This wasn't planned, I swear! IDK

For more than two weeks straight, Sung Gyu’s been suffering in consistent mental breakdowns. The cold season was just around the corner which also implied Christmas nearing, and with that would come the heaps of gifts he needed to buy and the parties he had to attend; and then there was Sung Jae’s year end examination coming around, for which he needed to prepare him. The workload at the station was piling up in a matter of seconds and then there were his parents, grumbling again that he needed to get married before he could get any older. Sung Gyu wasn’t sure whether it was humanly possible for one person to handle all that pressure all at once; it was like he was being constantly ripped into pieces. He hated waking up to a new day, and he had never loved the comfort of his bed as much as he did at that point. Sung Gyu wanted out, a release, and then it was just around that time that the most ridiculous thing of all the ridiculousness in the whole world combined had to happen to him. He earned himself a secret admirer.

Yes, that’s right. Kim Sung Gyu had gotten himself a secret admirer.

It all started on one fine Friday morning when he woke up to the bright sunrays hitting point blank on his face through the slight parting of the curtains while Sung Jae slept soundly on his right, still snuggling into his father’s warmth. It was another one of those days when the night got too cold and Sung Gyu would get worried to let his son sleep alone in his room, and would carry him to his bed and would end up sleeping longer than he intended to. Sung Gyu’s been getting much fatigued recently, and he had often wished he had someone to share all his pressure with, and maybe even cuddle with him and wake up together every morning, so when Sung Jae would sleep in his room with him and would end up doing something close to what he desired, Sung Gyu just didn’t feel like he could let the moment to end. He’d lie back and cuddle Sung Jae’s petite built in his arms and stay there for much longer, eventually ending up dropping Sung Jae off to school much late. That particular morning, however, he couldn’t cuddle Sung Jae and go back to sleep; because on his right on the night stand was his mobile phone, ringing consistently which was quite so odd so early in the morn. At first he thought it was something important; usually when he’d get a call so early in the morning (Which wasn’t very often), it would either be his mother calling up to inform him that she had set a blind date or from the station, asking him to record to the station a little early. He d his hands over the night stand, cursing under his breath, convinced that it was either of the two; but when he took the phone in hand, it wasn’t either of them. It was an unknown number, and there weren’t any calls; there were messages, about twenty of them, sent one after the other in a constant pattern from this same number. Sung Gyu was confused. What reason did he have to receive so many messages from a number he couldn’t recognize so early in the morning?

He climbed down the bed, not forgetting to cover Sung Jae with his comforter since it was still too early from him and blindly reached for his house slippers. He didn’t really fancy going through the phone even before his eyes could adjust to the light so he trotted into the washroom, brushed his teeth and washed his face, afterwards he returned to the bed and proceeded to read the messages. There were twelve in count.

From unknown number, received 06.05
Hello

From unknown number, received 06.06
Hello!

From unknown number, received 06.07
Good morning!

From unknown number, received 06.09
a very good morning!

From unknown number, received 06.12
have a good day ahead!

From unknown number, received 06.13
Hi!

From unknown number, received 06.14
Hi!

From unknown number, received 06.15
Hi!

From unknown number, received 06.16
Hi!

From unknown number, received 06.18
I hope you’re doing well.

From unknown number, received 06.20
I hope you’re happy.

From unknown number, received 06.20
I like you.

For a moment Sung Gyu was considering throwing the phone with trashy messages right out the window and get ahead with his day, but curiosity got the best of him. Kim Sung Gyu wasn’t the kind to give his number to just anyone, and since he had changed his number recently, there weren’t many who knew it. He wondered if this was Woohyun playing some kind of sick joke on him, over even Dong Woo who could be lured into doing all sort of maniacal things by his fellow colleagues; he glanced down at the last sent message once more and heaved a sigh. It was odd though, he felt a sudden relief awash him like a spring rain on a warm, rash summer. Someone had hoped for his happiness, all through the pressure he was putting up with by himself, someone was hoping for his wellbeing. He pursed his lips, in his mind a debate if he should do it or not, took a one quick glance at the still sleeping child and dialed the unknown number.

The phone went on ringing for a moment while Sung Gyu patiently waited, sitting on his bed with his legs crossed, and just as he was about to convinced that the whole message thing was one big, fat joke; someone picked up from the other end. Sung Gyu was surprised, since he really wasn’t expecting it. Someone who had played a sick joke wouldn’t pick up the phone, would they? Sung Gyu wasn’t certain himself. There weren’t any words coming from the other end, but Sung Gyu could hear someone’s falling breath, he lowered the phone and glanced at the screen, then he aligned it back against his ear before he voiced out rather anxiously: “Um, hello?”

The receiver, however, was not responding. Sung Gyu was certain that this particular person could hear him since Sung Gyu could hear that person clearly well; he was just refusing to respond, probably afraid that he would give things away.

“Hello? Hello…is anyone there?” Sung Gyu tried again, this time much loudly, trying to adapt the tone of the police officer that he were. “Hello? Um, this is Kim Sung Gyu. I think you have gotten the wrong number, please check your-,”

The line was suddenly cut off, just like that. Sung Gyu straightened up, surprised by the sudden happening. He glanced at the screen, utterly confused, and was just about to dial the same number again when he received a text message from them.

From unknown number, received 06:32
please don’t phone me, not yet. I know that it’s you.

Sung Gyu tilted his head to a side and reread the message a few times. He couldn’t understand it. There was a strange person sending him strange and seemingly desperate messages incessantly, claiming he knew him, claiming to not to ring him again, claiming his hopes for Sung Gyu’s wellbeing and happiness, and then, claiming their likeness towards Kim Sung Gyu. He pressed his back against the bed’s head rest and wondered of all the possibilities. He was sure to keep away from putting up his personal number on any advertisements when he hired baby sitters a month ago, he had only put up his email address. Not many people knew his number either, and for most work related matters, he had only used his office phone since he hated all phone-related inconveniences. There was no possible way that any stranger could have gotten hold of his number unless it was someone he personally knew or was an acquaintance of someone he personally knew. It was getting ridiculous, so he thought he’d investigate it on his own for a while and locate the culprit himself. Sick joke or a real deal, Kim Sung Gyu definitely wasn’t finding it nice. He proceeded to type a reply himself.

To unknown number, sent 06:34
who are you?

The reply came in almost instantly, as though it was programmed to do so.

From unknown number, received 06:34
someone you wouldn’t remember.

Someone I wouldn’t remember? Sung Gyu mused, and tried to rake his mind, looking for a memory where he could have potentially given his number to a stranger. Except for Jung Eunji whom he meant more than a month ago, he just couldn’t seem to come up with any. So he just typed another reply.

To unknown number, sent 06:36
why are you messaging me?

Just as before, the reply was abrupt.

From unknown number, received 06:36
because I like you.
 

*

Since Sung Gyu found it to be too much of a hassle to open the door for her every morning, Jung Eunji was granted the permission to enter the house whenever she pleased. She had the pass code to the house anyway, and Sung Gyu didn’t think she had any other business to do with him and Sung Jae other than her work; more than that, he trusted her, and knew that his house was, despite the odds, was in good hands. So every morning while the two busied themselves with getting ready to head off to their respective places, Eunji would simply walk herself into the house and begin running her daily errands. It wasn’t a bother, really, since the father and the son didn’t really ask for much for breakfast and she enjoyed giving home-cooked meals to Sung Jae since he enjoyed devouring them just the same. After having worked for the Kims for over a month, Eunji had pretty much gotten accustomed to them. She liked them, and had never so much enjoyed her job as a baby sitter.

So on that particular morning Eunji walked herself into the Kim household, clad in about five layers of cloth since the cold weather in the morn was quite difficult to bear and approached the kitchen while humming a tune to herself. She was in a good mood that morning, and since it was her pay day, she was considering making her boss something special as she carefully assessed the content in the refrigerator. Her mood immediately fell down the gutter, however, seeing that there wasn’t many things she could put together a decent meal with. It was way past seven in the morning by then, she didn’t have enough time to run to grab groceries either. Sighing heavily to herself, Eunji grabbed the necessary ingredients for pancake and got down to work.

She was flipping and stacking warm, soft pancakes simultaneously, and was so engrossed in it that she didn’t even notice that Sung Jae had slipped into the threshold of the kitchen like a slithering serpent. He was sitting cross-legged on his chair, chin resting on his hand and eyes bearing into nothingness, feeling quite out of place since he happened to wake up a little too early than he usually did. His appa was in the shower at that time, and what woke him up was the vibration of his appa’s phone which was resting on the bed beside him. His appa never really left his phone on his bed like that, so Sung Jae assumed that his appa was probably in a hurry to go to work so he got a warm bath by himself, dressed up and walked down to the kitchen by himself.

“Baby sitter” He called after waiting in silence for a moment, surprising Eunji out of her wits that she almost dropped the burning hot pan on her feet in the process of flipping.

“Omo! You scared me!” She echoed and hastily laid down the pan on the stove. “Morning kid. Where’s your appa?”

“He is in the shower” Sung Jae said and frowned deeply at the stack of pancakes set on two plates. “Pancakes? Today too?”

Eunji knew that Sung Jae preferred traditional breakfast dishes more than anything else since he didn’t come across them much; therefore she never really worded out her frustrations when he’d complain even if she did find it quite an inconvenience.

“It’s a different kind” Eunji said, pouring in a scoop of batter to the pan. “It’s Nutella pancake, since its Friday”

“Nutella pancake?” Sung Jae echoed and slowly stepped towards the baby sitter near the stove. He had seen Ahjummas making all sorts of things with the chocolate-hazel-nut spread myriad times, varying from cakes to puddings to milkshakes, but never did he imagine that he’d get an opportunity to taste them. He was in glee. He was so happy that he wanted to hug the baby sitter for making him those.

Eunji, who noticed it that the boy had suddenly gone silent, turned to her right to find the little boy staring at the stack of Nutella-stuffed pancakes on the plates with glimmering eyes. His lips were slightly parted, a slow smile playing on them; and Eunji knew Sung Jae enough to know that this was indeed how Sung Jae looked like when she he was completely contented. That was enough to make her happy as well. She laughed lightly, her heart suddenly yet strangely swelling in pleasure and tousled the little one’s soft hair. “You’re gonna like them kid”

“I do, baby sitter!” Sung Jae said, contentment evident in his tone. “Thank you!”

Eunji couldn’t help but laugh louder, and pull softly at his fluffy pink cheeks. “Aigoo, uri Sung Jae-ah! So cute!” She mused still laughing and pushed him gently towards the table. “Go on, sit and wait until I bring them, oh?”

“Okay!” He cheered and ran to retake his seat. A moment later, Sung Gyu hurried into the kitchen with his jacket draped in his hand, unlike the other days, he wasn’t yelling about or nagging to Sung Jae for spilling bath jell on the floor or the like. He looked surprisingly pre-occupied, and what was even more surprising was that he was holding his mobile phone in his hand. After having worked him for a month, Eunji knew it for a fact that his boss despised all sorts of inconveniences caused by mobile phones. He had constantly complained that he wished he could go around without having to deal with a phone, and would always put it to charge in the night. Coming from someone as himself, Sung Gyu being occupied by the phone was certainly a first.

“Appa! Baby sitter is making Nutella pancakes!” Sung Jae yelled the moment Sung Gyu sat himself on his usual chair. “They look like the ones Ahjummas on the internet made!”

Sung Gyu only briefly looked up to meet eyes with an expectant Eunji who was holding a huge platter of pancakes in his hands and gave a quick nod in acknowledgement. “Hmm” And then he returned to his phone. Eunji just shrugged it off, not a least bit bothered by her boss’s erratic behavior and placed the platter on the table in front of him. Sung Jae was getting excited then, hopping up and down on his chair, and Sung Gyu who would usually take notice of the small but undeniably adorable things his son would do didn’t seem to take notice of it at all. Instead he was just sitting on his place, frowning deeply into the phone. Eunji just sighed, trying not to be taken by his behavior and placed three still warm pancakes on Sung Jae’s plate. She then topped it with a swirl of fluffy whipped cream and stood back, satisfied by the successful outcome of her hard work.

“Waah” Sung Jae went and took a long sniff of his food. “It’s nice!” He then turned to his father and called for him rather loudly that Eunji could practically hear the glasses tremble. “Appa!!!”

It was then that the father finally looked up, seemingly distracted. “Hm? Yes baby?”

Sung Jae proudly gestured at the platter of food in front of him, looking as though he was the one who made them and grinned widely. “Nutella pancake! Baby sitter made them since its Friday”

“Oh…she did?” He muttered and looked up at Eunji with a smile. “We’ll eat well, Miss Jung”

“We’ll eat well!” Sung Jae mused, and though both of them did say that, only Sung Jae enjoyed most of it while Sung Gyu, well Sung Gyu only absently stuffed his face with bits of the food, Nutella getting all over his face and didn’t even to take notice of it all. Hadn’t it been a pleasant sight for the intimately attracted Jung Eunji, she’d have been thoroughly worried by the strange behavior and him being distracted by his phone. This wasn’t how he normally behaved, Eunji could tell that much, and she also knew that this certainly had to be something to do with his phone.

*

The stranger, to Sung Gyu was slowly becoming an endearing company along the days which passed. Though he only intended to carry on the conversation with her only to investigate the person’s background to figure out who she was and why she constantly claimed that she liked him, what started out as a decent, stranger-to-stranger conversation escalated into something more…personal, and in a matter of weeks, Sung Gyu and the strange person were really close friends. With all the pressure building up, what with child rearing and investigations; Sung Gyu wasn’t certain himself that he could put up with everything on his own. The pressure was too much to bear, and he had often felt like he was gradually falling sick and fatigued. Sung Gyu needed help, some kind of mental relief; and speaking to the rather fascinating stranger certainly was helping him to keep his mind off things. It had been long since Sung Gyu was last with someone. Sure, he had had one-night stands and spontaneous dates his mother had set him up with, but none had lasted a week or so, and many didn’t fancy the idea that he was a single father despite his good looks and the age. It was quite understandable, given that nobody would really like to take up the responsibility of a single-parent child; so basically Sung Gyu had given up on trying, and his previous real relationship which resulted him Sung Jae had left him with a deep scar. He didn’t want to be emotionally attached to anyone any yet. It was like he still wasn’t ready. But then there was the secret admirer…

Sung Gyu, at that point, was certain it was a woman. She had called him on the phone once or twice, and though she hadn’t never spoken so much as a single word and though all she had done was just breathing slowly and warmly, even that was pacifying for him. Sung Gyu couldn’t remember the last time he went to bed with the sound of a woman’s breathing on his side; and at that point of his life, it was exactly what he needed. At some point or the other, Sung Gyu found himself begging the secret admirer to stay on the line, just breathing so he could peacefully fall asleep, awash by the idea that someone was by his side.

And such were the days for Kim Sung Gyu.

Jung Eunji, on the other hand was fairly irritated that Sung Gyu seemed constantly distracted and didn’t pay much attention to his child. He had announced to her one day that Sung Jae was getting his year-end test soon and that she should help him to prepare for it; Eunji had her ways of doing this, as per how she was trained at the teacher’s training school. Every night she’d help Sung Jae to cram up with all his subjects, and she would record his improvement in a chart which she would present to the student’s parent at the end of the day and discuss which points they need to pay more attention on. Eunji had been doing this rather diligently since, though she hated to admit it, she cared for Sung Jae dearly and always thought of him as her responsibility. But every night after Sung Gyu had returned home from work and when Eunji would present her records on Sung Jae at the dinner table, Sung Gyu would only absently flip through it, humming in response to what Eunji would be telling him and without so much as adding any thoughts of himself, he would only claim to be tired and dismiss Eunji from her work.

This went on, on the very same pattern for weeks; every, single, day; and Eunji hated it.

She’d been wondering if she should really confront her boss about it. The Sung Gyu that Eunji had come to know was rather attentive and responsible. He always liked to keep things professional and neat and his only priority and concern had always been his little boy. Sung Gyu wasn’t the type to be distracted by something as trivial as his phone; this just wasn’t like him. Yet, although Eunji really wished she could confront him about it, she just didn’t find the courage to. His personal affairs were his personal affairs after all, and shouldn’t have anything that would garner his baby sitter’s attention. Besides, Eunji was convinced that getting into his business would be too much of a hassle to deal with. So she just continued to keep her place and just observe his behavior from a far.

On one particular Saturday, however, Eunji happened to receive a phone call from a very despondent Kim Sung Jae.

“Appa still isn’t up!” He complained to her on the phone. He had learned to get Eunji on Sung gyu’s speed dial, which was a trouble in one hand (Because Sung Jae would call her up for every damned thing) and a relief on the other at times like this. “He’s still sleeping, I think he’s dead”

Eunji rolled her eyes, balancing her phone between her ear and her shoulder while she busied herself hanging her laundry. “No Sung Jae…is he sick?”

“I don’t know…I tried to wake him up, but he told me to go away…” Silence. “…and I’m hungry…”

Eunji sighed loudly and dropped a damp flower-printed camisole into the basket before looking at the clock on the wall. It was almost eleven in the morning, and it was cold that day, Eunji couldn’t blame the child for being hungry, and she could feel her heart swell in compassion, imagining him pouting sadly on the other end. She couldn’t possibly leave him hungry. Sung Jae was her responsibility. And also she was angry that Sung Gyu was overlooking the child once again.

“Okay, Sung Jae-ah…I’m coming to your place…wait a little bit, oh?”

“Hmm, okay” Sung Jae muttered, almost in tears. “Hurry up, baby sitter”

Eunji hastily put on whatever the articles of warm clothes she could find, loaded into her car and quickly drove off all the way from Ansan to Sung Gyu’s place. She was deeply angered at that point, though she wasn’t exactly sure what reason Sung Gyu had, to so blatantly overlook the responsibilities of his child; whatever the case was, Eunji was going to talk to him about it; She came to a resolve as she drove along the serpentine routes of the Seoul city. It was now, or never.

Stepping into the Kim’s household, what Eunji happened to find was a lonely Kim Sung Jae sitting alone in the living room, switching through the channels with a rather sullen face. Eunji had come to the Kims a few times during the weekend and during all of these times she had always found Sung Gyu either sprawled across the sofa, watching the TV or  in the kitchen trying to put together something Sung Jae had wanted with great difficulty. All in all, Kim Sung Gyu was a responsible father and what she was witnessing was nothing like the Kim Sung Gyu she knew. Eunji bit her lip, assessing the silent ambiance of the house and approached the child in two strides. “Kid, is your appa up?”

Sung Jae nodded rather sullenly and switch off the TV. “He’s in the bathroom…”

“Did you eat yet?”

Sung Jae shook his head.

Getting into action as quickly as she could, Eunji gathered all the things she needed to put together a decent breakfast; she decided on making waffles since it was the easiest and the fastest thing she could make, and while she was at it, Sung Jae silently sat in his chair, staring blankly into space.

“Why, kid?” Eunji, who noticed this asked.

“No…nothing” Sung Jae replied in a slow voice. He didn’t seem like himself though, because Sung Jae was normally loud and happy. He was definitely pre-occupied, just like his father was.

“Can’t be nothing” Eunji said, pouring the batter of waffles into the toaster. “You seem upset”

“Baby sitter?” Sung Jae went after a moment of chilly silence. “Do you think appa hates me?”

“Hm?” Eunji turned to the child, leaning against the counter while the batter baked. “Why would you think like that?”

“No just…” Sung Jae muttered, anxiously fidgeting with his fingers. “Appa don’t talk to me much…he doesn’t tell me stories at night. He says he was tired and go to sleep…”

“He does?” Eunji echoed, in disbelief herself. She had thought it was only her that Sung Gyu didn’t acknowledge. She could guess that Sung Jae too was being affected too, but never did she think that it was that bad.

“Hm…”

Eunji sighed heavily and took one look at the toaster before she made her way towards the table. Then she pulled out a chair and sat next to the kid. She watched him for a moment, reclining into the silent ambiance and trying to gather what she need to say to her. Afterwards she reached over and took his small hand in hers.

“Sung Jae-ah. Maybe appa is tired. Appa is alone, he does so many work too…or maybe he is sick. Has he been sick lately?”

Sung Jae looked up to meet Eunji’s eyes and shook his head. “I don’t know…”

“Hmm” Eunji assessed it in her head and came to a resolve. “You know what kid? I will talk to your appa…”

“Right now?” Sung Jae asked innocently.

“Well, after he comes from the bathroom”

“Okay” Sung Jae nodded and Eunji nodded back. “Okay…now let me get you breakfast”

After Eunji had served Sung Jae with his waffles with a swirl of syrup and had also set up a plate for Sung Gyu himself, she patted on the kid’s soft hair and made it towards Sung Gyu’s room. The door was ajar when she reached it, and she could hear the shower running from the inside. Sung Gyu didn’t usually shower on weekends until late, and Eunji knew this for a fact. Him showering on a cold Saturday before breakfast definitely was something which caught her attention. Since he was still in the shower, and also since Eunji didn’t much have the courage to talk to Sung Gyu about his personal things, Eunji decided to find the truth herself and stepped into Sung Gyu’s room, making sure to not to make a sound.

She happened to find his phone left on the nightstand, already blinking with the implication of a new message. Sung Gyu didn’t keep his phone locked, since it was too much of trouble for him, and on his lock-screen was a photo of Sung Jae, smiling brightly with his eyes disappearing into crescent moons. She unlocked it hastily, realizing that she hadn’t much time and quickly opened his messages.

There were many just about a thousand of them, all from one number which was names as the ‘secret admirer’. Eunji almost squealed in surprise. Sung Gyu, the boring old Kim Sung Gyu had a secret admirer? And was apparently flirting with them? Maybe they did other kind of things on the phone too, Eunji thought rather excitedly as the image of Sung Gyu with his spectacles on appeared in her mind. She quickly shook off this thought though, since it was rather irrelevant to what she was there to do, and also so wrong with the said man just a wall away from her (And possibly in ) so she soon proceeded to read through the messages.

And yes, just as she assumed, the messages quite implied that they were friends, rather close friends with the relationship slowly but surely escalating into something more intimate and closer.

So this is what Kim Sung Gyu had been distracted with for so long that he was ignoring his own child?

“Pfft!” Eunji went rather loudly while scrolling down the messages with such nonchalance. “How lame, whatever happened to priorities?”

And then, as she read through the messages, something hit her, something hit her hard and with opening wide and heart stopping just at the moment, she dropped the phone onto his bed.

No…she mused, her heart beat raising its pace. That can’t be….

Feeling adrenaline warmly pouring through her veins, Eunji picked up the phone in trembling hands. She was quivering, her heart was beating fast; by surprise, anger or excitement, she wasn’t sure herself, yet just to make it certain, she double checked, she did all that she could do, and she was right.

“Holy ,” She mused, staring at the white wall before her. “Holy ing ”

She didn’t know how it happened, she didn’t know why things were suddenly this way, all she knew, however was that things were going to end poorly for them, very, very poorly.

Eunji had already left all the messages and applications and had already put the phone back on the nightstand and was all about to leave when the door to Sung Gyu’s bathroom opened and Sung Gyu emerged from the doorway, fully dressed and a towel draped over his neck. His wet hair was a mess and was sticking on all the right angles; and he looked excruciatingly paler, like he had just stepped in from the northern pole. Eunji was just standing there, staring up at the strangely beautiful work of art, feeling her insides melt and the previous incident with the phone had almost dissolved in the air when he spoke with such surprise.

“Miss Jung? What are you doing here?”

“Oh! Uh…” She looked around absentmindedly, trying to think up an excuse. “I…Sung Jae phoned me”

“Oh” Sung Gyu said, nodding to himself. “He must have been upset…I kind of overslept”

No, you’ve been flirting! Phone-dating! Whatever, you’ve been doing that! Eunji wanted to yell; in fact, this was her moment to confront him, but with what just happened, Eunji couldn’t bring herself to. She couldn’t really get her mind her around what just happened even, to believe what was true and what was not. So she decided to leave it to him to deal with on his own. She knew, if she’d get involved it wouldn’t end up very nice (still it wouldn’t end up well anyway) and what with the circumstances, all she needed to do was forget about all the things she had seen and move on with it. Sung Jae won’t be very lonely anyway, since he had her and he’d look after her. And somehow, Eunji was happy that the whole ordeal would solve itself on its own.

“Ah…right” Eunji nodded and gestured at the general direction of the kitchen. “I made breakfast!”

“Oh, right” Sung Gyu nodded, now drying his hair with the towel on his neck. “I’d be there soon…”

“Okay” Eunji nodded and croaked out in a whisper before she quickly proceeded to leave the premises. Just as she was at the door of his room, Sung Gyu called her name.

“Yes boss?” Eunji muttered, looking over her shoulder. Sung Gyu met her eyes, his features now drooping with fatigue, yet he smiled nevertheless, sending her heart to a netherworld.

“Thank you for coming…”

*

Ah, came out too long, gonna split it into two (Again! What is wrong with me!)
Apologies!
Happy reading!

Ps; The secret admirer is...?