could have listened to all the lies and think that she wasn’t the right person for him? There is a bench, there is right and wrong, past and future, present and what can never be. To him, Haru is the right, his present and his future.

Sehun losing his ability to love, for good, would be a true nightmare. No one had been sure he could love in the first place, but for him to lose it?

**

He entered the code to her unit and the door alarm beeped.

“Wrong pass code. Please enter again,”

He entered it the second time and the alarm beeped again.

“Wrong pass code. Please enter again,”

Desperate now, he pounded his fists against the door furiously, calling out her name. She didn’t answer.

“Kim Haru! Do you have a death wish?” Sehun put every ounce of bitterness he could muster in those words. “Open the door!” He pounded his palms roughly against the door several times.

She didn’t respond.

His intensity of his aggression later reduced. Unsteady, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against the door, finally giving up, “Please,”

His palms spread wide, his nails raked into the hard material. “I love you. Do you hear me? I love you,” Sehun said, as if he knows that she’s standing right behind it, listening to everything.

“Let me see you,” He choked. There was a burning in his eye and he couldn’t hold it back anymore. “I want to see you. Please,”

Pressed her back against the other side, Haru breathed heavily as tears streamed down her face.

Haru used to think the worst feeling in the world is losing someone she love. But she was wrong.

The worst feeling in the world is the moment that you realize you’ve lost yourself.

It had shattered her heart into pieces, as well, although he’d never know it. She walked towards her bedroom, and after slamming the door shut behind her, locking it twice, she finally gave in to the pain that tortured her, threatening to rip her apart.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice broken. “I’m so sorry,”

//

“Oh God, not another shot.” Chanyeol patted him on the back in a desperate attempt to stem the flow. He knew that deep down Sehun wasn't taking it so well.

He was chugging down vodka like a madman trying to suppress her memory and her  voice. But no matter how much he drank he couldn’t get rid of it.

“Stop it,” Kai said, his voice, growing concerned for his friend. “You’re going to be sick if you keep drinking,”

Sehun let out a drunken chuckle. “What does it matter?” he asked. “I get to  forget about everything for a while.”

He had that constant hounded look, his eyes turning glassy. “But you know what’s the worse part? I can’t forget her even when I’m drunk,”

He rubbed his hand down his face before he brought the bottle to his lips and took another long sip. "I;m not pathetic. I'm not a silly romantic. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I just want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe,"

Tears welled up in his eyes as he spoke out the words, “But it hurts so much. I shouldn’t have met her. I shouldn’t have brought her to my life.” He swallowed the acid taste in his throat. “I never cared about keeping myself in check. I never did,”

He looked up, his teary eyes void of any emotions, “But I hurt the people I love the most, isn’t it? It’s what I do.”

Chanyeol looked at him, his own heart felt constricted for his friend. “Its who you are,”

//

The subway was filthy and the reek of urine and unwashed body stifled the air, making it warm and toxic. Sitting across from Haru there was a man in tattered, stained clothing, his brown eyes milky and unfocused. He was mumbling words she didn’t understand to someone only he could see.

Haru is going home.

For the past year, home meant the expensive unit she resided in. But it wasn’t hers to begin with, and since she decided to cut ties with Sehun, she thought it was appropriate to give back what’s his.

As the train entered a tunnel, the lights flickered on. She remembered the place she grew up in. There’s something beautiful about the old shabby house. Or maybe, she just missed her mother.

Hours later, she stepped out into the bright Boseong sunshine, breathing deeply. She passed houses that looked like pencils all bunched together; tall and narrow. Some were painted white, others were brightly colored. There were as many that looked run down that looked renovated and cared for. She walked by coffee shops, vintage clothing stores, book stores, record stores; she passed street kids with their dogs, and tourists gawking at the places they had only heard about in history books.

She looked up at the bright blue sky. Sehun is a bit farther away from her now.

What is he doing now? Did he sleep? If he did, what did he dream of? Did she appeared in his dreams?

Tears started to pool in her eyes. She shook her head. It doesn’t matter. She needs to move on. He would be on the other side of the world. She hoped the sunrise here is brighter there and the people kinder.

//

When Sehun wakes up with a heavy feeling, sunk like a rock in the pit of his stomach, and the unusual burning of something beneath his eyelids, he knows that this day is going to be an entire mess and that he should never had gotten out of bed.

He’s not entirely sure why he feels like he’s about to burst into a brilliant show of truly spectacular tears any minute now, doesn’t really want to know either but he has this sort of burning in his chest that makes it heavy and itch beyond belief. His eyes burning and stinging in a way that is both familiar and unfamiliar because how long has it been since he last cried?

He heard a series of knocks at his door, and after a while, Mr Han appeared with a bunch of files in his hands. “Good morning,” he greeted.

Sehun sprawled in his bed, his head still throbbing in pain. "What is it? If it is nothing important, get-"

"You have to attend two meetings today," the secretary started, scrolling through his notepad.

"I'm not attending anything today," he said, rubbing his temples. He got up from his bed, and reached for a bottle of bourbon beside his nightstand. He shuddered as the alcohol hit the back of his throat. He closed his eyes, swallowing the burning liquid down. Honestly, he didn't really like the drink, he just wanted to block the whole world out with alcohol and leave it all behind. He set his glass down, staring down at the floor. "Mr. Han, tell me a few names of people who gave up their throne for love,"

The secretary creased his brows, a small sad smile formed in his face, "Over the years, your father had many share of friends, enemies, losses, and triumphs. But with time, they all begin to run together, and you will find the real moments are vibrant." He moves to take the bottle away from Sehun's hand.

"The rest just fades away. Your pain will fade," he assured non convincingly.

Sehun let out a mocking chuckle, "Fade? Pain is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes a part of you, every step for step, every breath for breath. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?"