Song #16

I think you’re magical
I think you’re wonderful
Because of you, my heart is colorful
In the black and dark world
The moment I try to close my eyes
You make my life colorful – Colorful.

A day before returning Seoul, Minho had brought Gahul back home to greet us when we arrived.

"Hello my love!"

You and Gahul couldn't be happier to see each other again, angel. I could see it in the movement of his tail and in the kisses he gave you all over your face, or the way you knelt down to receive them, hugging him against you while you kept petting him. As I closed the door to our house, I realized how much you seemed to sincerely love each other and how happy you made each other when the other was around. This was my first time having a pet, and although I was still a little clumsy when Gahul was around (because I still remembered my first experience with a little dog), I was happy to see that he seemed to miss me too, although he preferred to choose you more, especially now with the baby in your belly.

“Do you need help, angel?” I asked, and you laughed sheepishly as you took my hand to help you up from the ground. “Every week that passes it seems more difficult to bend down.”

You exhaled deeply before answering.

“Did you notice it too? I realized that when I couldn't sit on the floor to play with my nephews, but people told me that in a few more weeks I won't be able to see my feet so, let's hope for the best.”

You gave two thumbs up before laughing again.

“Do you want to eat something before going to sleep, angel?”

You considered it for a few seconds.

“No, I think I ate enough on the plane: I'd rather get ready for bed if that's okay with you.”

“Of course, angel.”

Even after a week at your grandfather's house, you still seemed a little unsure about being alone with me, but this was better than nothing. For this night I left the suitcases at the entrance of the house and with Gahul lying on the sofa in the living room ready to sleep, we both went up the stairs towards our room. But for the first time in a long time, the silence between us wasn't awkward, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could clearly read the signals your body was sending me. Like the moment your hand brushed mine and you held on to it instead of pulling away, like the moment you held me close to you instead of pulling away.

My heart must have been beating fast like yours, I just knew.

I pushed the door open to our room to let you in first, but you never let my hand go in the direction of the bed.

“Is this okay with you, angel?” I whispered close to you.

The warmth of the place was still intact despite our absence.

Your hands clung to my jacket, and for the first time in a long time, you looked me in the eyes with your warm gaze like you did a few weeks ago.

In the privacy of our home, in our room, you let me approach you body and soul when I slowly began to take off your pants. I was nervous and my heart knew it, that's why it was beating so fast that I felt it in my throat, in my ears, but the emotion that ran like pure adrenaline through my veins bubbled in my body when I passed your shirt out of your arms and your body.

I could promise you that I only had the intention of helping you at first, but your gaze shone as bright as the stars in the night, stars that seemed to have been hung by you in the sky of my life. For me, you who were my day and night, you who were and will always be my everything, you let me get close to you for the first time in weeks since you woke up from that deep sleep in which you were immersed. As you pushed my jacket so I could take it off, I realized that I had loved the new you so much, the one who didn't remember me but who fell in love with me again, that it was as if I had never gone through those years alone, not when I had you back in my life, by my side, being only mine.

But was this what you really wanted?

“I don't want to do something you might regret later.” I said, slowly as I looked into your eyes.

You shook your head.

“I never regretted loving you so much, Lee Jinki, never, neither before nor after I woke up. Always, all my life I have been only yours, and this is where I want to be, with you.”

Even though your words were like a bucket of cold water, because I never expected you to say something like that to me, not when I saw so much fear in your eyes these weeks, I realized that you had not stopped loving me either, in no second of your life, even with all the pain you kept inside.

You looked into my eyes, beaming, and smiled before placing your warm fingers on my face, caressing my cheek gently.

"I love you." You whispered, looking into my eyes. “You believe me, right?”

I nodded, and at that moment I felt like I couldn't love you more, and when there was no piece of clothing that came between us, I laid you down on the bed and sank inside you, slowly so as not to hurt you, but I saw in your face and in the sounds you made the sensation caused by feeling me inside you, as if you had forgotten it and that everything had suddenly returned.

I kissed you softly after a long absence, I kissed you deeply when we started moving at the same time. I could say we made love like never before, and it felt warm and old memories came flooding back to me, from the first time we did it, to the last time. Every touch, every caress, every kiss and hug, all were memories that would stay in my memory forever. We made it soft, but it was comforting to see that you enjoyed it like I did, that you needed it as much as I did: and when we both reached the highest point, we were able to get back to who we were and I knew we would be okay regardless.

It was easy to fall asleep hugging each other after that, because we were in our bed, in our room, but when I woke up a few hours later, the day was gray outside our window, and you were sitting against the headboard of the bed, wearing only my T-shirt.

"You should be sleeping." You told me, as if you were able to tell when I was asleep or not.

I lay on my right side to look at you.

"By your side? Yes, I should." I said, but we remained silent for a few seconds. I watched you in silence for a moment, and then decided to ask you a question that had been on my mind since we moved. "Do you think this place is your home? This house was your home." I sat against the headboard of the bed, too. When my eyes tried to find yours, I knew it was hard for you to look at me. "I'm sorry, angel, I didn't mean to make you feel sad... but like you, I am also trying to understand this situation."

"Do you think I'm doing wrong, being like this?"

I wanted to make you feel better somehow.

"I think you have the right to be confused, angel. I just want you to know that no one is pressuring you to understand everything that is happening. You can take all the time you need to heal."

As you drew your legs towards you, you rested your chin on your arms.

"I went to the park where we used to play when we were kids. On a cold morning like that the children seemed not to notice it, and they continued to play on the swings, laughing carefree. I watched them from afar, smiling to myself to imagine Jae playing like them someday. The grass beneath my converse looked wet with dew and leaves of the trees were painted green. I walked around the place while my mind showed me the memories of you, and me, playing on the swings too. Across the park, and at some point in the previous years I guess, that pond had grown and now had a wooden bridge over it. I walked over it remembering the dream I had months ago about you giving me a feather for the bracelet that it wasn't mine. I remember the times we played in the park. You, holding my hand as we walked. Even you holding my hand when owed no longer do, and I can see it in my mind every time I close my eyes..."

I chuckled. All those memories that had suddenly come back to you on the day of the accident, I had kept in my mind since they happened.

"Mom told me to be a gentleman with you, angel, and I understood that to be one meant to hold your hand no matter what."

"You were, and still are."

I leaned forward to take your hand.

"Don't be sad, angel. Everything will be fine. We will beat this, I promise."

When you spoke again, your voice shook a little with uncertainty.

"After how long? One day? One week? One year?"

At that moment I understood that what hurt you was not knowing when you were going to be okay.

"It will not take so long. We have gone through different situations and we were able to overcome them all. This will be no different."

"But this is different." You stared out the window when your eyes filled with tears, unable to look at me. "These situations... the problem doesn't come from outside, it comes from inside me."

"Angel–"

"What did you think when I said I could remember you? Did you think this would be otherwise?" 

The room remained silent for long seconds. There was so much I wanted to tell you since you woke up, angel, and it hurt me not to be able to explain to you how happy I was: it was like having found you again after so long.

"The moment you looked at me... so scared of the new reality that you were facing, I knew it would be hard for you to accept that this was true. I knew you wouldn't accept with open arms the idea that you and I had known each other since childhood. This is hard for me too, but not as much as it is for you, angel. By the time you're completely fine and your heart heals, mine will do it too."

You laughed sadly.

"It has always been like this. Right? Your happiness depends on mine. It's funny because my happiness depends on whether or not you are at my side."

I wanted to hug you, desperately, but I knew that, for some reason, my closeness would only make you cry more, so I leaned over the bed and reached for the red box I've kept underneath since we moved here, the same one I started filling with letters I never sent you. A part of me felt like a part of my life was hidden in those letters, but it also felt like good knowing that they would finally see the light of day and that they would finally reach their destination after so long.

"Every word that I couldn't tell you is written in the letters that I never sent you. I wrote every feeling I felt for you since your accident. If this does not tell you what I can't, if this does not make you understand what I can't... then I'll let you go. You need to understand, angel, that I always loved you without fear of anything because to me, you have always been my all.”

I left the box on the bed, I dared to hold you in a hug that could express my love for you and finally, I put on my pajama pants before getting up. Something that I had left out and that I was not yet ready to tell you, was that just today I had a trip to Japan with my members, one last concert before saying goodbye to my fans to focus solely on you and your recovery.

As I got into the shower, I realized that this was not a decision I had made lightly, in fact, it was something I talked about with my band members and thought about for a long time. The baby and you were my life, angel, my everything, and that had surpassed my desire to sing again, or to ever sing again.

When I came out and changed, I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and approached you carefully, because you seemed immersed in the last letter I ever sent on your last birthday.

"I have to go now." I kissed your shoulder and I hoped that Jae could feel my touch on your belly. "I love you both so much.”

I separated from you and walked out of the room towards the hallway and up the stairs to the first floor. As I went downstairs, Gahul was still sleeping peacefully on the biggest sofa until he felt me coming. When I was in the living room, he approached me wagging his tail from side to side.

“I have to go, son. Be good and stay with mommy, okay?”

I kissed Gahul on the head before walking away. I grabbed my backpack from the table near the entrance and opened the door to leave. The van with my members was already waiting for me at the entrance.

"Did you tell her?" Kibum asked the moment I sat down in one of the back seats.

"Not yet."

Our driver started the car and drove away from my home.

“You should do it now.” Jong said from ahead. “Don't you think Juls should be part of this decision?”

“But if hyung tell her she will say no.” Minho added. “And hyung is doing this for her and their baby.”

“Are you sure about this, hyung?” Tae asked.

I nodded, because I had never been more sure of anything in my life. The ticket I bought for you was now in your father's hands, and if you didn't come look for me before I left, then I would do it, I was willing to do it. When I called you on the phone, I felt that luck was on my side and that's why you didn't answer, so this would be easier to say if I didn't hear your voice directly.

"Angel, there's something I need to tell you. I could not tell this in the house, but... I will fly to Japan to give my last concert. I say this on phone because like every morning, it is difficult to me to say goodbye to you. This will be the last time we are separated, angel, so please wait for me. I know that being with your family is what you need now, so I could not take you away from them, but doing this, at this time, is the hardest thing I've done in my life, so this will be the last time we're apart. I love you."

I hung up the call and prayed for the best.

The ride to the airport was silent for some reason, and although I hoped it wasn't my fault, I knew it was because my members were my family too and always wanted the best for me. It made me laugh that everyone was against this, but they still gave me their blessing if it meant being with you and the baby. That thought made me smile: you were barely 16 weeks pregnant and I was already counting the weeks until our baby would come into our lives, so I could hold him against me for the first time. My heart was filled with joy as I imagined us together, the 3 of us, the 4 of us with Gahul and then everyone who was present in our lives. Despite everything, life seemed colorful when I thought about us, together, forever.

The trip through the airport gates was quick despite the people waiting to see us.

I was the last one to check his passport and in that moment, that was when I heard your voice, because I was always going to be able to recognize it wherever I went.

"¡Oppa!"

Like a fool, I turned to where you were, standing there so close to me, with your plane ticket in hand while you were wearing a chocolate-colored jacket that hid any evidence of your pregnancy.

"Angel..." I walked toward you, smiling like an idiot. "You came."

You smiled.

"You didn't expect that, right?"

"No, but I was praying for you to do it."

You extended your hand to my face, drawing my eyebrow with your finger, gently. Your hand touched my cheek in one smooth motion, and it was you who approached me until your lips touched mine. I smiled against your lips, and my left arm tightened around your waist to pull you toward me, thanking God for this moment.

"But I need to tell you this for the last time..." You said against my lips and I looked at me curiously, watching you hitting my shoulder slightly. "Stop saying you're going to retire from music."

"It's hard being an idol and not be with you, angel." I pouted. "But if you promise to go with me to all trips, then I'll stop saying it."

You bit your lips before talking.

"That will be a little difficult when my belly starts to grow more."

"But we need to be together, angel, the three of us."

I was ready to tell the world, so I knelt on one knee to be at the level of your belly. My hand hugged your waist when I let a kiss on it and on your shirt under your open coat. When I got up, I was smiling like a child.

"I think you just tell everyone that I'm pregnant."

"I didn't say anything." I shrugged, even if all the people was looking at us. "My lips are just to kiss you."

You chuckled.

"That's very cute, but I think you have to turn around."

 Not to mention the fans around and their cameras, SHINee members were smiling like their managers.

"Come on." I held your hand to walk toward them.

Every one of them gave you a warm hug. After that, I held you from behind all the way towards the plane, with my hands hide on your coat and my smile against your cheek.

"I love you."

"I love you more, angel."

–––––– TO THE BEAUTIFUL YOU ––––––

Hello everyone. It's been a long time since I updated this story and I hope you still like it. We are almost at the end so I hope you support its continuation. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this and sorry if there are any errors or words in Spanish hehehe I will try to correct it immediately. XOXO - V.