HYUKJAE POV •

I know, I've always known deep down that for some time now, my relationship with Sungmin hasn't been as it used to. We've grown distant over time and there is only myself to blame. I've neglected him, even though I never realized it, for some reason I can understand now how he must have felt, how I made him feel. I understand it is my fault that he lost interest in me, in us; that he stopped trying to make it work when he saw I wasn't doing that much of an effort myself. That doesn't mean I forgive him though, he still had no right to keep me by his side when he no longer wanted me there, needed me there. Maybe he never did need me like I did, never relayed on me like I did, because even as he dealt with his own troubles, he never burdened me with them, or maybe it was I who never lent my shoulder for him to cry on, maybe we weren't as equally compromised with the other as I thought; maybe I was abusing the comfort he gave me without comforting him, maybe he was taking all my love but giving none back. Maybe we weren't meant to be after all.

But even so, he fixed me; with caring words and sweet caresses that I mistakenly took for granted, whispers of love that at some point became just words, if they ever were more than that. But even with all the doubt and regret growing in my heart and the salty tears rolling shamelessly down my cheeks...I'm okay. I'm okay now, really, I'm stronger than I used to be, I can see life and love for what they truly are and the first cannot depend on the second, I'll move on and continue living, not acting like it never happened, because these two years together are a memory I'll forever treasure, but it won't stop me from getting back out there, meeting someone new and making even better memories with them, it might end like this again, in another heart break but I won't let it get to me, I won't let any amount of cheating partners, strained relationships and bittersweet lies break me like they once did. I refuse to let myself back in that pit, the empty shell of a human I once was, this is nothing but a life experience to learn from, albeit a sour one I would have done good without.

It is already too late to spare my pride when I notice Donghae staring at me. I try to dry my tears hastily, internally berating myself for showing such weakness, but he stops my hands that had reached for the hem of the shirt I'm wearing to use as tissue, grabbing them before they even get the cloth to my face, using his own hand instead, thumb wiping away the tears as his palm rests on my right cheek, then he lets go of my hand to give the same treatment to the streak of tears on my left.

I stared at his eyes, not knowing where else to focus my gaze on and just let him caress my face as he smiled at me with an unspoken 'it's alright' hanging in the comfortable silence as I unconsciously lean into his touch, closing my eyes to just enjoy this moment that I don't feel the need to name, relaxing as I relish in the familiarity of this mere acquaintance and his foreign touch.

The next thing I know is the feel of soft skin against my lips and my eyes open widely in shock to confirm that his eyes are closed as his lips are softly brushing mine. My hand wants to push him away, my entire body wants to recoil, but my eyes are closing again and against my best judgement, my lips are applying pressure on his thin ones, the hands on the sides of my face going to my neck as he starts to move them slowly... and then it's all over, a knock on the door startling us both, making us jump away from each other.

We look at the other like we just woke up from a trance, like we don't know where we are, what year is it and what we just did, why did he kiss me? Why did I kiss back?

His hand comes up to his face and he runs his fingers over his lips gently, looking utterly lost as he wonders what the hell was that? And I can understand because I felt it too, the spark, but I don't get much time to ponder over it as a second knock pulls me from my thoughts, so I stand up and walk to the door, opening it to come face to face with a very attractive girl that I don't recall ever meeting before, but then I remember this isn't my house so why should any guest be a friend of mine?

“Jess!”  comes Hae’s surprised voice from behind me. So she's here to see him, I guess I should make myself scarce, more for my sake than out of politeness, so I nod at her before walking past her, not uttering a single word of farewell to either of them nor looking back. Luckily I had my phone on one pocket and my wallet on the other so I could exit without having to go back in to gather anything and that was something I was immensely thankful for, because I didn't want to see his face right now, I didn't think I could, unsure if I was ok or not with the uncalled-for reaction that might ignite within me.

I'm too proud to run down the halls as if I were escaping something I'm scared of, but the fast beating of my heart has me speed-walking towards the elevator, getting out my phone as I wait for it to make it to my floor. I need to text someone, I don't care who, but I can't be alone right now, I don't want time to reflect and think, I don't want to think at all because I already know where my thoughts are gonna go, what possibilities I'll fantasize about that aren't really possible at all; because he's straight, and taken, and my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend’s roommate.

I don't know him well enough; sure we've interacted several times, given as I always spend most of my weekends at his place, I know what he likes, how he is, enough to be friends even though neither ever initiated any contact outside of our mutual involvement with Sungmin, none really put forth any effort for our relationship to escalate into a proper friendship even with all the interests we had in common and our personalities matching so well, and only now am I asking myself why that is.

The butterflies flying around in my belly shouldn't be there, because now that I think about it – which is exactly what I wanted to avoid but the lack of distractions during the car ride home isn't helping – maybe I'm not entirely against them, the butterflies in my stomach, the spark,  that kiss. It feels nice because I really like him, as a person he's cool, I enjoy his company and he's just my type, I could see myself falling and then hitting the bottom of this dark pitch called love, because he won't (can't) catch me half way: He's straight and taken, and…

Why did he kiss me?

My phone beeps as I get into my apartment, the wifi connection allowing for the texts to get in, ones that I probably got while in the car; as expected it’s the answer to the one I send before leaving their apartment building, a simple “sure, be right there” to my vague “Need some company now, hyung pls come over”. Only five minutes pass and he’s there, hugging me without question because I look like a mess, running his fingers through my hair as he whispers comforting words in my hear, words that hold no meaning because he doesn’t even know why I need comfort for, but he can probably guess and won’t ask, because I don’t want to talk about it but at the same time I want so badly to get it out of my chest, pour my heart out to him in an angry rant so I can let it all go and move on, start anew.

“It’ll be okay Jae-ah, everything will get better”