Song #14

Our encounter was like a painting
We were together like
being drawn as watercolor
lines that were sketched
and the colors that filled us
are fading at some point – Don't let me go.

Why do clinic walls always feel so cold? Perhaps it was because of the fear that comes with the relatives of injured people, those who don't know what to expect when their loved one is bedridden, with eyes closed and hands so cold. Your hands felt like that since the first day, angel, but if they would only let me in to see you, I could comfort you with a little of my warmth. Maybe that would help you wake up.

They say that after the storm, calm comes, but in our case, it was the other way around.

Early in the morning of that day when everything was still fine, it was the first time that we made love in the kitchen, on the counter next to the sink. The moment happened naturally, it escalated little by little until we found ourselves in that position. It was slow and sweet, but the new experience itself was hot and felt dangerous. Then, we headed to my company for a meeting that SHINee had to clarify some points about our comeback, and in the meantime, you went to see EXO.

When we both finished, Krystal intercepted us in the hallway and asked you to go with her to her dorm. I was happy to know that you had a new friend in the company, but something in my chest told me that I shouldn't have let you go. Now that I think about it, I must listen more often to my heart.

"Noooo" Krystal took your hand and pulled you to her side. “Come to my dorm with me. The girls will come at night and I'll be alone all day. Pleaseeee.”

You looked at me with your pretty eyes and it was impossible for me to say no.

"Okay." I said and pouted. “I will return home alone. Call me when you're ready to go home and I will pick you up. Krystal, please take care of my wife.”

"I will." She smiled, but I was still not convinced.

The call I received that afternoon was not from you. Krystal called me saying that you had an accident and you didn't wake up, that's why they were on their way to the clinic in an ambulance along with Luna.

On the second day the boys were by my side, but it felt like I was alone in this battle, with no one by my side because my life partner didn't seem to want to wake up. I hope you were having a good dream at least, maybe dreaming about the life we will have next to our baby once you wake up. Honestly, by the third day I still didn't understand when this happened if you were so good that morning, then so happy to spend a moment with Krystal, when did this happen? I didn't want to say something wrong about our destiny, but I felt that it continued to play with us as if we were pieces on a chess board. For the fourth day that I came to see you, I stayed by your side all day waiting for a miracle that never came.

Like the members, Krystal has come every day this week to see you for a while, always hoping to find you awake. I was never a very religious person and I regretted that, but in this moment, in this cold moment, I begged God to help you wake up.

Luckily the baby was fine, and now you just needed to be too.

Maybe I shouldn't have put all the blame on Luna, but later, when I finally got to hear her because I was too upset to even see her the first day, I realized that the accident was caused because you tried to help her. That made me smile a little, because that hadn't changed in you, that feeling of wanting to help others, keep them away from danger, even if it meant putting your own life at risk. I know you didn't think of yourself when you did what you did to save Luna, and no one thought that it would have any major consequences.

But just about the fifth day when you seemed to be submerged in a deep sleep, Sam's voice alerted me as i hang up the call with my mom.

"Jinki?! Uncle John!”

Sam's voice took your dad and me by surprise from inside your room, and alone with the company of my thoughts, we rushed inside. The seconds it took me to realize you were awake seemed like hours, angel, but when I saw you, your expression was not something I expected. You didn't seem as happy to see me as I was to see you. 

In your eyes I could see that you were on the verge of crying.

"You and I didn't meet before, right? Please tell me you didn’t know me before the wedding. I don't know you, please tell me you didn't know me either."

Those were the first words that came out of your lips, and they were the words that changed my life forever. Slowly, I moved closer to you, and I felt the tears in my eyes when I realized that you remembered me.

"Can you remember me, little angel? Do you know who I am?"

But the truth was like a train hitting you at full speed.

"No, no, no." You shook your head, moving back on the bed until you reached the headboard.

"Don't cry, Juls." With her eyes, Sam asked me to keep my distance from you while everything was resolved as she reached out to you to give you some comfort.

There was a moment, a fleeting moment when you looked at me as your father called your uncle so that he could explain to you that a second blow to the head does not make a person remember, but rather leaves them in a worse place than they were. Honestly, I tried to listen carefully to all the words coming out of the phone, but my English wasn't that good to catch everything at that speed, and I rambled on for a moment, thinking about how much I would give to be as close to you as Sam was.

"Like every year…” Your dad said after he hung up the call. “I visited the companies abroad, in one of those trips I met Jinki's dad. One night during the time you were 4 years, Jinki's father and I went out to have a few drinks, and then we agreed that nothing would break a friendship if our children get married. With what happened to your brother, to know what happened with you would have a bad result. We only live one summer here, so we eliminated everything from your mind. I told Jinki what happened, and... he could understand. I told him that the wedding would not be canceled because he wanted to be with you, and it was the least I could do for you two. I tried to think about how Jinki would feel having to pretend not to know you for months until the wedding, so I used some contacts to make it as soon as possible, and I left so you could live with him and know him and... I am so sorry, my love. I left you alone, and a year later I told you you would get married. It was selfish I know, but I did it for you."

Your dad couldn't hold back any longer, and he fell into sobs so deep it seemed like, for the first time, he was really crying, like, really crying, letting go of every feeling he held inside as I walked him into the hallway. My mind kept spinning around us and what had just happened, but it was in those seconds that your dad took my hands and spoke firmly despite the fact that his crying did not stop.

“Don't miss the opportunity to talk to her, son. This may be your only chance.”

Saying that, he tried to calm down, but he left me there thinking that I should talk to you now that things were out for the first time in our lives. I nodded to reassure myself, and without wasting a second, I walked back into the room feeling so small and scared.

"Sam..." My voice came out steady despite my nerves. "Can I talk to Juliette...alone?"

You didn't even dare look at me and Sam wondered if she should leave you alone with me right now, but I begged her when she and I exchanged glances, because I wanted to believe that she knew I wouldn't do you any harm, and that this was my only opportunity to turn around all those bad thoughts you were having.

When she left and closed the door, you spoke again.

"How long have I been here?"

It took me a moment to answer, because I didn't know if it was a good idea to tell you the truth, but I made up my mind that there would be no more lies in our marriage.

"Nearly a week, angel."

It was hard to see the way your gaze was lost in your hands that were already healing after the injuries left by your fall, but there was something else in the way you hugged your belly, as if you had just now remembered that our baby was still inside you.

"Please don't cry, angel. Everything is fine now, and we will overcome this." I sat next to you, my hands caressing your hair gently as I kept talking. "I'm so sorry, angel, but I promise you'll be fine."

You raised your head but did not dare look into my eyes.

"I am sorry. I'm really sorry, Jinki."

I saw you so broken that I could feel it in my bones.

"Don't do it. Don’t say you are sorry. I chose this, I bet for us. I loved you, angel, since I met you, and my feelings for you have not changed, not even a little. I told you; I see you. I had my own angel and I wouldn't let you go of my heart even if life kept us apart."

It was a blow to my heart that you couldn't even look me in the eye.

"I don't know what to say. I have a lot on my head and I don't want to think about it."

You looked defeated, but I wasn't going to let you give up, not when we could finally be together for real.

I used my hand to caress your belly.

"Our little Tokki is fine." Our eyes met and I felt you hold your breath for a moment. "You don't have to say anything, but please just listen to what I need to tell you, okay?"

You thought about that for a second, but just when I thought you'd say no, you nodded gently.

"I remembered you and i couldn't tell the world that I would marry the love of my life exposing you as a stranger. But I didn't tell the whole story about how i met you. After mom told me I could keep the photo of you, she told me to wait with her. I was sitting on the steps of the entrance of my house still with your picture in my hands, thinking of you and if someday i could meet you in person, and then a car parked in the street. Although I couldn't believe it, the girl in the photograph got out of the car with that pretty white sweater that matched with the blue ribbon that you put on your hair, and you just... you shone. I had never seen an angel but I knew you were one... You just confused me so much, so I took Mom's hand and she said; this is better than a photograph, right? I didn't understand anything and she laughed, so she leaned over and said: Jinki, after she was born life chose her for you. When you grow up you will join her in marriage. His father and yours have decided that at some point in her 24 years, you both will be sealed this great friendship that they have. I know you'll be a good husband for her, my love." 

You listened carefully to my words, taking a few seconds to respond.

"But It was not too hard for you? You should cancel everything. You suffered through my fault, and you kept doing so when I meet you again."

I had to controlled himself to not react with surprise.

"I saw you every day for two months. You made me fall in love with you from that day. We spent years together by the letters we send. And then one day you wrote telling me you did not want to talk to me anymore, and that hurt more. I thought you wanted to no longer be my friend, and then I found out you didn't remember me, and the only thing that kept me alive was that you would be by my side one day. When you came to Korea i was about to take a plane to see you, but my members had to convince me that i couldn't be so obvious with you. I took that time to convince me to keep my distance from you, like we just met. I had you beside me again, and that was enough for me to be happy. I decided to start our story because I knew... that would come best times if I could make you love me again."

You took a deep breath.

"During all this time... during our marriage... you can't tell me it was not hard to pretend we were strangers. Have you ever wake up wanting to talk about our past, but then remembered that I could not remember it?"

"Nothing has changed, angel, for me you are still the same. Sometimes i did woke up thinking about our childhood together, but it didn't matter anyway because I woke up next to you. The past didn't matter because we were building a future together."

You your lips before speaking.

"How many people know about this? Did you know Jinwoo before i saw you in college that night... or Sam, Danny?"

"Yes, I knew him. When he moved here again he threatened me and said i had to take care of you. We both shared a love for the same girl. He said he was in love with you inadvertently, but also told me that you had told him what I meant to you. He understood, he was with you after what happened to Jeremy, and I was very grateful to him and jealous at the same time thinking that it should be me who should be at your side. That's why I was so jealous every time he touched you, I thought he did on purpose."

I stopped talking when you winced and held your head.

"Are you all right, angel?" I was already standing when you stopped me. "I'll call the doctor."

"No..." Your hand found my arm and held it until I sat down again. "That bracelet is not mine, right? It was never mine, or my grandfather's, it's yours. And the necklace... I gave you my necklace when we parted. That "J" is not for your name, it is for mine."

"You gave me your necklace and I gave you my bracelet. It was our promise that the day they returned to their owners, that day we would be together forever."

"So that happened?" You stared at me. "It was easy for my grandpa to make me believe that it was mine? When dad told me that the marriage would take place, grandpa was like Sam, insisting that i should give you a chance. He said: take care of the bracelet, and wherever you are, I will be with you, and although we are separated..."

"I know someday I will find you…” I finished the sentence for you. “It's almost funny, dad put me a name with the same initial that your father's. And yes, you gave me your necklace, before kissing me in the cheek." I chuckled.

"You called me angel since we met."

"I couldn't stop doing it, for me you will always be an angel. Thanks for remember me, little angel, oppa is so happy to have you back." I smiled, and wrapped my arms around you. "Now we can be happy."

However, my happiness at having you close only lasted a few seconds.

"No...." You pulled away. "I made you suffer, I forgot you. This is all very confusing, and the only thing clear is how much you have suffered because of me... even if you say you haven't. I can't be with you, to see you and think about everything you went through. You should forget me when all this happend, and I'm sorry, Jinki, really sorry."

I exhaled, and stared at you.

"The afternoon I saw you for first time i knew that life had created the most beautiful creature to be beside me. Life joined our ways, and everything leads me to you. Even if we are separated life keeps putting you in my way, and it's the same with yours, because you and I belong together. I know this is very difficult to understand, I'm sorry how it all happened. I feel a little selfish because sometimes I wish that you could remember me without thinking how you would feel. Having you by my side again was the best thing that it could ever happen to me. I managed to make you love me again, or at least I managed to take you back to the time when you were happy. I wanted you to feel safe again, without fearing that I might fail you, had all the confidence that i would hold you when you could not more, to embrace you when you were afraid, that i would love you for the rest of my life. My little angel, what it happened to me it doesn't matter, because I forgot everything when you came back to me. It was all I wanted. Don't think that you hurt me because this was just a test that life put us through, and we won." My gaze dropped to your belly for a few seconds. "I don't want to be selfish and thinking about not letting you go, but I feel that I can't open my arms and allow you to stay away from me when what I most want is to have you with me forever."

You thought deeply about my words, I knew it, I could see it in your face, but as you looked back at me, I also knew that you were giving up.

"I was happy being with you, and I am afraid of not being happy again. But it hurts to see you and I feel I need to apologize even if you think I shouldn't do it... Please, leave me alone, please."

It hurt me deep in my heart but I nodded.

"It's okay. I waited for you, angel, I can do it again." I leaned over and placed a hand on your belly. "I love you, baby. Please take care of mommy for me."

I stood and walked to leave.

"Jinki..." You said when I was near the door. I turned to you and your gaze fell down. "I was that girl, right? Joohee."

"Yes. That's your korean name. Throughout my life, you've been the only girl I ever loved, you're the only one I will love forever, angel."

And then, I left.

I tried to be strong and brave for the 3 of us, but seeing my members outside the room waiting for us was too hard for me. Minho was the first to hug me, and because I felt like I might be weak in his arms for a moment, I started crying.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

Sorry for the short chapter.

I'll be posting the next one soon so you can understand how Juliette stayed by Jinki's side at the end, because that was something I didn't show in Beautiful Angel. But if that was a spoiler I'm sorry!

Although by now you should know that my stories always have a happy ending.

Thanks for reading XOXO - V.