Hi! I know it's been a long time since I posted something of this story and I'm so sorry. For medical reasons (not covid) I left my house but I'm back, and the truth is that I really missed writing about my sweet Jinki. I hope you like this little chapter and still want to read more about this story because I don't feel ready to let it go yet. Comments are well appreciated. Thanks in advance for reading this and I hope to write this week or next a chapter of Angel Eyes.
Please take good care of yourselves. Love you♥

Song #10

You can't, don't leave me like this

Please just one more time, hold me in your arms again

The next time I close my eyes to meet you

Hold me as I stay still in that same spot - Please don't go. 

"We need to talk."

Standing in the doorway of our bedroom door, the expression on your face was so serious and so somber that it made my blood run cold in a second, managing to change the good mood in which we were enveloped in the privacy of our room, our little home.

"I don't like that." I answered truthfully, and I think my eyes managed to express the fear I suddenly felt. "About what, love?"

You bit your lip at the same time you walked to the edge of our bed, angel, as if something ached in your heart again, I could easily see it. My eyebrows came together  in concern, because in the quarter of a second that it took you to answer my question, my mind ran through the previous days and weeks that we lived together and I didn't find something bad that we suddenly needed to talk about, because since the night in that we made love for the first time, everything seemed to be going well. Although now that I thought about it, too well actually.

"I can't do this anymore, Jinki." Your eyes became as sad as that night we saw your mom again, so sad that it turned you back into a little girl who needed a hug and protection. So that's what I did, I stood up from our bed and hugged you as softly as I could, and although I didn't say anything at the time, I didn't feel you doing the same. "It's too much."

"I don't understand, angel." Since you were avoiding looking at me, I let you go for a moment and used my hands to hold your face, because that way, when our gazes connected, you weren't able to lie to me. "Tell me what happens."

"You can't do anything about how I feel." You pushed my arms away from you, as if from one moment to another, you couldn't breathe by my side. "This life is hard; college was hard when they found out about the marriage. I made an effort, but we know what it feels like to live with fame, and you know it's tired. You have the strength. You have reasons to live this life, but not me."

I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.

"Isn't enough that you love me?" I said, and my lip trembled. "I know it's hard, angel. I'm sorry that this is the life I can give you, but I will be with you forever. I like being here with you, in our room, just us. That's how I forget that I am an idol and that everyone is aware of what I do. Don't you see it? We can be just you and me when we are together."

"That is not enough. I love you, but this life goes beyond my strength. Too many people are against me. I just want a quiet life, and I had it until our marriage. And now people talk about me because they are interested in you. I want to go, I never wanted this life, but no one gave me the choice to accept or reject, nobody asked my opinion and no one gave me a choice."

You backed up and turned around, but I couldn’t let you go just like that, so when you tried to take a step, I hugged you from behind.

"Let's go away. I will leave everything and go where you want to go. I'll leave this life and we will live together in peace. I can retire from music and have a normal marriage. I'll buy a house anywhere in the world you choose. We already have a pet, we can have a baby and we dedicate only to him or her, but please..." I stifled a sob, burying my face in your neck. "Please don't leave me."

You took a step away and looked at me, like you never did. No, I was wrong: you looked at me like you did in the past, even harder.

"Is this what I did to you? I told you; don't ever need anyone, I warned you. This is what you feel when you can not hold that person next to you. You should be like others and think I only bring problems. Do you see it now? I made you a dependent person, and now you have to beg me not to leave. And I... I regret I have loved you."

You turned around and left the room. For a moment, my head could not understand what was happening or the words you had just said, because a few minutes ago I was reading you the little prince and suddenly we were right here, parting in what seemed to be such a real situation. But I was crazy if I thought I was going to let you go like that, so my body moved by itself at first until I found you, because I wouldn't stop until I did.

"Juliette?" Key was the first to step into the living room and was followed by the others, understanding in an instant something was going on. "What's happening?"

Caught between him and me, my hand closed around your wrist not to let you go.

"Juliette, please."

You shook your head, as if you weren't able to meet my eyes again when suddenly, all the phones in the room started ringing.

"My friends, there's a news that the world needs to know." Key said reading on the phone, so he looked at us both, but because no one talk or say anything about it, he decided to turn on the TV.

And it was as if time stopped for me.

The host of that newscast that I did not recognize at the time, began to narrate the news about you and Jinwoo on a trip that I recognized immediately: it was that trip to the mountains where you went with your friends a few months ago. Everything seemed normal, until they showed pictures of you and him talking on what appeared to be a basketball court, so close to each other, uncomfortably close for me, until he leaned in to kiss your lips.

The worst thing about seeing that was that you didn't push him away.

The room fell silent when Key removed the TV volume. The boys exchanged confused looks, but you still couldn’t look at me, and I felt like I was about to fall apart.

Why? It was the question I asked myself in the echo of my mind, over and over again without finding an answer. But standing here, not even understanding what was happening, I could feel the pain starting from deep in my stomach, to my last hair. It was like a monster, something horrible that had no explanation in the depths of my being started growing, and it hurt me, it hurt like I never thought something, someone, or you specially could hurt me.

"I can explain it." You whispered, but the truth is that you seemed like you couldn’t. "No, I can't. But it is not as it seems. I promise."

"Don't you see it?" I pointed at the TV, being guided by that monster that has lived in me since I saw those images. "Everyone now knows that you cheated on me!"

In that moment, your phone rang and as you pulled it out your pocket, I saw that Jinwoo's name lit the screen. I saw it clearly.

"Answer him." I ordered, forgetting about anything else, or anyone who was watching us.

But since you couldn't do it, I did it myself, putting the speaker on, I didn't know what for until it happened.

"Did you like being kissed by my wife?"

"I did it, I kissed her. You know that Juliette would do nothing to hurt you, Onew. It was all my fault." He said, but I couldn’t trust him after what I saw, I couldn't trust him since I knew he still had feelings for you.

"I didn't trust you, Jinwoo, but you..." I looked at you, indignantly, like I never did in my entire life. "Frankly, I really don't understand why. Do you still want the divorce? You gave yourself to me loving another person?"

After I said that out loud, I hated myself for doing this to you, but the damage was already done and I couldn't go back.

"You slept with him, Juliette?" Jinwoo asked.

"We didn't sleep together... we made love.” I said. “Did you like to hear that? But it's a shame you didn't get from her what I did, although I can't imagine the things she can do."

"Hyung..." Minho said and I looked at him, but suddenly he had changed his expression towards me. "Don't do that. You are going to regret it later."

"Is that why you felt that way these days?" Key asked, and I could clearly see he was ashamed too about what I just said. "Are you pregn---?"

"I'm not." You whispered, sadly.

"You don't know how happy I am." I said harshly. "I trusted you, and now I truly feel like an idiot for doing it and falling in love with you. You know I love you, and now I have to learn to stop doing so."

A part of me knew that Minho would stay with you right now, so as I took a step away from you, I could hear for the first time my heartbeat and its strings breaking from having to leave you, but I couldn't stop myself anymore when I put the phone on his chest and I walked away from all of them, walking out the door with the footsteps of the others behind me. My head was spinning like a fast carousel, or a roller coaster, but when the elevator doors closed behind me, all the adrenaline I felt was focused on my fist and when I hit the hard metal wall until I hurt my hand, it was then that I felt that I was alive, and dying at the same time.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

I can't really remember what was in front of me until I actually saw him face to face, and at that moment everything faded, I managed to see red as I heard some people talk, but before any of the guys could yell to stop me, my fist had slammed into his face until he fell to the ground.

This was the first time I had punch someone in my life, but this solved the mystery of whether or not I could actually hurt someone, and the answer was yes.

"I guess I deserve it." Jinwoo said calmly with Key and Taemin by his side as they helped him up. And it was at that moment that I was grateful to be in a private place, although that didn't matter to me in the slightest at this very moment.

"Do you really think you deserve just that?" I answered, with Jonghyun and Minho by my side in case I tried to do it again.

"I suppose not." He shrugged and sat down at the restaurant table, one of those that gave you a private room to chat, or to punch people. And suddenly, it was as if he was tired from living so much, so he poured himself a drink and drank it all down before sighing deeply. "Would you like to sit down so I can tell you how things happened?"

In fact, I was surprised by how serious he looked, so before taking a seat as well, Jong pushed me away from him, as if he thought I was going to fall on him again. Although now that I had done it and my fury had faded, my only thought was you. My phone had rang 50 minutes ago with a text from Danielle, saying that Minho had dropped you off at your house and that you were fine, although alone with Sam and several bottles of alcohol wasn't the most appropriate thing for you considering the situation. You could barely take a drink before you lost control. I knew you very well, so much so that we used to make fun of you and how you couldn't drink without becoming clumsy like me. At least you needed alcohol to do that, because I was clumsy since I was born.

That was what worried me the most right now: I didn't want you to get hurt because of me.

"Well, if no one else is going to punch me, I guess it's my turn to tell what happened." Jinwoo said, and looking into my eyes, he started.

FLASHBACK.

In a normal autumn day. Juliette walked to Jinwoo, wondering why he was still playing again and again without stopping, even when the game was over and her friends had gone looking for drinks and food. Her mind filled with happy memories of their trip when she stopped behind him. But since it was all happiness, it was also worry as a memory jumped into her mind: they play basketball overnight too when his grandfather died. That was very helpful to release the emotions that Jinwoo had inside, to let go all the pain.

"Are you okay, Jinwoo?"

Even under his shirt, she saw his back stiffened. Jinwoo didn’t bother to turn around when he answered.

"Sure, sweety. Why wouldn't I be?" He said in english, casually.

He wasn't okay, and the fight against such a strong feeling seemed to be torturing both.

"I think you should rest."

"I really need to keep myself busy."

"Why? Jinwoo, you are acting strangely, and you know you can tell me anything, I'll be for you and-"

"Don't do this to me, please."

He finally turned to her. Juliette looked back at him, but she was confused, so worried. He had done so much for her, which made her feel bad because she couldn't do the same for him.

"To stop what?"

"Don't do that, don't insist."

"Why do you need to keep busy?"

"Juliette..."

"Is that becaus---"

"I need to keep busy because at every break I don't stop thinking about you!"

Jinwoo's expression completely changed when she shrugged, kind of scared. But he stopped the step that he would give to her, and the words left his lips as cries of his heart.

"I think about you all day, and I still wake up at dawn hoping to find you asleep beside me as when we lived in the US. I always stopped myself from kiss you while you slept, and you don't know how fast my heart goes when you smile, or when you read and don't notice anyone around you. I'm in love with you but I know you're in love with him, and I love you so much that I can almost hear my heart screaming your name, asking for something that can't have." He dropped his shoulders, lost and in pain. "I'm exhausted now, but I know it's time for me to move on. I know it. Back to what we once were. Right? That’s what I need to do. I'll look at you as my best friend. But I just need something first."

Juliette looked up from the floor, with a little fear and a little hopeful of being allowed to help. She would do anything just to see him happy.

"What is it?"

Jinwoo walked toward her, and took her face in his hands.

"To know how lucky Onew is when he kisses you."

FLASHBACK ENDS.

Jong, Minho, Key and Taemin were completely silent, but from their looks, I knew they were confused and somehow feeling sorry for him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Really." Jinwoo said at the end of the story. “I think you are the only one who knows and can understand how much I love her, and how much I wish I didn't. I know I can't have her heart because, although she loves me too, she doesn't love me the way I wish she did. I know I can't have her that way and that's why I left. I went away and left her with you because deep down I knew she loved you. And although that hurts and kills me every day, what happened was my fault, not hers. She just… wanted to give me something that I shouldn't have because she doesn't belong to me. So, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Key said suddenly, like he was going to cry too, but when we all looked at him, he straightened up in his seat. “I'm sorry, hyung. It's just... the story is so sad."

“In my defense…” Jinwoo looked away from Key and stopped at me. “The truth is that there is no way to defend myself, but what you saw on the news is something that happened some time ago, just when my feelings finally began to change. I still love her, Onew, and a part of my heart knows that I will love her forever, but I fully understand, you believe it or not, that she loves you. That she loved you first and that somehow you made her love you again today.”

"Then why did you do it if you knew all that?"

"I don't know." He shrugged, as if life was never going to give him an answer and he was okay with that. “She was there and I wanted to say goodbye. It wasn't the best way, I admit it, but that's how it happened. Now I just want to help her get out of this problem, because as you saw, people think that this is something that she caused even when they saw in the pictures and the video that it was me who started it. Sometimes I hate our country…” Uneasily, Jinwoo poured himself another drink and gulped it down.

"Okay, think about what you're going to do to help her and call me. Now I have to go get my wife back.” Just as I started to get to my feet, I heard Key snort.

"It was about time."

This was another thing the boys wouldn't let go, I clearly saw it coming. Still, I grabbed my keys from the table and left the room. Could I one day stop making mistakes with you? The truth is that I prayed to heaven for it.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

The road to your house seemed eternally long, angel. The path I had taken felt new and strenuous, as if it would never end until I finally entered a familiar neighborhood. My heart raced even faster when I saw you standing on the sidewalk, smiling and laughing like a little girl, refusing to get into your best friend's car. The only one who was sober. I parked the car behind her and got out. Drunk just like you, Sam, who was already in the back of the car, leaned halfway out the window when she felt me coming, searching with her eyes as if she couldn't believe it was me, or as if she was trying to recognize me. From Dani's arms, you did the same, chuckling at the end when you knew it was me.

You looked so tired.

"Oh... I knew you'd come." Danny said and took your ring from the pocket of her jeans. "Don't ask how I got it. But put the ring on her finger if you really want to continue the marriage."

I nodded, I approached to you and put an arm around your waist, taking all the weight of your body.

"You're coming with me. We are going home."

"Uh… no." You said seriously, but I didn't let me go and you tried to fight to set yourself free. "Let me go. I don't want to go with you."

"Onew." Sam said with curious eyes. "How did you know we were here? Did you put a tracking chip to your wife?"

"I figured out." I sighed, looking at Danielle who was the one that told where you were. "Leave her with me, I will take care of her."

But I was still your husband and confident that you would be fine, Danny nodded and left to take care of Sam.

From deep in your throat, you made a sound that reminded me of a groan of disappointment.

"What? Are you sad because you didn't go with them?" I asked and you nodded exaggeratedly, still watching the path they took. "Sometimes you're like a little girl, angel. We're going home. Okay?"

You exhaled the air from your body, finally giving up.

"Uh, fine, but I can walk alone. Can you let me go now?"

"Of course you can’t."

"Of course I can." You dared to face me: even in that state, you believed you could do things on your own, so I sighed and released you to prove you were wrong.

Then, you took one step and everything looked fine, but then you fell to your knees, and you dared to laugh about it.

“Auch…”

"You really want to give me a heart attack, don't you?" I said as I lifted you up the ground.

"If you have a heart attack, it's because you're an old man. That’s not on me."

I could not help but laugh, so I took you to the car in my arms. In a minute, we both were inside and I left the neighborhood to the highway back to the dorm. In a moment I was on the main street back in the city, where there were many cars even at that time of the night. The streets became noisy, totally the opposite of the silence we created in the car. I tried to create a conversation with you, but every question I asked, you dodged with your silence.

"Why don't you talk to me?" I asked, getting tired. “I keep asking things but you don’t answer me.”

"You should not be here. I should not be here either. Didn't you tell me to stay away? That was what you wanted, didn’t you?"

I bit my lip, because that was exactly what I wanted for a single second.

"I can't ignore that you need me now. I will not lie either; I can't help but worry about you. I will never stop doing that, angel. I promised you that, remember?"

As the car moved back to our home, I asked some more questions and tried to start a small conversation with you until we could actually talked about what happened. How do you feel? Do you have a headache? Should I buy something at the pharmacy? but you didn't answer my question, like you weren’t even here with me, so I parked the car and looked at you with real exasperation.

"It's concern. Okay? Now stop acting like a child. I wouldn't throw the blame to the alcohol for your behavior. Jinwoo called and we talked, he told me how it all happened, and said he would solve the problem that he caused you. But that's not the point. Why didn't you tell me what happened? You had to trust me! That is the kind of thing you tell your husband in the first place."

"Are you dumb, Jinki? Or you just don’t know what you want anymore?" You asked, staring at me. "I appreciate what you do, but just take me back home. Okay?"

I was actually getting really tired, tired of the fear of lose you, tired of the people who got in the middle of our happiness, tired to be far from you when all I wanted was to be next you, close to you. I was getting frustrated, so I did what I wanted to do so badly, and I pressed my lips against yours without a warning. They were like sweet honey against mine, taking all of me as my hands cradled your face as softly as I used to. But you tried to push me the next second, so I took your hands away and smiled against yours lips. But when you couldn't pull yourself away, you dared to take my lip in between your teeth.

"Did you just bit me?" I chuckled as I pulled away. "Never mind, I will try it again in a while."

And I drove back de our home again.

As minutes passed, you rested your head against the window, watching through your heavy eyelids the lights of the city until it became impossible. After that, just a few seconds later, you fell sleep so easily.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

As I lay you down on the bed at 5:30 in the morning after watching for you all night, I fell sleep a little bit to finally dream next to you a little bit to forget, for a moment, that all this was happening, hoping that when this night was over, it would take the pain away. But 15 minutes later, my eyes could see all around, but nothing seemed real: you weren’t in the bed, your side was cold and Gahul was my face impatiently as he was trying to tell me something.

The clock on the nightstand showed 5:47 am as I got up and left the room in silence.

I looked for you in the bathroom where I found you before, but you weren't there. I thought of looking for you in the other people's rooms, but that sounded crazy, and that's when I heard a murmur coming from the living room.

"I told you I don't want to stay."

And just then, I walked in the living room and Jong looked at me, scared.

"Hyung, I-."

"You have no right to tell me to do, Kim Jonghyun." You said and he stared at you. "I don't want to talk to you, just go."

"Go back to your room, Jong."

Jonghyun walked away, and when we were finally alone, I couldn't help but let my annoyance surface with you.

"Why are you doing this, Juliette? Why do you keep running away from me?"

"I'm not trying to run away from you... and even if a try, I don't succeed. But don't you see it? You understand; you were at my side every time something bad happened, but you don't want me to be to his side even though you know he needs me too."

I rested my hand against your cheek as my eyes softened.

"It's because to you, be with him means to bear all the blame... and I don't want anyone to hurt you."

"It's not the first time I do that for someone and I really don't care anymore. Like you, he also has taken care of me. I just need to do something nice for him. Friends take care of each other."

"Please, angel." I got closer to you and rested my forehead against yours. "For once do what I ask. We will solve this problem, but I need you to trust me."

You bit your lip, as if waiting was the worst you could do.

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Forget all. At this point no one but you and I exist in this world. Stop thinking about what will happen next. Now you're here with me and that’s all that matters."

You sighed, giving me a nervous smile.

"And I wish it was like this forever."

"It will be. When this is all over we will be together stronger than ever."

"And now?"

"Now you say you love me and we go back to the room. You need to rest and be stronger for whatever comes."

Tired, I saw, you rested your cheek against my shoulder.

"I love you, I really do."

"I love you too, angel. Let's go back to sleep. Okay?"

I took you by the waist and I held you in my arms as you put yours around my neck, your legs around my waist.

"My little baby." I said affectionately rubbing your back with one hand as I walked back to our room.

"Stop talking about babies. You're making me nervous." You whispered against my shoulder.

"No!" I complained like a child. "Sooner or later we will have a baby. Perhaps a beautiful girl like you... or a beautiful boy like you."

"Don't be sad. You are beautiful." You chuckled, but I slapped your shamelessly because you dared to make fun of me. "Yah! How dare you?"

"We have to have a baby to know what he or she will look like.”

I gently laid you down on the bed to then lay Gahul back on his so he could sleep without us constantly disturbing him, before laying next to you to look up at the ceiling that we had covered with origami animal long ago. I was tired, completely exhausted, but a part of me stayed awake until you fell back asleep first. But of course that didn't happen for a while as you kept silent for a moment.

"Do you want to do it?"

My eyes widened in surprise as I stared at you, blinking dumbly as I thought I hadn't heard right.

"What?"

"I asked if you want to do it now."

I frowned, because apparently I had heard correctly.

"Yah, don't play with my feelings like that, or are you still drunk?" I dared to put a hand on your forehead to measure your temperature, but you slapped it away as a joke.

"Well, if you don't want to do it that's fine." You turned around on the bed to be on your right side, your back facing me as I felt a current that ran through my body until it stopped at my crotch – well, how inconvenient – when I understood that you were serious about making love right now.

"No, wait, come back, I do want to." I said impatiently, drawing your body against mine as I hugged you from behind, your hair brushing against my face as I made you actually laugh.

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

HI EVERYONE! HOPE YOU ARE OKAY AND SAFE.

NEW CHAPTER HERE. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

THANKS FOR READING! X O X O - V.