SEUNGMIN POV •

It wasn't often that I got the chance to sleep on this bed, I should feel foreign in this unfamiliar surrounding, but HyukJae's warm embrace has been a constant in my life for the past two years, it gives me such comfort that I couldn't help but fall asleep in his arms one last time but it might have not been the best idea. The familiar setting had me reminiscing about the past, our past, how it all had been so perfect at some point.

The heart to heart we had last night didn't help either, it reminded me of how things used to be between us. I just broke up with him because we had fallen out of love, things hadn't been the same, then why does he go back to being the attentive, understanding,  loving boyfriend I once had when he is no longer my boyfriend? Why do I have to start asking myself these questions when I already told him we should let go? Why is he holding me like he loves me when he doesn't anymore? Why did he let me blabber all night and listened carefully like he cared when he shouldn't?  Was that really all it took? All I had to do was tell him the things that bothered me and he just changed in a heartbeat? Back to the perfect boyfriend? Could I have just told him to fix his attitude and work on our problems together?

I know it's too late to have this kind of thoughts but I can't help but wonder if I hadn't been so rash and had just talked it out with him instead of hastily ending a precious two year long relationship,  then maybe it could have been salvaged, fixed. Good things should always be fixed instead of discarded, it can all be fixed with time and care, we’re both proof of that.

As the hold on my waist begins to loosen while he stirs, I'm hit by the full force of the knowledge that the arms around me no longer belong to my boyfriend. We're not together anymore, we could be, had I said something sooner. Had I tried to fix what was broken between us instead of disposing of it. Maybe I didn't hold it precious enough to fight for. Indeed you never know what you have until it's gone, worse even if you're the one who ungratefully threw it away.

“Morning” he croaks out sleepily, pulling me closer to bury his face in the curve of my neck before he catches himself and pulls away completely, sitting up as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes before dedicating me that gummy smile that I always  criticized so much. He stands up to go grab something to eat, I suppose, leaving me alone because he probably thinks it is the most normal thing in the world to let your ex nap in your bed. Turns out he hadn't planned for me to nap any longer given how late it already was; he came back with a tray holding both our breakfast. Breakfast. In bed.

Can you believe this guy? Why is he so charming all of a sudden?

“Wow, where was my breakfast in bed when we were dating?“ that wasn't supposed to come out, but now that it did, it was funny that I voiced it as if that was a long time ago, it was yesterday for God’s sake! It's too soon!

Or maybe not, it seems, I appear to be the only one affected by my seemingly insensitive comment, he's blushing wildly, not like he's hurt but like he's, humm, I don't know… shy?

“Don’t be mad” he says, confusing me “But I’ve thought a lot of how things changed between us, the problems we were having with communication and trust” he explains, still looking down at his hand as if he was saying something he shouldn’t “I want to change that, I don’t want to seem unapproachable, like you can’t ask me anything because I’ll get angry or that you can’t tell me anything because I don't care to hear it, I want to be a better partner so that my future relationships won’t crumble like all my past ones have” he then lets out an awkward chuckle as he scratches at the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact “You could say I’m… practicing on you?” he finishes in the form of a question, for my sake, I think, those are his intentions after all, if someone is sure, then that’s him, but he doesn’t want to say it to my face; he doesn’t want to say I’m using you to become a better boyfriend for my next partner but that’s not what’s bothering me, it’s a good thing that he’s the kind of person who always learns from past experiences, constantly improving himself, I loved that about him. I’m already thinking of finding someone new those are the words he didn’t want to say, those are the only words that went into my ears even if they never went out of his mouth.

“That’s good” I say with a fake laugh, how insincere of me, but I have to act like I’m happy, I should be happy, Why aren’t I happy? I broke it off, I’m the one who doesn’t love him that way anymore and I should be glad he isn’t hurting and ready to move on. I can’t though, it hurts.

It hurts as I taste the delicious breakfast he took the time to make me and bring to bed. It hurts when I take a shower using his body wash and shampoo because this will be the first and the last. It hurts when I dress in the same clothes I had before, unable to borrow his because my frame is wider so they wouldn’t fit. It hurts when he offers to take me home and I refuse. It hurts because he’ll be doing all of that and more with someone else who knows when. It hurts because I’m the one walking out of his life, because I’m the one who ruined it, us; yet now I’m the one who regrets it.

But then, then there’s Kyuhyun. I can't say I regret Kyuhyun.