She choose her best dress and combed her hair nicely. She grinned the entire day, looking at Lay’s text message. He invited her to watch a movie together. Since then, she practiced countless number of conversation topics in her mind to keep her chatty throughout the date.

She sat in front of the dressing table, taking a deep breath, staring at her reflection. She shut her eyes in annoyance looking at the huge pimple sitting on her cheek for days. She grabbed her compact powder and start concealing her zit.

“You look pretty.” A familiar voice rang in her head.

She froze midway, with the compact cushion pressed against her cheek. Her brain is so busy with Sehun’s thoughts, its a swarm in her mind. She picture him calling her name, and giving her a very dangerous key.

I’d like you anyway, he says. I’m on your side, he guaranteed.

He allowed her to do whatever she wants. He assured her that she will be liked no matter what she does. He set no limit, no boundary, no condition. Why would she do anything if she was given the key? If she knows she is loved no matter what, why would she do anything at all? Is that wrong? She don’t even know anymore.

It is a dangerous thing, to be loved so fearlessly like that.

She took a deep breath and shakes her head, “I don’t have to feel sorry. Its not like I’m cheating on him,” She mumbled. “I said nothing. I promised nothing. I don’t have to feel guilty.”

She continued to ignore his voice although she couldn’t deny the twinge of guilt in her heart.

//

“Do you want to watch that one?” Lay asked, pointing to a romantic movie poster. She nods her head reluctantly, faking a cheerful smile. Truth to be told, Haru hates romantic movies. She finds them extremely cheesy. Instead she finds the zombie thriller movie to be far more interesting than the one Lay suggested. But she agreed anyway, not wanting to sound demanding.

She yawned a couple of times for the duration of the entire movie. She find the plot to be extremely mediocre, with plain acting from both lead, and the excessive love dialogue made her squeamish. She particularly finds the female lead character to be very annoying; a typical dumb damsel in distress.

Maybe that’s what boys like, she thought. Damsel in distress, a girl who’s always a victim. A clueless cute girl with no sense of independence or individuality. She’s far off from it, she thought, although she can do the distress part quite well.

Lay sneaked a few side glances at her, without her noticing. She is bored, he thought. Her eyes looked vacant and it is evident that she hates the movie. He chuckled seeing her. She was the first one to stand when the movie credits start rolling. It seems like she can’t wait for the movie to finish.

“Do you want to grab something to eat?” Lay asked. Before she could answer, her stomach betrayed her by making a growling noise, much to her dismay. She covered her belly with her hands, and nodded embarrassingly, “Yes, please.”

**

She sat across him, while glancing at the rest of the people in the sleek restaurant. Some of them were clearly couples. They were holding hands while siting side by side, the girls occasionally rest their head on the guy’s shoulder. She then peeked at Lay, and wondered what is their relationship. She clearly likes him, but she doesn’t know if he feels the same.

Despite her efforts to stay chatty, the conversation topics seem to run out fast. Lay wasn’t much of a talker, she observed. He ate his food in silence, occasionally glancing the window.

“Did you like the movie?”he asked suddenly. He his head slightly, smiling at her. She nodded, “Yes.”

He looked at her, as if he knew she was lying. He arched his eyebrow, “Really?”

She broke into a smile, sighing in defeat, “No, I didn’t like it,” she admitted, “I don’t like romance movies,”

“Why didn’t you say earlier?”

She smiles again, shaking her head. Though she was having a blissful moment of being happy and content, she also had one of those stray ideas you get at odd moments. She thought, how nice it would be if Sehun was there too. He'd would say something snappy or sarcastic, but he'd enjoy the moment. She smiles inwardly thinking about it.

“You’re thinking about someone else, aren’t you?” Lay asked. She lifts her head almost immediately, “No.”

He looked amused seeing her sudden defensiveness, smiling almost too fondly. “Do you like me?” He asked, eyes piercing hers. She fell silent, avoiding his gaze. She looked at her tightly clenched fist on her lap.

“You do, right?” he replied himself, monotonously. “But you don’t get to be yourself when you’re with me.”

He tapped his fingers on the table, his eyes staring somewhere else. “It’s difficult, is it not?”He asked, almost as a whisper. It sounded like he asked the question to himself, “Pretending to be someone else, trying to win favors. It might look effortless now, but if you have to do it for a long time, it’ll tire you out.”He laughed meekly, “Trust me, I have experience in this. It wears me out too. Pretending to be someone I’m not.”

Haru swallows hard, trying to brush off the sudden stab of pain. Is he rejecting her? Lay saw the sudden change in her facial expression. She looked grim and sullen.

“I think when you like someone, you should be natural. You should feel natural.” He said not looking at her, “If you don’t, maybe I’m not the one for you.”

 It felt like he was telling her in a most polite way as possible.

“Are you okay?”He asked, concerned with her silence.

“Yes. I’m okay,”

I’m not okay. She wanted to cry out, but no tears came, so she sat there staring blankly at her own sweaty palms, feeling her heart break into pieces.

“This spaghetti is spicy,” She said, jokingly, trying to enlighten the mood. But her voice was too shaky. “I have to go,” She said, standing up, “Thanks for the food, and for the movie.”

“I can drop you, it’s getting late,” he offered, looking guilt stricken. He stands up too, reaching for her hand, “I’m sorry if I offended you,”

She shakes her head, hiding her hand behind her back, “No, you didn’t. I’ll take the bus. Thank you,” She said, pausing a while.“Lay.”

//

She waited in the bus stop, blankly staring at the passing cars and bikes. It shouldn’t hurt this much. She been to only 2 dates with him, it shouldn’t hurt this much. She was afraid of being rejected so bluntly, but she was more afraid to be accepted for the wrong reason.

If you kept holding on, you’ll be more miserable. The truth is better than a lie.

The wind messes her hair, but she couldn’t bother to sweep it away. She stood there for long, not knowing how long she waited for the bus. She felt her heart constrict a bit, feeling as though she might cry.

A fancy black car passes her swiftly, but stopped in the track and reversed back to the spot.

“Haru!”

She was oblivious to the surroundings, draining in her thoughts when she heard her name being called again.

“Kim Haru!”

She turns her head and saw Sehun, calling her name out. “Get in,” he gestured, and she followed wordlessly, opening the car door and sitting beside him.

She was in the verge of tears when she saw him. Out of all other people, why must she see him now.

Her inhale was shaky, her nose and cheeks turns red. “Are you sick?” Sehun asked, seeing the change in color of her face, whilst driving.

“No,” she whispered, and then felt her eyes tear up. Mortified, she rubbed at them, sniffling and trying to keep herself under control.

He pulled the car to the side of the road and turned to look at her,“Something happen?” he asked softly.

And that was it, all the self control she exerted over the past hour not to cry went like water crashing through a broken dam.

Sehun was taken aback with the sudden outburst, not knowing what to do. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked tenderly, clearly looking blank.

“I want to go home,” she said amidst her sob.

Haru was thankful that he didn’t ask anything after that, as he speedy drove her to her home.

***

The sudden urge to cry had faded away – thankfully without actually resulting in mascara streaking down her face – although she was still slightly red-faced from her earlier emotional breakdown.

Sehun was in her kitchen, going through a bunch of medicines to find the sleeping pill, because it looked like she needed one.

She was on her bed, wrapped in her blanket, her mind goes back to what happened. Her eyes were b with tears again, and her face felt hot. There are times you just can’t stop crying, it seems like the more you cry, the more you feel the pain. Maybe that’s why Haru refrain herself from crying; because the pain won’t subside.

“Don’t cry. You crying for another man would be the last thing I want to see.”

She looked at him, when he hands a glass of water and the pill, “Take this,” he said, “It might help you to get some sleep.”

“Everyone’s leaving,” she uttered sadly.

“Not me,” Sehun reminded. She looks at him and he smiled reassuringly.

“Nights like this are the worst, you think over every mistake you’ve made, every hurt you’ve received, every bit of meanness you’ve dealt out. There’s no profit in it, no point to it, and you need sleep.” he said, tucking her back to bed.

He sat beside her lying figure and reach out his hand to hold hers, but he stopped midway, instead he extended his pinky finger to touch her fingernail. She stirred upon the contact and finally she’d asked, “Are you not going to ask me to move on? To tell me that this is going to get better?”

“No,”He shakes his head, “I’m not going to tell you that, its okay not to feel okay.” He stifled a smile, “I just want to tell you that I’m here for you. I’ll stay with you.”

Beneath the miasma of sadness, she felt a little lighter. She felt rather funny too. Oh Sehun, the guy who have troubles understanding people is the one comforting her. And somehow it did work.

Maybe it was the sleeping pill that started working, her mind couldn’t comprehend what she was saying, and everything else turns a bit blurry.

“Always?” she asked him, her smile fading.

“Always.” he answered.

“Even if it’s decades?”

“Hmm,”he nodded, “ Even decades.”

Because she sounded so lost-the Haru he knew had never been one to break, she was always comforting him, she was always bright. He patted around under the covers for her hand. When he found it, he slid his own over it. Her palm was turned up to meet his palm, and her fingers clasped his. And though he would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a girl, that's exactly what he did.