Song #6

I can’t tell you about me, who wants to reach your heart

(but) even if I can't have you,

even when my heart is blocked in the end by the wall of sad connection,

I love you, because you are my everything – Quasimodo.

At 8 o'clock in the night, inside the kitchen and accompanied by the background music and the smell of the food still permeating the walls, I tried not to think about this dinner with emotion, but my anxious heart kept beating at its own rhythm because this was the first time we could eat alone. It was comforting to think that tonight you had dinner at your home, a homemade dinner, and not at your work after the normal time. The boys were not here tonight and I didn't know if that was just a coincidence, or a plan they didn't want to admit over the phone, but the small moments like this were the most significant ones for me, and I hoped that they would be for you as well.

"I assure you that you're ready to be a stay-at-home husband, Onew." After leaving the documents in your room, Sam's joke about my appearance still made me laugh as I placed the dishes on the shelves again, because apparently, my wool vest over my shirt was the example of how the perfect husband should dress. "Really. You two should get married right now. You have the perfect image of the husband waiting for his wife to come home from work."

"Could you tell her that? Because i would marry her tonight." I answered, and she chuckled, but when I turned to her, I saw her thoughtful expression before she could change it. It seemed that Sam was refraining from saying anything else that was in her mind, almost bothering her. "Are you okay, Sam?"

"Onew..." She hesitated slightly, looking directly at me. "Can I ask you a question?"

Her sudden seriousness took me by surprise, but I nodded so that Sam knew that she could ask me anything. As soon as I did it, she looked into the hallway quickly to see if there was any sign of you before speaking.

"Does Luna know anything about Juliette? I mean... about the true story after the accident."

Nobody but my members and my managers knew the history behind our engagement, and even so, it scared me to just think that someone else could know and use it against you and the new life you were living. The rumors spread quickly due to fame, and they could hurt you easily, that was why I never told anyone else, not even Luna, even if I trusted her after so many years working for the company. Well... maybe now I had my doubts, but i wanted to be wrong because she was not a bad person in my eyes.

"Only the people who needed to know know it. Why do you ask?"

"I'm just asking." She shrugged her shoulders with a calm expression. "Everyone knows that you and Luna have a good and long friendship, so I thought maybe you told her about Juliette."

But her expression of calm went beyond just that, and she almost looked like you, angel; hiding her curiosity behind her false disinterest.

"I know Luna and Juliette had a problem, but she is a good friend."

My words didn't seem serious to her, and after hearing them, Sam smiled sideways, almost sarcastically as she seemed to be mocking my innocent words.

"I think I already know why Juliette likes you, Onew: it's definitely because you remind her that innocence still exists in this world."

"Does Juliette like me?!"

Her hands moved frantically in the air to silence me as she looked over her shoulder toward the hall, but my mind stopped processing her words after she placed the word me, you, and the verb like in the same sentence. It was too much to understand in such a short time, especially because, as was natural in you due to old hurts of the past, you didn't let see you much of your feelings, angel.

"I think she likes you because somehow, you've become something of a deja vu for her." Sam smiled sadly, her eyes on the floor because she felt your pain in her skin. "It's a bit difficult to see her try to discover something she will never know. Sometimes I feel that she senses it, she knows it, but at the same time Juliette has no idea why she has those thoughts about knowing you. It's like there's a labyrinth in her mind, it's like watching her walk in circles. I tell you all this so you can understand her because i know she is... insecure about you, but don't feel bad about that, okay? Although she still doesn't know if the kindness of the people is always sincere, with you everything is different: she likes you because you are so positive despite the difficulties, she says that your smile is so genuine, she also likes it a lot when you sing for yourself here in the dorm or in the car back home. It is something natural, according to her words. I know she likes you, but be patient, okay? When she is ready she will come to you."

After hearing Sam's words I felt that the path of healing would be very long, angel, full of curves and obstacles, but, although I was about to sink into her words that described that your mind still had a dark hole that you didn't know how to fill, because nobody ever told you the truth about your life, I understood two things about us: that I was the memory that you tried to remember - and that part of me hurt your mind - and that without realizing it, I was approaching you because you were letting me into your life.

"I thought many times about letting her go, Sam, and believe me I would do it even if that kills me inside. Many times I had that fear; to become the shadow of a memory that will follow her until she knows the truth about me, but, although I know that she will never be able to remember me, even if she never knows what she means to me, I assure you, I promise that I will I love her sincerely. For me, Juliette is the only one in my life, she means the world to me. And I know that, if she lets me in, I can make her happy, Sam. The only thing I ask God is to allow us to live a life together."

Sam sighed, as if my words had managed to take a weight off her shoulders. The corners of her lips curved into a smile, and she nodded, as if her soul finally felt at peace.

"Well... do you know Juliette loves ice cream? Maybe if you give her a little, you'll have an excuse to sit there with her... waiting. Goodbye." She waved, turning around to leave the kitchen, leaving me here with a confused expression until I understood her words.

"Goodbye. Thank you!"

"You're welcome!" She said, finally closing the door.

The hands of the clock kept moving, and I felt the beating of my heart in a place near my throat as I took one of the oreo ice cream sandwich from the refrigerator, and then I walked down the hall, with a feeling of nervousness inside of me, so natural like breathing every time it was just you and me while the others were away. And standing in front of the door of your room just after knocking, I wondered if this feeling would accompany me forever, because I liked it.

"Come in."

I pushed the half-open door of the dark room, and sitting in front of the computer on the desk, you stopped being the president of the company - the person your father turned you into - to be who you were inside these walls again, because elegant and formal clothing was not your thing.

"This is for you."

You smiled innocently when you took the bag, because you were the person who was happy with the little details like this. And you thanked me as I sat in the chair next to yours, noticing that your loose, pink-dyed hair made you look so small again, so comfortable with your blue sweater that was your favorite. Your tired eyes smiled after eating part of the ice cream, only to then extend to me your left hand that held the frozen cookie.

"You didn't bring one for you," You said, before I could say that the ice cream was only for you. "You have to bite it."

I placed my hand over your hand, my fingers covered yours and part of the engagement ring that I gave you 3 days ago, and you let me guide you to my mouth. After that, you bite again, giving half of your attention to the computer and the complicated model of a white building made in 3D with floors that varied in size.

"Is it a hotel?"

You shook your head.

"It's a hospital, actually, but I'm glad it doesn't look like one."

"Is the company building a hospital?"

After cleaning your lower lip, you handed me the ice cream cookie.

"Something like that." With your hand back on the mouse, the image disappeared from the screen to be replaced by a long and expensive budget that you continued typing on the keyboard.

"Something like that? Will not you give me more information?"

Just like when you played with the tips of your clothes every time you were nervous, you used to scratch your hair with a finger when you didn't know how to say your thoughts aloud, just like now.

"It's just that... this is not one of those famous projects that the company does, but I hope the board approves it." The light of the computer shone on the profile of your face, letting me see your pensive expression, almost insecure under your nervous laugh. "Well... people say it's my company, right? and if I say that we will make a hospital that helps people, it will be done... Right?"

When the subject deepened in your mind, you turned slightly towards me without looking at me, with a slight frown and confusion in your eyes. You had so much power, angel, but you didn't feel that you were in control of the family business that was only yours now, even though you didn't know it yet. You could do whatever you wanted; try to help people or build a mansion if you wanted to, but here you were, doubting the approval of the people who worked with you and for you.

"It will be done if you want it, angel." As your gaze stopped on me, I suddenly felt that I had so much confidence to give you a little of it. "Many people have good intentions, but not the resources to make them come true, however, you have both. Don't doubt yourself if it's about helping others, angel: I think it's wonderful what you're trying to do, so don't be afraid of other people's opinions. If you are sure of what you want to do, nobody will dare to say no."

"Every day... people never dare to say no to me." You chuckled, almost sadly, because the image that people created for you was the image that they believed was the right one. "But thank you, Onew."

It was at this moment that I realized that you were really letting me into your life, angel; you let me know your insecurities, but even if I helped you, I decided to leave it here because your mood seemed to improve, because the confidence that you began to have in me was growing slowly, with baby steps until you got to know that you were the only one for me, and that I would be for you at all times, in the good and in the bad moments.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

On the opening night, I pushed open the door of the SM Coex Artium and the fresh night air whistled softly moving your fluffy hair, making you look at the sky that was covered with heavy gray clouds as if they were loaded of rain. Some people moved around the entrance to the busy luxury night, but you had to leave because you were not only the president of your company, but also a student. As we walked to the sidewalk where your best friend would be in a few minutes, I questioned with real curiosity what your thoughts on Jinwoo were; the same person who was with you during your recovery, taking the place where I should have been.

"I thought that maybe I should... start driving again." Your honest thought took me by surprise, because I was sure that driving again was an indisputable issue for you after the accident. As I looked at you in silence waiting for you to consider your own words, you chuckled when you noticed my expression. "Mr. Park was Dad's driver, and he's very nice to me, but the feeling of dependence makes me feel guilty... because I know how to drive and I still let others do it for me."

"Well..." You were always such a stubborn person, angel, but a person so determined even with the smallest things. Since you became a girl with a conscience of your own, you learned to be independent and to appreciate the things that others did for you when you knew that you couldn't do them alone, so letting yourself be carried away by others surely made you feel helpless because you could do it. But, above all, I was sure that driving again after that night, was such a frightening idea as walking in complete darkness. "We can practice together if you want, we would start little by little until you feel safe again."

Just at that moment, a black jeep commander that I knew very well parked in front of us, the same car that I saw in the photographs of your album; in the section of best friends where Jinwoo's face was, constantly. Despite the differences between him and me, I went to the passenger door and opened it for you. And you, who were aware of the uncomfortable silence that was present between him and me every time we were together, preferred to act normal as you walked towards the car.

"You know? I would like that, Jinki. Thanks." You said, just before entering.

Jinwoo waited for you to put on your seatbelt before moving the car down the highway. The feeling I felt inside of me when I saw you leaving was hard to bear, even though you would be gone for just a couple of hours, due to that silly fear of mine and the constant thought that, if this idol life would one day become difficult, you would decide to leave my side. It was barely 8 o'clock at night so I went back to the party walking around the place we walked together, waiting for the hours to pass faster until I could see you again. I went back into the Coex and went up the escalators, greeting different people until I found my band members, talking animatedly with Leeteuk, Donghae, Luna and Amber.

"It seems that Juliette is integrating well into the family, Jinki." Leeteuk patted my shoulder gently, looking at me with the smile of an older brother. "Everyone here begins to love her."

"But no more than hyung does." Key said, standing between Minho and Luna, with a look in her direction because his personality didn't allow him to keep anything for himself. "Nobody loves Juliette as much as hyung does."

As Minho gave Key a warning glance, the other members of SHINee sighed exaggeratedly just so that Key's words didn't sound so harsh, while the others, except for Luna (with whom I hoped to have the right moment to speak in private and with the confidence that I thought we had) enjoyed the words of our most honest member because in spite of everything they were true. No one loved Juliette as much as I did, but I was willing to wait patiently for her to feel it.

"We all want something like what Jinki and Juliette have." Donghae sighed, half serious and half dreaming. "Soon fans will stop calling you Onew and start calling you Romeo."

His comment was so kind that even I laughed at the idea.

"You should ask Juliette what Onew did to make her fall in love with him." Amber chuckled, but after Krystal, she seemed willing to give Juliette a chance too.

"Hyung is clumsily charming, that gives him lots of points." Jonghyun laughed beside me.

"But it seems that for her it's not a problem that many girls are in love with you, Jinki." Leeteuk looked at me with real curiosity, because in this life that idols lived, to become someone important to the fans even when they didn't know us directly, could become a problem. "Do you feel the same? Because Juliette seems to be close to the son of the Jo's family, right?"

My members looked at me in silence, just because they knew that my silly insecurities grew when I thought of you two being as close as you and I once were.

"They have been best friends since they were kids."

"And that doesn't bother you, Oppa?" Luna asked, with a really curious look. "I mean... a normal boyfriend would feel jealous that his fiancee has a man as her best friend."

I didn't want to accept that Luna behaved that way, but when Amber looked at her in the same way that Minho looked at Key, I started to have some doubts.

"Juliette chose me even though she could choose someone else, and even if I would want to have her just for me, I can’t help if others like her... but, please, don't get too close to my fiancée." I joked, only so Luna's words didn't feel so heavy in the environment.

The others laughed because after so many years of working together for the same company, the jokes between us were part of the day. Their support was so unconditional that I could almost touch it, I knew it was real, because long before 10 o'clock, Leeteuk hyung silently handed me the keys to his car to pick you up.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

Raindrops hit the pavement as I parked the car near the college sports field, they felt cold against my cheek and my clothes as I got off the car, and for the first time in my life, they made me feel something bad inside me. The air blew colder than usual as I walked behind some empty cars, until I saw you both; you standing in front of him, and him sitting in the trunk of his car, making you laugh like I couldn't. The confusion gave way to the frustration that covered me like a red veil, which burned like fire that spread within me as I approached you. His hands on you made me lose the control that I thought I had, but I was wrong, angel, because he could get close to you and I couldn't, he could touch you and I couldn't, he could make you laugh honestly, and I couldn't. Just when you took a step back to get away from him, I took the right to do it for you as if you were my property because in front of him, I felt threatened, so absurd that I felt possessive with you, and my hand on your wrist placed you behind me as if you needed some protection from him.

"Don't ever do that again." The words came out through my tense jaw.

"What?" Jinwoo stood up as his frown deepened. "We were just playing."

"Really? I don't think it's right to play that way with someone who is about to get married. You know the problems you might cause if people see how close you are?"

Jinwoo laughed sarcastically, because he and I knew that my words were not completely true, because he knew i felt threatened.

"Problems for her or inconvenience to you?" He raised his eyebrows with a superior expression, as if he was mocking my reasons. "Are you afraid that she realizes that she prefers to be with me?"

As I felt the challenge in his voice, you pushed your hand out of my grip before speaking.

"What are you doing?" You stopped being behind me so we could both see you, because you always were in our midst. "You should be nice to the other because you are going to see each other very often."

"I'm not the insecure one." Jinwoo stared at me, silently mocking my fear of losing you. "If he doesn't trust our friendship he shouldn't marry you."

"Are you kidding?" I smiled sarcastically, because despite everything, life had reunited us again. "You didn't know? She is going to marry me."

"Then why are you so jealous, Onew?" Jinwoo laughed.

"I'm not jealous of you. The only thing I hate is that you approach her in that way being just a friend."

My words hit him hard.

"You..." His hand made a fist, but he stopped completely as he felt your hand on his chest.

"Jinwoo." You said, and he just had to listen to you to change his gaze, because he could never look at you the way he looked at me. "Please don't do this." Your worried gaze stopped at me after him, always after him. "Just stop. Why are you acting like this?"

Although none of this made any sense to me either, I felt, sadly, that I would always be after him.

"It's okay, Juliette, I think it would be better if you understood why we're doing this. Onew knows. But i want to make something clear..." Jinwoo looked back at me with a serious expression, and I knew he was on the edge of telling you the truth only to get rid of that sadness that he felt day by day too. "It's you who is making an issue of this. We were fine as friends..." Jinwoo sighed heavily, ready to say everything, and his gaze became kind again as he looked at you. "I... I've been in love with you. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for years... but I can't say I'm sorry."

The pain in his eyes made you feel so hurt, and that's when I felt guilty; when I saw your expression.

"I understand, Jinwoo, and I'm sorry..." I said. "But Juliette belongs to me."

Jinwoo nodded slowly because despite the pain, he knew that was true.

"If you're so sure about that, at least you should trust her." He took a step back. "Sorry, Juliette. This is my fault too, I never wanted you to be in this situation."

I didn't understand how hard it was for you to be away from your friends until you saw Jinwoo walk away from you. After closing the door of the trunk, he got into his car and left, and it was then that I saw in your eyes the mistake that I had just made. I was so sorry, angel, but I would have liked to tell you, even if it just sounded like an excuse, how hard it was for me to see you being happy next to the man who loved you almost as much as I did.

"How did you get here?" You finally asked, but I didn't feel any resentment in your voice because you were used to pretending that nothing could hurt you.

"A friend lent me his car. Angel-"

"Can we go now?"

I didn't find the right words to tell you or to try to repair my mistake, but even before I could say anything, you walked on the pavement while the raindrops disappeared on your black hair. Even when I walked by your side, it felt like we were miles away. Distance that I caused myself by not thinking before acting, by being jealous of someone who could give you his love without fear of being rejected. I guided you to the car keeping my distance because you seemed to be doing it too, I opened the door for you without expecting anything, and yet, you were still polite because that's how you were.

"Thanks." You said before entering, in a voice as cold as the weather itself.

As I closed the door and walked to the other side, I felt as dizzy as if the earth were spinning too fast beneath me. My stomach clenched painfully as I got into the car and closed the door, far from your gaze fixed on the passenger window. I started the car and drove out of the parking lot, but the road home became a very long route. After the supposed courage that pretended to accompany me, I felt alone on the way back, and because of that, I was paying the price right now. It seemed that karma brought me back what I gave you, just for wanting to make clear to Jinwoo something that wasn't true. As I drove through the city, some brightly colored signage shone on the profile of your face as I looked at you from time to time, but your position had not changed at all. Your eyes were still fixed on the landscape through the window, searching for something in the depths of your mind.

"Do you want something to eat, angel? We could buy something on the way home."

You shook your head. Your position didn't change and you didn't try to look at me, but your indifference hurt more than any reproach you could make me, but that was you, a person who tried not to have more conflicts because you already had enough of them. Your personality had become so strong that you could be intimidating at times, and even then, your silence was the worst response.

"Are you going to forgive me someday, angel?"

You shrugged your shoulders, as if you yourself didn't know the answer. I wanted you to say everything that was in your mind, angel, to tell me how silly I was or to defend your best friend from the stranger that was me. Something, a word just to hear your voice, but you didn't say anything all the way home.

When we finally reached the building, I went into the basement parking lot and parked the car next to mine. We got out of the car in an uncomfortable silence, while the big place felt as empty as this very moment. As we reached the elevator and you pressed the button on the wall, the red numbers on the screen went down until the doors opened in front of us. After entering and as the elevator moved up, your hands continued inside the pockets of your black cardigan, as casual as if nothing had happened. And seeing you like this, as if everything was fine, I knew that I deserved all this, but you didn't. The doors reopened and you wasted not a second to get out, walking first down the hall to the end of the floor.

Behind you and just before you entered the apartment, I was so stupid that I insisted again.

"Are you okay, Juliette?" My hand took your wrist gently, just because I didn't deserve to hold your hand.

"No. How would you feel in my place?" Your eyes finally looked at me, but then I realized that you were holding back your fear. "Couldn't you leave it that way? You both have to push the situation like that?"

"It wasn't good for you to live ignoring that. Feelings are not made to be hidden." After saying that, I felt like a liar with my own feelings towards you. "You shouldn't see him for a while."

"What? No. Why?"

"Do you think it would be good for you to be with the person you love but can't love you back?"

I never thought that I could become a hypocrite, but here I was, shamelessly lying to you.

"I don't know what you're talking about. He is my friend and I won't leave him, never."

"Juliette..."

You shook your head decisively because in spite of everything, you didn't abandon the people you loved, but as your gaze returned to me, it felt that it could almost hurt me just by looking at you.

"Then why do you try to continue with this marriage when you know I don't feel anything for you, uh?"

But I knew you didn't mean it even though it hurt me deeply, angel. But I felt bad as you entered the department, because I was the one who pushed you to this moment. The living room was empty when I entered and sat on the sofa, with no trace of you or my members, only the heavy silence that accompanied me every time I made a mistake. I caused the feeling of guilt that I saw in your eyes when you uttered those harsh words. I was really sorry, angel; because the person who loved you the most was the one who made you suffer the most.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I wrote a chapter of this story.
I hope you like this new one.
Subscribe if you have not done it yet. I'll be forever grateful if you do!
As always, sorry for the grammatical errors, but thank you very much for reading this.

Love you lots. XOXO - V.