KYUHYUN POV •

The smile splitting my face as I talk with Minnie over the phone only widens when he agrees to go out with me today; I have a full day of activities planned for the both of us, I want to get him on a good mood before I pop the question: I want him to leave Hyukjae and become my boyfriend instead. I know it may sound like a selfish thing to do, I should be grateful that he even spares me a glance when he’s already dating a handsome guy, but I just feel so bad being like this with him, knowing he belongs to someone else, it just feels wrong. We never had again after that first time two weeks ago, he felt too guilty about it and ignored all my texts and calls for the weekend, but eventually forgave me and especially himself. My heart still breaks whenever I remember that morning, when I woke up holding the man I love in my arms, the happiest I could ever be, only for him to start shaking as he cried uncontrollably and wiggle out of my grasp. He got off the bed and dressed himself in a hurry, when he finally looked at me, his eyes were full with tears and a myriad of emotions I couldn’t name; he didn’t even yell at me, he just left. My heart broke as I realized what we had done, what I had done to him, what he had done to his boyfriend, and how much he regretted it.

When we finally got to talk about it, the tension was so unbearable I almost kissed him again, but I held myself back knowing he wanted us to stay platonic, he didn’t want whatever it was that we had to interfere with his relationship and I respected that, so we went back to the close friendship we had before that night and all was fine for the most part until friday came around: Friday means HyukJae. The thought that they would go to Minnie’s apartment and sleep together kept me awake all night because I knew how it went every time; he had told me all about it one night a long time ago, before he knew of my feelings for him. I know there’s always an angry love bite on the back of Sungmin’s neck, low enough for all his shirts to hide it, how it matches the red marks running down Hyuk’s back, never harsh enough to draw blood; I know how good Hyuk is, how good he makes Min feel, but I also know that that’s the only thing keeping them together.

He doesn’t need to say it for me to understand, I’m not stupid, their relationship is falling apart, they fell out of love with each other a long time ago, it’s useless to try and keep that relationship alive when I could make him happier if he just realized how much of a lost cause they are. He’s already told me he likes me, though he’s not sure if as much as I like him, but I don’t care, we can work on it, I can get him there, make him fall in love with me if he’ll just let me. But for some reason he refuses to break up with his boyfriend and he’ll deny it if you ask him but my guess is that the only reason he can’t move on from that guy in their ual compatibility which according to him, we seem to lack, not that he has said it, but the way he behaves around me is as if I don’t attract him physically, which bothers me greatly since that night I became one with him was the best I’ve ever had and I had hoped that he’d feel the same way but apparently not.

I suppose I should feel flattered that he wants to have a platonic loving relationship with me while just using the other for his body, but it honestly feels like the opposite sometimes, like he loves HyukJae’s body more and is using my feelings to fill some kind of emotional void. I hate having those kinds of thoughts, always having doubts and wondering if he’ll ever consider me his priority; so today I’ll make him choose, once and for all if he wants to start a serious relationship with me or stay with him, he can’t have us both, I refuse to be his friend with sentimental benefits while he’s still dating that guy, utilizing the both of us. That’s just wrong and it needs to stop, I’ll make it stop.

But if he doesn’t choose me...