HYUKJAE POV •

"KyuHyun can't go to work today and he wants me to cover his shift"

I wonder if he realized how much that sentence pissed me off when he said it. I wonder if he did it on purpose too, maybe he knows the mere thought of it would make me angry, maybe that’s why he left in a rush, too fast for me to object, not that I could have objected, to what? Him being a nice person? Or at least that’s what it was back then, back when I was too caught up in my pessimistic internal musings. Too distracted by the anger and despair that came with the idea that his relationship with that guy is more than friendship, to realize that it may not be an idea at all. It took me a whole of 15 minutes after he left to cool my head down and think logically about the situation, to try and put some sense into his hurried departure. After I had calmed myself and was thinking rationally, it only took me 2 more minutes to remember something: KyuHyun doesn’t have a ing shift on saturday’s.

After realization struck me, it took me over half an hour to ponder on what to do with it, because honestly: What do I do? My boyfriend lied to me, he tricked me to leave my side, he made up a story already infuriating in itself to hide who knows what else that could be so much worse. I want to trust him, really, I keep telling myself I shouldn’t jump into conclusions and assume the worst from him, but it's too hard to ignore the fact that he lied to my face. If he feels the need to lie about it, he’s hiding something, and if he's hiding it, then it is something wrong that he feels – or should feel – bad about. And as much as I try to stop my mind from going there, where else could he be? If he had a previous engagement he knows I would have understood, if he got a call from a friend inviting him to hang out then he can go, I’m not the possessive type, he can have his friends and he knows that; if it’s a private family matter or anything of the like, then he can keep it to himself and just tell me it’s something he can’t or doesn’t want to talk to me about, I would have understood as well and supported him in any way I could, I’m also not the most open person about that aspect of my life, but at least he knows what I’m hiding and why, I don’t lie to him about anything! I know I’m not the best boyfriend but what’s so great about that guy anyway?!

Yet again my anger is getting the worst out of me. I don’t have anger management issues or anything of the sort, I’m just very sensitive about infidelity because I’ve already had it done to me twice before. Like I said I’m not a possessive person, I’ve learnt from past relationships that keeping a leash too short on your significant other makes them want to escape all the more, but they don’t escape by ending the relationship, oh no, for some reason they think it’s a good idea to sneak behind your back, find themselves somebody else, yet remain by your side, if only physically and by name since their hearts no longer belong to you.

Why do they do it? Kicks and giggles? Do they receive some sort of twisted pleasure from having several people pinning for them at the same time?

My first girlfriend cheated on me, that’s before I knew I was gay and even though I didn’t love her, the betrayal hurt my self esteem pretty bad and it took me awhile to get back on the game, then came a pretty decent guy called Junsu whom I dated for 15 months, sadly he moved out of the country and my distrust surged forward at the suggestion of a long distance relationship so I let him go, no strings attached even though he said we’d see where we stand once he comes back after graduating – but he already graduated and remains nowhere to be seen –, but I’m not putting much faith on that since I moved on so he probably did the same. Sadly the guy I moved on to was another cheater and we only lasted 4 months before I found out. I was pretty depressed after that one and became a literal man- for the next 6 months, I went clubbing, got drunk and hooked up with complete strangers, you know, the usual when you’re heartbroken, but I was reckless and caught chlamydia. It was the worst scare of my life, thankfully it was diagnosed on time and quickly cured, but it was the wake up call I needed to get out of that horrible path I had strayed towards.

Then I met SungMin, he was kinda chubby when younger so he used to get bullied and learnt judo to defend himself. Sure our situations were completely different, but seeing how he didn’t allow what other did to him to affect him and simply strengthened himself to face the obstacles in his life, instead of wallowing in misery and self-destructing like I had done, it showed me that giving up wasn’t an option just because I had been hurt in the past. I just needed to make myself stronger, albeit emotionally unlike what he had done.

We fell pretty hard pretty quick for each other; we didn’t have many interests in common, but our personalities just clicked, you know? Like he was the one, it felt like it was really going to work out this time; He’s 2 years older than me, more mature and experienced, and I myself felt like an improved version of the 17-year-old me. At first it seemed like I was right, it was working, Minnie renewed my faith in love if you wanna call it that. I’d hate to see the man himself destroy it for the third time. I’d hate to have my heart broken again because I’m not good enough, because someone out there can make my boyfriend happier and he’s found him, and he’s not leaving me for him, but playing with us both instead.

But I can’t let that happen, I refuse to go through that hell all over again and if he won’t confront me about it, might as well take the initiative myself, to let him know that I know and to go away, because if he’s no longer satisfied with what we have then he should just end it clean instead of ruining it like this.

It’s not right. It hurts.