Happy 8th anniversary everyone! Apologies for taking too long :/ Also, Author's note. The long awaited part two of the chapter before last.

Eunji stared out the shutter as the rest of the world passed by. They were moving so fast that the streetlights lining the either sides of the road seem to form one unified spectrum of light. The snow had melted underneath them, and late-night street wanderers moved along and disappeared into the dark like looming shadows. Inside the car, the silence was deafening, and her thoughts were louder than she wanted them to. They were crying one single phrase on an on like a broken record; ‘What now? What now?’ The only comfort she had at that moment was Sung Gyu’s presence on her side and his hand curled around hers, both resting on the gearshift like an unspoken promise.

Howon’s mother becoming ill changed so many things. She couldn’t possibly tell him the truth now. He was already devastated, and horrified. She could hear it in the tremble of his voice. And as strong as he appeared to be, Eunji knew just how fragile he was underneath. He had lost too many people he loved in a short span of time and that somehow left a scar upon him and an indomitable fear of losing people hence tolerating his mother’s attachment to him. Given the situation now, it’s most likely that he’d search for comfort in her, and she hadn’t the heart to hurt him and walk away. He’d been there with her in her most difficult days, and what’s even worse was that he never said wrong about Sung gyu as if he, himself understood him. Sung Gyu himself hadn’t said a single word against Howon. He cherished him too much himself. And their unspoken friendship somehow had her lost between them with the quest of not hurting either of them in the end. She was this close to falling into insanity.

At some point in that ride, Sung Gyu told her not to tell him anything. Not about Sung Gyu, not about them. He said that they’d have to face it up for the moment and somehow work out what they could possibly do at a later time. It wasn’t the right occasion and Sung Gyu made it a point to tell her that she should be by his side at that moment no matter what, because he needed it; that warmth, that comfort and someone to rely on when he felt like he was about to fall apart.

It suddenly became less suffocating when they finally arrived at the hospital. It was way past midnight by then, yet the hospital was as busy as ever. Sung Gyu stopped by the entrance, and Eunji gathered her courage to face whatever awaited her inside. It could even be her fate, or that big decision already waiting for her. Or maybe even the realization that she’d somehow been unfaithful to him the entire time. The very thought made her heart stricken with guilt.

“You’re going to be okay” Sung Gyu whispered to her tiredly, more of a statement, a reassurance than a question. He squeezed her hand warmly, and she didn’t even realize that he’d been holding it in his throughout the entire drive. That warmth, somehow pacified her incessantly beating heart. It poured life into her; the glint in his eyes, the promise of his smile did, and she could finally face up to what awaited her without the risk of a shattering heart.

She couldn’t tell him anything except for the not-so-much-of-a-promise to call him soon. She doubted if she’d ever get around to do it soon. But she made a mental note to do it. For someone who understood her position, someone who still chose to be by her side despite all her mistakes. He at least deserved a word of gratitude and love to last forever. She climbed out of the car, and the cold air which greeted her felt as if she’d been suddenly stripped off of the blanket of warmth and affection he had cocooned her in for so long. He waited until she had passed across the driveway, up the steps and into the heavily lit hospital entrance. Watching his car driving off out into the disappearing night was almost too heartbreaking to watch. Once he’d become only so much as a tiny dot in so many of them which made the late-night streets, Eunji finally turned back and made up her mind to face her fate.

She hated that stench of hospitals, the somberness on the faces of their staff and the general sense of uncertainty they held. And that night as she ascended up the elevator, she felt alone in a manner she had never before. With her in the elevator was an old woman in a wheelchair, her greyish skin hanging on the frame of what could have been her face, distorted by old age, and her son or caretake, she couldn’t tell, was beside her, his face equally greyed and firmly staring ahead. Immediately she imagined Howon’s mother in a wheelchair, her usually hardened scrutinizing features for once contorted into one of pain and misery. Eunji realized at that moment that she never really hated her. Eunji didn’t know what it was like to actually hate someone completely until she met Yoora, and what she had towards Howon’s mother definitely wasn’t it. She was horrified of her and of what her mere existence was capable of doing to her. And that realization was made even stronger when she finally entered that empty corridor, where the sound of voice and footsteps sounded louder than they should, and it hit her with a pang that her labyrinth was just made ten times worse. She possibly had no escape. For her sake, for Howon’s sake, she would have to endure.

Eunji saw him, Howon; his lonely figure sitting in the dark in a line of plastic chairs of which only his was occupied. She noted how he had lost his weight drastically over the past couple of weeks. His eyes were swollen, and his hair stuck in every direction. It was her who had to remind him to shave in the morning which he’d comply to with a tired, apologetic smile. Somehow, she’s going through Sung Gyu’s mid-life crisis all over again, but it wasn’t Sung Gyu and the circumstances were much, much different.

She quietly went and slid into the chair beside him. He was still in his suit, his tie crooked and shirt untucked messily from a side. She wanted to reach over and take his hand, but somehow, she couldn’t. It was the same hand that Sung Gyu had held the entire drive, and she was afraid if she’d let him touch it he’d feel the warmth that Sung Gyu had emanated, that presence and realize what she had been doing all along. Instead, she let her hand rest on his arm and squeezed it softly, in hopes that the simple act would make him feel any better.

“She’s…stable” He finally told her and let out a great sigh. “They got to her in time. She’d gotten it while in the grocery store, thankfully, so someone had her sent here immediately” He turned to face her and gave her a briefest tired smile. “She’s good to go home soon”

Eunji couldn’t believe that she’d held her breath for so long. She let it out in a heavy sigh herself, and a great sense of relief seeped into her heart; for what reason, she couldn’t really tell. “That…that’s a relief”

“Y-yeah…” he stuttered and ran a heavy hand through his hair. “God I was so worried, I thought…” Eunji could imagine what it must have felt like. It had been the same for her when she’d watched her father being taken into the theatre for one last time, only except that the ambiguity and the fear she felt at that moment never left her, just like her father never did leave the room the same manner he’d gone in.

“She’s…strong” She told him, the words sounded foreign upon her lips. Eunji realized that she never really said anything remotely complimentary about his mother her entire life, and this was the closest she’d been.

“She’ll be okay, she will” Howon muttered, mostly to himself, turned away and stared ahead, plunged right back into his thoughts.

The truth was that she understood him. She truly, honestly did. But underneath all these emotions she carried for him, something loomed inevitable and strong. And that was that the decision he’d been going for, it would simply become unavoidable at this point. She felt the very thought weighing her down. She suddenly felt too tired, exhausted by the events of the day.

And it was as if he’d been reading her mind. He didn’t even lift his head, his gaze set firmly on his clenched hands as if his words were contradictory to his thoughts. “Eunji, I think…it’s time we consider our…options” he told her, and although he didn’t exactly word it out in that manner, she knew what he meant. There weren’t any options. She was in a situation where, although it appeared that she had a choice, simply because Howon wasn’t someone who forced anything on her, she clearly didn’t have a choice; if she wanted to end up not hurting him and making up to the wrong she did. But only, she wouldn’t be happy.

She remained quiet, hoping that he would continue. But he never asked that. She realized that the hospital with its somber atmosphere and heavy stench of plastic and surgical spirit wafting around, didn’t exactly set a good setting for a marriage proposal.

“Woohyun’s wedding is in a couple of days, isn’t it?” He asked him, and Eunji found herself slowly nodding her head. She didn’t realize that it was so close. And only then did it also occur to her how much she dreaded that moment, having to pretend that it didn’t matter, being around another man and under the eyes of the man she loved.

“Have you bought an outfit for it, yet?” He asked her, and a shadow of an amused smile appeared on his lips. “Bugger’s been going on and on about it, his wedding the past few days at work” he said with a soft chuckle. Eunji could imagine Woohyun and his haughty showing off his engagement ring to the entire vicinity and now bragging about him becoming a father; typical of Nam Woohyun. The thought of him made her smile as well, which immediately fell at the thought of having to wear a nice outfit, and it yet again occurred to her that it will be the first time of her dressing anything close to what she could only call as ‘pretty’ in front him and not be able to hear him whisper into her ears that she was beautiful. The dread returned to her guts.

She didn’t realize, but she must have made an expression of dismay or something similar to the sorts that she found Howon looking down at her, his eyes heavy with concern. “You alright?”

Eunji pursed her lips and nodded her head. The events of the day had indeed worn her out, but there was still a part of her which still remained wildly awake. She could still feel him in every inch of her skin, on the curve of her neck, around her waist, on the small of her back and then her lips. It was as if he’d left a ghostly, enchanting presence upon her, and her tired, exhausted mind started to think about him and how his warmth felt upon her, how his lips tasted like. She wanted it all over again. She wished she was alright, but she wasn’t.

And Howon was waiting with his utmost concern, and that made her stomach churn.

“I’m…just tired, probably” She admitted, her voice heavy with weariness, and she saw him watching her with concern.

“Do you want to go home?” He asked her.

She looked up at him, saw the creases under his eyes and then the stubble on his chin which had clearly grown over his frustration. And then she shook her head. “No. I’ll stay”

A moment of quietness passed, and she felt relieved, almost that he didn’t retaliate with something heart breaking. But then again, it was as if he was reading her mind once more. All of a sudden, one of his arms slithered behind her and pulled her closer to him against his shoulder. Eunji wordlessly gave in, and shut her eyes close, trembling slightly by guilt and suppressed frustration when he kissed her softly on the crown of her head. “Thank you” He told her but being a comfort to someone had never felt more suffocating in her life.

“…Tell him the truth? To Howon?” Woohyun exclaimed, an imperceptible emotion was inflicted in his eyes and it appeared as if she’d just told him she’d go bald and go into eternal exile. “But what good would it do? It’s same as going and admitting that you cheated on him!”

Eunji stared at his brother-in-law in frustration, and then with a groan, she buried her face in the pillow she was hugging.

They were somewhere in the urban part of Gangnam surrounded by a number of wedding boutiques and photo studios. They were in one of them and Woohyun was in a sleek black tuxedo, his hair swiped up and looking dashing as ever. For a long time Eunji refused to believe that this man was about to become a father. And the truth is, well, she still did. Because right now he didn’t look like one but so much as one of those rich chaebols who spent half their earnings on gambling. Regardless, it was Woohyun who had good advice comparing to the rest of her family, and it was also only him whom she could have an actual conversation with. When she had called him up that morning to see if he could spare her a moment to talk from his busy pre-wedding day schedule, Woohyun had most welcomingly invited her to accompany him and Bomi during the photoshoot. Eunji wasn’t a big fan of weddings and all the glamour to do with dressing and photo taking made her dizzy. She sure as hell hoped that Sung Gyu wasn’t a big fan of glamorous weddings either. If they ever got to the point of getting married that is.

Though it isn’t exactly what she was there to talk about.

“Eunji” Woohyun called and turned away from the mirror that he’d been staring at for the past fifteen minutes. “Listen, I know you are in a heap of troubles, but like hyung said, take one step at a time. Hyung is an idiot but he probably knows what he is doing”

Eunji pouted at Sung Gyu being called an idiot and stared down at her feet. “But it feels like I’m being choked out of my breath or something. Imagine what it will be like on your wedding day”

Woohyun approached her in two strides and sat on the sofa beside her. “Eunji, on the wedding day, you’re going to it up for a moment, and after the wedding, you can tell Howon that you can’t see him anymore because of how you feel. You know, what with his mother and also how you feel about him now. Just tell him the truth” Something must have flashed across her face that he immediately held out his palms. “Not the whole truth, you’re going to ruin it between him and Hyung if he learns that you two were cheating on him”

“Ugh don’t put it like that, Woohyun!” Eunji groaned and hugged the pillow even tighter. Every time Woohyun said that they were cheating, a dagger is passed through her heart. Now she could vaguely feel about dozens of daggers appall her chest.

“There is no other way to put it” Woohyun shrugged, and then gave her a thin eyed look which he usually pulled off when something appeared suspicious. “Wait, you two haven’t had yet, have you?”

Eunji felt blood descend to her face, and she took it a moment to throw the pillow in her hands at his face. “Not your ing business” She muttered, stood up and walked away, ignoring Woohyun’s muffled groans and complaints about his ruined hair.

The next few hours as Woohyun and Bomi posed for the photos in some sort of a winter wonderland glory, Eunji sat in the sofa watching the pair of them yet her mind far away. The truth was, well, even though Woohyun was right, there were way too many things to think about. For one, Howon’s mother was ill and she couldn’t possibly go and tell him that she couldn’t marry him because she couldn’t tolerate his sick mother. It’s something that that she should have done way earlier and before she fell ill. Neither could she go on and tell anything about Sung Gyu either. She’d been seeing him behind his back, even if it was only for about a week, but still it was bad enough and would say much about her fidelity as a woman. On the other hand, well, just like Sung Gyu had told her, she wanted to be happy. Regardless of what the world had to say, regardless of what they might appear as for the rest of them, she wanted to be happy with the man she truly loved. But as much as she wanted to have this desire coming true, there were way too many things standing between them, making it almost impossible.

She couldn’t help but blame it all on her sister who initially ruined everything for them.

Eunji couldn’t remember the last time she even talked to her. Though she hadn’t been home in weeks, she had occasionally contacted her over the phone for brief and unenthusiastic conversations. The occasions when she had been home, that was only to check out on how her two dogs were doing and also to see her niece, nothing more. She hoped it served her right for interfering in her personal life, that she got a good taste of her own social injustice. But on the other hand, she knew that her childish conflicts had to end. Eunmi was her sister for god’s sake, and it was her who took care of her when her mother turned a complete blind eye on her. She raised her after her father passed away, gave her shelter, paid her meals and gave her education, all single handedly while she tried to build her life on her own. She went through so much for her that it made sense why she was so overprotective of her. Regardless of her beliefs, Eunji needed her sister back, and by the end of the photoshoot, she was almost determined to set things right between the two of them.

Eunji helped Bomi change her outfit every once so often for the photoshoot, and by the end of the day, she seemed so tired and claimed that she’s woozy and was about to puke. At this point, as always, Woohyun started to panic and kept asking her if she wanted to see a doctor. It was frustrating that men couldn’t understand a thing about pregnancy, that most of the symptoms were only with regards to the early days. Nonetheless, by the time they settled down, it was late in the afternoon, and Eunji finally had the opportunity to sit him down somewhere and ask him if she should just visit her sister.

“This is why you and Hyung are a pair” Woohyun sighed, glaring at her as if she physically offended him.

“Huh?” Eunji made a face. He’s been mentioning this or something along the line ever since he learned about the two of them and it left her confused at every occasion because he’d say that in completely unrelated moments.

“Look” He started and leaned forward in his seat, perhaps in hopes that being in a close proximity would knock some sense into her mind. “Eunmi must have done a few wrong things, but why do you punish her like this? Do you think she’s okay when you act total towards her? Talk to her, woman. Maybe she knew a lot more than you think she does. You need to settle all your petty quarrels before you do anything else”

Woohyun didn’t even have the decency to drop her off at the subway station when he left, and she only let him go because Bomi looked like she needed a good sleep and the back seats of the munchkin were filled with all sorts of goods. She took the train all the way to Ansan, and then the usual five hundred meters walk along the lane, passing the familiar elite homes which hid more mysteries than she had ever counted them for. Upon arriving at the front gate, however, she was beginning to get cold sweats. Eunji realized that she just wasn’t ready for this, to meet her, apologize and do all of that reconciliation hugs and tears business. Her pride was beginning to win over her. But then she thought of what Woohyun said. Yes, Jung Eunji was a responsible adult with a good understanding in relationships and general life related matters. And yes, she wasn’t a coward who hadn’t the guts to go and straighten out a wrong she had done. She stared at the gate for a long time, waiting for the gate to open itself so she didn’t have to put in the effort to make her presence known. But then a familiar sound of a car pulling in came from behind her, a door opened and footsteps on the gravel followed. Eunji buried her hands in her pockets and turned around. Eunmi was there, clad in about dozens of scarves ad layers of cloth, regarding her carefully.

“Hey, here to see the dogs?” She asked her, and that felt like a slap on her face. But she kept her emotions unwavering and gave her a smile. “No, I’m here to see you”

The way Eunmi’s eyes widened seemed to say volumes; she hadn’t ever expected that they’d somehow sort things out. Eunji supposed she knew her more than anyone else did.

“Wow that’s a first” Said Eunmi, and when Eunji threw her a glare, she made a noncommittal laughter. “Oh! come on, Ji. Let’s go in, it’s cold out here”

Thankfully, the two of them went through the whole making up phase way sooner than intended; it wasn’t as if they haven’t had fall outs before though this particular one lasted the longest. Regardless, there wasn’t any hugging or crying or any of the emotional smothering to deal with; if anything, they pretty much returned to their old being, with Eunmi ing her toddler into Eunji’s arms and going about with her day, making her listen to all her complaints and leaving her no space to talk herself. Which was fine, in a way. At least she hadn’t anymore family members or friends that she’s in a conflict with, and that made it one less trouble to deal with.

Once Eunmi was done feeding her daughter and put her to sleep, it was already evening. Boohyun was staying out late, apparently since he was meeting up with some old friends and so it would be only Eunmi and her for a while. She had already told Howon that she was going to get late to return home. She didn’t want to stay long in their empty flat anyway. It was awkward in the beginning, making conversations, but they easily fell into line, talking about day to day things and mostly about Woohyun and her two dogs. What surprised her was that she never really touched the topic about Sung Gyu, what she did to their relationship or if she ever even cared. For a moment, she felt like upping and leaving because she simply didn’t want to act like nothing happened. But when the topic about Howon came up, she realized that indeed Sung Gyu was in the past for Eunmi, and in her mind Eunji had moved on, and it was Howon now, for her. It was then that she realized that there was no way she could bring Sung Gyu up now. Not now, not later, not until they’ve figured out what to do themselves. Eunmi wasn’t easy, especially when it came down to going against her opinions, and especially given that her and Sung Gyu’s position was messier than it appeared, she thought, him being a secret for now was for the best.

They did, however, talk about Howon. And she couldn’t help but bring up all the abuse that she was facing because of his mother, and at some point, their own mother came up, and the entire house fell into silence.

“You…really suffer because of mums, don’t you?” Eunmi said into the silence after a few seconds had passed. Eunji couldn’t help but smile bitterly at that because she was indeed right, sadly. For the most part, she had had bad experiences with them, only except for Sung Gyu’s mother, and so she concluded that it wasn’t because anything is wrong with her but simply because timing was bad, and she got tangled with those who had complexities.

“She is a retired school teacher, I didn’t think she would be that bad…or bad at all” Went on her sister, her voice so quiet that it almost sounded as if she was talking to herself.

“Did Woohyun tell you everything?” Eunji asked. She was pretty sure even if he did, he probably never mentioned Sung Gyu. He was loyal as that. And she was right, because he had only talked about Howon and his mother since it was a bigger concern. They fell into a prolonged moment of silence after then, and Eunji took it a moment to look about herself, taking in the familiar surrounding into her mind. It was odd how a place you’ve lived in for so long would feel even slightly foreign to you, but it did. Eunmi had done the wall papers again but that was only because their daughter who had only started walking was now going from wall to wall with crayons in her hands and doodled instead of doing it on paper. They found them larger and more convenient canvases apparently, so they’ve put up those washable ones where the chalk would come off. The house was a lot messier than usual, simply because Eunji wasn’t around. There were piles and piles of washed laundry haphazardly kept on chairs, and old food wrappers, empty cans and cups littered the coffee table. There was a play pen for the baby, but its gate was open, and all her toys were thrown everywhere. Eunji wasn’t sure if it was the baby’s doing or somebody else’s. It might only be her but everything about the house and merely her expressions screamed that Eunmi’s life was out of orders without her.

“You know” Eunmi said after a long moment of contemplation. “Though you have bad experiences with our mum or Howon’s, you still make a good mother yourself. And that’s…I don’t know, quite special, don’t you think?”

Eunji raised her brows at her sister, and she appeared flustered, rolling her eyes. “Like, they say when a child is, you know, neglected by their mother or something the child would turn out to be the same…but you aren’t. You’re great with kids”

Eunji stared down at her hands clasped before her, and she smiled. “Well, dad loved us. It’s because we weren’t entirely neglected”

A brief silence and “I guess you’re right”

“And I kind of understand her too” Eunji said, leaning back in her seat. “What she has is a bad case of attachment complexity. She probably thinks I would steal Howon and shove her out of his life, which I wouldn’t…” She gave it a second to think before she continued. “And that somehow is making it impossible to keep loving Howon. Because I obviously thought it was going to be only him, but right now it’s kind of like a packaged deal”

“Packaged deal!” Eunmi reiterated with a snort. And she nodded in response. “Well…I understand you too…I would have been the same, Eunji. It’s not your fault”

And that’s what Sung Gyu had told her too. They’ve talked about it the previous night over the phone, and he’d told her continuously that she mustn’t feel that she was responsible of what she was going through, because certain things in people’s lives were simply beyond their control. He told her that he had feelings for her for as long as he remembered, and at that point she admitted that it was the same in her part. And that’s when she understood it that the only reason why they couldn’t get together in the beginning was because the entire world wasn’t working in their favor, as if it was conspiring against them, aligning all unsavory events in the engorging gap between them and setting them apart. It wasn’t their fault. It just so happened. Perhaps, had they made different choices, things would have been slightly different. But it’s natural that everyone made their own choices while being extremely considerate of others. There was simply no occasion where one was entitled to make a completely independent decision. Whatever they might think or do would always end up affecting someone simply because they weren’t entirely individualistic beings. And therefore, that’s just how things turned out to be, and all they had to do is believe that the future had better things in store for them.

“If anything,” Eunmi was saying, her words interrupting her train of thoughts. “Eunji, you’re my sister, and I don’t want you to be stuck in a place you don’t want to be. If you feel trapped in that life with him, you have all the liberty to walk away. This is your life”

“I simply can’t do that without hurting him” She shrugged in response, the weight of her life dragging her down even further. “Besides he’s in a bad position right now. This isn’t the time to”

“Didn’t his mother come out of hospital yet?”

Eunji shook her head. She was kept for another two days and will only be coming out on Saturday, and its even worse that she was going to be at home that entire morning. “But she will be out by the time of the wedding”

“Ah, the wedding” Eunmi inhaled deeply, and Eunji too felt the gravity of the matter. It’s probably an old people thing, or parents’ thing, they couldn’t really tell but at every occasion when they attend a wedding with an unmarried child or a family member, they simply start making a fuss out of their marital status. And in this case, it’s even worse because she’d been secretly pushing Howon into making that decision the entire time, he’d only resisted because Eunji didn’t want it. On the day of the wedding, however, things were most possibly going to turn out for the worst.

“I don’t think I really have the liberty to walk away like that. I got myself into this. I made him like me. And it’s just…wrong” Eunji muttered, mostly as a reminder to herself.

“No, Ji. I put you into it. You merely went on a date that I fixed for you” Eunmi told her, interrupting her thoughts. And it was the first time she even admitted to it, that Eunji found herself staring at her sister for a little too long, until her face reddened with shame and regret and she looked away. “Listen, Eunji…I…I was truly worried about you. You made bad decisions left and right-,” Eunji didn’t think she could tolerate if she called Sung Gyu a bad decision once more, but for that moment, for their sake, she remained quiet. “I understand that pushing you into dates after dates was wrong and I’m sorry”

In a way, she was glad that she could put her uptight sister in a position to ever apologize. She never really saw it as a mistake, an irrelevant intervention to her younger sister’s life when she had first started her scheme. ‘You make bad decisions’ she’d tell her repeatedly, referring to just about anything she would do, although most she did for the comfort of her own being and not to satisfy anybody else in her life. It wasn’t what Eunmi wanted, obviously. And it’s been long since she had realized that family didn’t always want you to be happy. Sometimes they wanted you to merely live up to their expectations. Eunmi was always someone who found it wrong if anything veered off the course that they should originally be on, and that original course had to always be accepted in the world that she lived in. It was difficult. Having a mother who never batted an eye on her and a sister who always wanted her to live the life that she wanted. But for once in her life, she was apologizing. Although it had to be done long after her life was ruined for the most part, Eunji still accepted it. Because she still had the room to fix things.

“You did nothing wrong” Eunji told her, just because she didn’t want her to live with that guilt. “You didn’t see it coming. We both didn’t. And I only dated Howon. It was his mother who slithered her way in”

“But still…” Eunmi sighed, lowered her head and remained quiet for a long moment. The evening sun seeped in through the parting of the curtain, landing on her hair which appeared so brown, and somehow, she looked ten times her age at that moment. She finally reached over and squeezed Eunji’s hand. “Be with whoever who makes you happy” She told her in the end.

Eunji couldn’t believe her ears first. She initially thought that it was only a generic statement, and hell it probably was because Eunmi would rather chew her hand off than let Eunji be with someone that her society didn’t accept. But for that moment she wanted to believe her, believe the sense of her statement and live with it, simply because that’s exactly what she wanted right now.

“Unnie…” her words escaped her lips before she could even stop herself, and something flashed across her sister’s eyes. Surprise? Relief? She couldn’t really tell. But the smile which appeared on her lips afterwards lifted half the weight on her shoulders. “I mean it”

Eunji was stunned speechless that she did nothing to respond, perhaps not even a blink. Eunmi generally found such moments extremely awkward, and at that time it was no different. She cleared as she immediately retrieved her hand, and mostly to herself she muttered “Well, that being said…” yet spoke nothing any further. Instead, she stood up, tightened her hair into a messy ponytail and started to gather all the wrappers and containers haphazardly littering the coffee table. Eunji watched her for a moment, her firm features, her troubled demeanor and how her age showed in the creases around her eyes and the green veins appearing on her pale hands. For so long she had thought Eunmi would turn out to be like her mother. Their mother was an ordinary small-town mum in the beginning, but her life as a store owner working from day to night wore her out so much that she gradually withdrew herself from life. She slowly became distant as they grew older, the two of them grew apart from her as wonders of a vaster world took them over. By the time their father passed, their mother was far too gone to take up the parenthood for the both of them. She became an empty shell, simply. She neglected them, she stopped looking out for them and found her only comfort among all the house pets she had. She simply stopped being a mother.

But what she saw in Eunmi was far different. If anything, she was embracing the motherhood a lot more than she had imagined. Eunmi was indeed their mother’s favorite. She was at least treated like a daughter for some time when Eunji hadn’t even the chance to. But that didn’t mean Eunmi wasn’t hurt by her eccentric ways. In that sense, she too went through the neglected child phase. But she turned out perfectly well herself. Despite a few oddities which she could definitely fix over time, Eunmi was…good. And Eunji loved her. Because she was all she had left of her small family.

“Unnie” Eunji called after a while, and she stopped fussing around the house only for a brief second and stood up with an armful of toys, some of which clattered back onto the floor.

“Yeah?” She breathed out. Eunji stood up, went over to the play pen and began to gather the toys herself. While she did, she asked her sister (Since its better to ask her things without meeting her eyes) “Unnie, do you want to go shopping with me sometime? I haven’t bought an outfit for the wedding yet”

There was a moment of quietness as she came through the gate of the play pen, and she dumped the toys into a plastic crate. Then she straightened up and gave Eunji a smile. “Of course. Because you, Eunji, are going to that wedding, all dressed to impress and move the on with your life”

Woohyun’s wedding came a lot sooner than she imagined. One evening she’s out with her sister, picking and trying on outfits one after the other and the next evening she’s laying out the suit she’d picked out on the sofa; a white fitted dress and a matching white coat, a small pin of a rose on the lapel, realizing that it was indeed on the morning next day. She couldn’t believe how time had gone by so fast. It was already evening in that Saturday, and the flat was uncharacteristically quiet even after Howon’s mother had moved in. They had only one bed in the whole house that she had to move half her stuff into the living room, pick up a heap of quilts and bed spreads and prepare a make shift bed in the narrow space that the leaving room had left even after a couple of furniture had been moved to a corner. It was strange, having her quiet, not hearing her complaining about something Eunji had done or serving with her ceaseless scrutinizing glares. She was asleep, and she had been so for the most part of the day. Howon had been hovering around going in and out of the room, a sad, quiet silhouette who was probably feeling lost and confused a lot more than he let on. She’d tried to comfort him in the best way, telling him that his mother was going to be alright, and she even went to the extend of making an ill promise of taking care of her. But nothing seemed to ease his worries. It almost appeared as if it wasn’t his mother’s health which worried him the most. Eunji was almost too afraid to ask, because at some point she came to understand that the way he looked at her was different; some sort of erse desperation was inflicted in her gaze, as if it was her who held all the answers.

The rest of the day she distracted herself by aimlessly moving around the house, running errands, shopping for grocery and even preparing the bedding way earlier than necessary. She prepared lunch for them, but nobody really ate much. She went on to mark some assessments, but she really didn’t have the mood to. Some sort of an inevitable bad feeling was creeping under her skin. As minutes became hours and as the night approached, she realized she was awaiting the wedding as if she was waiting for a missile to land.

Howon’s mother woke up towards night and surprisingly she had enough energy to glare at Eunji whenever she moved into the room, even if she was only trying to check on her and see to her needs. Eunji felt a disdainful amount of betrayal every moment that happened. She only wanted to help, do her rightful part, not as a potential daughter in law but a woman who had enough respect to treat an ill woman. As she made supper for that night and a bland chicken soup for the old woman, she surreptitiously made a call to Sung Gyu. It was almost too much of an overwhelming comfort, just hearing his voice. She was just about to cry, only except that there was Howon going in and out of the kitchen, so she felt like she was being a cheat of the most terrible kind. But Sung Gyu talked to her, he spoke in this soft, quiet and disarming way that she felt as if he was closer to her though he was so far away. She listened to his little giggles, the way he hummed thoughtfully once he’d run out of things to say, the way he rapped his fingers on a table and occasionally yelled at Sung Jae to turn the down the TV’s sounds. But most importantly, he told her all the right and important things that she absolutely needed at that moment. He remined her, once all over again that it wasn’t her fault. It’s just how things turned out to be, but they were going to get better. He promised her that they will.

Howon offered to feed his mother, but the moment he sat down beside the bed, his phone shrilled, and it turned out it was a call he couldn’t pass on. So Eunji, most annoyingly had to take his place instead. Even as she held spoonsful of the soup she could feel the judgmental glare burning right through her head. Eunji persevered, nonetheless; because what she was doing wasn’t her responsibility. She was merely doing a favor. And if the old woman couldn’t accept it without her usual judgmental glares, it wasn’t anything that Eunji could help with. She made sure to be extra careful with her, still. She gently wiped her frail old lips with a napkin after every two mouthfuls or so and had another laid in her lap in case the soup spilled. It was in the perfect heat that she would like, and she had checked it about a dozen of times if she got the flavor right. But the woman’s way of looking at her didn’t end, as if Eunji’s mere existence was an offence to her. Eunji kept playing Sung Gyu’s voice in her mind in a fruitless attempt to keep her patience at bay. But that somehow made her so distracted with her thoughts that when Howon entered the room again and told her that he would take over, she was so shocked that she accidentally spilled a spoonful onto the napkin in her lap. And the reaction, as she had imagined came as exaggerated as she could be. “Ow! My hand you stupid girl!” Cried Howon’s mother, and although it was obvious that there was not a drop of soup on either of her hands (It was all soaked up by the napkin on her lap) she made a huge deal out of it. The angry glare only worsened, but Eunji began to apologize, checking on her hand and haphazardly placed the tray on the side table, but it wasn’t balanced enough that it clattered onto the floor with a crash.

And the whole room fell quiet.

Eunji watched as the soup dripped off the edge of the tray and down onto the carpet in ugly white and green splodges, horror struck. She could almost hear the heavy beating of her heart in her ears, as if it was the only sound in the quiet room at that time, or all that she could hear. Howon had moved behind her and was trying to gather the remaining soup into the bowl and straighten things up, somehow, and she’s frozen to the spot all until the old woman started her charade again. This time much louder, cruel and chaotic. Eunji watched her for a split second, and then looked at Howon who’s arms were trembling as he gathered the cutlery onto the tray. She moved quickly, only with the intent to help him. But then for her utter befuddlement, his hands swathed her away. “Leave it” He growled lowly, and she stood there, struck by the moment and the harshness of his tone, feeling as if she’d been slapped on her face.

Eunji knew that Howon was never really on her side. But then again, he never did take anyone’s side. He was quiet, impartial and stuck in the labyrinth and the unspoken choices as much as she was.

But all of a sudden, it no longer appeared to be the case. His sour expressions began to make sense now, and she wouldn’t blame him if he’d chosen his mother over her. She was sick, she was frail although there was no stopping to and all the cruelty she’d cause. But if he’d still choose to have her and lead her life more and more into this misery, Eunji wasn’t sure if she’d be able to take it.

She swallowed and tried again. “Howon, let me clean up. You fetch her another-,”

“Just leave it, leave us alone” He growled yet again, his face firm and distinct, his eyes filled with only what she could see as rage. It was possible that he also thought, whatever happened, she did with intent. It was possible he was convinced, given her vulnerable position, that Eunji was trying to hurt his mother in return. It could have appeared a mistake in Eunji’s mind, but it probably wasn’t, hearing the manner that the old woman was making it appear and sound like.

Eunji suddenly wanted a drink and felt that fervent need to escape.

Even as she left the room, she felt like her feet moved on their own accord as her mind was struggling to fight back. For once, she didn’t want to be in the same room as Howon and possibly speak up for herself. She’d done it too many times, and each of her attempts had gone to naught, making the attacks even worse. Eunji had never thought words from someone she simply disliked could hurt so much. Comments from people she hadn’t an actual emotional relation to had never really bothered her. She’d most likely hear them from one ear and let them out through the other. But Howon’s mother. God, she made her feel as if she was constantly placing her head on the guillotine. And Howon, with his usual backwards and undeterred-self had made her feel worse. But tonight, she really did feel like she lost her patience with him. It was clear that she did nothing wrong, but still he had to hold it against her.

A marriage between him and her, in such circumstances was never going to work. But she knew his mother wasn’t going to let her off the hook easily, neither would she let Howon be until they’d tie the knot. The possibilities were making her head hurt.

They hadn’t any spare alcohol in the cupboards. She had filled up the grocery just that evening, but she hadn’t felt the need of any at that time. The clock had barely struck eleven, yet the street outside, albeit lonelier than usual, still had life. There was the convenience store she frequented, a lousy high schooler doing his part time job as if he’s been forced into doing it. In many occasions than one, she’d found herself relating to his constantly sour moods. He was behind the counter, his brows in a frown and his nose plunged in his calculus sums when she approached the counter with a pack of beer and a few bags of chips in varying flavors laden in her arms. He rung them up quietly, certainly deep in his thoughts and his expression didn’t make it appear as if he was having pleasant thoughts. ‘You and me both, kid’ Eunji sighed as she picked up her grocery and left the store. She hated herself for wondering who possibly had it worse.

With the beer and chips on tow, she climbed the fire exit of their apartment building, four floors up until she was at the roof top. The air was impossibly cold, her skin was prickling, and she felt like it was being splintered by million tiny daggers. Regardless it was the only place she found peace in at rough moments, the only place except for Sung Gyu’s warm embrace. Sung gyu. Even the very thought of him soothed her mind, as if it was a splash of cold water rained across cracked ground in a drought. She wished she could hear his voice, listening to his small hums and that enchanting laughter which made her whole world tremble and fall into place. But her disposition wasn’t quite right. She wasn’t in the right mood to indulge him, and if she would call him now, she’d let out everything she was trying to burn down with alcohol, and that simply wasn’t what she wanted right now. And so, she sat on top of a stack of old wooden crates, pulled the hood of her parka over her head, breathed out a heavy cloud of white smoke and proceeded with her short lived, momentary healing process. The street lights had dimmed significantly by the time she had downed three cans of beer and a whole packet of chips, and through her bleary eyes she could outline the faint silhouettes of far off mountains. By the time the view slowly disappeared in her eyes, her preceding anger had diminished, only having turned into a desperate sort of a longing that she couldn’t quite pinpoint. And the cold was only worsening to the point that she felt numbed under her dozens of layers of cloth that she finally decided it was time to go back home.

The lights inside the flat, when she entered were turned down that she had to haphazardly shuffle along the narrow corridor with just the flash light of her phone, in case she woke Howon. He was comfortably curled under the quilts, only his dark tuft or hair visible, sticking in all direction as would of a child. He appeared so peaceful that she felt her heart constrict. It must have been the beer or the cold numbing her mind, but she forgave him, instantaneously. She acknowledged the fact that none of it was his fault. That’s what Sung Gyu always told her. None of what which happens to you was anybody’s fault. It just so happened. Even tonight, in the heat of the moment, it just so happened, and now that the initial anger had passed, all was fine.

All except for the dread which she still felt for the next day as strongly as ever. But still there was a flicker of hope inside her. If all went well and if his mother didn’t make a scene towards the end, Eunji would finally make a choice and fearlessly speak of it, the decision she had made to finally free herself of any obligation of a relationship she’d feel towards Howon. There was no reason why she must continue to be in a family where she surely didn’t belong, and if she would, she’d only end up hurting herself and maybe even him too. She didn’t want to make that mistake, and she would tell him that.

Not because of Sung Gyu. Not because she finally had the chance to love the man she wanted. Not entirely at least. It was all because she too deserved happiness in her life.

All of a sudden, Howon let out a soft groan into the quiet night, and she saw the silhouettes of his arms raising above him. She paused on her tracks, afraid that she’d woken him. But it turned out he hadn’t gone to sleep all along. She let out a sigh, went on to stack in the rest of the beer and returned to the living room as she rid herself of the extra layers of cloth. Howon was sitting up in the makeshift bed, his hair a crow’s nest and following her with his gaze.

“Are you mad at me?” Howon’s voice suddenly cut into the silence, and Eunji stared at him for a moment too long, mulling out the question herself. Then, with a shrug she approached the bed, where he lifted the quilt for her and she crawled inside. Howon lied down next to her, and they both stared up at the roof above them, marveling at the ripples of white light coming from the street.

“You know how mum is like” Said Howon once more, as if he was talking to himself. “She’d gone through a lot and-,”

Eunji closed her eyes and tossed to a side. It was always the same, always the same conversation, same words, same tone and voice, but nothing ever changed, and she was sick of it.

“Howon” She called out roughly, interrupting whatever he was saying, and he stopped. “Yeah?”

With her eyes still closed, she pressed two fingers onto her temples, her head was beginning to hurt. “Can we please talk tomorrow? It’s late”

There was a moment of quietness, which was soon followed by the ruffle of the sheets, and he let out an audible sigh. “Okay…” Silence. “Good night Eunji”

She of course, hadn’t the strength of the need to speak another word again. She allowed her inner conversations to take over the deafening quietness of the house, her thoughts to wander from one place to another until they were tucked away somewhere in a far off city, and she imagined him, warmly snuggled under the quilts, his little boy in his arms, perhaps, since it was a little too cold tonight, and staring up at the roof above, the stars in his eyes. It was with this thought that she drifted off to sleep. Yet, she didn’t fail to feel the arms wrapping around her waist, being pulled close into an unsolicited embrace and lips placing a kiss upon the exposed bit of her skin. It just didn’t feel the same anymore.

Eunji’s known that Woohyun always loved much class and glamour. She’d thought it came to him after having lived an elite childhood and even after his parents demise it had stayed with him. So, there was no surprise when she stepped out of the car the next morning and was greeted by a vast, elegant wedding hall with its high walls and pillars, guards in fancy uniforms opening the doors for them and the dizzying fragrance of fresh roses lining the entrance and beyond. The hall was small, nevertheless, they hadn’t many guests to invite since the two brothers hadn’t exactly been close to their relatives after their parents passed away. All was fine, still. The hall was beautiful, the weather was perfect, and she felt slightly better and even a little prettier in her dress. But she couldn’t fight the heavy weight of anxiety she felt, which planted itself in the pit of her stomach since the previous night and growing stronger as ever. Even as she walked alongside Howon (Who was pushing his mother in a walking chair since she insisted she came to the wedding) her eyes were all over the place, searching for one figure in particular. She didn’t think she could feel at rest until she was graced by the very sight of him. A part of her knew that it wasn’t going to be pretty. Stuck with people she didn’t want to be with and longing to be held by the man she loved. Although she had spent an entire day in his reassuring warmth and basically listened to his voice over the phone every single day, she just couldn’t have enough. She’s always wanting more.

The chairs were nicely lined in two sections, the aisle was lined with thousands of buckwheat flowers and baby roses along with satin hangars and silver bows. It was beautiful. Howon pushed the wheelchair along the side, and he had to remove a chair to set the wheelchair into place. He sat beside his mother, then but Eunji didn’t want to stay with them, at least not until the ceremony started. She excused herself and decided to go on and see how well her brother in law was doing.

He was at the end of the vast corridor at the back of the hall, seated in the sofa along with Bomi in an elegant white love seat, posing for the photos. His team mates were around them, Dong Woo fussing around with making them look perfect for the photos, Sung Yeol loudly exclaiming why its unfair that he’s always on the back and then Myung Soo chatting with the photographer as he adjusted the camera for a perfect shot. And among them, as if he still naturally belonged there but standing out as he always had was Sung Gyu, looking as beautiful as ever.

Eunji could almost see how the entire world blurred around him, the sounds quietened, and everything ceased to exist until all she could see was him. He hadn’t seen her still and was arguing with Sung Yeol over something or the other, and she quietly drank in the sight of him. He was in a sleek black suit, a dark grey tie and is hair in an elegant up-do, as if he’d worked on it for days (but it was quite obvious that his mother had done it for him) what held her transfixed to him was the brilliance of his smile, how his eyes turned into crescent moons and the curve of his lips brightened up the entire room as if he was the sun in the warm summer days. She watched all of them quietly standing on a side, as Myung Soo struggled to put them all into place. Someone yelled out (probably Dong Woo) whether they should call Howon, and her heart fell through the floor. She can’t watch both of them in the same picture let alone have them in the same room and feel like she’s being tortured. No, she wasn’t ready yet. And as if Sung Yeol read her mind (Which probably wasn’t true, for the most part) he exclaimed that they didn’t need him, everyone laughed, Woohyun said that his mum was there, which earned a collective groan and after hours of struggle they posed for a couple of photos, and Eunji laughed when Sung Gyu held up a bunch of Woohyun’s hair strands with his fingertips, making them appear like he’d grown horns. That, somehow, in the quiet room, sounded louder than she intended, and all their eyes turned to him.

“Ah! Look who’s here!” Sung Yeol’s voice boomed in an uncharacteristic greeting, and then, much to her surprise, every started teasing Sung Gyu with kissy noises and boos, at which point he beat up a few of them, met her eyes and smiled. Her heart stopped beating, she could swear. But she thought they all knew about Howon and her. Once glance at Woohyun’s direction, and his smug smile said it all. What’s peculiar, however, was that Sung Gyu didn’t even seem affected, as if he’d expected it anyway. If anything, he just seemed happy; happy to see her, happy to have her there. He extricated himself from the rest of the boys, and their teasing only got louder as he approached her in two strides. Her heart beat harder and harder with every step he made all until she deemed that it had ceased to exist, and the booming voices around her suddenly became a distant noise in her ears. All she could see was him, and he was beautiful.

“Hey” He called, stepped closer to her, and she breathed in the intoxicating scent of him; breezy, warm and reminding her of long summers.

“H-hi” She stammered, and then he grinned, glanced at the others for a split of a second, turned around, pulled her closer to him and kissed her on her lips.

The boos and complaints of the others had only grown louder, otherwise she wouldn’t have even heard them. Sung Yeol was loudly exclaiming his protests and someone was saying something about considering the poor single souls in the room. There was Woohyun and Bomi, serving them with their own not-so-funny comments, but Sung Gyu didn’t appear to mind at all as he kissed her, soft and long, but not long enough to indulge her, leaving her wanting for more. And he pulled away. “Did I ever tell you that you were beautiful?” He asked her then, and by the way he laughed, it was obvious he was winding up the others, and they reacted as they should, as well. But it was fine, because he already had, about million times.

So, she played along herself, and gave him a warm smile. “Now would be a good time”

The boys groaned again and Sung Gyu chuckled in response. Then he placed a hand on her back, pulling her closer to him. “You better get the photos done before the ceremony starts” his voice, when he told her this, was firm. She looked up at him, and the way his gaze was set on her made her stomach turn and she realized what he was referring to. The reality and the moment she lived right now was vastly different, and in her reality, whether she liked it or not, she must be posing for the photos, not with Sung Gyu, but him.

The rest had returned to their own bearings, leaving them quiet and alone with their thoughts, and Sung Gyu gently turned her around to face him. His gaze; warm and reassuring, held a promise, and she felt that warmth enfolding her within. “Listen, Eunji” He called, and he was so close to her that she didn’t feel she was up to do much of listening. But they hadn’t enough time. Sung Gyu glanced over at where Woohyun and Bomi was, and the way the look in his eyes hardened gave her the answers. “Go on” She told him.

Sung Gyu his lips. “I know it’s not going to be easy. But today, just for the next couple of hours, we’re going to have to it up, okay? The two of us. And once this is over-,”

“I’ll tell him” Eunji said without a beat and lifted her head to meet his eyes. “I’ll tell him that he and I are never going to work out. Because things don’t fall into place for us. And he need to understand”

Sung Gyu opened his mouth to respond, but then he closed it and nodded his head. “That’s…that’s the right way around it”

She too, nodded her head. “I deserve to be happy, and he need to understand”

Sung Gyu stared at her for a long moment until a slow, warm smile appeared on his lips. “Yes…You do, Eunji. You deserve all the happiness in the world” and when he leaned down and kissed her on her forehead, Eunji realized that all the happiness that she truly deserved only lied within him, as he, as it happened, had now become her entire world.

“Go on, call them and get the photos done…I’ll be out with the guys” he muttered to her, squeezed her hand and hurried his way out of the hall.

The photo time with Howon and his mother had to be the most awkward affair she’d ever engaged in. Howon stood as stiff as a board, and it’s been long since she’d realized that his whole inability to pose decently for a photo was a part of his whole being. His mother appeared no better; her bright red lipstick a vast contrast to her wrinkled pale skin and her hair uncharacteristically dark gave her the impression of a cruel witch from the children’s books, and she personally thought it quite suited her. It was hard to keep a straight face throughout, and she was glad when it was done. Then they were soon ushered back to the ceremony, ten more minutes, and it started.

Eunji wasn’t much of a fan of weddings. Yet, she realized that there was something magical about them, about two people confessing their love to each other in front of a congregation, as if they wanted the whole world to know. There was something enchanting about the way the groom awaits the bride at the altar, the way she made it gracefully along the aisle, rose petals paving the path for her, the one man who’d always loved and cherished her all her life until then leading her way as if she was a rare treasure, carefully entrusting her to another to love and cherish. She watched the beauty of marriage unfolding before her, completely transfixed and captivated that she could swear she got a little teary when Woohyun’s eyes started glimmering at the sight of his bride. It all appeared to be something happening in a parallel universe, a place where everything was perfect and beautiful, where everyone was happy whereas in her own reality, her life was in an unamendable mess. They said vows, exchanged rings, people gave their brief speeches, and everything happened so fast. She’d been so engrossed in the ceremony that she didn’t even realize when it was over. It was when they were making it back down the aisle, hand in hand, that she finally returned to her own bearings, and as she was gazing at the two newly married couple, gracefully making their way through, she wondered what her own fate would be. Unconsciously, her gaze was searching in the congregation, rapidly scanning the faces until the one she treasured the most appeared in her vision. He was right across the room, standing out amongst all the clamor, and his eyes just like hers, were transfixed on her.

Eunji, Howon and his mother sat in one table, and she had never felt more out of place in her life. The feeling that she was in a place where she didn’t belong was stronger than ever before. But there was something odd about Howon that afternoon, and even odder about his mother. She had expected her to be complaining under her breath, continuously telling her son all the reasons why his marriage should be happening sooner. ‘You need to be picked up soon’, ‘I want to see you marrying before I die’. She had already imagined their conversations in her mind, and she dreaded them, she dreaded having to sit amongst them all and pretend to not to be bothered, like they never mattered. But still she was prepared for it, to listen to her ill claims, to see how Howon’s face would change, eventually leading to yet another argument at home. It was scarier, however, that everything was uncharacteristically peaceful. It was as if there was something terrible just around the corner, and she, again, felt that dreadful feeling from the previous night. It was as if they were waiting for a missile to drop.

She and Howon engaged in small conversations just to fill in the uncomfortable quietness. His mother dozed for a while on the wheelchair, and they took around champagne and cake as the bride and groom went from table to table, greeting the guests. In quiet whispers, Eunji showed to him their side of cousins, and Howon, though mostly uninterested (and distracted, if anything) asked her occasional questions, and it was quite endearing for a while. She was glad that they could put their indifferences behind, even for a moment. She was glad that they could be the same two people they initially were before his mother came between them. If she was to be honest, she really liked Howon. He was a great guy. He had an attractive personality, he was kind, caring and friendly, he was the man who stood by her and comforted her when the entire world fell apart around her, and he understood her more than anybody else did, at that time. For everything he was for her, she was thankful. And if anything, after all was done and if things went as she wanted them to, she’d still want to remain as good friends for each other. He needed to understand, Eunji continuously promised herself. It wasn’t him where the truest problem lied. It was in the constants in his own equation which simply couldn’t tally with hers. The odd ones out. He just needed to understand.

As lunch time turned up, she grew even more agitated. As nice as spending time with Howon has been for her, she was acutely aware of Sung Gyu’s presence, floating around her like an invisible shadow. She could almost feel his gaze upon hers, she could feel his constant thoughts about her. More often than not, she had wondered the possibility of them running off to a dark corner in the hotel, hand in hand and him kissing her breath away. But more than that she was afraid of the moment when he and Howon would cross paths and when she’d be the subject between them, somewhat setting them part and changing the direction of their acquaintanceship. She was afraid of the moment when she’d stand before him, he appearing as if them being in one room didn’t affect her one bit and her fighting her urge to launch at him and enfolding her in his arms. Food was great, but the table was quiet. She didn’t dare interfere as Howon carefully fed his mother. She was absolutely capable of feeding herself, but she very much loved the attention, even if it was in a crowded place. Especially at weddings. She left them to it and finished lunch sooner than she intended to. By the time she returned with dessert, however, Howon was gone. Their empty plates have already been taken, and his mother looked as if she was gradually drifting away. Eunji peered through the crowd, searching for him. She did the accident of meeting Sung Gyu’s eyes.

She didn’t think she could it up any longer.

Their eyes were talking, even from such a distance, she could feel. His own seemed to tell her something, and she tried her best to understand him. They widened, they narrowed, and they smiled, but she realized she hadn’t exactly mastered the art of reading eye expressions. A moment later, Howon appeared through the crowd, and she found only a moment to turn away from Sung Gyu, though reluctantly, and tried her best to not glance in his direction. It was frustrating, really.

“Where were you?” She asked him for the lack of better things to say. Howon looked a little flushed, his forehead glistening with a fine sheen of sweat even on a cold day. “N-nothing” He said, sounding unnervingly unconvincing, and gave her a small, awkward smile when she narrowed her eyes at him. “Nothing, really”

She folded her arms on her chest. “You’ve been a bit strange today, are you okay?”

Howon’s eyes widened, as if he’d just been caught doing something wrong, adding to her suspicion. “I’m fine actually, absolutely fine”

She stared at him a little too long and turned away with only a hum.

His mother was wide awake by then, quietly judging every passing person in the hall; her eyes narrowed at the length of girls’ skirts even though they wore tights underneath, and grumbled under her breath, the kind of things Eunji really didn’t need to hear. But she was surprised that for once she wasn’t the subject of her scrutinizing, that she was left off the hook for the day. It was even stranger that she was barely paid attention. On the other days, while Eunji wondered what life was like for her, to spend it nosing into other people’s businesses, she always found a chance to see fault in her. Either her skirt was too short, or she wasn’t sitting like a lady. At the end of the day, it would always be about her that it felt like something constant in her life had diminished when it didn’t come along. Something was off. That’s all she could feel.

When Woohyun came through the crowd a little while later, a grave look on his face, Eunji realized that there indeed was something terribly wrong. The missile has been launched. His expression altered into a forced smile as he approached the table, and Howon gazed up at him with this look of expectance and he’s the first one to speak, asking Woohyun if anything was wrong, which wasn’t even a generic question for the moment. Possibilities flooded into her mind without end, and she felt a distinct chill down her spine. “No, no everything’s fine” Woohyun told him dismissively, his forced smile widening, and beside her, Howon’s mother stared up at him with a distinct look of irritation. Woohyun turned to Eunji, looking at her pointedly, and smiled again. “Eunji, well, there’s someone I’d like you to meet! She’d been dying to see you”

He winked, a slightest milliseconds worth of a twitch in his eyes, and Eunji understood. “Oh, Oh! Okay!” She might have sounded a little too excited that she earned a slight look of concern from Howon, which she ignored and climbed up on her feet. “I’ll take her for a moment” Woohyun told Howon, who only shrugged in response, and soon he dragged her away through the swarm of dancing bodies in the middle of the hall, his jaw tightened, the look in his eyes so grave that her stomach twisted. He didn’t say a word as he brought her right out of the hall to the corridor outside, and the loud music and flamboyance inside muffled behind the large doors, as if it’s a distant universe. Out in the cold, empty corridor, everything felt and sounded so loud, so harsh. A mirror image of her reality.

“What’s going on?” Eunji asked him, her voice bouncing off the walls of the empty corridor. Woohyun was glancing at his phone, and he typed away urgently before he turned to her. “In a moment”

She felt like she waited for ages, feeling her feet going rigid, and realized that what’s worse than knowing something bad was around the corner was not knowing anything at all. When the door pulled open, they both turned around in anticipation, and relief settled around her like a warm blanket. Sung Gyu approached her in two strides, smiling brightly, his gaze fixed solely on her. That smile, somehow, did not quite reach his eyes. It was tight, as if he was holding back something, and the air around them felt so heavy that the gnawing feeling from earlier gradually returned to her and consumed her whole. Woohyun had returned to the hall, leaving them to their devices and Sung Gyu turned to her, the smile now gone and replaced with a look of sheer gravity.

“Is…everything alright?” She asked him. And when he moved closer and placed his hands on her shoulders, she held her breath. “Eunji, I want you to listen close to me, okay?”

She nodded rigidly, and he took a deep breath, his fingers stiffly curling against her skin. “In a few minutes, Howon is going to propose to you”

She couldn’t perceive the exact sense of what she was told in the beginning. She let the words sink in, felt her world turning cold, and blinked in response.

“W-what?” She asked him.

And slowly, this time around, each syllable clear and awfully resonant in her ears, he told her; “Howon’s about to propose to you, Eunji. He’s going to ask you to marry you”

And there, there it was. The missile that she’d been waiting to be launched for the entire day. Eunji knew she should have trusted her instincts, should have done something when she realized that something was off. Of course, Howon’s mother wouldn’t have been so quiet if it wasn’t something, and Howon’s behavior now seemed to have spoken volumes. The dread from the previous night only grew by a tenfold. It was better to be told cruel, hurtful comments than to be forcefully dragged into a place she absolutely didn’t want to be. Her life just fell from bad to worse, from a situation where she barely had a choice to be chained down to have no opinion at all. Tears welled in her eyes, and she wanted nothing but Sung Gyu’s comfort, the very voice which made the previous revelation to assure her that it wasn’t true.

“Ssh ssh…now Eunji, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay…” He whispered to her when she lowered her head, fighting her tears. His warm hands held the side of her face, wiping the tears away, the tears she didn’t even feel that had fell, and the soothing tone of his voice made her feel like crying even more so. She shook her head in response, and he let out a heavy sigh. “Eunji, listen, it’s going to be alright, okay? I’m going to fix this; I’m going to fix everything”

She raised her head, only to see the steadfast determination in his eyes. An unspoken promise, and she believed him. “T-then…propose to me instead, please” She voiced out to him, her voice a small whisper that she didn’t recognize as her own. Sung Gyu smiled, albeit gently, his eyes filled up with a kind of kindred understanding before he leaned over and kissed her; gentle and slow as if it was a quiet little promise to her. She reveled in the warmth of his lips upon hers, his scent in her nostrils and the reassurance in his embrace. When he finally moved away from her, the world suddenly appeared different to her. She gazed up at him, silent but hopeful, and he slowly caressed her cheek. “You will have to trust me on this. Will you do that for me?” He asked her slowly, and she nodded in response, allowing him to continue.

“There’s…a big crowd out there, and it makes things a little difficult, I understand. But when he asks you, I want you to play along. Act surprised, let him live that happiness and…and say yes. Say yes to him”

Eunji froze, her eyes widening in response. “S-say yes? But-,”

“Ssh…listen, trust me. It will be fine” he replied and held her by her shoulders. As much as she wanted to trust him, at that moment she could hardly make sense of what he was trying to do. “But how will it be fine? I- I can’t!”

Sung Gyu let out a heavy sigh. “I understand, Eunji. I truly do. But there is a crowd out there, and if you rejected him, questions would follow. Everyone out there are people who hardly know Howon, so it will only be a proposal and it will pass. But if you reject him, his mother will make a commotion, it will only make things harder on you and…well, it will hurt him too. And you’re better than that”

She stared at Sung Gyu for a moment, she felt like she was about to combust. “But…but does it make sense? How would it fix anything?”

His smile, at that time was tight, but he brought her closer to him, so close that the tips of their noses touched, and his arms wrapped around her. “That’s where you’re going to have to trust me”

He kept telling her that, and the warmth he emanated engulfed her in reassurance, his eyes gave off the kind of confidence that only someone who knew what they were doing would have. But she simply didn’t want to do it. If Howon would truly propose to her, it would be the first proposal in her life, and she didn’t want that to end up in shambles. She didn’t want it to be merely a part of a play that she didn’t want to be involved in, some sort of an eye-pleaser for the woman whose existence had only and always been a pain to her. More than anything, she wanted it to be him, Sung Gyu, in front of the entire world, confessing to her and bringing her life back to tracks again.

But on the other hand, she understood. He was right. The moment she would reject him, she’d willingly put herself into a place she’d have to struggle to get out of. Howon was probably doing it for his mother, the whole reason why her entire pre-wedding charade was halted for the day. And by rejecting him in front of her and a congregation, she’d cause both of them problems for which she wouldn’t have answers to, and the chances were that these questions would be fired at her in that exact moment, and things would blow out of proportion.

It made perfect sense. But she still didn’t want to go forth, not unless…well, not unless he…

“Propose to me first” She told him, her voice a soft whisper against his lips.

“Eunji…”

“Propose to me, so the first once I’d ever be asked won’t be one that I didn’t want to happen”

Sung Gyu went quiet, staring down at her for a long time that she felt as if an eternity passed. The creases around his eyes formed a smallest of a smile, and there was a slight curve on his lips. The quietness was comfortable, it held possibilities. And then slowly, as if he had all the time in the world, he placed his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. She held her breath. It was happening. Her own hands curled against the lapels of his coat, and she waited.

“Eunji…” He called her, she gazed up at him and he rested his forehead against hers.

“Sung Gyu…” She closed her eyes.

A moment of silence, and,

“I love you”

Eunji remained quiet for a moment, allowing the words to sink into her mind, pour into her heart and engrave into her memory until it was all she would remember from this day. Then she pulled away from him the slightest. She didn’t even realize that her eyes have welled up. But he wasn’t done. No, not yet.

His hand reached up to her, cradled her face in his palm, gently, like he would a treasure, and caressed her cheek. “I love you, Jung Eunji. I love you so much. I don’t think…I don’t…” A heavy sigh, and he his lips as if he was running out of things to say as she waited, barely aware of her surroundings.

When he spoke to her, again, his voice was only a soft whisper, his words floating around her like fragments of a beautiful dream. She caught them; each word, one after the other and connected them like pearls on a string. “Eunji. When life was so difficult for me, when I had given up on finding love entirely, you came to me. You made me believe again. You made the impossible possible. You made me fall in love with you, with myself, with everything I never believed to be true. And so, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”

For a moment, she felt as if she’d floated away to a different dimension. Everything blurred around her, the sounds quietened, the cold, empty hallway only became warmer. She was aware of his presence in a way she had never been before; it was only him, he was all she could feel, see and hear; all that her senses could grasp and latch onto, and nothing’s felt more perfect than that. Words floated away from her, thoughts changed and took on a different color. What he had to tell her didn’t necessarily have to be what she wanted to hear, not really. Because the words he had truly told her was more than enough to turn things around for her, make her complete.

Eunji didn’t realize that there were tears rolling down her cheeks. Sung Gyu showed signs of mild panic, softly soothing her, wiping the dampness away. But she shook her head slowly and allowed the moment to last as long as it could. Because she didn’t think there’d ever be any other moment more precious to her than this moment was, or if she could possibly ever be happier.

Because being told that he loved her was so much better than the promise she desired to hear and anything, she’d do anything to hear him telling her, just that, for the rest of her life.

“Sung Gyu…” She whispered, placing her trembling hands on either of her shoulders and looked into his eyes. She’s no longer baffled by how they held her entire universe within them. “Sung Gyu…that’s…that’s the best thing…” She muttered, but then her own words failed her. She couldn’t get them out as if lost somewhere between the moment of her thinking them and putting them out into words. And so, when all words were lost, all thoughts were jumbled and sounds muted in her mind, she pulled him closer to her and kissed him his breath away.

It was soft, warm and benevolent, all the thoughts she’d failed to put into words reflected onto the gentlest exchange. In their minds, they were still talking, a quiet, enchanting conversation, and that raised possibilities; millions of promises followed. When they finally pulled apart, Eunji felt as if she’d been reborn.

“We’ve stayed out for too long” Sung Gyu whispered to her, as he hurriedly wiped the tears from underneath her eyes. He’d pulled out a white handkerchief at some point, and the remnants of black on it implied that she might need to have a quick trip to the ladies ’before she went back in. “Eunji, I love you, but you might have to get back to him”

Eunji could swear that every time he would tell her that, even slipping it into random, generic statements, she’d most likely combust. “Okay…okay” She nodded, sniffed loudly and took the handkerchief from his hand. “You don’t mind if It keep this?”

“You can keep my everything” Sung Gyu smiled, and Eunji felt herself dying a little death inside her. There was a knock on the door beside them and Sung Gyu quickly pulled away from her. She was baffled by the sudden loss of contact, but still recollected herself before she looked up to see Woohyun looking through the parting of the door.

“I swear to god, hyung, if you don’t let her go right now-,”

“All yours” Sung Gyu sighed and stepped away, but when Eunji met his eyes for a briefest moment, they were glinting. He was happy.

“Well, come on then, Eunji. I don’t want my whooped on my own wedding day”

She nodded, took one step towards the parting of the door as Woohyun gestured her to quicken up hastily with his hands, then turned around and went right into Sung Gyu’s arms.

“Jesus” Woohyun hissed behind them but Sung Gyu chuckled in response.

“What-,”

“I love you more” Eunji muttered, making his irises go ten times larger than they were and kissed him quick and warm on his lips before she fled out the door.

*

For the life of him, Sung Gyu had never imagined that there would ever come a day when he’d have to watch the love of his life being snatched away right out of his embrace. He had tried to convince himself, myriad times, that he was going to be alright, that they would be fine, that things would always fall into place like they had for the past couple of months for him. But at that very moment, as the most significant part of his life appeared to veer off its rightful direction completely, Sung Gyu wasn’t so sure anymore. He was contented, deep down, he felt happy that he was finally able to let her know what he truly felt. Sung gyu thought that having told her he loved her, just once and at the most important moment at that, seemed to give more weight, worth and meaning to that simplest word. It still felt raw in his mouth, foreign yet undeniably familiar. Yet, he also felt that would he tell her that he loved her time and time again, that would lead the emotion to lose its spark. He’d remind her that he loved her, he'd show her every passing day, in every way she wanted and desired and felt it deep and long in her heart.

But right now, right at that moment, Sung Gyu felt lost and uncertain in a way he never imagined he would be. He was afraid, now, that the promises he had made for her would end up being empty and worthless, that everything he had thought would work out would never move in that direction. Howon being his opponent, strong and persevering in everything he did, Sung Gyu wasn’t sure how well he would be able to change it where their fates collided. He’d fight tooth and nail, as strongly as Sung gyu would. He knew it wasn’t a battle. It was a girl. It was for love. And obviously he’d been chosen over him. But where would they be at the end of everything? Ultimately one of them would end up being hurt, badly at that. And the prospects of it being Howon, and the one who would cause that pain being him, as of that time, seemed inevitably obvious to him.

Sung Gyu made sure he took all his time to wander about in the empty corridor, trying to bring his mind and heart in order so that he wouldn’t lose every part of himself, witnessing what could have been him and her had he been less of a coward all those months ago. His hands were clammy, and beads of sweat were underneath his gradually falling fringes of dark hair. As he paced back and forth across the corridor, he contemplated everything that he could do. Sung Gyu could just leave. He could sneak in for a briefest moment, talk to Woohyun and Bomi, and maybe also to the kids from his previous agency and take his leave. That would save him lots of trouble and heart break. Or he could stop being a coward and an idiot and steal his girl right off Howon’s hands. Not only would it be romantic in by standers eyes; it would also be brave and charming, and he would earn his rightful chance to claim his love for her in a vast congregation of people. He could seal a deal.

Or…well, he could just wait and watch from the back as everything he feared unfolded before him, and simply do nothing about it. For the time being, at least. All until he could figure out, with a clearer and saner mind, how he should approach it in a proper, civil manner. Just because a new chapter turned today it didn’t mean that things couldn’t change. He just had to try, he just had to believe that things could change.

By the time he finally returned to the reception hall, having stayed out long enough as to not arouse any suspicion, lots of things have changed. The newly married couple were just about to go away, and Boohyun’s brother was climbing down the podium after having given his speech of farewell. Both Woohyun and Bomi stood off to a side as the rest of the congregation watched them. Sung Gyu didn’t dare glance around the hall lest he caught her eyes and have his heart break once all over again. Instead, he quietly joined the crowd, sitting at the far back and tried to tune out all the sounds surrounding him. It felt better to pretend to have disappeared than being entirely a part of it. Sung gyu simply didn’t want to let her go in this way, but he had to. Simply because it was the only way to protect her.

Everything happened so fast after that point. Woohyun and Bomi made their final farewells and carefully walked down the aisle amongst all the celebration and cheers. Although the crowd climbed up on their feet, prepared to see them off, the newly married couple, a static sound came from the direction of the podium, followed by a voice. Everyone stopped and turned to glance over at who had now taken over the spot light, and Sung Gyu, with an incessantly breaking heart, slowly disappeared amongst the congregation. There was Howon up on the podium and he had a massive bouquet of pink roses in his hands.

Sung Gyu realized it with a pang, and his heart fell through the floor. He had never given her roses. He had never given her anything but his heart.

Sung gyu tried his best not to pay attention to what unfolded before him. He tried to tune out his voice, the excited clamber coming from the people gathered around and the tingle of laughter and cheers of joy, none of which he could relate to. He tried to focus solely on his own thoughts, thoughts which only wound around her, the girl he loved, and the moment that he’d one day ask her to take his hand and confess his love to her before the entire world. But try as he might, his mind was all over the place. His ears kept tuning into the words echoing inside the now quiet hall and his eyes were searching for that one person who meant to him the world. He had always known that she was his weakness; but never had he imagined that there would come a day that she would break him apart.

He knew that she never meant to. It just so happened. And it was partly his fault too.

Howon had climbed off the podium and Eunji had come to the front of the hall somewhere during that time Sung Gyu had tried to disappear, and she stood there, frozen in the moment, her eyes turned away. He wished she wouldn’t glance in his direction, search for his eyes and plead in the same way that she had before. That would break him entirely. That would ruin everything he’d planned for and the backslash would be solely on her. Yet he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. She appeared so small and lost in a labyrinth, he wished he could untangle the mess and hold her close.

Howon approached her. His steps were slow, and his eyes never moved from her. His expression, at that point, was unreadable. Sung gyu could see in the way that Eunji stood rigid, her hands clasped together, that she was in a moment that she didn’t want to be in; and to think that he’d forced her into it…

It was to protect her, keep her safe from everything that the world held against him. Sung Gyu reminded himself once more.

Howon held the bouquet out to her. He wasn’t saying anything, nor the look in his eyes seemed to mean much except for an unreadable stance. Eunji accepted it, cradling the flowers carefully in her arms. It was then that Howon descended down onto his knees, a hand held out; and the entire congregation gasped all at once. Sung Gyu took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“Will you marry me, Jung Eunji?” Howon’s voice echoed over the jovial mingle of the crowd and Sung Gyu tried his best to tune out the rest. Yet, her small, meekly voice came like a beacon in his ears, and Sung Gyu held his breath. He did the mistake of fluttering his eyes open, and there, he saw her, standing alone with the vast universe surrounding her. And her eyes, longing and beautiful, were set right on his own. Sung gyu knew what she wanted at that moment. He simply couldn’t be a coward and run away. He, for her, was her strength as much as she was his weakness, and so he gave her that promise in the best way he could. He nodded, just once, and before she could turn away, he gave her the most reassuring smile.

A moment of quietness, and slowly voices began to mutter amongst themselves. The tension raised and Sung Gyu had unconsciously begun to tug harshly onto his fingertips. For a moment he wished she would toss the bouquet away and come right into his embrace. But he knew better. He knew that she trusted him. And so, he waited.

“Y-yes…” Eunji’s voice, small, uncertain, finally filled the quietness in the room; and almost in cue, a loud exclamation of joy erupted from the crowd. Howon moved towards her, gathered her into his arms and kissed her.

It was then that Sung Gyu finally picked himself together and left the room. It was his moment. It should have been him over there, surrounded by the joyful congregation and the girl he loved in his arms. But in his place was another, leaving him with nothing but the pain and trouble to set things straight again.

That afternoon he returned home with a couple of cans of beer in a plastic bag and a splitting head ache which he had somehow acquired without even having to crack open a can. The wind was cold and miserable as he crossed his lawn to the front door, and even glancing down at the baby roses dying in the cold was making his mood even worse. He struggled, trying to enter the passcode, and he had only reached the second digit when the door beeped, clicked, and his mother’s concerned gaze appeared through the parting of the door.

“Mum?” Sung Gyu muttered, surprised, since he hadn’t expected her to be there. If he were to tell the truth, he had dropped Sung Jae off at his parents’place in hopes that he could have come time to himself in his empty home had things gone bad to worse during the wedding ceremony. He hadn’t planned on telling his mother about anything, let alone running head first into her with a bag laden with alcohol fixes in his hands. But he supposed now, that things never happened as he’d plan.

“Is everything okay?” Sung Gyu asked her as he stepped inside, and she closed the door behind her while Sung Gyu rid himself of his shoes and the extra layers of cloth. Even in the cold early winter, he felt warm and stuffy in his suit. “Yes, it’s just that Sung Jae wanted to come home” said his mother as she carefully helped his out of his bob tie. “You surely don’t seem fine, Sung Gyu. I see what you’ve got there in your hands”

It wasn’t that his mother was adamant about letting him have a drink. But his mother knew him like an open book; any occasion when Sung Gyu who had long since given up on drinking, would turn up with even the mildest amount of alcohol in his hands, she’d sense trouble.

“I just needed a drink” Sung gyu sighed, looking down at his mother with a pout. Upstairs, he could hear the flamboyant chatter and laughter of the children, and so he guessed Sung Jae was having visitors. His father too, perhaps was accompanying them. But he sure as hell didn’t want to sit down and drink with his mother. They’ve done lots of things together but sharing a bottle of Soju simply wasn’t one of them.

“A drink to forget your married best friend?” His mother asked, raising and eyebrow, and he felt it coming before he could even stop himself. The words slipped past his lips without warning, and he didn’t even feel the need to stop himself. “No, to forget a marrying girlfriend” He sighed. It felt odd, to have the world ‘girlfriend’ rolling past his lips, especially as it referred to her. But he supposed it was one of the many things he must get used to.

“Eunji?” Asked his mother, her vice softer than he imagined it would be, and he felt his heart dropping through the floor. He could only nod in response.

“Oh my” She mumbled, a hand on her heart, and she immediately reached for the bag in his hands. “I think we both need a drink to talk about this”

“M-mum…” Sung Gyu started, trying his best to reason with her, but it was futile as she had already made her way towards the kitchen. “Come on, we’ll fix a bite to eat and talk all about it”

And its talking about it that they do, for the next couple of hours as his mother launched into preparing a snack for them to drink with. It was too early for alcohol, but neither could it wait until late; Sung Gyu needed an immediate fix and also while his parents were around. While Sung Gyu roasted (and feasted on) some peanuts he’d found tucked away in the kitchen cabinets, his mother grilled thick, juicy slices of pork belly for them. The aroma of the cooking meat wafted around the vast expanse of the kitchen, and while it cooked, his mother asked him about her, about what led him to this point where he’d thought alcohol was the answer. And Sung Gyu had no choice but launch into a complete account on everything’s that’s happened throughout the day.

By the end of it, they’ve moved to the kitchen table and Sung Gyu was distractedly dipping a piece of meat in a pot of sauce as his mother glowered down at him.

“Every time you have trouble, Sung Gyu, why does it always have to be about a girl?” She asked him and Sung Gyu wondered if he really had to answer that. What other kind of problems could a thirty-three-year-old bachelor possibly have in his life? Not Hemorrhoids, surely? Instead of asking her that, he stuffed the piece of pork he’d dunked in too much of sauce into his mouth and chewed urgently. “I don’t know mum” he sighed, in the end and swallowed hard. “Maybe I have no luck in love life”

“Ah that’s rubbish” his mother swatted her hand as if the very words he’d told were bothersome flies looming around her. “Sung Gyu-ah, there’s no such a thing as no luck in love life. Things always work out when you meet the right one”

“But she is the right one” Sung Gyu pouted, mindlessly playing with his chopsticks, and his mother gave him a warm smile. “That’s because things hadn’t worked out yet”

“Then they better work out soon” he muttered, still carelessly playing with the chopsticks in his hands, and a long moment of quietness ensued. Sung Gyu knew what silence from his mother’s end meant; and it was never good news. His mother tended to overthink lots of things, a trait that by some tough luck, Sung Gyu had acquired himself. He could almost imagine how her mind worked right now. He could almost form her exact words. Something about her and his father having grown old, perhaps. Something about him finding someone who’d look after Sung Jae and him when his parents couldn’t be around. Sung Gyu could tell, not only because he could easily read her emotions right off the first page, but also because he’d heard this coming from them a couple of dozens of times already. They’d tried to make it subtle, not to sound forceful. But Sung Gyu could feel and understand their concern. He wouldn’t blame them. They were right in every way. But what could he possibly do if something always came up, veering his love life off to a negative direction against his will?

Sung Gyu supposed that some questions always had answers out there, but this one, it certainly wasn’t one of them.

“You know, Sung Gyu…” started his mother, exactly as he had imagined she would, putting an end to the silence between them. “Your father and I…we were wondering-,”

If he would ever consider seeing someone again, and that someone wouldn’t end up hurting him anymore. He’d heard it all, already. And he had given the exact answer they’d needed, each and every time. But today, it was different. Today, he was going to give her the answer that he had always had for this question; and he had had no doubts about.

“I’m going to marry her” Sung Gyu interrupted her, his head hung low as he did. Sung Gyu could feel his mother stiffening beside him. Her hand was rigid on the table, her eyes fixed on him. And for a moment he thought he’d made a mistake of telling her. But then he raised his head and met her eyes. They were shining.

“W-who, Eunji?” She whispered to him, and he couldn’t help but smile widely in response. He reached out and took her hand in both of his own. “Yes, mum. I am going to marry her, Jung Eunji”

He’d thought his mother would be happy; elated even. He’d imagined she would pull him into her arms and tell him how proud she was of him. But instead, she just tilted her head and blinked. “But I thought she was going to marry that other boy?”

And all the positive energy he had accumulated thus far drained from him completely. He let out a heavy sigh and pouted his lips at his mother. “That’s the bit I haven’t figured out yet, to be honest”

She responded with a disapproving shake of her head. “Sung gyu, just how far have you thought about it? Because as much as I like her, I don’t know…there’s so many things standing between the two of you, and…” She lifted her eyes to meet his, and in them was a look filled of utter concern. “I just don’t want to see you getting hurt anymore, Sung Gyu. I want you to be happy”

She’d told him this too, one too many times already. And Sung Gyu wouldn’t blame her. She’d witnessed how difficult of a phase he had to pull through, and it wasn’t even the first time that love had set him apart. It almost appeared as if Sung Gyu’s love life existed only with the purpose of consecutively hurting him. Comparing to the amount of times he’d been reduced to tears by all the love in his heart, there was only so many occasions that he’d been happy. And his mother had to witness it all, hold him through all of them. And frankly, it appeared to him now, that she was tired. She only wanted him to settle, and that without any more heartbreaks and tears.

At that point, however, Sung Gyu felt really beaten up. He had thought it would be easier, but only if he had come up with a definitive plan. But as it happened, his mind was blank.

“It will be alright, mum, I’ll work it out” Sung Gyu reassured to his mother, still, warmly squeezing her hand between his own. She felt so frail and little in his palms. He wasn’t sure why he was making empty promises to her, or if he ever believed them to be true.

“If he’s asked her to marry him and if she said yes, Sung Gyu, I don’t see a way that it will work out for you” Sung Gyu’s mother dropped the bomb, and Sung Gyu pursed his lips. Trust his mother to say the most appropriate thing at the most appropriate time.

And he really hadn’t a proper answer to that; not only because he hadn’t expected for this conversation to ever come around but also because he truly hadn’t thought of a way out of this mess. All that he could come up with, as it happened was; “Well, I have always wanted to crash a wedding and steal the girl”

“Sung gyu!” Exclaimed his mother, her voice raised an octave that even she was surprised. Sung Gyu laughed softly, and his mother shook her head in response. “I didn’t raise you to go and crash anyone’s weddings!”

His laughter reduced to a withdrawn sigh, and he clasped his hands together, staring down at them quietly. He’d already told his mother what’s happened, every big and little detail. She knew that Eunji’s given her ‘Yes’ only because he had told her to, only because she’d trusted him. And the first thing she asked him was; ‘Do you have any idea what you’d do afterwards? ‘and frankly, he had no answer. It wasn’t exactly a fool proof plan. It was the only choice he had if he was to protect her from everything that would come after. It was completely unplanned for. The only thing he had thought they would do was talk to Howon, work things out, make him understand them. But as it happens, it appeared to be beyond impossible now.

Upstairs, the children were laughing to their hearts’ content. The merry sound echoed throughout the quietness of the house, and that somehow made him feel alone in a way he had never imagined. But then, as always, his mother’s comforting embrace engulfed him, and he relaxed against her like a child. She’d always babied him, despite how old and tall he’d grow; and in her arms, he’d feel like everything’s fallen into place. He snuggled against her and she patted slowly on his back. “Sung Gyu-ah, things might look messy right now, but you know that they’re going to be fine, right?”

Sung Gyu nodded slowly, although he was still completely unconvinced.

“I’m sorry if you feel like I’m…opposing. I’m not, Sung Gyu, I’m so happy…I’m so happy that, after all these years of refusal and denial, you’re finally about to-,” her voice cracked at that point, and a soft sob followed. Sung Gyu pulled away from her, gently as he gave her a warmest smile. “Mum…”

“I just want you to be happy…wherever you are, whoever you’d be with. I just want you to be happy…”

Sung Gyu sighed deeply and squeezed her hands. “I am, mum. I really am. My happiness lies with her…and I’ll do everything to cherish it”

“You do that…” Whispered his mother and softly placed a hand on his cheek. “And I, and your father, we’ll be with you every step of the way”

When Sung Gyu nodded and leaned over to give her yet another hug, and when she let out a shaky breath against him, Sung Gyu felt that reassurance, that promise, in every part of his being. He trusted her, he trusted her judgement, her intuition, every single promise she made to him. And in a way, that made him understand; that just in the same manner that he trusted them, everyone who loved him, trusted him too. And all he had to do is protect it; protect that trust with all his might.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful. After his parents left in the evening, Sung Gyu was yet again stuck with his solitude self and inner thoughts echoing louder and louder in his mind. Sung Jae went to bed early since he had school the next day, and he tried to engross himself in catching up on all the work he missed for the day. But he could hardly concentrate on anything. In the back of his mind, there was doubt an uncertainty gnawing at him like a parasite, and worse of all, was that it kept growing and growing until it was all he could feel. What if he couldn’t keep the promise that he made for her? What if he failed her? Would their love remain the same then? It was the kind of agitation which kept him on his toes and up from his sleep deep into the night. He tried to smother it down by downing half a can of beer, and then walking outside for a split of a second until the cold got to his bones. In the end, he opted to the last choice he had left in his hands. He went up to his room, closed the door behind him, picked up his phone and sent a quick text to her, asking if he could call her.

When Sung Gyu received the approval and rang her, he was, in a way, expecting for her to sound crestfallen. She would, it was a given. He had quite literally convinced her to give her first yes to a man, a marriage that she last wanted. But what he truly didn’t expect at that moment was for her to sound as if he had done absolute wrong to her.

“Have you thought of what to do now?” Eunji asked him the moment she picked the phone from her end, no greetings. Sung Gyu was rendered speechless for a moment, and then he cleared his throat. He couldn’t possibly tell her that he was lost there himself. “I thought we can talk to Howon” He told her, and he was baffled at how he far he had lost confidence in himself.

“Talk to Howon” Eunji replied wearily and Sung Gyu thought he heard a condescending tone underlying her voice. “Well, good luck with that because they’re ten steps ahead of us already”

Sung Gyu gulped, not at all finding her tone and manner of speech alluring. “What do you mean?”

There was a long, heavy moment of quietness on her end, and Sung Gyu found himself speculating things. Its so difficult, not knowing what could possibly be happening or had happened already on the other side of the spectrum. It was as if he was waiting for a missile to erupt. A few long seconds passed, and there was a slight rustle, perhaps of her moving around. Then she let out a heavy sigh. “Howon and his mother had already planned out a wedding, Sung Gyu. It’s happening in another two weeks”

And there it was, the missile he was waiting to erupt. He went quiet, all because he hadn’t anything to say which could make her feel better. Sung Gyu felt even lost than he already was, as if he was being dragged further and further into an endless labyrinth. He stared ahead of himself, out the window over at the empty, dark and cold street outside. He didn’t even feel himself as he leaned his forehead against the cold glass panel, letting out a sigh which formed mist on the glass. “Oh Eunji…” was all he could say in the end.

He wished he could tell her more. He wished he could tell her that he too had planned everything out for her. To marry her, to make her happy, to make all that pain disappear. But right at that moment, he was as lost and stranded as she was, and in his mind, a small voice kept screeching at him, growing louder and louder with every breath. ‘You promised her!’

“You said you would fix it, you told me things would be alright” Came Eunji’s voice from the other end; small and powerless. Sung Gyu felt his heart constrict. He was all at fault. He didn’t know what else to tell her, afraid that anymore promises he would make would drag her further and further away from him than she already was. But still he found himself telling her; “I will fix them. I will make them alright”

Sung Gyu couldn’t even trust his own voice, at that point. He felt as if he was lying right through his teeth.

“I can’t….” Eunji muttered, and a small sob followed. He clenched his hand so hard against the windowsill, feeling himself breaking apart. “I can’t do with your optimism, Sung Gyu, it doesn’t feel real anymore”

He went quiet at that, not having anything to say in his defense. She was right in every sense. There was nothing that his optimism could fix, unless it had a definite answer.

“What…” Sung Gyu started when he finally found his voice again. “What exactly did they say?”

Another small sob followed, ripping his heart into shreds. “It’s all been planned. His mother had hired a wedding planner and I never even knew when that had happened. The day, the place, the guests…it’s all been decided, and…”

As Eunji spoke to him in a small, heartbreaking voice, Sung Gyu sat on the window sill and allowed all her words to sink into his mind. It sounded as if she’d been pulled into a trap and he’d willing pushed her into it. Although there wasn’t a sense of verbal accusation there, he could tell that she still blamed him for everything. It was evident in her voice. The wedding, which was to happen in another two weeks, was going to be simple and small with only a few close friends and relatives invited, and in Busan which was both her and Howon’s hometown. It all sounded like a perfect plan. All the arrangements so perfectly executed and most importantly, timely managed. Perhaps, Howon’s mother thought she wouldn’t be around for too long to see her only son getting married to the one he loved, or she really did put herself in the position of deciding everything that happened in his life.

Hearing all that Eunji had to say, however, Sung Gyu realized that the case was most probably the latter.

“I don’t know what to do, Sung Gyu, I feel like I’ve walked myself into a trap” Eunji told him in the end, exactly what he’d felt. “They’re now doing everything without even my consent…”

Sung Gyu, himself, was unable to form a coherent response. He’d never thought things were that bad, that they could go out of hand so fast. But he realized that he should have seen it coming from the beginning. The Lee Howon he knew wouldn’t do anything out of impulse. He did everything according to his own agenda, one which nobody else around him knew or were involved in. His mother, on the other hand, was a cruel mastermind of sorts who decided more than half the things in his life. Her complexity, somehow went beyond everything that set the boundaries and it was uncertain where her abilities were limited to, despite herself. Sung Gyu felt like an idiot. A powerless idiot. He could have worked this out ages ago; but all he had the strength to do was being a coward and running away.

And now they’ve come down to this point. It was all is fault.

“I don’t want to do this anymore, it doesn’t feel like my life now” Eunji muttered, her voice was soft and low, as if she had already relented herself to everything that her fate held against her.

“I’m…I’m sorry, Eunji” Sung Gyu told her the only thing he could think of telling her. “And I…I would fix things, I would fix everything, and then the two of us can-,”

“The two of us can what?” She breezed, interrupting him, her voice coated with exhaustion. “I’m not sure what’s left for us to do right now. And frankly I regret…I regret having listened to you that moment. I know it would have been a wholly big mess if I had rejected him. But then at least I would have been true to myself, Sung Gyu. At least I wouldn’t be in a place I didn’t want to be…”

Sung Gyu pursed his lips into a thin line, his fingers pressed so hard between his eyes as if the very gesture would make the pain go away. In a way, she was right. Had she rejected him at that moment, despite what the world had to say, it would still have been the truth. Sung Gyu realized that no matter how much he believed himself to have changed, he would still and forever be that coward who was afraid of everything the world had to say. And his fear for that baseless, selfish worldly judgement had yet again put himself and her into a place where they can hardly fix the damage it caused.

All he could do at that moment was feel apologetic, lost and ashamed. All he could say to her, yet again, was that he was sorry. But she wouldn’t have that. Not again, no. Eunji needed answers.

“I’m…I don’t know, really. I don’t think I want to hear you apologizing again. It doesn’t make much difference…” A deep sigh, a soft rustle followed and Sung Gyu leaned against the wall beside the window, trying his best to keep himself from falling apart. There was nothing which made more sense than what she just told him. Apologizing would never make any difference now. “And I think it will be better for us to be apart for a while, at least until we figure things out…” She muttered, on an end note, and that was the moment his world completely fell apart.

“Eunji-ah…” was all he could say; not to stop her, not to hold her back, because he knew he was at fault and that it was his part to fix things. But only, he didn’t know how or what to do except for letting her go.

“Good night” She whispered to him, and only after the line went dead that he found his voice to mutter in response; “I love you more”

Kim Sung Gyu simply wasn’t someone who could take heartbreaks well. It was either that he wasn’t made for it; or that he didn’t try growing stronger after the first one had consumed him whole. The only string which held him together, as it happened, was the reassurance that his heart was naturally giving him, that it wasn’t a break up. It wasn’t the end.

He tried to go about his day the next morning as naturally as he could. After all, he had lived without her for a couple of months already, and instead of falling apart he had learned to accept things and somehow let the time heal everything. Perhaps, like this, with some time apart he might be able to work out what he could say and do. Perhaps, by the end of day one itself, he would know how to stop what was planned for another two weeks in a way that he could spare everyone involved from getting hurt.

The reality, however, was vastly different from how he imagined. He supposed that things have changed so much since he parted from her the first time and met again as lovers. Back then, he didn’t know the taste of her lips enough to miss them on his own, the sound of her breezy whispers in cold nights to miss hearing her in his ears, and the wild beating of her heart under the pads of his thumbs when they rested against her ribcage as he boldly kissed along her neck. He didn’t know these enough back then to miss her. And now, it was all he could think of. She was all he could think of. His days were going to be darker than he had initially imagined them to be.

Missus Yoon was the first one to take note of his cloudy mood but she didn’t ask him anything beyond if he was okay, at which point he had shaken his head ‘no’, told her nothing more than that aside from leaving the question mark hung in the air, his flask of piping hot coffee in his hands. Sung Jae, of course, as always took notice of everything and tried to brighten the mood somehow by talking about school, science projects, the school musical preparation and everything else that he tried his best to concentrate on. However, towards the end he shamefully failed. Sung Gyu dropped him off to school, took a detour around the city to just think about things and headed off to work a little too late than intended.

As it happened, Sung Gyu wasn’t the only one feeling under the cloud on that day. Junhyung came to work even later than he did, looking like he’d lost his entire fortune overnight. He didn’t say much during the team briefing which was long overdue thanks to the two late comers and he had straight away gone and locked himself up in his office for the rest of the day. Sung Gyu had always been convinced that he spent a double life. But he had never found himself wondering if his double life also involved two other families to feed and raise and possibly million dollars in debt.

Sung Gyu was is in the break room, getting a coffee refill into his flask when Hyung Dong and their photographer confronted him. They didn’t ask him much, as they should have. Neither was he planning on divulging too much detail on them either way. They just wanted him to come over to the interrogation room since the break room wasn’t private enough and left him annoyed as ten times as he already was.

When he actually went to the interrogation room after having fought off the second thoughts about it, he found himself forced inside along with Junhyung and the door clicked lock behind him. It was either that Junhyung had committed a crime and Sung Gyu was supposed to investigate him. Or on a more realistic scenario, Hyun Dong was convinced that the two were fighting.

The latter happened to be the case.

Sung Gyu was pretty sure that his boss and the young photographer was on the other side of the glass, closely watching them and paying attention to everything they did or talked about. It wasn’t like the two of them had personal disputes anyway. Sung Gyu, as always, was having problems in his despondent love life and Junhyung…well, whatever the kind of trouble he was having.

Sung Gyu sat on the opposite side to his friend, clasped his hands together and stared. Junhyung did the same for a while before he spoke in a tired voice.

“Are we going to tell them that we’re not fighting?” Asked Junhyung, perhaps blissfully unaware that the two were listening to them on the other side.

“Suppose not” Sung Gyu shrugged, without bothering to break the bubble.

A moment of quietness ensued, during which Sung Gyu wondered if he should ask his friend the inevitable question, and decided for it, since although he hated the bastard for the most part, he still immensely loved him enough to willing be of support whenever he had to.

“Are you going to tell me what’s up with you?”

Junhyung stared at him for a split of a moment and reiterated the question himself.

Sung Gyu should have known it was coming, would he ask what was troubling him. He thought it out for a moment and came to a resolve. He turned to face the two-way mirror and spoke firmly. “Can you two please leave us alone?”

“What the hell are they doing there?” Bellowed Junhyung angrily and Sung Gyu shrugged before the door opened to the interrogation room and Hyun Dong poked his head in, like he did into other people’s businesses time to time. “As long as you two aren’t fighting” He said.

“I know whom I will be fighting now!” Exclaimed Junhyung, and the door closed, followed by the languid shuffling of shoe clad feet which soon disappeared. Thus, the two friends were ed into a room of darkness and utter silence. Sung Gyu observed Junhyung for a while, the other did the same before he raised his brows challengingly. “Well?”

Sung Gyu looked down at his clasped hands and sighed. “Eunji and I had a fight”

Junhyung was quiet for a while, and when Sung Gyu raised his head, the other was smirking condescendingly as if them having a fight wasn’t even something to be upset about. “What?” Sung Gyu asked.

“You’re more dramatic than all the sappy evening dramas combined”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sung Gyu attacked in return.

Junhyung rolled his eyes and placed his palms flat on the table before him. “Look, you can’t expect relationships to be kisses and cuddles all the time. Sometimes its arguments and make up , just deal with it”

Sung Gyu shook his head and ran a hand through his dark hair. “It…it isn’t that simple” Another long sigh while Junhyung waited for him to elaborate, and-, “Well, long story short, she’s getting married…to another man in two weeks. And I kind of told her to give him the yes at that moment and it all backfired”

Junhyung blinked. “I’m not quite following you”

Sung gyu let out another heavy sigh. It looked like heaving disappointed, frustrated sighs were all he was capable of doing. “It…it’s like…ugh I’ll tell you another time. It’s just too messy right now”

Junhyung did this annoying mono-brow thing of his which made him feel like squaring across his face. Yet, he said nothing, which was a relief and also an indication that the man hardly cared. It was good in a way, although Sung Gyu felt as if his own problems were considered trivial against his own. But he decided not to address it. He straight ahead went onto ask what troubled the other.

A moment of quietness followed, and it stretched out for a long time. Sung Gyu tried to read his body language, took notice of the twitch in his eyes, the beads of sweat forming on his forehead and the way he clasped his hands. For one strange moment he thought Junhyung had indeed committed a crime. But then, he lifted his head to look at Sung gyu, a slightest fleeting glance, and his eyes averted as he spoke in a small, meekly voice Sung Gyu never imagined would be coming from him.

“Sung gyu…I…I have a child”

The room fell quiet and Sung Gyu stared at his friend for far too long than he intended to. A child. Junhyung had a child.

“Since when?” He asked the other.

“Since…since five years ago…”

And the look in his eyes as he said this was so melancholic that Sung Gyu felt a mixture of emotions at that moment. Aggravated, in a sense, given that he was a father himself and pity, on one hand that the man had had to keep this truth hidden, perhaps as long as the child had existed in his life. “So, the child is five years old” Sung Gyu clarified, and Junhyung only nodded, averting his eyes.

“Where is he now?” He asked, though, deep down he felt he probably knew the answer.

And when he lifted his gaze finally, Sung Gyu knew it, Junhyung didn’t even have to word it out for him to understand. The child was in the orphanage that they went to for the volunteering project; and that evening when he disappeared after having told him that he had things to do, that’s where he had been.

“I…I support him financially, to be honest. I did for the past five years” Junhyung started before Sung Gyu even asked him anything. “I looked into his education, I spend on all his needs. The only thing I didn’t do is…” he trailed off and clasped his hands so hard that the knuckles turned white. It must have been so hard on him. Sung Gyu remembered, still, how life used to be for him. “I couldn’t be a father for him…. but now…”

“You do want to be a father” Sung Gyu finished for him.

Junhyung nodded slowly in response, appearing as if he was about to fall apart. Sung Gyu had never seen him this so…vulnerable before. Junhyung always gave off a tough, unyielding demeanor, one that only suited someone who dealt with the battered and the dead on a daily basis. But Sung Gyu realized now that walls could be penetrated even for strongest and the toughest when fatherhood came into their lives.

“What made you change your mind?” Sung Gyu asked him slowly and watched as the other’s expression perceptibly changed. He softened up and gazed up at Sung Gyu, a small smile on his face. “You”

Sung gyu fell quiet at that, and Junhyung continued. “When I…when I saw how you’re with your son, I wanted to try it myself. I realized that I was a coward and I have never met anyone as brave as you to make me realize that”

“I’m not…brave, Junhyung” Sung Gyu mumbled, feeling overwhelmed by a compliment he didn’t think he deserved.

“I’m being honest, Gyu” Junhyung told him, his voice coated with sincerity, a tone completely different from what he was used to. “Never in my life had I met someone who walked through the difficulties of single parenthood as bravely as you do. You are an inspiration, you know…”

“Junhyung…” Sung Gyu mumbled, feeling his ears warming up.

The truth was that he couldn’t quite understand how Junhyung could have possibly deemed him as a ‘brave’ person. His entire life, Sung Gyu’s thought he was pretty weak. He was emotionally unstable, about to break apart upon every problem he’d face in life. He’d lost himself countless times, and there’s been way too many occasions where he needed someone’s support to put the shattered pieces of himself back together. In that sense, he hadn’t really felt however would a brave person would feel. In fact, he’d constantly wondered if he was a complete weakling.

“I know what you’re thinking right now” Junhyung interrupted his train of thoughts, at which point Sung Gyu looked up at him, surprised. “You might not have realized it, but you have pulled through lots of things, and now you’re here…”

Sung Gyu opened his mouth to respond, to tell him that it probably wasn’t the case, but Junhyung beat it to him.

“Don’t think I haven’t known or taken notice of things…” He raised his brows knowingly, and then released a great big sigh as if he was finally relieved to have set down a burden that’s been holing him down for so long. “In any case…” He went on, now his eyes averted, hands yet again, clasped tight. “…I want to try. I want to be the father I could never really be for him. Because, after all, he’s my child. And its high time that I stop running away and take his responsibility to my own hands”

And Sung Gyu wanted to tell him how it truly felt, to stop being a coward, to stop running away and finally face the reality head on like a real man would. He’d done that, and frankly he’d never regret that decision. It’s been the only best decision he had ever made in his life. There was a big chance, back then, where he would have ended up in the same place as Junhyung, perhaps even worse given how mentally weak Sung Gyu could get. But he was immensely glad that things turned out in the way that they did. Still, he didn’t tell him what it felt like. He only encouraged him the best way he could. Because fatherhood, for him, had always been an experience that he simply couldn’t put into words. It was an adventure of a lifetime, and he was happy that Junhyung was finally allowing some color seep into his life.

“And Gyu…” Junhyung called in the end, cutting into Sung Gyu’s train of thoughts. “Whatever’s going on right now, you will get through it. I know that you will; only because I’ve seen you getting through worse”

Junhyung didn’t wait for him to respond, which was great because Sung Gyu was too flustered to do himself. It wasn’t that Sung Gyu wasn’t someone so open with his emotions. He supposed he was quite the opposite. Junhyung on the other hand…well, it’s safe to say that this had been by far the strangest conversation they’ve ever had.

The rest of the day passed by faster than he imagined it would. They had to travel a bit far out of the main city to investigate an assault that had taken place among a gang of some sort, and it was an interesting case that he was pretty much distracted from everything related to his life for the time being. Come evening however, as soon as he reached home and opened the door to an empty home (Sung Jae was over at Jun Myung’s) he was taken over by an overwhelming sense of emptiness and longing. He suddenly realized that there would no longer be late night telephone conversations in throaty whispers and shared little secrets or sudden, unexpected turn ups in the night. For the longest time, he allowed for that thought to sink in, and then he dropped his stuff in his room and took off to the house next door.

A couple of days passed by likewise. He couldn’t really keep track on them, all for the fact that he hated to count for how long they haven’t spoken to each other. Sung Gyu felt increasingly lonely and aggravated every passing day. Numerous times he had picked up his phone with the intent to call her, to listen to her voice just once. He’d braved himself up to do exactly that (after a can of beer maybe) but all he could hear was her voice on the voicemail, and it was strangely comforting to hear her at least in that way. He’d also wondered if he should head over to Gangnam and see her, work things out with Howon, perhaps, and just try. But every time this thought appeared, he’d be stuck, wondering what exactly he could do or say. For three or four days, perhaps? He sat with the same predicament, his thoughts running wild. After so much of contemplation, somehow, he came to a resolve. A resolve he initially hadn’t wanted to go ahead with but had no choice as of then.

On one particular night of that week, having drowned a can of beer to let his mind veer off its natural ways, Sung Gyu picked up his phone and sent a quick text to Howon. ‘You and I need to talk’ was all he said. Not a time, nor a date, nor a reason. As soon as he sent it, he regretted it. He felt like the biggest idiot on earth. He wanted to reverse everything, perhaps, all the way back to Woohyun’s wedding day and maybe simply run away with Eunji so that the whole proposal incident wouldn’t have happened. But then, late into the night, he received a text message from Howon himself. “Would love to. Tomorrow, 6.00, the same old place”

Sung Gyu didn’t have to remind himself what he meant by the same old place. Despite everything, Sung Gyu and Howon had been close acquaintances. Although they had a bit of trouble over at work (and like, let’s face it. Everyone hated Howon as a team leader) the six of them still were close friends and buddies over drinks and meals in odd occasions. They had a place that they always hung out after work, where Howon’s usual tough skin would peal off and his real persona would come out. Sung Gyu kind of missed those days; and his heart felt heavy with nostalgia. He didn’t want to lose Howon as much as he didn’t want to lose Eunji. If only they had a right way around it.

That night, Sung Gyu could hardly sleep a blink. He wondered about so many things. About Howon, about Eunji, about his son, his parents, and even about Junhyung and his little boy who had remained a secret for the longest time. Then he wondered as to the reason why Junhyung would even think that Sung Gyu was an inspiration. It was great, incredibly so, that he could finally man up and take over the responsibility of single parenting. But who had inspired him to make that decision simply wasn’t the brave person he had imagined him to be. If anything, Sung Gyu was a coward. An idiot. Someone who couldn’t even protect his friends and love his girlfriend without restrictions. He wasn’t what everyone imagined him to be.

The next morning, he woke up feeling like he’d just been pulled out of a stampede and literally floated through the rest of the day. Sung Jae had after school musical rehearsals that he had to pick him up from school after work, and while he stayed outside the school gate, seated in his car, still feeling like he’s afloat, he did the mistake of picking up his phone and mindlessly dialing Eunji’s number. He did it out of habit, he supposed, since recently. Half of him was convinced that she’d pick up by some miracle and say something on the other end, and the other half of him only wanted to find solace in listening to her voice when the call goes into voice mail. That late afternoon, however, luck was on his side. By some miracle, his fate changed direction and all of a sudden, the phone clicked, and her voice echoed into his ear.

“Hello?”

Instinctively, he would have dropped his phone; cut off the line, possibly. Or made a desperate escape of some sort, too overwhelmed by an unexpected mixture of emotions upon the completely unexpected twist of fate. But he did none of that, he did the most sensible thing he could do. He spoke to her. He spoke to her as calmly and softly as a person in his state could possibly do.

“Eunji…”

The line went quiet, and he’d thought she had already cut off the line if it wasn’t for the gentle sound of her breathing on the other end. They remained quiet like this for a longest time, all until he heard a voice in the background, one that he wasn’t exactly familiar with. “Eunji-Ssi, the dress is ready”

The dress. The wedding. Sung Gyu felt his heart constrict. He wanted to tell her something; even worse, he wanted her to tell him something, anything to sooth the excruciating pain in his heart, to give him an ounce of comfort through her voice. He could only grasp tighter onto his phone, as if the small action itself would somehow keep her from drifting away.

“I’ve got to go” Her voice cut through the silence all of a sudden, and his hand slowly loosened on the phone. “Oh Eunji…”

She didn’t say anything, yet again. He could hear her breathe. There were voices, loads of them; and the woman was loudly giving orders in the background. He could catch odd words then and there. The lace, the bodice and some other words he didn’t exactly understand. After a moment, she reiterated. “I…I have to go”

“Wait” Sung Gyu muttered, and he was baffled himself by just how pleading his voice sounded at that very moment. Eunji waited, nevertheless. He could tell by how the sound of her breath still remained over the line. So, he gathered all the remaining courage he had, and closed his eyes tightly. One hand wrapped around the steering wheel and his knuckles turned white against it. He let out a heavy sigh and told her the only thing that he wanted her to know. “Eunji…I love you”

It could have been only him; perhaps, his ears were playing an illusion on him, if that was even possible. But he could swear, just before the line went dead, he heard it; a small sob erupting on the other end.

The next few hours passed by with him, yet again, mindlessly floating through it. His anxiety kicked in as the meeting with Howon grew closer and closer, and one part of his mind was desperately wondering how he could possibly start talking to him about the current predicament that he was in. No matter how hard he tried to feel brave about it, he kept increasingly feeling like the biggest coward. On the other hand, the last conversation he had with Eunji, her voice, the sound of her breath and the little sob he heard towards the end kept playing in his mind. It grew louder and louder over the sound of his own inner voice telling him thousand things he didn’t want to hear but he had no choice to. He could hardly concentrate on anything that he practically floated through the rest of the day. Sung Jae talked to him about the musical rehearsals on their way back home and Sung Gyu tried his best to focus on every little thing he said and responding when it was necessary. He dropped him off over at Jun Myung’s and bid goodbye to Missus Yoon before he climbed back into his car and hit the road, on his way to Gangnam; a past he left behind.

By the time he arrived at the destination, it was a little too early for the meeting. He made his way through the fairly crowded diner towards the back at the very end of the place, and the bar tender who immediately recognized him chatted him up for a moment yet stopped once he realized that Sung Gyu really wasn’t up for it. He poured him his usual; a heavily diluted vodka with orange juice and Sung Gyu downed it slowly, allowing the time pass and fighting the urge to have something stronger.

Exactly at six, right on time, Howon’s lean dark figure pushed through the crowd and approached him. Despite the time they’ve spent apart, he looked exactly the same; only except that there were heavy circles of exhaustion around his eyes. And his smile was weaker, hardly reaching his eyes.

“Hyung…” He greeted with a slight bow, and Sung Gyu greeted back, feeling a tight knot forming inside the pit of his stomach. His slipped into the stool beside him, and the bartender put together the usual order for Howon, and Sung Gyu got himself chilled bear, realizing that he needed something stronger if he was to go about what could be the next most difficult decision of his life.

They were quiet as they drank, and Howon occasionally asked him about his life. Sung Gyu answered him slowly, quietly; making sure he didn’t reveal anything unnecessary, and Sung Gyu asked about his I return, at which point he hardly divulged anything that could be deemed as too personal. Soon, they fell quiet as the inevitable conversation slowly slipped into the air between them.

“Hyung…” He started slowly, and Sung Gyu braved himself, despite feeling incredibly anxious, to face the other man. Howon’s eyes were fixed solely on the glass he held. “Hyung I…actually I have to tell you something…”

Sung Gyu remained quiet, feeling the atmosphere between them slowly changing. It was subtle at first, but there was something about the way Howon looked at him, the way he averted his eyes and the way he held himself which made Sung Gyu strongly feel as if the conversation he had had in his mind wasn’t going to happen after all. It appeared almost as if…Howon had a problem of his own. The one who was truly, absolutely aggravated, as of that moment, as it happened, was not him.

“What is it, Howon-ah?” Sung Gyu willed himself, finally, to awaken his voice as the younger seemed to truly need it.

Howon looked over at him, and immediately averted his eyes, almost as if he was afraid to meet his gaze. His shoulders fell slack, hands tightened around the glass he held, lips pursed into a thin line, and he let out a heavy breath as if the entire world was holding him down.

“Hyung…to be honest, hyung…I-” He started, hesitated for a moment too long, and tried to meet his gaze.

“I’m listening” Sung Gyu urged him to go on. But then, Howon looked at him, their eyes met, and he held his gaze for the longest time.

Author's note

Hello all,

First of all, a big, big, big apology for keeping you waiting for far too long. It's almost been two months since the last update and i feel you might have even given up on this silly story of mine. Nonetheless, in hopes some of you might still remember, I have updated for you. It isn't the greatest chapter but I still hope you enjoyed it. i'm sorry if I disappointed you. This isn't how I initially had this chapter planned but then I had a bit of a problem in splitting the chapters. The part I have given you had long since been written, yet regretfully I took too long to realise that this is where the chapter should end and went on writing. I suppose I was a little too greedy there, or maybe i just wanted to give you more. Whatever comes.

I know that I end up giving excuses every time I take too long, and I'm really sorry that I have to do it this once as well. It's not an easy job to keep your favoutrite people (fans) from leaving but its inevitable and can't hold them back. For those who still stayed, I love you. Those who couldn't, I still love you. No hard feelings there. I have more than one reason why this chapter took too long. Most of you, if not all of you know what they could be so I guess I don't have to repeat and remind you, bringing back some painful memories. Yet, so many pleasant things happened during that span of time and I could say it was a time period filled with memories sweet and bitter, memories which would stay with me as long as my time would last. I take this an opportunity to tell you, yet again, thank you so much for making those few days beautiful and memorable. I hope another similar time would come on our way again and we'd be happier than we were.

Other than that, work happened and i'm not so good at compartmentelizing things so I hardly had time to write. I felt terrible and terribly scared I would lose you. You all are the most important people in my life, the greatest gift that life (and Infinite, or you could say Infinite is life, however you like to take it) had given me and I would give my best, my everything to protect and cherish you. Although work is giving me a hard time, I'm still holding on. I guess I'm doing that all thanks to you.

For a final note, I know that we're going through a hard time right now. We've come to, I'd say, a phase in our lives where we're being taught how to wait, how to let go and how to hold on to the last fiber of a connection we have with a loved one who had moved far away. This little advice I give you now is not only applicapable to he whom we love so dearly but anyone and anything in life. This is the rule that I live by. Just think about what waits at the end of this road. We've come on the same lane for some time and there's been harsh turns, falls and barriers along the way, but now we've been suddenly ed onto a completely different road. Regardless of just how unfamiliar this road is for you, just how difficult and tiring and painful it is to walk through it, hold on, walk along and stick together with everyone who's taking this tough path along with you. The journey might not be easy, but the destination will always be beautiful.

We're doing a big wait, perhaps the biggest for some of us in our young life. When it gets hard, just always remember that we're waiting for someone who is simply worth waiting for.

I'm sorry for the long author's note, but i suppose it had to be done. I will try to update the final chapter as soon as possible. Thank you, yet again, for staying with me. I love you all. And if you need anyone to talk to, share your worries, just about anything, I might be across the world but I would always cross the ocean for you.

Lots and lots of love,

Achini.