It's been years since she left the group, and it's also been years since she tried to move on from the feelings she had for the girl. 

 

She thinks she moved on. A lot of her fans also do think that she was already over the incident. Who wouldn't? Since the girl left, she's been up and about doing lots of things. Song releases and concerts alike.

 

She's been doing great, even if she's alone. She's gotten used to it since then.

 

She needed to get used to it since then.

 

That is how Taeyeon lived after Jessica left. And it's how Taeyeon is still living after the group disbanded 2 years ago.

 

It was a decision that everyone of them agreed on. They've lived their lives as a group for a long time now, and they couldn't help but just want to live a life free from the media after those long years of being in front of the cameras.

 

After the disbandment, most of them stayed in Korea, and some went overseas to permanently stay there. 

 

As for her, Taeyeon preferred to travel. She would always tell others that it's because she wants to explore, but only she herself knows the real reason.

 

Because traveling preoccupies her. It makes her busy and it takes her places, away from Korea, and away from all the sad lingering memories of her and Jessica. 

 

At first, writing songs helped her with the sadness, and then eventually having the members by her side helped her with the loneliness, but now, no one's by her side. Each and everyone of them is now off trying to live their own personal lives, with freedom to do what they want, something that was way overdue for them.

 

And that's just something she can't take away from her members, because it's the same thing that took Jessica away from her.

 

Taeyeon heavily sighs. Her second day in Italy is already over and she's now back inside her huge hotel room, alone.

 

Italy is actually nice. In the blonde's perspective, everything looked so beautiful and picturesque, and the people are really welcoming. She went sight seeing, roaming around the beautiful city alone.

 

Taeyeon is fine with being by herself anyways.

 

But she doesn't know why even though her day went as planned, she still feels quite empty.

 

Throwing her bag and coat somewhere on the couch, Taeyeon heads to her bed and immediately plops down, letting herself sink in the comfort of the soft mattress— not until her phone blatantly rings.

 

"Ugh! Really? Now?" Taeyeon groans, her phone still ringing out loud. With a sigh, she lazily gets up and fishes her phone from her bag and settles to just sit on the couch instead.

 

"Yoboseo?" The blonde answers without even taking a look at who her caller might be.

 

But she didn't need to, specially when it was the person on the other line who spoke first. Taeyeon knows her voice too well anyways.

 

"Hey boo! I miss you!!!~" The girl on the other line excitedly greets Tae, making the latter smile. It's been quite long since they were able to contact each other anyways.

 

"Fany-ah. I miss you too! It's a good thing you called." 

 

Tae's mood instantly flipped, excited that Tiffany called her, she is her best friend after all. But still, Taeyeon couldn't hide that sad tone in her voice from the girl that knows her all too well. "Okay, so what is it? You sounded glum. Is everything alright boo?"

 

Is everything alright? Taeyeon sighs for almost the nth time that day as she now proceeds to lay back down, on the couch this time, facing the beige hotel room ceiling. The blonde thinks everything's fine. She's successful. Money is not a problem anymore. Even after they've disbanded, her fans continue to still support her. She now has the freedom away from the media that she had always wanted. She's even traveling now! 

 

Everything is fine. Everything should be fine.

 

But why does it feel like it isn't. As if she's still empty inside.

 

"Nothing. Just bored out of my wits."

 

This time it's Tiffany who sighs. "How can you be bored? You're in Italy! You're traveling! You're definitely not bored boo. You're lonely."

 

"C'mon, don't deduce my feelings like that miss detective Hwang."

 

"But hey, seriously though." Tiffany probes on the topic even more, eventually making Taeyeon laugh as she thinks that her friend's ideas can be really silly. "We're free from all those scandals now Tae. It's already been two years. Not to mention that you're away from Korea. Don't you think it's the time to find, you know... A girl?"

 

"Wow. Kinda thought you were my mom back there." The blonde scoffs at her friend. She knows Tiffany is just worried about her though, but she really just doesn't want to talk about it right now. "Anyways, enough about me. How're things there in LA?"

 

Taeyeon knows that Tiffany would get the hint, and that her best friend would understand why she doesn't want to go deeper into that topic. And Tiffany actually did stop on trying to probe into her best friend's love life  and just settled on telling Tae her stories from LA instead. Well, until Tiffany had to cut the call short because of some report she still has to finish.

 

"I'm sorry boo, I'll call you later after I'm done okay?"

 

"Okay okay. Good luck with that report of yours. Bye Fany.~"

 

With that their phone call was cut, leaving Tae all bored and alone again in her hotel room.

 

"Guess I'll be sleeping then." The blonde shrugs and walks back to plop into her bed and rest.

 

---

 

"Oh my gosh. At this hour?" Taeyeon stirs from her sleep as she groans while standing up, proceeding to the living room still half asleep. Yes she was expecting the call from Tiffany since the latter said she would, but still, it's way past midnight.

 

The blonde quickly rummages the couch for her phone, not being able to take its annoying ringing anymore. Soon as she grabs a hold of it, Tae immediately answers the call.

 

"Fany-ah, I know you promised you'd call, but I think you've forgotten the time difference. It's like 3 am here in Italy." Taeyeon talks right off the bat even with her voice still hoarse to let her best friend know just how sleepy she is right now, but rather than a cutely apologizing Tiffany, the blonde was just met with silence from the other line. 

 

"Yah. Hwang Miyoung. You there?"

 

To her surprise, a voice totally different from Tiffany's echoed from the other line.

 

"Hey."

 

"You..." The blonde was rendered speechless when she heard her voice. Taeyeon didn't even know how or when but she suddenly felt an instant pang in her chest. "Si–Jessica..."

 

"I'm glad you still recognize me Taeyeon." The voice of her past lover continued to hurt Taeyeon. It's as if hearing Jessica is some kind of poison for her. But even so, Taeyeon can't bring herself to end the call.

 

Right now Taeyeon couldn't deny it. She still misses her.

 

"T-Taeyeon, I..." Jessica sounded very hesitant, and that certain tone in her just broke Taeyeon even more.

 

Why? 

 

Taeyeon thought to herself. All this time she thought that she had moved on, that she had forgotten everything about her.

 

 

The pain.

 

The memories.

 

Everything.

 

 

"Why did you call?" It was the only thing that Taeyeon was able to say. It was the only thing she could muster to ask without breaking down. She doesn't want Jessica to know how broken she still is. No, she doesn't, because she isn't. She's fine. 

 

Her feelings have been numb all these years, and she's fine with that. She survived each and every day like that.

 

Yet maybe deep inside she isn't okay. That deep inside, within the days, weeks, and even years that passed by, she still misses the girl. That it just didn't occur to her because she's been keeping herself busy. 

 

"I— It's been quite a while a-and, I just thought that may-maybe—"

 

But it did now.

 

All the longing, the sadness, and the regret that she masked with her smiles, that she tried to bury underneath her busy schedules, everything just exploded all by itself.

 

"Maybe what? Just out with it Jessica." Taeyeon cuts the other girl in a very cold manner.

 

The other line instantly went silent, and what she just did made her scoff. 

 

She's hurting so much, but at the same time she missed hearing her. 

 

It felt as if she herself was re-opening a wound in her.

 

I must be crazy.

 

What once were just stings in her chest now started to flow out of her eyes in forms of tears and suppressed sobs as she's trying to hold in everything by biting her lips, to the point that it might bleed anytime soon.

 

But she's already on that edge of the cliff, threatening to fall.

 

"T-Taeng, I—"

 

"Don't call me that... Please Jessica just..." And it was right then and there that the blonde fell apart. Taeyeon started crying hard at the voice of Jessica calling her the nickname that she made for her. The endearment that Jessica loved calling her with. It was laced with so much memories that just started gushing out of her as soon as she heard it once again from Jessica, making her a sobbing mess.

 

There was a clear gasp that was heard from the other line as soon as Taeyeon cried her heart out. "Taeng... A-are you crying?" Jessica's question was laced with utmost concern, yet because of all the negative emotions suddenly gushing out of her, the blonde can't help but feel like Jessica is just taking pity on her.

 

And that's the last thing she wanted from the girl. She doesn't need her pity.

 

But who could blame her? Jessica wanted her freedom from the toxic mass media, the biggest reason why she actually left, but in the process, Jessica also left Taeyeon, and with the most hurtful reason for the blonde at that. 

 

"Be-because it's what's th-the b-best for the both of us."

 

"Tae, what are you saying? I—"

 

"That's what you said when you broke up with me Jessica!" Taeyeon doesn't know how she's still managing to talk to Jessica like this. But she has to let her know that all this time, she's still hurting.

 

Taeyeon badly wants to blame it all on Jessica...

 

... Yet she just can't.

 

She knows how trapped Jessica felt back then, how she was so affected by the haters. 

 

But they both promised to be there for each other and go through those hardships together, and that's what hurts the most for her.

 

That Jessica left her alone.

 

"Taeng, I-it is for the best." This time the girl on the other line started explaining herself to Taeyeon, still quite composed at this point of their conversation. "C-continuing on our relationship... I-it just wou-wouldn't work."

 

With Korea not being really open with same- relationships, it was hard for the both of them back then, and Taeyeon fought so hard for their relationship, and she thought that Jessica was fighting by her side as well, but when they broke up, she realized that she wasn't. And remembering all those things now crushes her even more. 

 

Because they both know how they loved each other so much.

 

It's just that one was fighting for the both of them, while the other felt guilty and sorry as she wasn't as brave to do so.

 

"How could you even say that when you were the one who gave up on trying?!" Taeyeon now raised her voice. She can't keep everything in anymore as she continues to sob even harder. On the other hand, it's as if her statement cut through Jessica and rendered her speechless, that there was a long pause on the other line.

 

Not until Taeyeon's cries didn't cease that Jessica's worried voice was heard again. "Taeng, p-ple-please don't be like this. Please don't cry..."

 

But rather than calming the blonde down, the statement triggered her emotions even more.

 

Taeyeon snapped.

 

"Then what do you expect me to do?! I have always been crying Jessica! Time moved forward yet I was still there on those times that we were both happy!"

 

It's not only that Taeyeon still misses Jessica after all these years, it was also that Taeyeon still hasn't moved on from Jessica up until now. The blonde might not admit it even to herself, but deep inside her heart, she actually knows that Jessica is still there, and saying everything out loud to that one person she still deeply loves but now doesn't love her back makes her feel as if she's cutting a knife through her chest just to be able to let go of everything.

 

"I've never forgotten! I have always been on the edge of breaking down and I'm just trying so ing hard to conceal it! All these years I've been a mess Sica!"

 

"I'm sorry Taeyeon... I'm so, so, sorry..." The apology was sudden, but when Taeyeon heard quiet sniffles from the other line, she knows it was sincere, but she can't help but still feel mad.

 

Wasn't she the one who's been hurt all these time?

 

Those days suddenly came back to Taeyeon. The days where she'd perform and smile but feel empty and incomplete afterwards, and it just seems so unfair, specially when she's seeing news about the other girl being happy with a different person now. 

 

Why is it so unfair?

 

"Now you're crying? After you call me earlier all godamn composed, you  suddenly cry and apologize?!" Taeyeon just can't take all of this in right now. With her hand clenching hard on her arm to control herself from bursting again, she tries her best not to raise her voice and stutter with her reply. "I just can't... I know you're sincere but, it's just so unfair..."

 

Yet even with her own efforts, Taeyeon couldn't help but just tremble and cry at the last words that she wanted to say to the other girl.

 

"I still love you Sica, I still miss you, but this... This just hurts so much..."

 

Yes Jessica may be sincere, and yes she still loves the latter, but for Taeyeon, she's still in too much misery to forgive her at this point.

 

Maybe someday...

 

Maybe when she's forgotten the pain...

 

But not now.

 

With continues quiet sobs on the other line, Taeyeon hears Jessica force out a small chuckle, as if trying to chase her own tears away.  "I— I understand... So much for thinking that I could finally apologize...

 

... Bye Taeng, thank you for the time."

 

---

 

Sunlight that was already seeping through the hotel rooms curtain wakes Taeyeon up.

 

The blonde sits right up from her sleeping position and realizes that she had slept on the sofa, probably because of how she still kept sobbing even after Jessica had called that she just cried herself to sleep.

 

Oh yeah... She called.

 

Taeyeon prays it was just a dream, but she knows it's not. A deep and heavy sigh came out from the blonde as she remembered what had happened, even though she wanted to forget about it.

 

The blonde then settles down on a thought. That she should really move on now.

 

With this, Taeyeon reached for her phone that was on the coffee table to eventually delete Jessica's phone number in it, but as soon as she opens it, Jessica's name was already flashing on the screen, along with a message that made her chest tighten and her eyes tear up once again.

 

I still miss you too.