The much necessary throwback chapter.
Note; Korean aging system is dissimilar to others. Three year olds are actually two year olds. Twenty six year olds are twenty five years olds. And certain twenty nine years olds are still twelve year olds. (If you know what I mean)

Enjoy!

It was the month of March, the beginning of a season; the time of the storms and ceaseless downpours. Sitting by the window of his childhood bedroom was Kim Sung Gyu, in his arms, cradled comfortably against his chest was his tiny two-year-old baby, sound asleep, finding warmth and comfort in the arms of the one person who loved him beyond worlds and universe combined. Two days. That’s how many days he had before he turned three. Sung Gyu didn’t know how time has passed so soon since the day the little boy came into his arms and became his forever. He didn’t know how this day, two years ago had been like for both the child and his mother. He didn’t know what he felt right at that very moment as he sat alone in his old bedroom, the very room he and the baby’s mother lied, arm in arm, building a future together in their dreams. Was it melancholy? Misery? Resentment? Or only the pure unadulterated love Sung Gyu had grown towards the child who had now become his present, future and the whole world? The quietness was deafening for him; after the long hours he had spent trying to put the crying baby to sleep. Little Sung Jae didn’t cry as much as he did before. Perhaps he had grown to understand that life was very different for him than it was for many other babies of his age, or perhaps he didn’t want to give his father a hard time, his still young father who had taken up that place, only for him and given up an entire life ahead of him, all for his sake. Sung Gyu never blamed little Sung jae. In fact, he never blamed anyone. After all the months and years, he had spent contemplating everything, Sung Gyu had finally come to believe that what happened to his life was nobody’s fault; that it was solely how god had determined his life for him. It was his fate, to be a single parent to a little boy, to take up the fatherhood in such a young age, and to be abandoned by the only one woman he loved. Fate determined everything.

Even after he took up the place of a father for little Sung jae, he never gave up on finding his mother. Still, in his mind was the determination to find her, tell her everything that he felt, hold her in his arms like he always did and make sure that she would never run away from him again. He still loved her, over the hatred, resentment and loathing he constantly felt for her, he still and forever loved her. There was no denying in that. He still dreamed of her return even in his wildest dreams. A beautiful reunion, both of them holding each other and the baby held between them, the three of them finally becoming family, and all the misery will be dispersed. But only, that day never seemed to come. He had waited for two years, sitting by the bedroom window, season after season, through every snowstorm, cloudburst and balmy summer days, he had waited for her to return. He wasn’t sure what hurt him the most. Hearing the baby crying for the warmth and love of his mother, or the sound of his breaking heart which nobody could hear but him, every passing second when it was made clear to him that she would never return, that he was indeed left alone. It wasn’t like he was completely abandoned, left to deal with everything on his own. Sung gyu still hadn’t moved out of his parents’ house. Although he had planned to, much much earlier, since the day of his graduation when the baby was found, huddled in a blue flannel, crying in misery, he couldn’t make up his mind to leave him there and move on with life. Sung Jae, after all, was his baby. If the DNA didn’t prove it already, the resemblance of the child to him explained it well. The tiny long eyes were of his, the fluffy cheeks he had gotten from him, even the ears which turned red in odd occasions and the shape of his soft pink lips of his. All except for his nose, everything else about him resembled his father. Sung Gyu’s mother always said that even his screaming in the middle of the night and the pace he was growing was similar to his own childhood. He was basically holding a miniature him in his arms. With all of that, he couldn’t make up his mind to leave the baby with his parents, or with anybody else. Little Sung Jae was his and only his, no matter his mother returned to him or not. And it was something he always took to his heart.

Naturally Sung gyu placed a finger on his lips to quieten the intruder the moment he heard the door to his bedroom open. His mother was standing in the doorway, looking down at him lovingly like she always did. She had told him numerous times how amazed she was at his change when he took up the fatherhood. The Sung gyu who was loud, incontrollable and rebellious had suddenly become calm, quiet and serene, as expected from a real father. She had told him that it only made her love for him stronger. She never accused him of doing something against the norms. After all, there is no point of accusing him of anything. They both knew that very well. The only thing that was left for them to do was take care of the baby, bring him up well, be his family and make him happy at all times. Sung Gyu constantly wished happiness for his baby. He constantly wished him well. He had promised him to give him the best of everything, and be both the mother and the father to him, at least until she returned.

Sung Gyu’s mother came towards him and gestured that she’d take over in his stead. Sung gyu didn’t want to trouble her, and it was still his role to look after him. But when he was about to protest, his mother leaned towards him and whispered into his ear; “Woohyun’s come to see you”.

The baby squirmed, still in his deep sleep as Sung gyu passed him over to his mother. This was an urgent call that he had to attend. Woohyun was his best friend, his only companion outside family that he had basically become family himself. Woohyun didn’t come visit him too often since he believed it was troubling Sung gyu in his already troublesome life. But for Sung gyu, having him around was a blessing. It was as if Woohyun was the only one evidence remaining from his old life. The only indication that he had once, indeed lived.

When he went downstairs, Woohyun was already engaged in a long conversation with his father. Sung gyu and Woohyun did almost everything together, ever since the two met each other in high-school. They graduated together, went to college together, got girlfriends together, graduated together, and ow they worked in the same investigation agency together. Although the two of them were never partnered for the same case, they still worked in the same place so they shared most of their parts as investigators. Due to the difficulties in life, there were so many things Sung Gyu couldn’t fulfil as an investigator in the firm, and also as a friend to his small circle of friends. To all of that, Woohyun always covered up for him. Woohyun understood him, through and through. He was an angel in disguise, taking up every single responsibility Sung gyu couldn’t fulfil as his own, and diligently doing his part as though he was obligated to do so. Therefore, Sung Gyu never failed to do his own part, being the best friend of his as he should be. Every time he’d visit, Sung Gyu would spend as much as time as he could afford, listened to every little gossip and complain that he had to share, and even sometimes, he’d diligently fulfil his requests, however much ridiculous they might be.

Minutes later, Sung Gyu found himself seated in the kitchen table while Woohyun stood beside him with a look of determination in his face. And if anything, he had just asked him the most ridiculous favor ever. He could have fulfilled for him anything, anything, but the one he had asked him now was beyond his expectations, and thus beyond his capabilities, under the current circumstances.

“A birthday party? For Sung Jae?” Sung Gyu exclaimed in a tone of pure incredulousness. “Woohyun, he’s still three, he’s just a baby. He barely understands anything; why does he need a birthday party?”

Woohyun pushed himself away from where he was leaning against the table, turned around and perched his arms on it, so that he was closer to his best friend, as if the close proximity would ever do any better in convincing him. “Because he didn’t have one on his first birthday. He might have been tiny, true, but he’s your first kid, Hyung, he deserves one”

Sung Gyu pressed both his palms on his face and let out a sigh. The truth was, he didn’t have anything remarkable to fight his claim. The only reason why he couldn’t hold a party for little Sung jae was that he didn’t want to announce to the whole world that Sung Jae was a motherless child. He had a future to grow up in to, and in this future, there will be people he would meet. And quite possibly, if he held a party for Sung Jae at the age of three, he would meet these people he was to meet in his future, and these people would know that he had grown up with only the care of a father. They would pity him. They would try to sympathize him. Sung gyu was a man with pride. He took pride in raising his child on his own no matter how difficult it might be for him. And he didn’t need anyone’s pity for that.

Then there was also the other reason that he didn’t want to talk about. At least not with Woohyun. As much as he would try to deny it, he knew he would do it, no matter what the situation was. He would expect her to walk right through the crowd and into his arms. He would anticipate, and he would always, always wait. The wait was killing him already as it happened, and in a situation as such, the anticipation would be much stronger. He would be hopeful, and then when the world would fall apart once more, he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore.

“Look, Hyung” Woohyun had pulled out a chair and was now seated right before him. “Do you even know what you are doing? You’re treating this whole thing like a…a curse. You’re hiding him away, you’re waiting by the window every single day, just waiting for her to return because you’re scared to take this on your own. You think you’re taking it on your own, but you’re wrong. Raising a child isn’t simple. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you. But Hyung, it’s not a suffering. It’s a blessing. And you don’t have to make it hell for you. Just live, Hyung. Enjoy…and he’s your own little baby”

“Easier said than done” Sung Gyu mumbled under his breath, and let out a sigh. “Besides, I don’t even have the money. There aren’t many people to come over. It’s stupid, Woohyun”

“Money shouldn’t be a problem” Woohyun carried on. “And you have us. We all love you and little Sung Jae immensely. It’s not stupid at all…”

“I don’t know” Sung gyu said in response. “Neither Sung Jae nor I want this. He’d have cakes and presents and kisses from his family when he turns three. He’s only three. Do you think he’d want anything else when he turns three?”

Woohyun didn’t say anything for a moment. He just stared up at his best friend, a look of concern and compassion in his eyes. Woohyun was a man of dreams. He had so many hopes than you could imagine, on so many things. Growing old with his best friend, Sung Gyu knew for a fact, was one of them. But when Sung gyu took a long skip in growing old, or just generally in life, he didn’t expect Woohyun to take it lightly. He expected Woohyun to do something elaborate. But what he really did was accepting Sung Gyu with a warm embrace and a promise to keep his side. He had done it, kept his promise for two years now. He had never missed out, not once. Nonetheless, in a way, Sung Gyu felt as if Woohyun doing things like this was him doing that elaborate thing he had expected him to do the first place. He was trying to compensate for the time that Sung Gyu had lost, with him. Sung Gyu never knew why he even felt that way. He had nothing to give, nothing to complain. He always had Woohyun by his side, despite everything. But these thoughts he always had, there was no stopping to them.

Sung Gyu finally looked up, meeting his friend’s eyes in a long look of urgency. He wanted Woohyun to tell him what exactly was in his mind. But before even he could ask anything, his mother walked into the room. Sung Jae had woken up, he was crying, looking for his daddy. Sung Gyu climbed up onto his feet instantly, and his heart was stricken by the sight of him, his tiny stubby hands clenching and unclenching as he gestured towards him. He cooed at the baby, asked him what he wanted, and-,

“Appa’s here, baby, Appa’s got you-,”

“P-Pappa” came out in a soft, childish squeak. Sung Gyu was frozen for a moment, unable to grasp what really happened just now. He was unsure, so he looked at his mother who seemed surprised herself, a glassy shine in her eyes, and then at his best friend, who held nothing but a loving gaze of pure, unadulterated happiness, just for him.

“W-what did you say, Sung Jae?” Sung Gyu whispered as his mother still held the baby in her arms. Sung Jae was growing up too slow. It took beyond a year to properly stand on his feet, and then much longer to learn to take a few steps. Yet, he still wasn’t walking properly. He hadn’t been able to make his first walk towards his father. So hadn’t he been able to catch a proper, real word coming from him except for his long and elaborate baby talks and long conversations. Sung Gyu had been waiting for days for him to say a real word. Something which sounded real. Something which held great meaning, just something…until that day.

“Pappa, Pappa” Sung Jae went on, his small voice a loud echo in the quietness of the room. Sung Gyu’s father rushed into the kitchen, hearing the voice coming through the silence, and Sung gyu tried his best to not to break into tears, though he already had.

“D-did you hear that?” He asked the others, just to clarify it to himself. “My baby just said his first word…”

“Pappa” Little Sung Jae said again, this time with much elaboration in his voice, his tiny wrists clenching and unclenching, gesturing towards his father. And the father, the father was a happy, crying mess.

“Oh god, oh my god” He said and took the baby in both his arms. He held him against his chest, the warmth of a loving father engulfing the child in a sincere embrace. He might not have the same tenderness, the same warmth of a mother. But the comfort which could come from a father who had always been seen as to be made of steel, the moment that toughness melts into affection and love, nothing could ever be compared to that, ever.

He kissed the baby’s tuft of soft dark hair and held him up so they faced one another. Sung Jae was smiling, a tiny happy curve on his chubby cheeks. It was beautiful. Sung Gyu kissed on either of them and held him close as he wordlessly leaned into his mother’s embrace.

“You’re doing so well, Sung Gyu-ah” She said to him, and he looked down at her with a proud smile.

“Sung Jae’s doing well” He said.

“And that’s why he deserves a party on his birthday” Woohyun chose this moment to announce, and by the spur of the moment, Sung Gyu easily gave in, just because-,

“Sung Jae deserves everything…”

But what he really didn’t know was that the party wasn’t for the baby. Not at all. It was, in fact him who really needed it the most.

*

Planning a party, however was a given headache. There were places to choose from, food to order, invitations to be sent; all of this while earning a living and carrying a crying baby in his arms. Woohyun was doing the most of it, which was a relief. Nonetheless, just thinking about everything that needed to be done was running him insane. He regretted agreeing to this the first place. But Sung gyu refrained from saying anything which could hurt his best friend. Woohyun had good intentions. Sung gyu knew that he did. Although he was unable to understand what exactly those good intentions were, he merely allowed things to happen, because just as much as Sung jae deserved a little celebration for his achievements, Woohyun did too, for being by his side no matter what.

They decided to hold the party at his parents’ house. Despite it being a convenience to all of them, the house was also spacious with a wide expanse of a garden and a sizeable living room to house a big crowd and a kitchen to serve the catering. Planning a party within two days was no fun. They had to bring people to clean the house, which, of course was not in good shape since a toddler had taken over the place, and they also had to mend to the garden. Sung Gyu’s sister, despite her protests, offered to help him with the food and the like, Woohyun insisted he sent out the invitations and made Sung Jae a cake. That didn’t leave Sung Gyu to do much, except for occasional complaining and taking the whole thing way to seriously than he really should. The one who enjoyed it the most was Sung jae. He adored having all those people mingling about in the house. He entertained everyone with his loud and endless stories, giggles and laughter. He tried to walk, waddling across the house and falling on his knees. He wouldn’t even cry, for the strong little man he was. He’d always stand up again and waddle as long as he could. Or he’d just sit with the people, talking to them in his baby words. When he would get tired of doing all that, he’d crawl over to his quilt on the floor and drift to sleep.

Sung Jae was a wonderful baby. That’s why Sung Gyu didn’t have to worry over his head about his well-being. He was, after all in the hands of his mother, the same hands which brought him up for twenty-six years. He trusted his parents to look after the child a lot better than he ever could. So what was it that frustrated him at all times when he’d think of the party?

Yes. It was the one single detail which kept him on his toes every passing second. It was happening to him already. Sung Gyu, despite everything he’d been put through, was anticipating for her to make her return. That was what which scared him, day and night. What if she didn’t return at all and leave his heart shattering once all over again? Or what if he was only being delusional? She had always been like a bird, struggling to flap her wings and fly away. She had dreams. Millions of them. And her flying away from he responsibility of a child whom she had duly neglected for a month before entrusting him to Sung Gyu, could he honestly expect any less of her? But he never lost hope. That was the kind of a man he was. He trusted her, more than anything else. And he had a firm belief that one day, one day, she will surely return.

It wasn’t something which he confided in his best friend, nonetheless. It was something Sung Gyu would rather keep to himself. If he’d end up being disappointed, the pain would only be on him, and he would have nobody to put the blame on, and that was good. What he really did confide in him was a supporting hand, both physically and morally. It’s what he’d been for him all through and through.

Therefore, on the day of the party, the two of them decided to meet in the morning at the nearest coffee shop. As he usually did, Sung gyu had given Sung Jae a ride in his car from the garage to the gate, holding him securely in his lap, letting the baby slam his fists on the honk as he very well pleased. But then as he tried to pass the child to his mother when they were already in the drive way, Sung Jae refused to even budge, having a firm grip around his father’s neck and crying ‘Pappa, Pappa’ on and on like a broken vinyl. The pleas were so adorable that it melted his heart instantly. They were meeting for a cup of coffee anyway, and it was Woohyun. So in the end Sung Gyu left his car in the driveway, picked up the baby against his hip, got him dressed warm for the season, strapped him into his baby seat in the back and drove off to where they were supposed to meet.

Woohyun greeted them with a cry of pure delight the moment he saw his best friend walking in with a gleefully laughing baby in his arms. Woohyun was always so excited whenever the baby was involved that Sung gyu had wondered myriad times if he still hung around him not for his best friend but for the love he had for the kid. Sung Jae loved Woohyun too, and greeted him with his loud baby talking, telling him about things which Sung Gyu was certain he’d been dying to share with one of his favorite people. Woohyun ordered their usual while Sung Gyu sat at their designated table with Sung Jae in his lap, feeding his bottle. (Sung Jae hated the baby seats. Whenever they went out for meals or coffee or dessert and whenever Sung Gyu tried to strap him to the baby seat, Sung Jae would start screeching blue murder, garnering everyone’s attention; and afraid that people would think he was doing something terrible to his son, Sung Gyu always opted to hold him in his lap) But when Woohyun returned, balanding a tray of beverages in his hands, Sung gyu looked up with a frown.

“The espresso machines are down, apparently” Woohyun said with a shrug as he placed the tray on the table before them. “So we have to do with something cold and sweet for today”

Sung Gyu scoffed as he returned his focus on Sung Jae on is bottle. “What kind of coffee shop get their espresso machines broken?”

“The ones we visit, apparently” Woohyun said with a laugh.

The two continued to discuss their invitees, leaving the the cold drinks unattended while Sung Jae played with his rattles as he stood between his father’s legs. He was having fun. He was always having fun. He tried to brake off from his father’s grasp and walk off towards the things which fascinated him. The shiny jade green plants, the glass pane separating them from the street outside, the lady’s handbag who was sitting on the other table, the young man who was making funny faces at him, making him laugh. Sung Gyu let him do as he pleased as long as he stayed in the vicinity. He wasn’t a strict father. He wanted Sung Jae to enjoy as much as he liked to. He firmly believed that children learn through experience, through encountering new things. And little Sung Jae was smart for his age. He found fascination in almost everything. He loved everything that moved, that made an odd sound or that shined and made him happy. And whenever he did, he’d move towards it with determination, although he couldn’t find balance on his feet without the support of other things around him. He always wanted to have them in their hands, and sometimes simply stuff them in his mouth, as if tasting them gave him a clear idea of what they were. Sung Gyu was attentive nonetheless, keeping an eye on him at all times. So when Sung Jae tried to pry off his grasp with a loud cry of protest, Sung gyu let out a long, heavy sigh and pulled him back into his lap.

“Stay there, Jae. Appa’s trying to do something”

Sung Jae didn’t understand anyway. He simply found fascination in the next thing which caught his eyes. The tall glasses of beverages with a tall swirl of whipped cream and all the nice extra things topping them. They looked so tall, pretty and fascinating. Sure enough, Sung Jae wanted them. He also wanted to stuff them in his mouth; which was the only thing which actually made sense.

“What’s it, Jae?” Sung Gyu asked, bouncing the baby on his knee as he gestured at the glasses on the table with an eager look. “Pappa” He called, looked at his father and back at the glasses. “Pappa, Pappa!”

“Oh, I think he’d like some” Woohyun said with a chuckle.

“Do you?” Sung Gyu cooed and brought one of the glasses towards him. Sung jae quickly climbed up on his feet while balancing himself on his father’s knees. His stubby hands pressed onto the table, the other kept reaching for the glass. Sung Gyu brought it even closer, and Sung Jae immediately reached out and took a handful of fluffy white whipped cream before stuffing his hand in his mouth.

“You like whipped cream? Does it taste good?” Sung Gyu went on in an amused tone, and watched as the baby definitely enjoyed himself. He took handfuls of whipped cream, it off his fingers, smothered it all over his face and laughed loudly in delight.

“Aw look at you; you look like Santa clause!” Woohyun cheered, and Sung Jae giggled even louder.

“I think he liked whipped cream” Sung Gyu said, feeling his heart fill with warmth at the beautiful sight of his baby enjoying himself. Sung Jae laughed even more so, said something urgent in his baby words, a look of all seriousness on his face. Then he stashed a handful of cold whipped cream right across his father’s face, making Woohyun laugh.

“I think he wanted to share with his daddy this fascinating thing” Woohyun moved the glass closer and made big doe eyes. “Ooh! What is this sorcery? Why is this so nice?”

Sung Jae laughed loudly at his tone. So did Sung gyu, and Woohyun followed. “Aw, look at him, Hyung. He’s having fun”

“He’s having fun all the time” Sung Gyu explained, trying to dodge as Sung Jae kept stashing whipped cream on his face. “He’d have fun doing anything. Won’t you Jae, huh? Huh?” With that, Sung Gyu tickled Sung Jae on his stomach, his armpits, and Sung Jae laughed so hard, squirming around, definitely enjoying himself to the fullest. But then when he ended being delighted by the now melting foam, he found even more of happiness in the now remaining glass of cold caramel coffee. Thus, without a second thought, he reached out with a stubby hand, pushed the tall glass of pure excitement and successfully spilled the beverage all over the table, pouring down to the floor, on his father’s pants and shoes, making a whole bubbling mess.

“Whoops!” Yelled Woohyun, but Sung Jae wasn’t stopping there. He reached over and began to slam his hands on the spilled coffee, making it splash around and staining his father’s clothes even further. Instead of getting mad at his behavior, however, Sung Gyu was only getting hyped up with his excitement. He didn’t care that they were making a mess or being embarrassing. He didn’t care that his clothes, face and even his phone was destroyed. All that he cared for was the delighted laughter coming from the child.

“Look at him having fun, Hyung! Isn’t he a big bundle of joy?” Woohyun went on, and Sung Gyu laughed, now trying to dodge as Sung Jae spread all the spilled milk on his face, like he was giving a facial treatment of coffee and milk.

“He sure is, but I’m not” He said in response. But Woohyun could see right through him, right through his laughter and the fake look of annoyance. He could see it all.

“You know what, Hyung?” He said, as Sung Jae finally calmed down and resorted to only slam his hand on the spilled milk. “You make it sound like you are suffering. But you’re having the time of your life”

“Aren’t I?” Sung Gyu said, and began to dab at the spilled milk with a stash of paper napkins. “Look at me, I’m wiping off the big mess that he just made. This is what fatherhood is like, Woohyun”

“I am looking at you” Woohyun said, stood up, and began to dab at the milk with tissues himself. “And do you know what I see? You’re happy, Hyung. You’re glowing. I have never seen you happier my entire life”

“That is what it is now, isn’t it?” Sung Gyu said, fighting a smile.

“That’s exactly what it is” Woohyun replied, and finally reached over to take the baby in his arms. “Come on you little monster. Daddy needs to get cleaned up”

When he finally stood up, went in to the rest room and saw his reflection in the mirror, Sung Gyu knew that Woohyun was indeed not lying. His hair was sticking in all directions, traces of foam and milk stained his shirt and his face. Despite all that, however, his face was fuller, his eyes were brighter and there was a smile constantly on his face. Sung Gyu might have lost the love of his life, however, he had just gotten himself much, much better. It was happiness, happiness, which he knew would last for a long, long time.

*

That evening, as everybody else ran all over the house running errands and calling people, doing all the difficult work, preparing for the party; Sung Gyu sat on the carpet, dressed in a suit, his caramel blond hair done in a stylish up do and wearing the biggest and the proudest smile of a father as he watched Sung Jae waddle alone all over the carpet and laughing at his heart’s content. He was in a cute navy suit which his mother had made for him. A navy suit, because Woohyun thought he’d be an explorer when he grows up. Which made sense, in a way, judging by how curious he was about almost everything. But only, he was more keen on stuffing them in his mouth, whatever aroused his curiosity, so Sung Gyu thought he’d be a chef when he grew up; hence the cute little chef hat on his head. And Sung Jae loved it, just like he loved everything else. He was walking around in his squeaky shoes, enjoying the sound that it made with every step. He kept on falling on his bum as he tried to walk, but even if Sung Gyu panicked with every fall, he would always get back on his feet with a gleeful shriek and continue to waddle across the threshold even more.

At that moment, however, he had found Sung Gyu’s tie fascinating, and was doing everything that he could do have a taste of it in his mouth.

“No, baby” Sung Gyu said, trying to pry off his hands from his tie. “You can’t eat everything that you see!” It was also a brand new one. Sung Gyu’s mother washed all his clothes, and also most things in the house and kept them sanitized because Sung Jae loved to put things in his mouth. Even if the tie was sanitized, Sung Gyu had to look presentable for the guests. He didn’t want a wet stain on his clothes when he greeted them.

“Pappa!” Sung Jae protested loudly when his father finally managed to throw the tie to his back. Sung Jae was about to throw a tantrum now. When he needed something, he would definitely need it. But then, as if coming for his rescue, Woohyun crawled over to them, dressed in a smart suit himself, and Sung jae, who was delighted by the appearance of his next favorite person, abandoned his father and the tie he couldn’t have a taste of and waddled his way towards the other.

“Oh, look! He walked!” Woohyun exclaimed, widening his eyes like satellite dishes.

“That’s just two steps, Woohyun” Sung gyu shrugged. “You’re early”

“Thought you might need an extra hand” Woohyun said and gathered the excited baby in his arms. “Come on now, oh mighty sailor. Hyung’s got a present for you!”

“Not Hyung, Ahjussie” Sung Gyu deadpanned, and Woohyun only laughed in response.

“Whatever Hyung” He said as he climbed up on his feet. “I’ll take over for a while. Your mum said she wanted to talk to you”

Sung Gyu frowned. “About what?”

By that time, However, Woohyun and Sung Jae had already disappeared out of his sight.

Sung Gyu found his mother in the kitchen, helping out his sister and the people from the catering service. He went over to her and caught her elbow, asking for her attention. “Is there anything you want me to do, omma?” He asked.

Sung Gyu’s mother looked up and looked a little surprised at the sight of him standing there, like she never expected to see him. But soon the surprise wore off, being replaced by something close to determination. She took his hand in her own, and then she led him into the laundry room before closing the door behind her.

“Umm” Sung gyu frowned, looking at the wet stanching laundry surrounding him. “What are we doing here?”

“This” Sung Gyu’s mother said, and he happened to look down, only to find her holding what looked like a little wallet in her hand.

“What is it?” He questioned as he took it in his hand. She didn’t respond, and she didn’t need to, as Sung Gyu ped the wallet and pulled three books, what seemed like bank books, out of it.

“This is the money we collected for you” Said Sung Gyu’s mother with a fond smile. “The money for your wedding, Sung Gyu…”’

“The money…” Sung Gyu mumbled as he through the bank books, flickering them open with urgency. He checked the accounts; they had a large sum in total. A sum, he knew that both his parents had worked hard to earn. Their family was well off, but Sung Gyu knew for a fact that every penny his parents had spent on bringing up him and his sister was earned with commitment and hard work on both parts. Once both his parents had retired, Sung Gyu had promised himself to take care of the financial aspect for the family and look after them the best way he could. What he didn’t know, however was that all this time, from every penny they earned, they had invested an amount all for the sake of his marriage, and now he hated it. It wasn’t right. And he couldn’t take it.

He flipped the books close, returned them into their rightful place and let out a groan, covering his face in both his hands. “No, mom…No”

His mother moved closer to him and pulled his hands off his face before she held them in her won. “Listen, Sung gyu. I know you hate to talk about this, but it’s high time that you take the responsibility of your life to your own hands”

Sung gyu sighed and looked down at his mother with desperate eyes. “But mom, I can’t take your money. Forget getting married. It’s just…you worked so hard to earn this, and I haven’t even done my part right. I disappointed you. I went and had a child-,”

“Hush now” Sung Gyu’s mother said firmly which left him speechless momentarily. In this silence, she made it the moment to cup his face in her hands and look into his eyes with a gentle smile. “Look. You’re our only son, and your father and I are only doing our part. We want you to have this money, we want you to spend it on a beautiful marriage and live happily. After all we have done for you, is it too much to ask for?”

Sung Gyu’s head was spinning. He felt like breaking into tears then and there. He knew that it was his responsibility to do his part, which he had already failed. But life, for now was difficult as it was. He had his heart broken badly, his one true love had fled away and disappeared without a trace. The only thing she had left behind was a baby, desperate and miserable as himself; and the last thing he could do right now was getting married. Even the thought of it was making him feel many things than one, and he hated himself for being unable to fulfil his parents’ dearest wishes.

“I-I don’t know…mom” He mumbled, and hung his head, avoiding meeting her gaze. “It’s already too hard for me…”

“I know” said his mother and kissed him softly on his forehead. “I understand how you feel right now. But it breaks my heart, seeing you waiting for her to return every day, sitting by the window with that look in your eyes…” She sobbed, and it made Sung gyu hate himself even more, for having made her cry, for having put both his parents through this misery. But Sung Gyu’s mother never seemed to stop loving him. She caressed his cheeks, which were still full and fluffy despite his age and carried on. “You know; some people out there are whom you call free souls. They’re like birds, striving to fly away whenever they feel right. This girl, you and I both knew the moment she walked in through those doors, was one of them. She had a wild spirit, she had a mind of her own, didn’t she? And nothing could keep her captive. Not even how much you loved her. So sometimes you just have to accept the truth and move on, you know? Because, regardless of everything, you just got to go on living”

Sung gyu didn’t know what to say in response, and at the memory of her, his heart shattered once all over again, bringing him to the brink of tears. He was never good with handling emotions, perhaps because he was constantly pampered by his parents, showering him with love. He was always desperate for affection; and if one thing went wrong in his life, he’d simply go tumbling down to the edge, barely holding on. And he needed someone to pull him back to the surface, someone with a steel grip on his hand, someone who could handle the weight of his heart. For all the twenty-six years which had passed, that one strong person to hold him back from falling to the abyss had always been his mother.

He didn’t say a word as he fell into his mother’s embrace. He couldn’t say anything, because he knew that she was right. Sung Gyu couldn’t go on waiting for her to return forever, and judging by the kind of person she was, it was unlikely that she ever would. Just like his mother said, she was a bird who couldn’t be kept captive, not even by his earnest love. The moment went things went wrong for her, she had decided it the right thing to do, to entrust he weight of her life to the man she trusted the most and fly away from the harsh reality which would hold her back from living the life she desired. He had become her victim in that sense. The victim to carry the weight of a child and the memory of her, all on his own, and that was suffocating him. That left him no space to live.

But still he had to go on living.

“Ssh…it’s okay” Whispered his mother, rubbing his back as he grasped onto him like she was his only strength. “Nothing needs to be rushed. Things would happen when they are bound to happen, and things take time. The wounds would heal, Sung Gyu. No matter if she returned or not. And one day, there would be a woman who would love you, for your perfections and flaws, and by that time, all of this will be nothing but a memory”

And he trusted her. He trusted her words to be true more than anything else. He’d wait forever to have these wounds healed. To find that one woman who’d win his heart over the one who still owned it. When that happens, he’d swear he wouldn’t let go, no matter if it would all his strength to hold her back from flying away from him, because a heart could be broken once, but if it broke twice, he just never would be able to take it any longer.

*

“There you are!” Woohyun exclaimed as he made his way through the crowd holding a giggling baby with what seemed like a wooden spoon in his hands. Sung gyu reached his friend and took the baby in his arms, giving the other a questioning look. “What’s the rush?”

“Rush?” Woohyun gave him a look of exasperation. “The party, man! People are coming, and you two, the stars of the occasion, should greet them!”

Sung gyu sighed and steadied the child on his hip before giving the baby a long look. He had the wooden spoon in his mouth with dribble dripping down his chin, his clothes were ruffled and the chef hat was crooked. “The star doesn’t look much like a star himself” he said.

“Oh you look fine” Woohyun said with a hurried pat on his shoulder and completely missing the point. “Come on, now. And oh! That spoon will need to go”

“You can’t eat everything in the world, Jae” Sung Gyu reprimanded as he slowly pulled the spoon from the child’s hands. “Do you want to look like a nasty little Sailor-chef? Now do you?”

“Sung Gyu Hyung!” Woohyun called from the hallway, and he could only give an exasperated sigh. “Now come on, big guy. We’ve got to get this party started”

Sung Jae giggled like he just heard the funniest thing in the whole world.

“Oh Hyung!”

Sung gyu giggled back and kissed Sung Jae on his cheek before yielding to his best friend’s endless pleas.

“I’m coming!”

*

The thing about getting your extremely sociable friend involved in inviting people to your Three year old toddler’s birthday party was that, once you get to actually have a look at the gathered crowd, you’d realise that you hadn’t known half the people, ever in your life. Sung Gyu was having a mental breakdown. First off, there were too many people that had never once met in his life. Secondly, he didn’t even know in which way they played a role in his rather desponded, socially awkward life. Thirdly, he had already forgotten the names and the faces of most people he was introduced to, and the party had only started.

There were soo many, too many people to remember. Sung Jae liked the greeting part, because he met so many new faces and they all greeted him with presents he couldn’t even carry in his arms. But that was the bit that Sung Gyu despised the most. Carrying the baby in his arms was one thing, and passing him to arms of strangers was another. Doing all of that simultaneously and also acting as congenial and welcoming as he could while he was developing a severe headache over the whole lot of this was more than what he could handle. After about thirty minutes, he gave up on greeting the guests, passed the baby into his best friend’s arms despite his reluctance and simply wandered off to the kitchen, wondering if he could find something to drink.

The kitchen too, was crowded with the staff from the catering and so many other people he couldn’t recognize. His mother sat among all of them, barking orders and looking like the queen of England, propped down in a kitchen stool. He waved at her as if they were in two different poles of the peninsula, and was all about to make his way through the crowd when an unfamiliar but an incredibly feminine voice called his name.

“Umm…Sung Gyu-Ssi?”

Sung Gyu whipped around, pulling off the most genuine and welcoming smile he could muster, but then when he set his eyes on the person who had asked for her, he could swear his heart skipped a beat.

A girl, definitely few years of his junior with dark hair and bangs fallen lazily on her forehead, a gleaming stance in her eyes was looking up at him expectantly. She looked so young, almost a child, but the slight tan of her skin and the look in her eyes seemed to say otherwise. Her hair, dark long and slightly wavy was scrunched halfway behind her head, the rest of it falling gracefully behind her. When she smiled, dimples formed, and in a far, angels began to sing. He was in a trance. She was beautiful.

“Oh…oh” Sung Gyu mumbled when he finally came to his senses. “Oh, umm…is there anything I could help you with?”

“Ugh, yeah” She grunted, and held out a green bottle of Champagne in her frail hands. “Yeah, um…Woohyun Oppa asked me to give this to someone in the kitchen but everyone seems busy, so-,”

“Oh” Sung gyu nodded and took the bottle in his hands. “Oh, I’m sorry…you should have left it somewhere…”

The girl laughed, a tingling laughter which reminded him much of wedding chimes; and then she rolled her eyes. “Oh no, Woohyun Oppa specifically asked me to give this to someone. He’d have killed me if I did otherwise”

Sung Gyu smiled. “He could be weird like that sometimes…” He looked down at the girl then, traced her fine features and tried to recall if he had greeted her by the door. But there were so many of them, and he couldn’t really pinpoint whom she was, and when he did meet her for the first time (Although she wasn’t the kind of a girl who could have gone unnoticed”

“Umm…” he started, hesitantly at first, but he gave into his thoughts anyway. “Are you one of his friends? Woohyun’s, I mean”

“Oh no, no, no” The girl said with a dismissive laughter. “I’m more of a relative…to be. I don’t think you’ve met me before, but you met me now…” She laughed again, and every time he heard it, he could swear his heart did all sorts of funny things. “Well I should probably go and find my sister…it was nice meeting you, and thank you for the invite! Great party”

He couldn’t even get her name, or thank her, for whatever reason; because she had already disappeared into the crowd. Dressed in a lacy white princess dress and pearls and glitter in her hair, she could really be passed as a princess who had stepped out straight from a fairy tale. And Sung Gyu was a man with a lost love; his heart could easily be shook, be it a fairy tale princess, or a bloody gherkin.

*

“Hyung, you seriously should stop wandering off like that” Woohyun complained to him as he ed the baby into his arms for the nth time of the day. “You’re the star of the party, remember? You should be here, glimmering at all times”

“No I’m not the star” Sung Gyu said, taking Sung Jae’s hand off his collar. “This guy is. But he’s rather bad at it”

Woohyun formed a thin line with his lips and shook his head. “Well you both are. Aren’t we supposed to cut the cake now?”

“Oh yeah, cake!” Sung Gyu cheered, and baby Sung Jae joined in with a cheering of his own. “Do you like cake, Jae? Do you?”

“Pappa” he started, and went onto enthrall him with one of his long tales, which probably had something to do with cakes, and stuffing them into your mouth.

However, when the crowd gathered in the living room for the time of the celebration, Sung Jae’s stories had long ended. He was tired and was lolling in his father’s arms, almost drifting off to sleep. He was an early sleeper, much like his father himself. Sung Gyu had to keep distracting him with his new toys and everything possible to keep him awake, finally opting to the wooden spoon that he much loved.

They had set a stool in the middle of the living room, opened all the French windows letting the cold wind of the season inside. The stool was encircled with blue and white helium balloons and decorations related to sailors and ships. Sung Jae was wide awake at the sight of all these. He loved shiny sparkly things, even if they were not so shiny and sparkly, so to speak. So when Sung Gyu settled down in front of the stool with Sung Jae sitting on his knees, the baby tried his best to reach for the balloons and ruin the props. It took all of Sung Gyu’s strength to keep them out of the way.

They had made little Sung Jae a massive birthday cake. It was all things to do with ships collected into a three layered cake. On the top most layer was a chef’s hat, an identical one to the one he wore. When Sung Gyu’s mother walked through the crowd carrying the cake in her hands, everyone awed in delight, including Sung gyu, who had already seen it since he was the one to bring it from the bakery, but the happiest one of them all was baby Sung Jae; his eyes sparkling in fascination and surprise.

The moment the cake was set down, he tried to reach for the candles. Sung Gyu didn’t want the baby to get his hands burnt, despite his attraction to the cake and delight, so he gestured everyone to get on with singing the ‘Happy birthday’ song. Which they all did, loudly, with loads of cheers that Sung Jae looked around himself with eyes full of surprise. He also started to sing a song of his own, matching the tune of the others. When everyone clapped, Sung Jae began to clap as well. But his attention soon averted to the cake again, so Sung Gyu helped out by blowing at the candles himself, earning cheers from everyone.

When he cut a piece of the cake and gestured Sung Jae to take hold of it, however, the message was miscommunicated, and Sung Jae simply went and began to squeeze the cake in his fists.

“Aw, Jae” Sung gyu pouted, watching the child giggling in happiness, crumbles of cake and blue frosting falling off his fingers. “That’s not how you do it”

Everyone laughed in response and a buzz went around the crowd. Through that Sung gyu heard Woohyun’s voice yell; “Well that is one way of eating cake!”

True to his words, Sung Jae stuffed a handful of cake in his mouth and began to laugh.

“Oh, so that’s what you’re doing” Sung Gyu sang and reached for the cake himself so that he could feed a piece to the baby himself. But all before he could do anything, Sung Jae’s hand slammed onto his face, smothering a handful of frosting across his face.

“And that’s one way of feeding it!” Woohyun yelled from the crowd once more.

It was strange, but Sung Gyu found himself searching for the princess girl in the crowd. His eyes had caught the sight of her during the celebration. She was laughing along with the rest of them while Sung Jae smashed the cake in his stubby fists; her head tilted to a side as she was watching them, her doe eyes glimmering like stars. The glitter in her hair added shine to her already brilliant smile, and every time he caught a glimpse of her, his heart skipped a beat. It was strange indeed; but the more he caught the sight of her, the more he wanted to see.

Once the cake cutting was done and done, it was time to serve it to the guests with Champagne. Sung Gyu was carrying the baby around, talking to the guests and finding a moment to sit down and stretch his limbs time to time. And while he was at it, he’d secretly steal a glimpse of her, sitting among the crowd like a star, a fairytale princess, the smile on her lips not leaving once. It was a heart filling sight; just seeing a beautiful girl smiling and having the time of her life. It made him think back to his own young days, and her; dressed in the same way, like a princess, living her life being surrounded by the people of her favorite kind, smiling, laughing and just living. It was strange. But this girl reminded him of a life of his own that he had lost.

“Hey, Hyung” Called Woohyun from somewhere, interrupting his train of thoughts. He looked up to see Woohyun approaching him with a million-dollar smile and two glasses of champagne.

“Oh hey” He greeted, and put Sung jae down as he wriggled off his grasp, and accepted the glass he was offered. “How are you enjoying the party?”

“I’m more of the party-runner” Woohyun said, taking a seat beside the other. “You seem to be having a good time? And how is Sailor boo?”

Sung Jae was waddling across the carpet, holding onto furniture for support, and the wooden spoon was in his free hand.

“He’s having fun” Sung gyu said and smiled. “You know; he’s always having fun”

The two of them talked about the party guests for a while, not a fond topic for Sung Gyu himself, but he was determined to find out more about the fairy tale girl; so he tried to pry information on her without trying to sound like a creepy old stalker.

“Who’s your friend who gave me the bottle of Champagne?” Sung gyu started, casually slipping it into the conversation. Woohyun turned to him with a look. “Ah so you’re the guy she gave it to”

“Apparently” Sung gyu nodded.

“Eunji” Woohyun said, and nodded over at the direction where she was sitting with another woman who had a striking resemblance to her, except for princess dressing and glittery long hair and a skinny boy with pale skin and shaggy long hair. “She’s a good friend. But a bit stuck up. Stubborn, weird. She going out with that guy” Woohyun took a sip of his champagne and made a sour face, pointing at the shaggy haired boy. “That guy what’shisname; complete weirdo. He’s an artist or something. Makes stone sculptures which look nothing like art but those creepy things from Silent hill. Boohyun Hyung is worried if the relationship would go on”

It was strange, yet again, but Sung Gyu’s heart fell at his words. A shaggy haired artist boyfriend. He looked weird alright. And Sung gyu never liked the kind who had greasy long hair. They looked…untrustworthy somehow. Like they were somewhat illusionary. Unreal. He never knew what made him feel that way. But this boy didn’t seem very nice. He bet he was very clingy, and asked for her attention every passing second. He bet he wasn’t even as funny as he looks.

“Hey, do you want to talk to her or something?” Woohyun asked, and Sung gyu suddenly realized that he had been staring at the girl for the past few minutes. He had forgotten her name as soon as he heard it. He was too embarrassed to ask him again because it would make him look like he’s actually interested in her, hence giving Woohyun the wrong impression.

“Oh no, not at all” Sung gyu denied instantly and averted his gaze. “Oh, where has the little sailor gone off too?”

*

As the night continued, the crowded house felt to stuffy and unwelcoming for the both of them. Sung gyu needed some air, and Sung Jae needed his nightly bottle and some time away from the mingling crowd. He carried him off in his arms and together they walked out into the balmy winds and the earthly scent of the forthcoming spring. It was cold, still. The previous season was yet to wear off. But the snow was gone, and the green was blooming in the trees. The rain was almost constant, leaving the ambiance cold and damp. It was a good weather. He liked the wetness in the grass and the moisture in the air surrounding him. And Sung Jae liked it when it formed misty clouds as they spoke.

Sung Jae wanted to get down on the ground so Sung Gyu let him and held onto both his hands as the baby tried to walk. The two of them walked together, Sung Gyu laughing at him every time Sung Jae lost his footing. He carried him in his arms then and the two of them tried to catch the dew in their hands as they fell from the tips of the jade green leaves. Afterwards, Sung Gyu sat alone on the front porch, listening to the mingling coming from inside while watching little Sung Jae playing on his own. His thoughts had, somehow wandered off to the only distraction of the night.

And it was a good distraction, although he felt like a creepy person having a high school crush on a girl he had barely even met. The girl was beautiful. She reminded him of fairytales and the girls from them who never really existed. It was so strange that they actually did, but easily went unnoticed. This girl probably was snow white, in her glimmering white dress and the glitter in her raven hair. But then, her skin was slightly tanned, and her eyes were big, round, like a little girl finding fascination in the stars and their untold stories. Or maybe she was the ice princess, the one with powers to turn everything she touched into ice. But then, this girl had touched his heart only with her delightful gaze, and now it lied by his feet in a melted puddle. She definitely turned absolutely nothing into ice. Then she probably was that tiny fairy whom peter pan was friends with. Tinker bell, now wasn’t it? She definitely was one tiny little fairy. She carried all the joy in just her smile and laughter. The sight of her made everyone happy.

And that wasn’t the only reason why she was a good distraction. No. Not only her smile, or her indescribable beauty. It was also her ability to keep his mind off from the one thing that he didn’t want to end up thinking about at all.

For once, he was convinced that she wasn’t going to come back. He wasn’t waiting for her to walk through the gate, giving her usual wide-eyes smile and greetings he was so familiar with. He wasn’t waiting for her to walk into his arms and promise him that she would never fly away from him anymore. She had left him for good; and her own little dreams and desires mattered to her a lot more than his love or the outcome of that love mattered to her; and for once, it was okay. It was okay because he was finally realizing that he might be able to move on and go on living. And he truly had to. Sung gyu was happy. He was happy to be Sung Jae’s father and happy to live the rest of his life with him. Just like Woohyun had told him, Sung Gyu wasn’t suffering; at least with Sung jae he wasn’t. If he was ever, that would be in anticipation for a lost love that would never return. But suddenly it didn’t hurt as much, because he hadn’t anticipated her tonight. Tonight, he enjoyed spending it with the delightful laughter of his baby, the people he had never known, and a girl who stole his heart for the night, and that should be good enough.

“S-Sung Gyu-Ssi?” Came a voice from behind him over the loud chatter of people inside. The front door was open, and just as if she had heard his inner-most thoughts, there stood the girl; tinker bell? Oh just the fairy-tale princess in her lacy doll dress and the glitter shining in her hair; a graceful smile donning her lips as she looked down at him, Sung Jae’s bottle held in her hands.

“Oh, hey!” Sung gyu climbed up on his feet, and little Sung jae waddled towards him and grasped onto his leg.

“Oh, look, he walked!” Said the girl pointing at the baby and laughed like it made her the happiest person on earth. It was a beautiful laughter. The kind of a laughter which easily beckoned you to join alone. Instead of joining, however, with his ears and cheeks turning crimson, Sung gyu shyly crouched down and took the little boy in his arms. “Oh no, he does it all the time”

“Oh, he does it, now?” Said the girl and laughed even further. She looked down at her hands a bit shyly then, when Sung Gyu didn’t respond to her, and looked up with the same shy smile. “Um, Woohyun Oppa said you forgot his bottle” she said and held out Sung Jae’s nightly feed. Sung Jae, who immediately noticed what was his, squirmed in Sung Gyu’s arms, blabbering on in his baby words which made the girl laugh even more so, as Sung gyu only watched her, almost mesmerized. She looked absolutely breathtaking even as she stood from a far. He was certain she looked a lot more beautiful up close, and even more so on the inside.

“Hey, do you want it?” She said, moved closer and held it out towards Sung Jae. Sung Jae happily reached over and snatched it from her hands, making her giggle like a little girl. Sung gyu just went on watching her; his heart doing somersaults at the sight of her. Her beauty and the very existence, just standing there and shining like a star was making it difficult for him to breath.

“Enjoy your dinner then, little Sailor” Mused the girl as she stepped away from her, and it broke his heart that she was leaving already. But he had to make up his mind. He was a father. He had a baby. And he stood in nobody’s league. He had no potential. He had to accept that. Nor did he have shaggy black hair (His was straight and caramel blond), nor was he good at building stone sculptures. And she was a fairytale princess whom only a prince could sweep off her feet.

“So, um, I’ll be going in then…”

“Yeah, sure” Sung gyu said and gave her a nod. “And thank you for the bottle, umm…”

“Eunji” the girl said with a smile. “My name is Jung-,”

But she couldn’t continue any further, because a sound coming from the opening gate distracted them. It was a familiar sound, the creak and the sound of metal hitting one another. The girl peaked over Sung Gyu’s shoulder, a questioning look in her eyes. Sung Gyu followed her gaze himself-,

And he felt it. He felt is so hard; his heart shattering into tiny unamendable fragments in his ribcage. He could almost hear it as it broke. The time stood still for a moment, and in the cold spring breeze, her long dark hair swayed gracefully like it always did. Sung gyu couldn’t see her face. It was too dark by the gate to see anything. But he knew the very existence of her very well. The fur rimmed jacket he was so familiar to, and the posture he had seen myriad times. She was anxious. That’s when she did it. Her face was covered up t her eyes. She was scared, and she was all about to run away, he was sure.

But he wasn’t going to let her run away. Not from him. Not again.

Sung Gyu didn’t know what came over him at that moment when he turned around to the girl and held the baby out to her. “Hold him” he remembered himself saying, and she effortlessly followed as she was told. Thereon, Sung Gyu whipped around, searching for that familiar figure by the gate, but no, it was gone, it was already gone. But she couldn’t have gone too far. Even the parted gate was waving the slightest. She had rushed out only now.

Sung Gyu took off in a run and reached for the gate. The street was dark despite the florescent lights on the either sides of the road. But there was no human figure strolling along in the darkness. She must have been shocked, scared. She must have run away from him, thinking that he would never take him back. But oh no, he would. He would, over anything; because nothing mattered to him more than her return. All he wanted was to feel her in his arms, hold her and tell her he’d give anything to have her made his own. But she wasn’t in his sight anymore. He had to go on and search for her. He shouldn’t give up so soon.

He left the gate open, and ran through the darkened street, his eyes searching every nook and cranny for the familiar sight. The sight of her was hard to go unnoticed. Although her frame was small, she was a girl who always left a significant presence wherever she went, like a trace for anyone to follow after if they cared to. And he knew her too well, inside out. He knew her enough to determine what she looked like, even in the dark, huddled in so many layers of cloth. But when there wasn’t even that trace of her in the path she had gone on, Sung Gyu began to panic. He was almost convinced that what he just saw was only an illusion.

But no, even the fairy-tale girl had seen her. Sung gyu could swear she reacted at the sight of her presence, looking over at the gate when it creaked and noticing the girl who stood in the dark. It wasn’t a trick of his delusional mind. It was real.

Nonetheless, although Sung gyu walked on and on down the street, looking into darkened corners, looking if she was huddled in there, waiting to be found; there wasn’t even a slightest trace that she had been there. Sung gyu walked all the way down the avenue to the edge of it where the street met with the road leading to the town. He looked in the bus stop, looking if she had come down there since it was a place where they used to meet in the past. But there was only an older lady in a fur coat, similar to hers, holding an umbrella when it didn’t even rain. There was no her. She had disappeared yet again, dissolved into the thin air like snow in the spring. She had fled off again, and quite possibly, to never return.

What wrong had he done to her that she always hurt him this way?

In the end, Sung Gyu gave up on looking for her, deciding that he had indeed seen a blurry vision only inflicted in his mind. He was already convinced that it was possibly somebody else, just checking on where the loud noises were coming from in the quiet street. He was probably in to his own innermost thoughts too much that he was easily convinced of whatever delusion he had, and it was making him crazy. Sung gyu felt like a crazy person himself, waiting for his lost love to return. His head hung low, shoulders hunched in defeat and his eyes only traced the path his feet took, the usual way he was so familiar with after having walked it for years. By the time he reached the house, however, Woohyun was standing there on the road, hands deep in his jacket pockets, hair messed up and a look of concern etched on his face as he paced to and fro on the road. The moment he saw Sung Gyu coming down towards him, Woohyun pulled his hands out and reached for the other in hurried footsteps.

“Hyung, what on earth is going on?” He demanded, his hands were firm on his shoulders, eyes bearing straight into his own.

Sung Gyu stayed quiet for a moment, just stalling and contemplating if he should tell the truth, the truth that he had just had a vision of his old girlfriend standing at the gate that he had followed her out into the night, only to return with a broken heart and the realization that he had indeed followed after a mere illusion, a trick of his mind. But then, it could have still been real, because the fairy-tale girl saw it too. Thus, with a sparkling flick of hope in his mind, Sung Gyu ended up telling him the truth.

“I just saw her. Yoora. She was here”

Woohyun’s eyes went wide in response and were searching in Sung Gyu’s as if they actually held the answers. “Yoora? She was here? Did you meet her?”

“No” Sung gyu sighed and looked up at the vast expanse of the starless sky above him. Not even the moon was visible, concealed behind the thick membrane of dark clouds. Sung gyu looked down at Woohyun, and managed to give him a small, sad smile. “She was gone already when I came out”

“But…” Woohyun started with a frown. “Hyung, it probably wasn’t her. We’ve looked for her everywhere, all over the city. She’s not here. She’s probably not even in the country”

“Are you telling me that I am lying to you?” Sung Gyu snapped in return. But Woohyun wasn’t taken aback by his sudden outburst. He reached for his friend’s shoulders and squeezed them gently as his gaze somehow reached his eyes. “Look…Hyung. I’m only telling you that you might have mistaken somebody else as her. There are loads of people here, and there are also the passersby peaking in then and there. It just must have been one of them”

Sung Gyu recalled what he saw. A small woman in a furry green jacket, slender legs clad in white jeans, black knee boots and raven straight hair peeking out of the hood. Then there were her eyes, her eyes which he would recognize anywhere, looking over at him through the dark. He let out a sigh and pressed his palms on his face in frustration. “It was her, Woohyun, I swear. I saw her. Standing right there-,” Sung Gyu pointed at the open gate. “Right there by the gate. I am certain it was her”

“Then where is she now?” Woohyun asked in a small voice. “You followed after her, didn’t you? Ten you would have found her. She’s a girl. She couldn’t have gone that far so soon”

“I don’t know” Sung Gyu groaned and keeled over, frustration, heartbreak and resentment, all at once a blazing fire in his mind. “I don’t know, Woohyun, I don’t know!”

Woohyun sighed and finally pulled his best friend into his arms. “Hyung…” he began in a small voice. “I know you had your heart broken bad. And you loved her. We all know-,”

“I still do” Sung gyu groaned into his hands, and Woohyun patted on his back in acknowledgement.

“Yes, you still do, and we all know that too. With all of that, she still decided to abandon you, entrust Sung Jae’s responsibility all to yourself. You know, she could have done better. She could have told you the truth instead of running away and hiding it, because had you known, you would have accepted anyway, and you would have loved her and taken care of her just the same. You love Sung Jae, you sacrificed everything for him, and we know that you would have done it all for her, had she stayed. But what did she decide to do instead? She left you. She broke your heart. She destroyed everything. She neglected her child. She ran away. Do you know what that means, Hyung?”

“What does it mean?” Sung Gyu croaked, and Woohyun pulled away from him so that he could look his friend right into his eyes. “That means, after all of that, she still has zero faith on you. She had absolutely no faith on you, Hyung. Even while she dated you, she had no faith on you to protect her and take her responsibility. She never believed in you, even when you did, sincerely. So that is never your loss. You didn’t lose her, because you didn’t have her in the first place. It her loss, completely. It was her who lost you, because she had you, all from the beginning. She still does, but still she’d decided to leave…”

Sung Gyu bit his lip and looked down at Woohyun, searching for the answers he soughed after.

“Then…” he murmured, his voice only a whisper in the quietness. “Then what do you suggest I do?”

“You, Hyung, you move on” Woohyun said and gave a gentle squeeze on his shoulder. “She gave up on you, and she doesn’t deserve you. You’re too good for her. What you do now is, you move on. You go on living…”

Before even he could stop himself, a little sob erupted from him. “Do you think I’d be able to do that, Woohyun?” He asked, and to this, Woohyun gave him one his most genuine and brilliant smiles.

“Of course, Hyung. You brought up a three-year-old little sailor on your own. Do you think there’s anything you can’t do?”

Sung Gyu laughed, and shoved lightly on his best-friend’s shoulder. It was always a blessing, having him around. For Sung Gyu, Woohyun was like a ray of sunshine brightening his darkened days. He always knew the right thing to say and the right thing to do. And if he ever was crumbling apart, which he often did now, Woohyun was always there for him to fall back on.

So together, they made it back to the front gate of his house. After he had had that conversation with him, Sung Gyu just felt as if a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. And it hurt less, having to accept the reality despite how difficult it was for him. The truth was that she had fled away from him, now to never return. Yoora was never coming back to him. But of what Woohyun said was right, then it was Yoora’s loss, that she couldn’t have him.

Nonetheless, this positive feeling, like all good things in his life, couldn’t last beyond ten seconds. When they creaked open the gate, finally walking into the garden, something odd and unfamiliar caught Sung Gyu’s sight. It was a little envelop, tugged despondently onto the railings of the gate. It was light blue and slightly dampened by the dew resting on the iron gate. His heart began to pound hard when he realized that it wasn’t there before when he left. He could swear, it just wasn’t. And someone who would tuck a small pale blue envelop on the gate railing wouldn’t be just anyone. He knew the only one person who would do such a thing.

“Y-Yoora…” Sung gyu stuttered, holding the envelop on his hands as if it was only a dream.

“No, Hyung” Woohyun protested, still not making an attempt to snatch the envelop away from him. It-it must have been the neighbors”

“Woohyun it is Yoora” Sung Gyu trembled as he spoke, but he didn’t wait any longer. He couldn’t, because he had to have his suspicions proved right, or otherwise.

But they were proved right. Oh, they were; and Sung gyu wasn’t certain if it was making him happy or deeply upset. The envelop was indeed addressed to him, in her crappy, messy handwriting. He would recognize that hand writing anywhere. He ripped open the envelop, expecting it to be a letter since it didn’t feel so heavy. But what he actually pulled out of it left them shocked, both of them. It shook him to the core. His heart trembled in a strange sensation he couldn’t pinpoint, and there was warmth rendering into his eyes. The cold wind blew past them, and the ripped paper of the envelop flew off his grasp, just like Yoora did from his life; but this time, he didn’t even make the effort to retrieve it. He was too shocked to even move.

In his hands, he held a photograph. A photograph of a tiny, newborn baby. The baby was wrapped in a blanket, which was pastel blue.

*

The party had to be wrapped up after that. Sung Gyu was no longer in the mood for anything related to the mingle of big crowds and little Sung Jae, for whom the party was organized the first place had now passed out on his favorite blue quilt in a full stomach, despite everyone gathered around in the house. It wasn’t like they had to throw anyone out of the house. But Sung Gyu didn’t know how the whole thing was managed. He spent rest of the night in his childhood bedroom, sitting on the bed, still clad in his suit but with the shoes off, head resting on his knees as he watched the party guests walking through the opened gate. He wasn’t sure what he should pursue next. He was stuck between the crossroads once more, just like he previously was when he was much younger. At that time, it was all about making the big decisions in life. College, career, marriage, moving out and finally accepting the difficulties of adulthood. At that time, a kind and carefree Yoora had floated into his life like she was always meant to, and so easily solved everything for him. With her by his side, all the big questions were provided answers, things finally fell into place. He then knew what he needed to do with his life, and soon he knew the woman he wanted to pursue and build a whole life with. And things haven’t seen easier, like it was all mapped out before him. What he never knew, at that time though was that this happy life was coming to an end too, like all the good things did. Not only that. He never knew that it also came with a price. As the twenty-six-year-old and much adulted Sung Gyu had ceased into the darkened crossroads of life once more, there wasn’t going to be a little birdy floating into it to put things into place again. For one, the little birdy was never going to return. For the other, the matter no longer lied in making all the grown up decisions in life. And finally, the little birdy was incidentally the cause of him falling into a labyrinth that she had once helped him walk out from. The things have backfired on him in the worst possible way, and what was even worse about it was that there was now no going back, no making things better. A broken heart could be put together once, but it will still have the cracked edges. It will still remain vulnerable. And when a broken heart is broken for a second time, well then it will be broken and gone for good.

And that’s exactly what he felt at that moment as he sat by the window, watching the street below like he had done for almost two years now. His heart had been broken once, but he still had blind faith on her, because he wasn’t used to not to. That’s how he had learned to love. When he loved, he gave all in. And he had never known that there actually existed people who were stingy and selfish even in giving love to another; so much so that they refused to give their trust, faith and reliance. The scariest bit of this was not knowing it. Not knowing if the one whom you loved was stingy and cruel, or if it was someone like himself, who would give all in.

He hadn’t felt so broken and lonely every in life. True, he had his parents who loved him without conditions, he had his family, and he had Woohyun, who’d willingly do anything for him. But nobody could ever fill that void a woman would leave behind them. Same was the case with little Sung Jae. Nobody can fill the void of a mother which would remain the same for a long part in his life. This thought alone terrified him. Sung Gyu himself was greedy for love; be it from parents, friend or a woman. What if Sung Jae grew up to be another one like himself? Wouldn’t he feel the significant loss of a mother in his life? And when that happened, however could he ever make it up to him? Because he could swear to god, he’d never be able to fall in love again. He’d never be able to pursue love. His heart had been shattered one too many times already, and he didn’t think it could take another blow. He couldn’t also think of giving his love to another woman who wasn’t her. It made him feel ashamed, to even imagine falling in love with another woman. Sung Gyu would stay loyal to Sung Jae’s mother all his life, if that’s all that it would take. He loved her. He still did. And he always will. And while the most significant trace of that love they shared still remained growing and blooming beside him, Sung Gyu could never make up his mind to love another.

Just as on cue then, he saw the familiar wavy hair with traces of glitter passing through he open gate, her lacy princess dress bouncing around her as she walked. He recalled her eyes, her smile, her laughter, and how the very sight of her made his heart sway. Now that he thought back, it made him feel sick to the gut. He felt deep shame within himself to have even imagined he could love another woman other than his child’s mother. He felt deeply ashamed of him to have thought that a beautiful, compelling stranger would become a distraction for him and steal his heart so that he could move on. She did nothing wrong. She only smiled and brightened the whole world for everybody. And she did not deserve to be seen that way, not by anybody. Sung Gyu felt sick in his stomach, twisting inside him and making him feel incredibly ashamed. Sung gyu couldn’t move on, because he was bound to her by the child they had had together, and the worse thing he could do now was getting an innocent, oblivious woman involved in his ill-fated life and making things miserable for her as well. He felt that that only made him indeed a terrible human being.

When the last of the people left and when Sung Gyu’s father went and locked the door, Sung Gyu gave up on watching the dark and empty street, rolled over into the bed and curled into a corner, propping his head on the bed and finally bringing the photograph before his eyes. He had looked at it myriad times already, and focused on the fine detail of his baby which he was never able to see. Sung Jae was a month old when he was abandoned; and although he looked similar to the child in the photograph, he still looked nothing like him. The baby in the photo was so…tiny, and red. His skin was so fragile, and it was also shedding, which terrified him. The limbs were so small, fingers so tiny and fragile that it scared him even to look at them. His face was contorted. There were lines of hair and creases on his skin on his chin and around his eyes. For a newborn baby, Sung Jae had had a lot of hair. But the soft crimson lips, the reddish tips of his fingers and the impossible tininess of his frame scared him. He wondered how Yoora must have felt holding that little bundle in her arms. If it was him, he’d have been terrified. The baby looked so fragile and small. It was surreal. It was hard to believe that it was actually him.

Seeing the photograph being sent to him, not accompanied with a letter or a note of any sort, Sung gyu could easily grasp what Yoora’s true intention was. And there was no lying to it, it was actually working. Every time Sung Gyu would catch the sight of the tiny, helpless newborn baby; he too felt miserably guilty, and terrified. It made him think of millions of things. How difficult it must have been to give birth to him, how it difficult it must have been to hold the baby in a hospital and reveal that it was a pre-marital pregnancy, without even a father taking the responsibility. How hard it must have been for her to just look at the little one without feeling terrified by the feeling of raising him on her own. With all these thought, that gnawing feeling of guilt grew in him. That had been exactly her purpose. She wanted him to feel guilty, and she wanted him to hate himself for doing that to her. Indeed, if she had come to him with the truth instead of running away and disappearing from the big picture, he would have taken care of them, showered them with love, and would have taken the responsibility of a father. In that sense, he had no reason to feel guilty at all. Yet, he still felt it, and strongly so. There was this acidic feeling in his guts which he just can’t seem to shake away.

What would have he done if it was him in her shoes.

The truth was, he couldn’t even imagine it. He couldn’t even imagine being a mother, while the very thought of fatherhood still shook him to the core.

With a long sigh, Sung Gyu put down the photograph and just stayed still, his eyes focused on the wall before them and listened to the sound of his breath in the quiet darkness. It felt good to be alone in this room for a while. But he’d been so for much too long, and he was growing sick of it. It was as if he had evaded human existence for a very long time.

He was relieved when he hears the creak of the door as it was being pushed open. He didn’t look up, bit he imagined it was his mother. But when the person stepped into the threshold, Sung Gyu easily sensed the presence of his best friend.

“Hyung?” Woohyun called softly.

“Hm?”

“You need to move over. Sailor Boo needs to sleep”

With a grunt, Sung Gyu pulled himself off the bed and rearranged it so the baby could sleep. Sung Jae had his own bed, like he had everything else, but growing up, he found the warmth of his father a comfort than lying in bed on his own. He started out with crying all night without batting an eyes, keeping everyone in the house awake and the only solution for this problem was to move him in with his father. Now he’d start screaming at the sight of his crib, and both Sung gyu and his mother decided that this was a better choice.

After Woohyun and had securely settled the baby in the bed, Sung gyu nestled right next to him, and just as naturally, Sung Jae rolled into his arms. Sung Gyu smiled at this, feeling the soft warmth emanating from him and hugged him closer before leaving a kiss on his hair. Woohyun sat on the bed by his feet and remained quiet for a moment, resting his hand on Sung Gyu’s calves, deep in his own thoughts. After a while, he reached out and took the photograph still lying on the bed.

“You wouldn’t want to see this” he said.

“You’re right” Sung Gyu replied in a soft voice. Woohyun nodded, walked over to the closet and stuck the photograph under a pile of clothes before returning to the bed. They hadn’t talked about the photograph at all, because it was too much of a shock for both of them. Woohyun had only lured Sung Gyu out of his negative thoughts, he was only willing him into finally moving on. But seeing it stuffed on the gate railing had simply been like dragging Sung gyu back into the pit by grabbing him by the ankle. Sung Gyu had fallen deep, and he was afraid if he could ever crawl up again. The photograph was like a scar for him, even if it was his own baby. It was definitely something he didn’t want to talk about with anyone. With his mother, he would. But the material was too sensitive to discuss with his best friend.

Woohyun began to pat softly on his calves again, and Sung gyu looked up with a frown. Woohyun had his eyes focused on his feet, scarcely looking down on the floor. Sung Gyu could see guilt etched all over his fine features, like he had done a great mistake himself.

Sung Gyu slowly got up into a sitting position, and sat rather close to the other.

“Woohyun…” He started, and the other finally looked up.

“Hyung, I’m sorry”

“Whatever for?” Sung Gyu asked.

Woohyun remained quiet for a moment, and finally drew in a long breath. “Are you…are you going to be okay?”

Sung Gyu pursed his lips and looked away, past the window, beyond the gate, to the empty street ahead.

“I’m not okay now” He said and let out a sigh. “But I will be…one day, I have to be”

“hm” Woohyun nodded, and went quiet again. But he seemed like he was pondering something deeply.

“What is it?” Sung Gyu asked, and Woohyun turned around to meet his gaze. “Hyung, take up to dating again”

This, this Sung Gyu knew, had been quietly coming on his way for a long, long time. It was an inevitable question, but also, it was a question that he hates to be asked.

Sung Gyu drew in a deep breath in response, and dragged both his hands down his face.

“Woohyun…no, you know that I can’t do that”

“This would be all over then” Woohyun reasoned out, as if it was any consolation for him. “You will find love again; you will be happy. Then you’d get married, have more babies-,”

“No Woohyun please” Sung Gyu groaned and cradled his head in both his arms. “I would do anything…but that is beyond my capabilities”

“How is it so?” Woohyun argued. “You’re still young, and attractive. There was nothing…incapable to speak of…and don’t want to see you mopping around like this, you know. This is enough. She’s gone, and all she’s doing now is provoking you and making your life miserable. If you keep up doing this, giving into her so easily, I swear you will go insane!”

“Well, I am already insane, okay?” Sung gyu snapped in return. “There isn’t more damage she could possibly do now…”

“And you’d still love her?”

Sung gyu nodded. “I’d still love her.”

“Then what are you going to do, Hyung?”

Sung gyu looked up, gave it deep thought as if he had many options left to ponder on. In the end he let out a sigh and looked out at the street once more.

“For now” he started in response. “For now, I think I’d install roller gates”

*

So many years had passed since that day, and so many things have changed. Although Sung gyu had opted to install roller gates, he didn’t stay over at his parents beyond another two years. When Sung Jae turned five, Sung Gyu asked for his parent’s permission to invest the money his parents had given him to by himself his own home. He had bought the condominium then, in an apartment plaza not too far from his home. He had brought up Sung Jae on his own afterwards, with little help from the people around them. Yet as times progressed and as the days stretched, Yoora’s appearance was lesser and lesser until her existence vanished completely from his life. This helped Sung Gyu to grow mentally stronger. He finally moved on from her, accepting that she would never return and that she had, indeed done great damage to both him and Sung Jae that could never be mended. Slowly, he began to develop an indescribable hatred towards her. Yoora stopped being the woman he loved in his eyes. She became the woman who abandoned his baby, the woman who turned her back to her responsibilities and chose her own life and desires over what should have mattered to her the most. This made him easier to push her away from his life, and soon she was no longer a part of him. He took up dating again. Saw a few women, fell in love, fell out of love, made love and moved along with the normality with life. Although raising Sung Jae was a suffering in the beginning, he easily accepted as what he was destined to be. His fate was to be the father of this wonderful boy whom he loved immensely, and as he grew, he only became closer and closer to his father until their attachment became something unbreakable. Then he didn’t reliance from women no longer, and Woohyun also slowly drifted away from him, leaving him and the little boy into their own little bubble. Life was good. So good.

Until she decided to walk in again.

Now that she had, more than just once, sung gyu was having mixed feelings about it, as if the past was taking a toll on him all over again; the past he was finally able to abandon behind him. The hatred was still there, the resentment, the urge to push her away and away from his sight until she no longer was a presence in his quiet life. But there was also that familiar but painful feeling gnawing at him, so viciously and wildly, making him question lots of things. Among them was the reason why he did everything to keep the boy out of her sight. Every time he would see her face, something twisted in his guts. Every time he heard her voice, a dreading sensation haunted his mind. It was terrifying him, in a way that he couldn’t begin to explain; and the only way he could keep these indescribable feelings at bay was the reassurance that this woman had not seen the only string that’s left of them for so, so many years. It was consoled him, the fact that this woman didn’t exist in Sung Jae’s life. Was it still resentment then? Was it still the hatred that he felt towards her for abandoning them, abandoning him?

After so many years, he was standing in his bathroom, staring at his bare reflection as his fingers ran along the three black pearls aligned on the platinum chain around his neck It had been almost two weeks since he had found it in his closet, after having been thrown away like all his past memories were. But now as it had returned to rest around his neck, also with his great reluctance to take it off him, Sung Gyu was stuck in a terrifying dilemma. He was unsure of what was happening to him, and he knew that the only solace which kept him from breaking was the fact that Yoora still hadn’t seen their son, or at least their son had no slightest idea that it was her, his mother. It was as if this little secret had them separated by a thick, untouchable wall. And this wall, Sung Gyu was determined to keep, and if possible, have it grow even further so that they wouldn’t even be able to see each other themselves. He wanted to keep that distance, if it was the last of what he could do. The reality was suddenly terrifying him. It was making him understand the things he had ignored for so many years. Times have passed and days have changed. Nothing in their lives was the same anymore. Even still, the gap needed to remain. To Sung Jae, his mother needed to remain non-existent. It was cruel, in a way. But it was only the right thing to do. Just because Sung Gyu could swear his heart wouldn't be able to take it if it would have to face another fateful disappointment.

The conquests of his life were indeed cruel. So was the reality that he’d given everything to evade.

Sung Gyu stared up at the lone sight of his reflection, and it seemed to prove it to him even more so, in a cruel, despairing blow;

Kim Sung gyu had never really stopped loving her.

Oops!

Hello beautiful people. I wrote this in a rush before the idea left my mind, so its not proofread so it probably had lots of ugly mistakes. Apologies. Also this point onwards, the chapters will be connected, unlike most others. This is where the real drama begins.

And I also want to thank all you beautiful people for the encouraging words you have left. I might not have personally responded to them (Which I don't, as a principle, because if I missed out on responding to one by mistake, that person would be sad, and I didn't want to do that) Yet, just know that everyone of you are precious to me, and I love you.

The next chapter will be a continuation, like I said, linked to this one. But it won't be coming up so soon because I have my finals in only four days! I'd be updating non-stop once I get them over with.

Until next time.

Loads of love.
Achini.

Ps; I get strange thoughts sometimes. I suddenly realised Sung Gyu also has an emain address. What do you think it is? [email protected]? I also was very distubed today by the fact that he gets so many notifications on his phone. We're giving him a hard time. Poor Boo.