KYUHYUN'S POV

Never in my life have I felt more anxious as the time when I checked my texts this morning. There was one from Ryeowook that he sent last night at midnight asking me to mother his children, obviously drunk, but I guess it is a good thing the text was sent to me on accident instead of his ex girlfriend, whom I can only assume was the intended addressee. That one made me laugh, so my day began on a good mood until I saw the text from Sungmin and my mood did a one eighty. ‘let’s meet up today. i wanna tell u face2face’, it read. Rushed, messy, so unlike him, he’s not usually one to abbreviate, I even commented on it once and speculated it was because of his age, that was a fun day, he got mad whenever I mentioned the age difference between us but he also knew I was just teasing so he teased back, and we fell into playful banter, it was a good memory among many alike, as if everyday spent together ended up being a treasured remembrance and I don’t want to be the only one to appreciate them, but if he can’t see how perfect we are together, how everything just clicks when our eyes meet, if he's willing to turn his back on the happiness we could have together, there is nothing I can do but hope that he decides otherwise, hope that I’m not the only one who holds these feelings.

So I tried not to shake while I answered his text, I succeeded, but my hands were still sweating as I typed a simple response: ‘Okay, I’ll see you at the ice cream parlor from yesterday, what time is fine with you?’

He took almost too long to reply, and while I waited, I kept thinking that it might be too soon, he’s going to give me my answer already? He made up his mind this fast? I don’t know how to interpret the speed at which he made his final decision about this, about us. Maybe it was so easy, too obvious, and I can’t help but think that he’ll give me the same answer than before, the one that came so quickly to his mouth, “I can’t”, cold and unforgiving, a swift cut yet so very deep it’s still bleeding, I don’t want to hear those words again, I don’t want to know what they truly mean, I can’t be with you? I can’t leave Hyukjae? I can’t love you? Is that it? NO, I don’t want to think about it. I won’t. It is Me who cannot this time.

His reply comes at 3 in the afternoon in the form of a picture through snapchat: ‘Already here’, says the caption that accompanies his selfie, I could tell by the background that it was true, he was indeed already at the parlor, waiting for me to get there, expecting me to run there as fast as I could and only for the sake of proving my devotion to him, I complied. I had already showered so that was out of the way, and I took a cab instead of waiting for the bus, even though I knew it was far and would cost me a lot, but there was something that I needed to prove, something that he wanted me to prove. He wanted to see what I was capable of, the test itself was silly, but the merit obtained if passed was not, it’ll show him how much I truly care, that I’m serious about this and I’ll do anything to make it, us happen.

So I ran, even though I was just outside the parlor. I paid the taxi driver more than I should have in my rush to get out when I saw him through the glass wall, sipping a milkshake. I ran in and almost fell on my face as I stumbled towards him thoroughly making a fool of myself, but I don’t care because he smiled, grinned joyfully, amused with my misery. I sat down in front of him and his beautiful smile remained in place even after the moment had passed, after I had settled down and even ordered when the waiter came. There was nothing funny anymore for him to laugh at, but he was still smiling widely. That’s when I knew what he came to tell me where good news. Had to be.

“You didn’t have to run here, it was my fault for coming too early, I could have waited” he spoke, playing with the straw inside his cup, his voice was light, the mood around us was comfortable and my nerves subsided. No, he didn’t come here to break my heart. Couldn't have.

“I didn’t want you to, plus I was already ready to leave so it’s fine” I said and I wasn’t lying.

“You even paid a taxi, didn’t you? Silly” he reprimanded, if that can be called a reprimand, I doubt it can with the pretty twinkle he had in his eye while he said it, he was pleased and I am pleased to please him, I hope he knows that.

“It wasn’t much, don’t worry” I reassured and then the waiter came with my ice cream, I had ordered two balls of bubblegum flavored ice cream in a cup, not wanting it to spill as it melted if left unattended, as I was bound to get distracted. I took a spoon full and began to eat in silence as he sipped the rest of his shake. None of us said a word until he finished. I still had some left but it remained ignored.

“Listen, Kyu… I thought very hard about what we talked about yesterday” he began, a hand reaching out to grasp mine in a comforting manner, I didn’t want comfort, I didn’t want there to be a reason for me to need it “I went to see Hyukjae and I told him about us, he… he wasn’t even mad, he was so understanding and forgave me so easily” that’s good for you, good for him. That means you can still be friends. Just friends, right? “So we spent the night talking and I realized how much I had missed those moments with him, how much I missed him” His thumb is rubbing the back of my hand now as he speaks in that sweet, adoring tone, soothing “So I spent the night at his place and it felt so right waking up in his arms” Stop, why is he saying this? He hadn't looked like he came to break my heart so, why is he stomping on it? “Then I began to have all these thoughts about our relationship, how good it was at some point, thinking we could go back there if we tried, if I hadn’t given up on us” Please, please, stop “The I thought about you and realized I couldn’t bring myself to give you up either”.

“Minnie, no” I croaked out, trying my best to appear strong and resolute through my dried throat, like I wasn’t about to break because he needs to understand that he can’t have one and the other forever, I can’t deal with that.

“I know what you mean and I don’t want that kind of arrangement again either. I know you want me to make a choice” then choose! “And I’ve already made up my mind. I know it seems rushed but the truth is, I believe in my heart I’ve always had the answer, as cheesy as it sounds” then just say it, please “I just want to say I’m sorry Kyu” No, no, no, no, please, no, minnie, please, please! “That it took me this long to realize I am my happiest beside you”.

…

…

…

He said, and I cried, in happiness and frustration and everything that had piled up since I met him. And he cried, in happiness as he hugged me, spilling my melted ice cream on the table when he reached over it but none of us cared. We were crying and hugging but most importantly we were together, finally, without that weight on our shoulders. We can be happy now. Our happiest.