Happy #Eunhaeday2k16 

Today is a special day, today my boyfriend and I celebrate our six months anniversary, the most amazing six months of my entire life, a roller coaster of feelings that I can never get tired of, we laugh we cry, we scream, we mansae, not to say we have relationship full of constant drama, but just being with him, everyday's an adventure, every second by his side is a beautiful memory that I’ll never forget, the texts, the calls, the cuddles, the movie nights, the kisses, the dates, be it special or mundane, a simple Mac and cheese on a lazy night in, or a fancy rooftop dinner, no matter the place, or the time, if it’s us, if it’s you, then it’s magical.

It has been six long months, Hyukkie, it really has, time blew me by in such a way that I forgot to tell you something. You see, the day of our first date, as we walked in the park and I vented all my insecurities at you, you told me something. You remember Hyuk? Then you told me you didn’t want to rush it, and you were being so romantic but then I sat to thinking that it sounded like you were saying “Forget it”, dismissing it, as if afraid of how I’d react to it, if it’d change anything “Forget I ever said it, don’t think too much about it, you don’t have to say it back if you don’t feel it” That’s what you didn’t say but you meant it.

You’ve never told me you love me a second time.

You’re scared that even after all the beautiful times spent together I still don’t feel it, and I found it weird at first that you would have such a doubt, and then I remembered… to this day, I haven’t said I love you not even once.

You know why that is Hyukjae?

I don’t.

I don’t know what I was waiting for, I don’t know what stopped, I don’t know why it never crossed my mind to voice it. Then I realized it never crossed my mind because it was deeply engraved in it. Loving you comes so natural to me, and I just never felt the need to make a big deal out of the phrase when, in my head, I say them every time we lock eyes, every time I read a text from you, everytime I see a JYP idol on TV, it immediately gets me thinking of you and it gets me saying how much I love you… in my head.

It’s about time, you get to actually hear those thoughts that I have been keeping from you all this time.

But that would be ironic because this is a letter and letters don’t talk, so do me a favor, Hyukjae, go to your room. There’s somebody there with something to say.

Immediately I raise my head from the paper, eyes watery with happy tears, but they refuse to fall. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, taking in the words I just read. I didn’t think he had noticed, I hadn’t noticed myself, but I had been stopping myself from saying those words. He was right, I was scared, I knew he had feelings for me, but I didn’t know how deep, and that’s just me being insecure, because he made sure to show all the love he has, I just needed the words, the confirmation, the promise of a tomorrow that wouldn't be so uncertain because even if life is full of surprises at least I could know that he’d be a part of mine, and that is all my life needs to be complete.

He’s right, these past six months have been heaven and hell, we can’t always be happy, it can’t all be smiles but we manage, we stay together because even through the rough, I knew without him it would only get rougher, it never occurred to me that breaking it off was even an option, because our time apart was so lonely and made me feel so empty, I had no doubts of how dependant I had grown, in the good way.

Is not that I can’t live without him, is that I’d rather not.

And it was hurting me to think that I had fallen this hard while he hadn’t, it made me feel insecure, unwanted, less.

Stupid, stupid Hyukjae.

So I go to my room as the letter I found on a fridge door magnet told me to.

No rose petals, no wine, no candles. But he is there, and that is enough.

He sits at the edge of my bed, smiling brightly, a grin so content and full of love that I can’t help but stretch my one lips as wide as my cheeks allow.

He gets up from the bed and I’ll think he’ll hug me, kiss me, throw me on the bed,  undress me and make sweet sweet love to me for the first time as he whispers the words that I’ve been needing to hear for so long.

He doesn’t do any of that.

He drops on one knee, right hand going to his jean pocket.

And out comes a small velvet blue box.

My breath hitches, my heart stops, those rebellious tears finally fall and he takes a deep breath.

“Lee Hyukjae” - he begins, both arms extended towards me as he offers the still closed box - “Our time has been short, yes. I have a lot to learn about you still, yes. I don’t know how to cook your favorite dishes, or the lyrics to you favorite song, we’ve never even watched your favorite movie together. I don’t know what school you graduated, I’ve never met your parents, I’ve never visited you at work or even seen you . I don’t know everything that you like, or everything that you have done. But I have a lifetime to learn all of that because I already know who you are, and all I need to know, is that I want to spend the rest of my life with that man” - he says, looking straight into my eyes as he opens the box, showing me a silver key - “We live in a country where I can’t ask you to marry me, and you can’t accept, so this is as far as I can compromise myself to you, not because living with you would be convenient, not because I miss you when you aren’t around, not because I want to reassure you, it’s because I WANT to be compromised with you, I want a yes out of your lips, I want a promise, I want a forever together because this the the happiest I’ve ever been and I never want this, us, to end” - his empty hand reaches for one of mine so I step closer, still unable to speak or even blink, letting him hold my right hand while he holds the key in the other, having taken it out of the box. He pauses before looping the circular key holder through my ring finger, and I can only giggle at the silliness of the metaphor before he continues in all seriousness - “The house isn’t big and it isn’t mine, it’s a humble flat I rented but we can make it a home, our home. So, Lee Hyukjae, Will you move in with me?” - he finishes, but I can't grant his wish, I can't tell him yes because my voice is lost, so I just nod and it's so lame, so simple. But he smiles the brightes I've ever seen and the loop comes around my finger, a loose fit because is not a ring. Not a ring, but I never wanted a ring: I don't want the papers or the ceremony or the after party or the honeymoon, I want a life together.

"Oh my God, Dong-" - when finally the air returns

to my lungs and I can talk again, I am silenced by an eager pair of thin lips crushing mine. “I love you so much” is what I wanted to say, but maybe I didn’t need to, and he never said it either. But what’s an “I love you” anyway, when you can just show it and prove that you mean it? Pointless, unnecessary, no more than a phrase and, at the moment, I don’t have oxygen to be forming any of those. I can barely keep from fainting as his mouth devours mine so passionately. Nips and and and argh! I melt in his arms as he walks backwards, pulling the both of us towards my bed.

We fall with a humph and a grunt on his part, the mattress is harder and I'm heavier than he probably calculated, the bottom half of his legs still dangle over the edge, and I haven’t positioned myself comfortably, it’s awkward and we laugh, we just laugh, heartily and freely like we always do, with confidence and mirt. I roll to lay at his right side, we are with our backs on the mattress and only our faces turned to look at the other, the sparkle of amusement undeniable in our eyes, but beneath it, our hearts call to each other, warm and content.

The amusement dies out, but is not replaced by lust, there’s only pure love there as our lips rejoin in a slow and sensual kiss, soft and tender, his hand caresses my cheek and mine goes around his waist. I hear the jingle of the key as I move and it only make me hug him tighter and smile into the kiss, he does to while he repositions himself on top of me, straddling my hips.

“I-I… I want it Hyuk” - he says, a shy stutter at the beginning before he grows more confident, despite the adorable blush - “No, I don’t want it” - he corrects himself, but before my brows get the chance to furrow properly, he continues - “I want YOU, all of you” - Silly boy. You already have me.