“You know, sometimes I feel like Sung Jae really hates me” Eunji told him one cold autumn night as they lied in bed together. She had her back to him, both their hands intervened on her belly as he mindlessly caressed her over the soft material of her dress. Outside, the rain pattered on; a rhythmic, distinct lullaby in his ears. It was late in the night, he assumed his son had gone to sleep already.

“What made you think so?” Sung Gyu asked her quietly in response, his eyes focused somewhere beyond the window in front of them. All he could see was darkness and perhaps a slightest patch of yellow inflicted by the streetlights down below.

“No particular reason” She muttered, and a deep sigh followed as she slowly turned in his arms. He moved back, giving her the much-needed space. Eunji was just about three weeks away from her due date, and as days passed it was becoming difficult for her to do even the most menial tasks, like turning to her back on the bed. He helped her carefully to shift her weight onto her back, and once she did, her expanded abdomen appeared a large, round globe above her. He quietly laid a hand on top of her and stared down at her, urging her to continue. She quietly laid the tips of her fingers on his neck, distracted. “Well…It’s probably only me but I really feel he’s not very fond of…the baby”

“The baby?” Sung Gyu raised his brows. If he was to be entirely honest, Sung Gyu barely had the time to pay attention to anything that’s been going on at home. Sung Jae, now a fifteen-year-old hot-blooded teenager, appeared to have a lot going on in his mind. For a couple of months now, due to his father’s sudden illness, it’s been Eunji who’d taken care of him the most. Sung Gyu had returned late in the night, left home in the morning and spent all his weekends at the hospital, by his father’s side; but Eunji, who’d been close to their son a lot more than he had, probably knew a lot better of him than Sung Gyu himself did. He had a tinge of guilt, he wouldn’t deny that. Taking care of Sung Jae was an especially arduous task. His personality took a hundred-and-eighty turn as soon as he hit puberty, and now reading through his emotions and telling what he could possibly be up to was as difficult as turning over a mountain. He was guilty that he’d left it all in Eunji’s hands.

“Hm” Eunji continued, her fingers threading through his own on top of her hard belly. He lied down beside her, gazing at the side of her face, listening to her attentively as he could. “Don’t take me wrong, our boy is still a sweet child. But I don’t know…I felt he’d started to distance himself a bit more…after the school incident”

He couldn’t recall that particular incident clearly, since there’s been more incidents than one happening in his life for the past couple of months, but he could associate the sentiment of the incident she was referring to quite well. Since recently, his son who’d never had an iota of violence inside him, had started getting involved in school fights; with juniors at that. Sung Gyu wanted to be convinced that it was all hormones and teenage liberty taking a toll on him; every boy in his age would get into a fight or two at school. Sung Gyu had his own experiences himself. But naturally as any parent would, he and Eunji were worried over the edge. He, quite frankly, didn’t care for whatever they were fighting about. All he was worried about was how his son returned home battered and bruised more often than not. Regardless, with the little attention he could afford to pay on his child, he hadn’t failed to notice this evident crevise forming between them and their son; almost as if…he hated to think that it was the reason, but it was almost as if he had developed a resentment of some sort towards his parents, his mother and perhaps even his little sibling on the way.

Sung Gyu had heard about this particular notion before, where the older child developed a sort of hatred towards their parents upon the arrival of a new member into their family, especially if they’ve been the only child for quite so long; but he didn’t know to what extent it applied for children in their teens, or whether it even did happen to children in their teens. What worried him the most was that Sung Jae would be somehow convinced that his baby sister was a replacement for him, that his parents would be inclined to love her more than they loved him. For some reason, almost everything that the boy had told him had strike to Sung Gyu differently, the meaning that echoed in his mind was totally different. For some reason, Sung Gyu felt as if the fact that Sung Jae came from a different mother stood as a hindrance between them, that the fact that there was finally going to be someone coming from the mother of the family, taking away the place he rightfully owned, would take Sung Jae further away from him. Sung Gyu despised the possibilities. Above everything, he was scared that he’d lose him in the process of it all.

He took a deep, soundly breath and pulled her closer against him. “Perhaps we’re thinking too much, Eunji, perhaps it’s just the usual teenage drama that we’d never understand” He told her, but he felt that it was more of an attempt to convince himself than being truthful of how he felt.

Eunji’s grasp on his hand tightened a little more. “I really, really hope….” She trailed off, and then slowly, she turned to face him, her baby bump taking the space between them. “I hope he doesn’t think we’d love him any less…. that’s what scares me the most…”

“We’ll make sure that he doesn’t feel that way” He muttered to her softly, his own mind, despite his optimism, deeply entangled with the very same thought. What if Sung Jae was convinced that they didn’t love him enough? What if he thought the coming of the baby was his replacement? Sung Gyu couldn’t even imagine what he would possibly do if that turned out to be the case. It was so hard to tell by how guarded Sung Jae was with his emotions, the sheer amount of it that he let show if it was even anything to go by. Sung Jae wasn’t as transparent with emotions as Sung Gyu had always been himself, wearing a mask so impenetrable that it made him a different person entirely. What if, behind that mask, his little boy was deeply hurting? What if he was crying and searching for warmth that Sung Gyu might fail to deliver for the reason that he was completely unaware of it all?

“I love him so much, Eunji” Sung Gyu found himself admitting to his wife as they lied quietly in each other’s embrace. He couldn’t remember the last time that he’d told that to the boy himself, and there was nothing that he regretted more. “I love him so, so much and I hate it that he’s so guarded…that we can’t just-get to him anymore”

“What if…it’s all my fault?” Eunji said after a moment of contemplative silence. Sung Gyu inhaled deeply, his hand in hers tightening even more. Sung Gyu noticed, tears had welled in her eyes. “I’ve always been afraid that I was, perhaps, interluding something. It’s been you and Sung Jae all along…”

“Sweetheart” He whispered, trailing a hand down her cheek. “Now, you know that it isn’t true…he accepted you, he and I both agreed on it that we do”

“But what if…what if that was no longer the case?” She added in a small voice and Sung Gyu could literally feel his heart breaking inside him. Sung Jae might have drifted away from them, he might be slowly becoming a different person entirely. But there will always, always be a large fragment of the boy he used to be, and that fragment will never allow himself to hurt her, Sung Gyu was certain, he never would.

“Ssh…you’re just thinking too much…” He told her and laid a gentle kiss on the side of her head. “And if any consolation, I will talk to him. I will get him to open up, somehow…”

“We’ve tried so many times…” She muttered, averting her eyes away from him.

“We just have to try harder…” He muttered, the determination growing grim and strong inside him. “After all, Eunji, Sung Jae is still a child”

Eunji exhaled loudly as she closed her eyes in response. “He’s still a child. That’s exactly what it is…”

He caressed the back of her head, unable to reply to her any further. He couldn’t say that their sentiments weren’t similar. Perhaps, they have always been. That was why they were compatible, anyway. But he always felt that Eunji’s worries were stronger. She was in a vulnerable position. Pregnancy and the new changes it brought along weren’t easy. After having been traumatized by her previous experience, Sung Gyu didn’t think she’d even be prepared to take that challenge again. In that cold December nine months ago, when Eunji had approached him, a bundle of hopes in her hands, Sung Gyu had been ecstatic; no words could explain just how happy she’d made him feel. What he realized, months later, was that he hadn’t really thought much about how Eunji really felt about it, how well she’d be able to handle it herself. He regretted not paying enough attention. He felt as if he simply didn’t love her enough. Perhaps that was the reason why they lost in their previous attempt. And for that reason, he loved and cared for her dearly, did everything that he could in the best of his abilities, and secretly wished he could voluntarily carry the weight for her.

And now he wanted to carry the weight in her heart himself.

But Sung Jae’s never been a weight or a burden for them. Sung Gyu had always thought that he was a perfect child, a blessing. There’s never been a time when he’d ever caused any trouble to them. He was good in his studies, involved himself in sports and club activities which had no harm to anyone, didn’t have a large circle of friends, and at school he was loved by everyone. He’d been to his parent-teacher meetings, only to be told that there was nothing for him to be worried about. Sung Jae had his entire life mapped out before himself, much like Sung Gyu in his younger days had had himself. Sung Gyu knew for a fact that it would be largely different, his life, from what he’d planned out. But it was a comfort knowing that the child knew what he was doing and what he wanted. He wasn’t like any other kid. He was perfect. But only except that, like any other child, he’d begun to change, and now Sung Gyu didn’t know anything anymore.

“I wish he never grew up” He said suddenly before he could stop himself. That was exactly the sentiment he had. “I wish Sung Jae stayed ten years old forever”

Eunji was thoughtful for a moment, almost as if she was contemplating his words. “I…I wouldn’t want that, to be honest” She said in the end. “It would be nice to see him grow tall and handsome, see him graduate, find his first girlfriend…”

Sung Gyu took a deep breath and raised above her. “But is it all worth it if this is how he’s going to be?”

Eunji stared at him for a moment, and for his surprise, she smiled. “Don’t worry…he’d change. It’s you who always told me that things change for the best, wasn’t it? It’s really hard for all three of us right now…perhaps he’s just preserving himself”

He thought about it for a second and tilted his head. “Well…”

“Hm?”

Sung Gyu looked down at his wife, at the fine contours of her face, blossoming beautifully as motherhood changed her life. She was perfect. Life wouldn’t have been the same if not for her, and he was glad, beyond words, that he had her beside him to walk through everything that’s been going on around him. He smiled down at her, cradling her head in his arms and kissed on the tip of her nose. “Aren’t you so awfully optimistic?” He muttered against her lips, and she smiled softly before he swooped down and claimed her lips.

He kissed her, sweet, long and slow; his eyes shut close and fingers caressing her, drowning himself in the universe that she’s created. Every time he kissed her, it still felt like the first time; on a garden swing somewhere in the cold, cold early winter, her face in his hands and the sweet taste of her upon his lips. No matter how long it’s been since then, he’d realized, nothing has changed. His love for her only grew, blossomed and nurtured through every big and little experience in their lives together, him discovering something new, strong and resilient about her every time he would fall. She’d become his strength, but at times his weakness. The strangest combination of attributes that he’s been ever entailed with.

As his hand rested on the globe of her abdomen, her fingers curled through his own, holding onto each other as if it was their own little secret, shared with not a word but a single breadth of a touch. He breathed her in, felt her resiliently coursing through every inch of his being, and he knew, strongly than ever, that as long as he had her in his life, everything was going to be fine.

He pulled away from her only after he felt a soft movement beneath his hand. It was like a miracle, an enthralling surprise. Every time he felt his little girl move underneath his gentle ministrations, he’d be astounded as he would be the very first time.

“Oh…” He whispered as he caressed her stomach gently, and though writhing in pain at the aftershock of a strong kick, Eunji started to laugh. “She’s so impatient, isn’t she?” He muttered, his voice sounding small and fascinated, his heart inflating with love.

“She really is” Eunji whispered in response, her hand unconsciously his own. “I think she’s feeling it, that she is being loved”

“Do they? Really?” He questioned, genuinely fascinated. During the nine months of her pregnancy he’d come across so many beguiling things that it carried along; like that time when Eunji suddenly craved for her sister’s cooking, the mood swings when she got annoyed by even the simplest things. The first time that Sung Gyu felt the baby kick underneath his palm, he was so surprised that he was worried perhaps the baby was feeling uncomfortable in there. And then he was genuinely confused by the way his mother marveled at the printed scan of the baby which was nothing but a blurry bunch of grey and black splodges. He wouldn’t say that to Eunji, obviously. She’d told him myriad times to read the parenting books that she’d bought for him just so he could be a bit more informative, but he just didn’t have the time to. On the other hand he realized it was even nicer when he learned about things through experience rather than reading about them.

“Hmm” Eunji nodded and his cheek lovingly as if he was a child learning something new for the very first time. “I read it somewhere that they get excited when they feel their mum being loved…it’s nice, isn’t it?”

“Oh…” Sung Gyu looked down at her abdomen, and then back at her smiling eyes. “That’s really…something…” he gulped hard then and gazed at the shape of her lips. She’s gotten prettier, he had to say. Her face was rounder and lips were fuller; her skin was so soft to the touch and her s, when they made love, felt full and warm in his hands. There were so many things in his life which was consecutively dragging him down; but as he lied in bed with her, made love to her softly and quietly deep into the night, all his worries would soon wash away.

He lowered himself carefully as he brought his lips onto hers, and they kissed again, gentle, deep and long, her humming against him joyfully and the baby reacting beneath his palms just the same. He whispered sweet nothings to her, she made quiet promises, that things were going to be alright. For a moment, for just that moment, he believed that they indeed, would be.

The next morning, he woke earlier than everybody else just as usual, prepared breakfast for them, greeted Dal with a kiss on his snout, gave him his food before going to the laundry room. It’s become a routine, now. As they couldn’t afford caretakers and no longer needed a baby sitter, most of the house hold errands were run by himself. He couldn’t possibly let Eunji do anything, and she couldn’t as walking and standing for long hours was no longer easy for her. He washed and ironed their clothes, made most of the meals, and usually it was the day’s evening chores that Eunji or Sung Jae together with her, had to run themselves. He picked the freshly washed and dried basket of laundry and proceeded to sort out their clothes so that Eunji or himself could fold them away when they had time. Then he picked up a shirt for himself along with Sung Jae’s cloths, ing them into a basket to be pressed. As he picked out Sung Jae’s uniform from the laundry basket, a tinge of nostalgia ignited inside him. His shirt had a few buttons missing and there was a small rip near the inner part of the sleeves. Sung Jae has never had his uniform dirtied or ripped. He’d always been a model student, and the only time his clean white shirts would have a spec of dirt on them was when he played basket ball or did his drawings. But since lately Sung Gyu had found so many of his shirts ripped, dirtied or a few buttons missing, as if he’d been getting into fights every other day. And he wouldn’t even talk about how his face looked like. He wished he knew how to fix a missing button but unfortunately there was only so much that he could do. With a deep sigh, his mind rooted somewhere else, he proceeded to iron the clothes away.

When he went down to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, Eunji was already up and inspecting the food that he’d left on the stove. Her expanded stomach was hindering her from reaching the stove, but yet she tried her best, one hand pressed onto her back as if to support the weight and bent backwards, her dressing gown fallen miserably down behind her. Sung Gyu leaned against the frame of the door and watched her for a moment, his heart at peace. Years ago, he wouldn’t have imagined himself in the precise moment, watching his wife tasting a stew he’d made and muttering to herself about how it would have tasted better with some more salt in. It was still a strange sight for him, sometimes, although so many years had passed. Almost surreal. This was not how he had initially planned his life after Yoora left him, and the turn that it had taken to come to this moment was truly incredible.

“Oh, didn’t even see you there” She said, bringing him back from his train of thoughts. Dal had yet again disappeared back into their son’s room as he always did, leaving the two of them alone in the room. Sung Gyu smiled, crossed the kitchen and approached her before hugging her from the back, and he pressed a kiss on her cheek. “You smell nice, how are you?”

“Heavy” Eunji sighed, resting a hand on her stomach. “The stew needed a bit more salt so I fixed it”

“Of course” He grinned and kissed her again. “Only you know the best”

Eunji smiled in return. “Go on and fix the table, Jae will be down soon”

And so began the day for the three of them. It was after they had set he table and also started their usual conversations that they heard the familiar noise coming from the doorway. Dal was always by Sung Jae’s feet every morning, leading the way despite his paining feet. Sung Jae followed after, his face pale and purple in some places, hair amess and a broody face. He put his bag by his feet and Sung Gyu placed a cup of rice in front of him. He had to fight the urge to fix his hair like he’d always done, his heart stricken at even the thought that somewhere in these five years, he had stopped being the father that he used to be.

“Morning, Jae” Eunji greeted and smiled perhaps the brightest she could. Sung Gyu immediately thought back to the conversation he’d had with her the previous night and waited expectantly for a response.

“Good morning…mum” He replied gruffly and Sung Gyu let out a sigh. That was good enough. That’s better than nothing. In some mornings he hadn’t even bothered to sit at the table with them, and he’d gone off to work with a terribly heavy heart.

“Anything new at school?”

“No” A mere mumble as he shook his head. Sung Gyu continued to quietly devour on his meal while surreptitiously eyeing the way that Sung Jae played with his food, taking small bites and deliberately chewing as if it was the last thing that he wanted to do. Sung Jae, as a growing boy, had a ravenous appetite. He did sports and had an ample of energy; the way he seemed to be taking his food worried Sung Gyu even more. He stared at his son for a moment, in his mind, asking and begging continuously ’What is in your mind, Sung Jae?’ He just wished he could know.

“Oh, and how is your club going? Did you tell them about your stories yet?” Eunji prodded on, and Sung Jae only shrugged in response. It was how their conversations had been for the past couple of weeks. They rarely had a chance to sit around and actually talk to each other, but when they actually did it was almost as if the two of them were prodding and clawing onto an impenetrable wall of glass standing before them. But Eunji wasn’t going to give up just yet.

“Do you have club or basket ball practices after school? If not, we can take Dal out together”

Sung Jae remained quiet, and it was as if the two of them were waiting for a bomb to drop. A couple of absolutely silent seconds passed, and Eunji tried again by slowly calling his name. At this point, however, Sung Jae seemed to have decided that he’d had enough. He dropped his utensils onto the table with a clatter and reached for his coat and his bag. “I have to go, thank you for the meal” he muttered, and without so much as waving goodbye to his parents, Sung Jae fled out the door. Dal followed him to the door and wearily returned to their side and flopped down by his feet. Both Sung Gyu and Eunji stared after the way he went; and a second later, he heaved a heavy sigh. The lump growing in his throat grew larger and larger until it didn’t let him breath anymore. He covered his face behind both his palms and stayed like that for the longest time.

When he went to work that morning, it was with yet another weight in his heart. His sister had called him that morning once he’d hit the road, only to tell him that his father had had a sudden seizure which left him unable to speak coherently. Sung Gyu didn’t know what that meant nor understood how it happened; all he knew was that the days ahead of him suddenly seemed darker and bleaker, and he wished he could stop time somewhere and just, for once, breathe. He was deep in his thoughts even as he went to his office, now much sizeable yet messy with crates and files thrown about. He was meaning to tell his PA to tidy things up a bit but he never got around to tell him. The kid was just out of college and a bit jumpy even at the sound of his voice. Sung Gyu would have thought that his PA had a mind of his own to make that decision, but he guessed he didn’t after all.

He sank into his seat and absorbed the quietness surrounding him. He’d left home earlier than usual, having bid his wife good bye who had quietly retreated to their room. She was in no better shape than he was; perhaps, even worse. But he didn’t try to talk to her about anything at that time lest he broke down before her and made things worse than they already were. So he took his moment to break down once he was on his own. Sung Gyu didn’t cry, of course. He just couldn’t, as if all his emotions were blocked by the mere shock of the days ’events. He just sat there, frozen, his face in his trembling hands and breathing soundly as if it was the only clarification he had for himself to prove that he was still alive.

A moment later, Junhyung walked into the room.

Sung Gyu came to his senses only when he noticed a warm Styrofoam cup of coffee from a nearby café standing before him on his desk. He stared at it for a second, trying to make sense of everything, glanced up at Junghyung and blinked, trying to adjust his eyes. Junhyung was looking at him with sympathetic curiosity.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked him.

“Hm? Y-yeah…” Sung Gyu replied hesitantly and it took a moment to occur to him that the chairs in front of his table were laden with boxes and files that his friend couldn’t find a place for himself. Junhyung no longer worked in his department, but more often than not, he would pass by, sometimes with a cup of coffee, and together they shared all of their parental concerns of raising a child. Sung Gyu cleaned up the leather-bound chair for him although Junhyung protested that he didn’t have to. Once Junhyung was seated, the two fell into a moment of comfortable silence. Sung Gyu stared down at the strewn papers beneath his folded arms, the quietness in the room louder than the sound of his thoughts in his mind. Junhyung reached out and slowly pushed the cup of coffee towards him.

“Black with less sugar, it would help” He told him, and Sung Gyu could only accept it with a grateful nod in response.

“How is…everything?” Junhyung asked him some time later, not referring to anything in particular. That was just like himself. As Woohyun had been held up in the complexities of his own life for the past few months, it’s been either Junhyung or Joon Myung who’d played Woohyun’s part for him. Sung Gyu wouldn’t blame him. Life hadn’t been exactly easy for either for them, and the only ones who seemed to have figured things out to the bare minimum had to be Junhyung and Joon Myung.

“Bad” Sung Gyu sighed and buried his face in his hands. He hadn’t called Jieun again after he had put down he phone that morning, promising her to be there straight after work. Eunji would be staying at home by herself for the time being, and to have her being on her own and just few weeks away from delivery had him worried senseless. On the other hand, Sung Jae seemed to be staying more and more away from home, claiming to have club activities or whatnot, only to return home battered and bruised as if it was all his club activities was all about. Sung Gyu wouldn’t even get started on his parents; his slowly dying father and his mother who seemed to be lost amongst it all. Bad. It was all he could say about everything. They were just bad.

Junhyung’s warm hand rested on his shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “You want to talk about it?”

Sung Gyu remained quiet.

The only thing which kept him contented was the impending arrival of their daughter. He’d been counting days until the time when he would finally see her. She would be beautiful; she would have Eunji’s eyes, her voice and her feisty personality, and would be gentle and wise; the traits that Sung Jae seemed to have inherited from himself. It could be wishful thinking, but for some reason, Sung Gyu strongly felt hat her arrival would finally put things back into their rightful place.

“If you have troubles, you don’t have to go through them alone” Junhyung told him encouragingly, and Sung Gyu stared at his cup of coffee, soon running lukewarm. He thought about the troubles he had, wondered if they actually had a solution that Junhyung could possibly deliver, and realizing that there was nothing neither he or himself could do, Sung Gyu let out a sigh.

But he could still talk about them. Sung Gyu thought as Junhyung’s concerned gaze fell on him. At least he could take the weight off his back.

So Sung Gyu told him everything.

It was like letting the floodgates open, his words came out quiet and frustrated, the weight of each word he said leaving him as the pressure balanced out. It felt good to be able to talk about things, despite being able to find solutions. At least these emotions no longer remained stewing in his mind. At least they were out there in the open, and his heart felt more at peace.

Junhyung, of course, hadn’t solutions. How could there be any towards a dying father and a son who had lost everything he’d felt for his parents? But Junhyung hugged him, which felt really comforting, told him to take a rest if he really needed to. Sung Gyu didn’t want to take a rest, if he was to be completely honest. He didn’t want to be left alone with his thoughts; hence, he pulled out his laptop, opened his workload for the day and called in for a meeting with his team. Engaged in work felt so much better than brooding about things. And somehow the day passed on a lot faster than he imagined.

He dreaded it as evening arrived. He had to go visit his family in the hospital where they anticipated his comfort, and he wasn’t certain what and how he could provide the reassurance that they expected from him. He believed that there had to be some way that they could save his father, but on the other hand, he was frail and old and the cancer had spread more than they could possibly do anything about. He’d looked up on the prognosis of pancreatic cancer, and it’d left him sleepless the entire night. He tried to hold himself together, be positive through the entire process of treating him; all the while holding back the pain of having to let go at the end of it all.

He parked the car at the very end of the parking lot, and he sat still for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. They were all over the place, in shambles; and all he wanted to do right at that moment was go home, snuggle against his wife and tell her all that was in his mind. But no, he knew he had to do this; as the only son in the family, as a brother, as a husband, and most importantly, as a father, he had to.

“Oh Sung Gyu” his mother exclaimed as soon as he walked through the door, and he held her close as she gasped and cried into his chest. He held himself back from breaking apart as he felt just how frail and small she’d become. His parents had been so close and so in love for as long as he remembered; his mother, the nagging and the feisty lady as his father always remained quiet, reserved and complacent, a perfect pair. It was them who had given him the hope that some couples lasted longer than anyone could possibly imagine. It was them that he himself wanted to be. And his mother had been strong and resilient through the treatment process, keeping his father in company, maintaining the positive energy around him. They never talked about his condition in front of him. She kept his father updated on Eunji and Sung Gyu and Sung Jae on a daily basis; it was all that he wanted to hear about.

But the last seizure had left him unable to verbally respond like he used to. A nod, a smallest movement and a few hushed words. He lied within the quilts, pale and boney, his hands wrinkled but beckoning Sung Gyu to hold them as he gazed at him; his eyes, red-rimmed and teary, seemed to tell all the things that he could no longer put into words.

“He’ll be fine” Sung Gyu still reassured his mother as it was all she wanted to hear from him. He could no longer make that promise to himself. The future suddenly appeared darker before him, and he could already feel the cold of the impending storm.

A few minutes later that he spent sitting beside his father, Jieun came to him and said she’d take over. She leaned in towards him and muttered in his ear so that his mother wouldn’t hear her; “The doctor wants to see you”

A cold chill ran down his spine and Sung Gyu held his breath.

He made his way towards the doctor’s office, that one place he’d visited so many times than he wanted to, and each time he’d heard varying versions of bad news which he’d had to keep stewing inside him . It was there that he’d heard that his father had been diagnosed of a pancreatic cancer, that it had gone beyond what they could treat with chemotherapy, that his father was too old to face any surgical removal; all in different occasions. Sung Gyu felt an increasing amount of agony as the door to the doctor’s office appeared closer and closer. He felt his skin prickle under his sleeves; he didn’t think hearing any more bad news of his condition would keep him sane.

Sung Gyu knocked on the door once, twice, and the doctor’s mild voice beckoned him in.

The doctor, a young man, about five years of his junior, was seated behind his bureau, concentratedly looking through some medical reports as Sung Gyu approached him and took a seat before him. His hands, clammy and warm were clasped upon his knee, anxiously waiting, and the doctor set down the reports. When he met his eyes, Sung Gyu noticed, the look in his eyes was low, apologetic. Sung Gyu almost knew what was coming on his way.

In the beginning, the two of them shared pleasantries, the conversation flowing naturally despite the uncertainty ebbed in their tones. Sung gyu had long realized that this was how doctors went about revealing heartbreaking news. They made sure they’ve set the right environment and state of mind. They made sure they’ve made their patients or families of patients comfortable enough to bear that pain. But nothing they do could make them feel any different, nothing lessened the pain. Sung Gyu supposed he knew this too.

“You…might probably already know why I called you here” The doctor finally and gradually launched into the purpose of the meeting. Sung Gyu gripped his hands underneath the table. The truth was, he didn’t know, not really. He hadn’t gone as far as making speculations. “This is about your father” The doctor continued as if it wasn’t obvious enough.

“I knew as much” Sung Gyu sighed.

“Well, I know it’s been a hard time for you…and your family. I can’t even imagine the pain that you must be in” The doctor spoke to him slowly, gently, and the tone of his voice seemed to explain everything. Sung Gyu listened to him patiently, not saying a word; and gradually, he began to lose his concentration. He caught a few words then and there, his voice almost floating over his head like angry dark clouds. He caught the crucial bits, hitting him like thundering. ‘…too frail, too old…’, ‘…not get your hope up…’, ‘…he doesn’t have long…’ and finally ‘…keep him happy…’. Sung Gyu was able to absorb the essence of what he tried to convey to him in that small apologetic tone. His father was dying, and all they could do at his point of time was keeping him happy.

When he left the doctor’s office afterwards, his mind felt numb, a small smile frozen on his lips. He didn’t know how he could possibly share this information with his family. His mother was so frail as she was, and no matter Jieun tried to keep a strong upfront, he knew that she was breaking inside. He wasn’t sure how he could possibly hold himself together in front of them. Not right now, at least. He needed comfort, he needed escape, at least until he could pull himself together and finally come to accept that it was indeed the end.

He returned to his father’s room just because he had no choice. He still felt numb and frozen; but that was just for a short while. So he went to his mother, told her that Eunji needed him at home and that he was sorry. His mother of course didn’t question him further. She worried about her heavily pregnant daughter-in-law as much as she cared for her husband and Sung Gyu knew this too. Jieun hugged him and he held her close for a long time. It was almost as if they both knew yet didn’t verbally admit it to each other. He asked her to take care of his parents, promised her he’d call, and finally he kissed his father goodbye, trying not to break apart when he struggled to greet him farewell in return.

It was once he’d returned to the comfort of his car that Sung Gyu finally broke apart. He let all the flood gates open and allowed all his pain and worries to pour out in cries and tears. He’d done this a couple of times lately, as he couldn’t cry in front of his family, he couldn’t cry in front of his wife and he couldn’t cry in front of his son. For them, he had to appear the strongest and that left nobody for him to rely on. He knew Eunji would comfort him had he searched in her for that warmth. But she was not in the right place to do so. She was in so much pain than she let on.

He put his arms around the steering wheel, buried his head and cried. He reminisced his childhood, all the times he’d spent with his parents and wished he never grew out of who he was. No mater how much he tried to convince himself, there was a gnawing feeling inside him, a feeling that continued to tell him that he hadn’t done enough. He felt he hadn’t loved them enough. He never realized that they’d soon be running out of time.

A few minutes later then, he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, and he stiffened, horrified. The ring of his phone had constantly kept him on the edge; almost as if he was always waiting for something bad to happen. Even now, as he glanced down at his phone, his hand was trembling. And his eyes fell upon a number which’s been tracked as the nearest police station. His heart stopped beating for a moment, and instantly what came to his mind was him; Sung Jae.

“Hello?” Sung Gyu answered the call cautiously, trying his best to keep his voice from trembling.

“Hello. Is this the…” There was a small murmur in the background as the caller confided in someone and Sung Gyu held his breath. The caller soon returned. “…the father of a certain Kim Sung Jae?”

“T-that-that’s my son” Sung Gyu ventured out, his whole world slowly spinning around him.

“Good. We’re calling from the police station and we have your son under custody. We’d appreciate it if you could come and collect him in person”

Sung Gyu stared ahead of him for a moment, perplexed, and found himself nodding in response. His son. In the police station. Somehow, although he’d thought that might be the case, Sung Jae and Police just couldn’t be put together in one sentence. That just didn’t feel right. He wasn’t the kind of a boy who’d end up in a police station. Sung Gyu had thought he knew his son, inside out. But apparently, he didn’t.

“Right…. I’ll be there” He croaked out finally when he realized the officer was waiting for him to verbally respond. “And thank you…for letting me know”

He didn’t know how fast he drove; he wasn’t sure how he even got there; but just in a matter of minutes he was parking the car in front of the police station and hurrying past the unsuspecting officers, his mind in a whirlwind. In his mind, all he could think about was his son. And naturally, he was thinking of the worse case scenarios. Was he hurt badly? Was he caught in a scandal of some sort? And worse of all, had he been hanging out with the wrong crowd? It wasn’t easy to raise a teenaged son; there were just too many possibilities. He stormed right inside, his eyes urgently searching in his surroundings. And then there he was, Sung Gyu’s only son; battered and bruised, blankly staring ahead of him as the rest of the world passed by.

“Sir” An office reached out and stopped him just as Sung Gyu almost mindlessly reached for his son. They couldn’t hold him back like that, his son. They couldn’t possibly leave him stranded on a stiff plastic chair, all his wounds fresh and raw as if he was just something that one could come and collect. It was his son for goodness sake.

But for that moment, Sung Gyu had to pull himself together. He had to. He was a father, and also a respectable citizen. The police did what they had to do. They were following a procedure, just like Sung Gyu himself would have, nothing more.

“I’m here for my son” Sung Gyu said breathlessly, his eyes solely focused on his little boy. Sung Jae seemed to come to upon hearing his voice. And then he visibly stiffened, as if he feared nobody more. Sung Gyu could literally hear his heart breaking inside him. How did they go from best friends to strangers in just a matter of years?

“Can I have an ID sir?” Asked the police officer, and Sung Gyu blinked, finally glancing at him. “Huh?”

“An ID” The officer reiterated. “We just need a confirmation…”

Everything which happened afterwards literally float past his head, and soon he was allowed to reach his son. Sung Jae straightened up as Sung Gyu approached him, his eyes lowered in shame despite the bruises coloring his pale skin. Sung Gyu heart shattered inside him. This was not how he expected Sung Jae’s teen years to be.

“Are you okay?” He asked him slowly, and Sung Jae nodded hesitantly, his eyes never meeting his own. Sung Gyu nodded back and carefully slipped his arm around his shoulder. “Come, let’s get you home”

The police officers had kept his bag and belongings in custody, which they passed on to him as Sung Gyu reached the counter. “You must be really proud of your son” Said the officer rather sarcastically, and it took everything from him to not punch the bastard across his face. Sung Gyu was tired of people feeling entitled to have an opinion on his child. What did they know? Who were they to think they knew him better than Sung Gyu himself did?

Sung Gyu halted for a moment and slipped the bag onto his shoulder, his eyes not leaving those of the officer, a fiery gleam inside them. “Yes, I am” He shot back in return and soon led him out the station out into the street.

He helped him into the passenger seat and climbed in himself. Sung Jae still wouldn’t meet his eyes, which was understandable. For some reason, since recently, Sung Jae thought Sung Gyu despised him for every mistake he made. Sung Gyu wanted Sung Jae to make mistakes. He wanted him to grow through them. But only, whenever he saw his son crushed and in pain, it angered him; it angered him to the point that he didn’t end up responding to it the way that he should have and blamed himself in the end.

He watched as the boy struggled to put on the belt. There was an angry bruise on his knuckles, which hindered him from using that hand altogether. Sung Gyu let out a heavy sigh, reached out and put on the belt himself. Then he leaned over him and pushed the seat back so that he could relax and perhaps drift off to sleep while their ride back home. He must be in awful pain, Sung Jae. He used to break into tears upon the slightest cut on his knee. That’s how he’d raised him, like a tender flower.

They drove along for a couple of minutes in complete silence, Sung Gyu glancing at his son every now and then to see if he was in pain. At some point he let out a small, painful grunt and Sung Gyu gazed over at him, concerned.

“Does it hurt badly? Do you need to go to the hospital?” He asked him, only to have him shake his head in return. Unconvinced, Sung Gyu pulled off to a side, the light inside, reached over the center piece and examined him carefully. Sung Jae winced as he touched him and Sung Gyu took note of a few cuts and tender spots on his skin, nothing that bad. He wanted to convince himself that there wasn’t anything that needed serious medical attention. “You’re fine, you’re fine” He muttered mostly to himself and finally retreated to his seat. He didn’t want to take Sung Jae to the hospital for a very good reason. As it appeared, he had possibly been hanging around with the wrong crowd; in which sense, he couldn’t tell. Sung Gyu would rather question him on his own than scare him off in front of a psychiatrist yet. And even worse, they’d have to file a police report on possible assault; and that would never bring Sung Jae around from whatever the mental state he had fallen into. Sung Gyu’s expertise didn’t let him fall into this trap. His son didn’t deserve any of that.

He resumed the drive almost too soon, and they were home. Sung Gyu felt both anxiety and relief seeping into him as he parked the car. Relieved that he had safely brought his son back home; anxious that Eunji might be still awake and would have to witness their son returning home, battered and bruised after being fetched from the police station.

Sung Jae seemed to have the same concern that he did. He glanced over at their home; the lights put off except for the ones in the garden, and the swing creaking slowly in the warm summer breeze. The lights being out was a good sign. Perhaps she might have drifted off to sleep.

“Okay” Sung Gyu glanced over at his son. “If your mother is awake, we’d have to tell her the truth. If she isn’t, I’d still have to tell her. Not now, but I have to”

Sung Jae nodded his head, almost understandingly. Sung Gyu reached out to him, almost naturally, and patted him on his hand. “Come on”

The house was dark and quiet as they stepped in, the familiar scent of potpourri and homeliness greeting them in a silent invitation. After a long and tiring day, he was relieved to be back home. However, upon glancing at Sung Jae who dragged himself in after himself, Sung Gyu realized that his day was yet to be over. He placed a hand on his son’s shoulder, squeezing him gently.

“Go and wash up”

Sung Jae didn’t meet his eyes as he nodded and trudged his way up the staircase. Sung Gyu gazed at his retreating back almost longingly, hating that he had to see Sung Jae growing up like this. Sung Gyu had been so afraid of this happening, so afraid of him going in the wrong way, falling into the wrong crowd, wasting the best part of his younger days in hospitals and police stations. Now that he was seeing it actually happening to him, Sung Gyu couldn’t understand where in his life as a parent that he went wrong.

Dal had struggled his way down the stairs despite his paining limbs and was lying in the kitchen as Sung Gyu made his way inside. He looked up at him, almost desperately, and Sung Gyu felt something twisting in his heart. Dal had been there with them for a very long time; he was almost as old as Sung Jae himself. And as the boy grew older and distant from him, their dog seemed to be getting wearier and distant himself.

Sung Gyu let out a heavy sigh, hating all the vile turns of his life and patted the dog on his head. He then refilled Dal’s feeders before he continued into the kitchen. He had to find the first-aid kit and everything else that he needed, and before Eunji could wake up, he had to get Sung Jae’s wounds treated and send him to bed. He knew he had to tell her the truth about everything. But now just wasn’t the time.

Sung Jae took his own time to emerge from the stairways. Sung Gyu first had the feeling that he’d probably quietly slip into bed himself; these days, he just couldn’t tell what his son, the boy he’d thought he knew in and out, would do. Yet a part of him still refused to let go of the blind faith that he’d always had on him. Sung Gyu knew that somewhere deep inside him, the little boy who seek for comfort in his father’s love still remained. Sung Gyu could still remember his doe eyes, vividly as ever, gazing up at him hopefully as if he held all the answers. Sung Jae, older and bolder, hardly looked him in the eyes anymore. Sometimes he wished his son never grew up. True, he would miss out on a lot of things; but at least he’d still be able to carry him in his arms when he’s hurting. He’d still be able to look his little boy right into his eyes and tell him that he loved him, every single day.

When Sung Jae finally appeared through the dark of the kitchen, Sung Gyu was sitting in a stool, barely awake. He’d been drifting in and out of sleep as he waited, thoughts of all sorts slipping in and fading away. He was startled awake by the sound of dragging chairs, a vibrating phone; and Sung Jae stood right in front of him, snuggly dressed in pajamas, freshly cleaned but bruises raw as ever before. Sung Gyu blinked off the sleep from his eyes and stared at his son, allowing his mind to fixate on him. He’d focus on one thing at a time, lest it would all become overbearing for him. Right now, it would be his son; then he’d think about telling all of this to his wife. At the end of it all, his dying father.

He quietly climbed up on his feet, his heart cracking open at the sight of Sung Jae promptly avoiding his eyes. He checked the basin of water again, only to find it gone lukewarm. As he carried the basin to the sink, he called over his shoulder; “Sit down, son” The word slipped past his lips easily, yet something heavy settled in his heart.

When he returned with a fresh warm basin of water, Sung Jae was sitting on top of the island, his feet dangling and his eyes focused out the glass door to the back yard. Sung Gyu absorbed the sight of him; tall and lean, his hair in a texture so similar to his own, fallen over his eyes. Sung Jae might have grown taller in size, almost as tall as himself; but for Sung Gyu, he was still a baby, the child he used to hold close every morning before school and carried to bed when he fell asleep in the couch.

“Does it hurt?” Sung Gyu asked slowly, examining his elbow and his fingertips merely hovering over his skin. Sung Jae glanced down at the purplish bruise, and when Sung Gyu’s fingers at last touched somewhere near the wound, he flinched.

“Hold still” Sung Gyu sighed and dared to glance up at his son, his expression shadowed in the dark. Sung Gyu reached over and turned the dim lamp overhead, then soaked a face towel in warm water before he slowly dampened the area around the bruise. Sung Jae hissed lowly under his breath, his eyes closed and face turned away. Once he deemed the bruise all clean, he proceeded to dampen a wad of cotton with spirit, and held Sung Jae’s gaze for a long time, one hand gripping his arm.

“Jae. This is going to hurt”

Sung Gyu had always known, despite being horrified of him, Sung Jae held an ample amount of trust on him. It’s been Sung Gyu and him for a very long time, and even after being joined by a mother, he and Sung Jae maintained a very special bond; without even having words or thoughts exchanged. It was their past which bound them together, stronger than a typical other father-and-son relationship. And at that moment, when Sung Gyu pressed the wad of alcohol-soaked cotton onto his skin, Sung Jae gripped his hand so hard, crying softly under his breath; and Sung Gyu gazed down at his son’s hand holding his own. A quiet promise, I trust you.

Like this, Sung Gyu treated every visible big and small wound on his skin. He hadn’t the sheer capacity to look at the wounds on his face yet; they were too heartbreaking that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to do that without breaking into tears. They were quiet, only except when he’d silently murmur an instruction and when Sung Jae would hiss or quietly cry out in pain. He had him lift his shirt and treated the bruises on his ribs, on his collars, turning purple and green. His fingers traced his skin, no longer baby soft like he remembered. Sung Jae was a strong, healthy boy for his age; he hadn’t his ribs protruding like Sung Gyu himself used to have at that age. Yet, it broke his heart. This was the skin that he’d tended to and raised with so much of care that had ripped. And Sung Gyu blamed himself, not knowing where he went wrong as a father to allow all of this to happen to him.

In the end, Sung Gyu had to move onto treat his face. There was a split corner to his lip, and his right eyes had a slight purpleness surrounding it as he avoided his gaze. There was a small gash on the side of his temple, blood crusted stiffly on the open wound. Sung Gyu cupped his face in both his hands and raised it to the dim light of the lamp overhead. Sung Jae’s deep brown eyes shone like pools of amber under the flicker of the light, and he was gazing up at him; somehow that hopefulness that Sung Gyu was accustomed to from his younger days had appeared inside them. Sung Gyu looked into his eyes for a split of a moment and saw his entire world inside them. Something inside him snapped, and the sight of his dying father, old and frail in the hospital bed and barely recognizing him, appeared in his mind. Only one thought clouded his thinking process at that moment; with everything that’s happened to him the past few days.

Sung Gyu hadn’t much time.

He wasn’t sure what happened at that moment, but his eyes grew warm, and then bleary. He was looking at his son through a pool of tears, threatening to fall, and Sung Jae saw this too. There was quietness for a long time, and Sung Gyu retrieved his hands. He thought all the way back to the very first time he had held Sung Jae in his arms. He was crying so hard that night; his missed his mother’s warmth, being smoldered in her embrace. It was at that moment the unbreakable string of trust had built, forming between them, as strong as a chain as Sung Jae slowly found solace in his father’s arms. At that moment, fifteen years later, Sung Gyu felt that connection rattle like a silent reminder; and suddenly, he was afraid; he was afraid that they didn’t have too long to fight and draw away from each other, to let that connection break and wither between them. They hadn’t enough time because he was a father, and as a father he would soon fade away; and when that happened, he’d be going with a heart full of regrets; regrets that he hadn’t loved him enough, he hadn’t cherished their moments enough, and they were soon running out of time.

And so, before he could stop himself, Sung Gyu folded his son warmly into his arms. Sung Jae went quiet, remaining stiff as stone; yet slowly giving in. He rested his chin on his shoulder and Sung Gyu felt the gentle warmth of his against his skin; so different from the very first time he’d held him in his arms.

“Sung Jae” He whispered, and even as he did, his hand trembled, and he threaded his fingers through his hair. “My son…”

For a very long while, Sung Jae let his father hold him like this. Sung Gyu couldn’t remember the last time he hugged him. A couple of years back, perhaps? He couldn’t really remember; but he vaguely concluded that it had to be somewhere in the time when Sung Jae stopped being the Sung Jae that he used to be; somewhere in that time when he grew lean and taller, his voice grew hoarser and when he started going to school on his own. Sung Gyu couldn’t bring back the lost time now, no matter how much he regretted it. But at least, he could have tonight, this moment and so many more days coming forth. And on each and every day, Sung Gyu would make sure he felt loved, that he made up for all the time they missed.

Holding his battered and bruised son in his arms, Sung Gyu thought back to his own father and everything that Sung Gyu had put him through. Young and reckless, Sung Gyu in his teens and adolescence used to give little to no care for himself. He sometimes couldn’t bear the way his parents treated him; but being away from them, he missed their comfort too. Sung Gyu, as a father of a teen now, understood the pain that his father must have felt that time, about him; the boy who cheated death and survived and not once but twice. Sung gyu could vaguely remember the first time it happened, and how his father held him so close in his arms and whispered; “I’m so glad you’re okay” Sung Gyu hadn’t thought so much about it that time. He’d thought that every boy in his age had to have at least once cheated death in their lives. But now, a father of a teenaged boy himself, Sung Gyu realized how painful it felt to see a son battling through life. He wished he’d done anything differently, just about anything, just so that his son wouldn’t have to go through this pain.

“D-dad?” Sung Jae finally awakened his voice, and Sung Gyu finally pulled away from him. It was only then he realized that he had failed to keep his tears at bay. Some of it had spilled, and he was certain that his face now shined under the dimness of the lamp. Sung Gyu quickly wiped his face with the backs of his sleeves, and embarrassed to even meet Sung Jae’s eyes, he proceeded to busy himself through the content of the first aid box. A long moment of silence followed on suite, and Sung Gyu wished he hadn’t let himself go off course. It was embarrassing, really. He had to appear strong in front of him; but in a slip of time, he’d let his vulnerability show, and now he didn’t know anymore.

And then when, into the stark quietness of the night Sung Jae said in a small, hoarse whisper; “I’m sorry” Everything that he’d thought was put into perspectives.

Sung gyu didn’t think he heard it right in the beginning. He stopped what he was doing and glanced over at his son. “Hm?”

This time, it was strong and clear; “I’m sorry, dad” Sung Jae told him, and something heavy settled in his heart. He remained quiet for a moment, unable to think of a way to respond. Sung Jae had his head lowered, gazing down at his dangling feet. Sung Gyu took in the sight of him; small and for once innocent and vulnerable. Sung Jae was still his Sung Jae. He was just a child. It was only that Sung Gyu had failed to realize that.

So at that moment, he wanted to show him that he understood. Sung Gyu had been a boy his age once. He’d done his fair share of no-goodness schemes himself and he’d had to fetch his parents to school numerous times. Worst of all, he’d nearly gotten himself killed and came back to life again; twice. So who was he to not forgive him? And so, Sung Gyu did. He forgave him. He went back to his son and slowly squeezed his shoulder; “No, I’m sorry…for everything”

It was only then that Sung Jae finally lifted his head and gazed up at him. Sung Gyu met his eyes and saw the little Sung Jae he’d always carried in his arms still alive within his eyes. Innocent, hopeful and in complete wonderment. Sung Gyu hated himself for never realizing how hard it must have been on him, growing up, coming to his teen years, accepting all the obvious changes inside him and his life. Sung Gyu should have known.

“I’m sorry…for not being there enough, for not listening to you and not understanding you.” Sung Gyu sighed, his hand running up and down the length of his arm. “I’m sorry for not realizing what you’re going through”

“Dad…” Sung Jae shook his head. He’d always be like that, his Sung Jae. That has never changed. Sung Jae refused to see fault in his father; even if he did, he hated to bring that up, talk about it. Even at that moment, he was reluctant to accept that his father did wrong and was apologizing. Embarrassed, Sung Jae had his head lowered; and Sung Gyu pulled him to his arms again and kissed him on his head. “I love you…I love you so much, Sung Jae, and I am sorry I couldn’t tell you enough that I did”

Sung Gyu felt Sung Jae’s hand snaking up on him, trembling as they did, and catch a fistful of his shirt; he was crying. Sung Gyu kissed him once again on his dark tuft of hair. “What I realized is that I simply don’t have enough time to tell you how much I loved you, even though I would tell you every day. This is what I learned from…. from your grandfather” Sung Gyu swallowed and slowly pulled away from him. “We just don’t have enough time together, so I might as well tell you right now, if in case time won’t allow me to. I love you, and nothing you do changes that”

There was a deep inhale from Sung Jae, and he lifted his head to look up at his father. “Dad, don’t say that…”

“I can never be too sure, can I?” He sighed, thinking about his own father, lying barely conscious in the hospital bed.

“It is because of Grandpa?” Sung Jae asked him, slowly, attentive as ever, his dark eyes searching in his own. Sung Gyu reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “We’ll be fine…lets get you treated now…”

Sung Jae didn’t prod into it any longer, and they fell into a quiet routine. Sung Gyu held his face with one hand up to the light, gently examined the bruises and applied ointment, being as careful as he could. It was especially hard to treat the bruise around his eye, and he paid careful attention to each and every one of them. For that moment, Sung Jae felt so fragile, like the baby he first held in his arms. As he applied the ointment, he tried to prod into the root of what’s happening in his life. Sung Jae wasn’t a fighter; he’d never even been raised for that. Sung Gyu didn’t think he even knew to throw a punch at someone; the only advantage he had was that he was tall and had a strong stature, which made him appear intimidating. But he never got into fights, and it worried him.

“Jae, is it still about Mijoon?” Sung gyu asked him, recalling the first time he got into a fight. Sung Jae told them that time around what truly happened, and Sung Gyu had discussed this with Mijoon’s parents when the kids were not around. As it happened, Miyeon, Mijoon’s mother suspected that Mijoon probably had a crush on his son; whom Mijoon had mentioned a couple dozens of times, as she explained, with her face blushing to no end. Sung gyu had nothing against Sung Jae finding a girlfriend at this age, if he was to be honest; as long as he didn’t lose the sight of his goals. Sung Gyu wanted Sung Jae to live as well as achieve. What he was doing instead of both, however, was getting beaten up and ending up in the police station.

Had Sung Jae ben silent at that moment, it would have provided his answers. But for his surprise, he muttered a quiet no and shook his head. That, somehow, settled something uncomfortable inside him; a doubt, a fear. What could it be if it wasn’t a girl? Was he being bullied at school? Was he being unwillingly associated with things that he shouldn’t be? All of a sudden, the son Sung Gyu had always thought he knew became a stranger, with so many things he hadn’t heard and hadn’t known. Slowly, Sung Gyu moved away from him, all his wounds treated, all except the one probably in his heart.

“What is it then, Jae?” Sung Gyu asked him.

Sung Jae remained quiet for a long time, head lowered, hands fiddling, appearing like a small boy who’d been caught doing something wrong. Guilt crept through his skin upon realizing what it meant, his posture. Sung Jae used to be so upfront and open about everything. As a child, he never had secrets, never a thing he wouldn’t tell his father or an adult. As he grew up, however, secrets remained secrets, stories he’d never share stayed hidden in a corner of his heart. And most of all, he realized, the reason why he’d never tell him anything concerning was that he was afraid, he was afraid of what his father would think of him.

And now, it was time to break down that nonexistent wall between them and make Sung Jae understand that he had his father through everything, that he loved him beyond everything that he could be.

Sung Gyu pulled a stool closer to him, sat down and placed a hand on his arm. “Tell me, Sung Jae, what is it?” He prodded on slowly, lest he scared him even further. “Is anyone troubling you at school? Are they…?” Sung Gyu swallowed. “…are they bullying you?”

If there was anything that he feared more than Sung Jae falling into the wrong crowd was the possibility of him getting victimized to bullying. Sung Gyu himself hadn’t experienced it in any extent, given that he went to a small community school all his life, where pretty much all the students knew each other enough to not let anything extend beyond a small fist exchange. As times progressed, however, the environments in schools have drastically changed. Myriad times had he had to collect evidence from a place where a young boy had gotten beaten to a pulp by school bullies, a young girl had gotten abused by her fellow classmates for being too different. And whats worse was that Sung Jae was indeed too different. He didn’t associate with that many friends, he was diligent in school work and mostly kept to himself. The very fact that he was loved by so many despite his aloof personality made him an easy target. As Sung Jae remained quiet at that very moment, Sung Gyu’s suspicions grew, a quiet answer which made his worse nightmares come true. Sung Gyu’s hand remained grasping Sung Jae’s arm for a long time, praying, wishing that no; not you.

But then, the sound of an unmistakable sob came from him, and Sung Gyu could feel his entire world give away beneath his feet. His worst fears were answered; and every single bruise and cut on his skin seemed to carry a story, a story that Sung Gyu felt he was so afraid to hear, lest they killed him inside.

“Oh Sung Jae…” Sung Gyu started, his voice thick, a heavy lump forming in his throat. But before he could even say anything to comfort him, Sung Jae muttered in a low, husky tone; “They…they are saying bad things about her…”

Sung Gyu paused for a moment, trying to make sense of his words. “About Mijoon?”

There was silence following his question, and then a sob. Sung Jae shook his head. “No….” He swallowed, and visibly avoiding his father’s eyes, he added. “About mum”

About his mum. The first thought that appeared in his mind, somehow, was his real mother, lost somewhere in the ashes of their past that they never brought to surface. But then almost by instinct, Sung Gyu looked up at the white roof of their kitchen and imagined Eunji soundly asleep among the clouds of their quilts, a hand on her stomach, oblivious to her son breaking into tears.

“What….?” Sung Gyu started then and breathed hard in preparation to whatever he had to deliver to him. “Jae, what do they say about her?”

Quietness, again; and Sung gyu knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, making him speak. Sung Gyu grasped onto his arm, nevertheless, hoping it provided him any comfort. After a beat of contemplative silence, Sung Jae finally admitted; “Nasty things…about mum…” a sob, and a shudder of humiliation. “And me…”

Sung Jae didn’t have to elaborate any more for Sung Gyu to grasp an inkling as to how nasty their jokes could be. Of course, Eunji was quite too young to appear the mother of a teenager and being pregnant on top of that; she was liable to be the talk of their school. It was still the injustice of the society, of the world. Neither Sung Jae nor Eunji had done any wrong. They were being subjected to their cruelty and criticism, just because their lives didn’t fall in par to their own. Yet, in a way, Sung Gyu himself was responsible to what they were going through. But how, he couldn’t remember.

Sung Gyu took a shaky breath, his hands trembling as he still held on to Sung Jae as if he would possibly disappear. “How long?” He asked him.

Sung Jae pursed his lips. “Since mum came to school”

He had assumed as much; but now that he had clarified, a cold shrill ran down his spine. He vaguely remembered it; a sudden vision of himself holding the letter from his school in his hand, deciding that he couldn’t make it to school, that his wife should instead. Sung Jae had exploded at that moment; he had tried to preserve himself. But Sung Gyu, with his short temper and completely unassuming had disregarded his pleas, simply washing it down to teenage drama and in turn allowed this all to happen.

And now it was Sung Jae who suffered the consequences. It was all his fault.

“Your mother said…” Sung Gyu continued in a thick voice. “That they were bothering Mijoon. Are they still doing that as well?”

Sung Jae slowly nodded his head.

“And they are telling bad things to you” He clarified once more. Sung Jae nodded in response to this, wiping his nose off the back of his sleeve. Sung Gyu reached over the counter and grabbed a handful of paper towels, which he then placed in Sung Jae’s hand. “Do they always beat you like this?” He asked, once again.

Sung Jae shook his head. “I beat them”

“Because they say things about mum”

Sung Jae nodded.

“And because they bother Mijoon too” Sung Gyu went on, to which he nodded once more.

Then Sung Gyu reached over and slowly rubbed his thumb over his hand where his knuckles had bruised, so slowly lest he hurt him. “And they beat you back” He whispered, his voice breaking as he did. “A bunch of boys…against you”

Even as he said it, he couldn’t bring himself to imagine the horrific incident in his mind. His little boy against so many others. True, Sung Jae was physically fit; he was tall and not exactly skinny. He was very sporty and he had a good stamina, unlike himself. But underneath it all, he knew, his son was soft and gentle. He was not made for this; he was never made for this. How hard could it be for him, then? To be beaten up, to be mocked for something he couldn’t control? To be bullied?

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

As soon as the words slipped past his lips, Sung Gyu knew that it was the wrong question to ask. He didn’t tell him because he simply couldn’t. He didn’t tell him because he’d thought that his father wouldn’t understand. And so, all this time, Sung Jae had kept everything all to himself, struggling alone, physically and emotionally, and he hadn’t even known.

“God” He gasped, running both his hands through his hair. Sung Gyu knew that there was something going on, it was evident, seeing how much Sung Jae had changed. But all this time he had blamed it on his aging, on their generatonal gap, on his coming of age as a teen. Not once did Sung Gyu imagine that a large part of it was his fault.If it was his fault, then he had to be even more careful to thread through this, as anything he say or do could blatantly go wrong. First and foremost, he shouldn’t panic. His son might be getting bullied, but it was by another bunch of children. Adult intervention, in that case, had to be carefully done.

“Do twins’ parents know?”

Sung Jae just shrugged.

“Does Seojoon get involved as well?”

Sung Jae turned away. “He used to be” He sniffed hard. “Not much…now”

“He’s much younger” Sung Gyu told himself, to which he didn’t respond.

Sung Gyu turned back to him. “Does your mother know?”

Before Sung Gyu could say anything else, Sung Jae placed his hands on him and looked down almost pleadingly. “Please don’t tell her”

Sung Gyu understood why he wouldn’t want to. Eunji, with just a few weeks away from delivery, was extremely vulnerable right now. She worried more than she should, she slept more often and was relatively growing weaker and weaker, in physique and in her mind. Would she ever know that she’d been the cause of her son getting beaten up, Eunji would never forgive herself.

“I won’t” Sung Gyu promised him, and took a step towards his son. “But Sung Jae, you need to tell me what I can do to stop this, I cant bear seeing you like this everyday, and knowing that-,”

“Nothing. I’m fine” Sung Gyu interrupted him.

“This is not going to stop, is it?”

Sung Jae shrugged.

Sung Gyu let out a heavy sigh and rested both his hands upon his shoulders. Sung Jae was still young, and rebellious. After all that happened, he wouldn’t want Sung Gyu’s interventon; he wouldn’t want anyone’s intervention yet try to handle it on his own. He just wouldn’t understand the consequences this all would prevail.

“Sung Jae…tonight, it was just police intervening to resolve. But I cant assure you that it would be the case every time”

Sung Jae, the son of an investigator of fifteen years knew this all too well. He hung his head in response.

“Next time, if it elevated any further, you can be arested…and do you know what happens if you do?”

Sung Jae remained rigid, not saying a word in response, nor meeting his eyes.

“College, a decent job, everything. It will cost everything, Sung Jae. Do you understand?”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” He snapped, finally, raising his head. “What am I supposed to do, dad? They attack me, I attack them back, what else am I supposed to do?”

“You tell me” Sung Gyu shook him by his shoulders, perhaps harsher than he intended to. “You have a father and a mother and teachers and plenty of adults that can help you. You tell them, Sung Jae. You cant battle this out on your own”

Sung Jae looked up at him, and in his eyes were fear, disappointment, and perhaps even remorse; Sung Gyu felt as if he had yet again burnt down the bridge that he had somehow built tonight between them until there wasn’t even a single fiber left behind.

“What can you do, then? What can you do?”

“Probably what you couldn’t do” Sung Gyu sighed and slowly caressed his arm.

“Like what?” Sung Jae pushed on, albeit angrily. “Like what, dad? Arrest them? Send them to jail?”

“No” Sung Gyu sighed. “But at least I would know so I can help you”

Sung Jae remained quiet at thet, looking away, his lips pursed and knuckles turning white as he grasped onto the kitchen counter. Sung Gyu, for once saw his childhood self in him; believeing he was strong yet lost and vulnerable than ever before. Sung Gyu placed a hand on the back of his head and massaged his scalp in hope it provided the comfort he’d need.

“Sung Jae-ah” He started with a gentle tone. “There are some things that you can’t do but we can. And that is why I, as your father need to know everything. Because you’re just a child”

At this remark, Sung Jae stared at his father for a little longer, almost as if he was scrutinizing him. Had it been like this the whole time? Had Sung Jae been observing him, scrutinizing him, judging him the whole time and he hadn’t known? What happened to the endless trust that he used to have? That faith? That relaince? When did they change? When did they disappear?

“That is why you shouldn’t tell parents…anything” Sung Jae told him then, with a sense of finality and finally slipped off the counter. Sung Gyu felt it so strongly when Sung Jae walked further and further away from him, how the crevise was becoming wider and wider between them. He couldn’t tell how long it would last, how wider it could grow. He didn’t know what he could do to stop it either.

So that night, Sung Gyu couldn’t blink an eye to sleep. Eunji slept soundly in bed beside him, her snores soft and comforting, her hand laid carefully upon her protruding belly. Inside her lied their second child, their possible daughter, the daughter that they’d soon bring into this cruel, cruel world. His father was slowly fading away, he had disappointed his only son. His world was now balanced on the tip of a blade, about to topple over to which direction he couldn’t tell. For now, he would hold on, for he had to. But for how long his grasp would last, he couldn’t tell. His hand had become slippery already.

Thus he placed one upon where his sole reassurance lied. “Just a little longer” He promised himself, feeling the hardness of her warm abdomen beneath his palm. “Just a little longer, I promise”

*

The word had spread all over the school; Kim Sung Jae, the best basketball player of the school and model student had been restrained by the police. The word had spread like wild fire.

Sung Jae first got to know of this the moment he stepped into school, when everyone steered clear of his way, when everyone stared at the cuts and bruises on his face, the purple spots on his sore skin, his red brimmed eyes with a repulsed look, as if he was an alien being invading their school. Sung Jae knew what all of this meant as well; not only would he continue to get bullied by his younger schoolmates, the mocking wouldn’t stop and friends would leave, his teacher’s wouldn’t see him the same anymore, the varying glances would intensify and his life wouldn’t be the same again. More warning letters in the future, more counselling sessions at school. Years ago, as a child, Sung Jae used to adore his counselling sessions; it was all he looked forward to at school. But now, for the very same reason, he despised them. Funny how things in life have changed.

The first thing he saw as he entered his classroom was how hi desk and chair was missing. Everyone in his class seemed to feign ignorance to his arrival; including those who used to beg him for his notes and copied his homework in class. He remembered how once his father told him that sometimes, people stay with you only when they benefitted from you, and if they still stayed when they benefitted nothing from you, they were the ones to keep. Well, there was nobody in his class that was worth keeping then. Not even the kids who copied notes from him, not even that one kid whom he stopped from being bullied once. None of them deserved him. It was further proven when everyone moved out of his way when he approached where his seat should be, and laughed, gossiped and muttered incoherently behind his back when he couldn’t find his seat anymore. With a heavy heart, he exited the class again in search of his chair and desk. After half an hour of searching, even after school started, he found them both dismantled in the basketball court. And in the middle of the table written in red ink was angry handwriting, bright and clear; it said, ‘Motherer’

Sung Jae sat down on the ground with a hand on his head, unable to keep himself together. Just how long did he have to do this? He was too tired now. Too much to think, too much to do, too many hings to worry about. He hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve this. All he did was protecting a sister from a man who couln’t accept rejection and having a heavily pregnant young mother. How did that make him deserving of this all? He just couldn’t understand.

He was too young for this. At fifteen, kids played minecraft and binge watched spongebob and had occasional celebrity crushes; the worst they would do was fighting over monopoly or cheating on hopscotch. At fifteen, people didn’t go to jail. They didn’t get restraining orders from police or be accused of possibly sleeping with his own mother. Why did they have to be so cruel to him? Why did life have to be so cruel to him? Sung Jae just couldn’t understand. Perhaps, his father was right. He didn’t have to battle this out on his own. He just couldn’t. He was just a kid.

Sung Jae never cried. He had seen his father going through worst yet he’d seen him break apart just once in his life, and so he had learned from his father to keep everything stewing inside. It was easier that way; easier than searching for answers or comfort that he never recieved. Even at that moment, when Sung Jae felt like crying the loudest, the hardest, crying like he’d fallen and sliced his knee as a child, he couldn’t. He kept it all inside, sat under the scorching hot sun with his desk swearing at him in bright red like a curse and just waited, hoping time would pass by.

But it didn’t take long for him to be found. From a far, he heard a familiar voice, then two, and from the corner of the ground he could see two figures approaching him. As always, Seojoon and Minjoon would never leave his side.

“Sung Jae hyung!” Yelled Seojoon from the other end, cupping his mouth with both his hands. “Sung Jae Hyung!!!”

Sung Jae couldn’t help but wave a hand in the air. The two little idiots still haven’t noticed him in the middle of the ground.

“There! There he is!” Minjoon, now, and soon the two kids came running towards him.

“Jesus christ!” Seojoon cried as he fell to the ground beside him, panting. “Hyung! We were looking for you everywhere!”

Sung Jae shrugged, pressing his head against his desk’s leg. Minjoon sat down on the ground next to him. “We went to your class, we heard about…about yesterday and wanted to talk to you in the morning but you’d already left by then” She reached out and placed a hand on his arm. “Its really hard, isn’t it?”

Through the entire time he was being subjected to this cruelty, it was the first time that someone was asking him this. He, for a second, felt like falling into her arms and letting lose of his heart. Sung Jae, instead, pursed his lips and looked away.

“Is this…your desk?” Seojoon perked up after a while, and Sung Jae closed his eyes tight. They would definitely see the filth written across his table, it was bright and visible enough for everyone to see. He didn’t want to have the conversation that would follow. There would be just too much to tell. But to no avail, Seojoon did stand up and Seojoon did see the filth written on his desk. He could almost hear the sound of his clenching fist. “What the ” He said. Seojoon was too young to say that, but he did.

“Hyung, who did this?” He questioned him, and Sung Jae kept quiet, his eyes still closed tight. Minjoon too, almost naturally climbed up and scanned what had caught her brother’s eyes.

“Oh god” She muttered, and even louder she added. “That is not a nice thing to say”

“Dummy” Seojoon scolded her and soon he was right by Sung Jae’s side. “Hyung, who is troubling you, what is going on?”

Sung Jae sighed, pressing a palm to his forehead. “Nothing that concerns you”

“Well if somebody is bothering my best friend, then it does concern me”

Sung Jae kept quiet at that, for he couldn’t argue, for it was exactly the reason why he had fallen into this predicament the first place.

“What is going on, Hyung?” He pushed on afterwards.

“Is it about yesterday?” Minjoon, now.

“Is it someone in your class?” Seojoon asked, and after a while, when he continued to remain silent, Minjoon put in, remorse evident in her voice; “Its Jong Dae, isn’t it?”

Sung Jae naturally took in a sharp breath, which gave everything away.

“Oh god” Minjoon fell onto the ground beside him, dejected. “Oh no, its all because of me”

“No” Sung Jae muttered before he could stop himself. “Don’t say that”

“Then why would he say something like that?” Seojoon muttered, and he seemed to climb up on his feet again, reading the filth once more. “Wait…hold on…” He started, and slowly, it seemed to dawn upon him, even as he sat on the ground beside him again.

“Hyung…” He cried, and Sung Jae nodded, looking away. “Its about my mum” He said.

For a long time, then, all three of them were quiet, perhaps them contemplating the cruelty of this world just like he did. Seojoon and Minjoon were still fourteen. They have barely seen the world outside, not even as much as he had, and there they were, witnessing as children the same age as themselves destroyed someone’s entire life.

“You know what hyung?” Seojoon perked up after a while, and the tone of his voice worried him. Sung Jae glanced over at him. “I’m the one who started this, so I’m going to go and finish this”

Seojoon would have done just as he said, he wasn’t someone who held back, despite his age; but Sung Jae couldn’t just let him. The battle must have started from him and his sister, but in the direction it was going now, it was Sung Jae’s and Sung Jae’s all alone. If there was anyone who had to stop this, it had to be him.

“Wait” Sung Jae muttered, grasping onto Seojoon’s arm. He had already gotten up on his feet, and hadn’t he stopped him now, he wouldn’t have been able to stop him at all. “Wait” Sung Jae gasped yet again.

“Oppa” Mijoon cried from beside him. “This….this is wrong”

Sung jae hadn’t thought she understood what had happened clearly; she wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. But at that moment, she seemed to have understood the gravity of the situation more than anybody else.

Mijoon lifted her head and looked straight at him. “If Joon cant finish him, I will” She too, got up on her feet, and Sung Jae had to give in all his will to stop her and grab her by her wrist.

“Hyung!” Seojoon called out, frustrated and struggled to break off his grip. Sung Jae, of course, was much stronger that Seojoon simply couldn’t move any further.

“What the are you doing hyung!” Seojoon exclaimed, enraged, when he couldn’t move any further. “Are you going to just let them do this to you?”

Sung jae took a deep breath. He had had too much, he didn’t have the strength to fight anymore. “Then what are you going to do?”

“What do you think?” Seojoon pulled at his hand even harder. “I’m going to beat the out of that bastard!”

“That’s it?” returned Sung Jae quietly. “That’s all?”

“What else? Do you think I can just sit and watch this happen to you?”

“Joon” Mijoon muttered from a side, reaching out for her brother, yet Seojoon was far too gone to notice her.

“What then?” Sung Jae asked, recalling his father’s words from the previous night. “After you beat him up, what then?”

At that, Seojoon was speechless. His eyes widened, lips parted yet no word could he say. Of course he wouldn’t know what comes after, and it was Sung Jae’s responsability to point it out to him.

“Do you think it would stop? If we beat him up? Do you think they will stop doing this? Do you think anything will change?”

“Hyung…” Seojoon whispered, and his free hand, the one that Sung Jae didn’t hold, wrapped around the wrist which held Seojoon’s hand.

Sung Jae took a deep breath; he was floundering. WHen he spoke again, his voice broke. “Seojoon, you have no idea…you have no idea what could happen next. He would hurt you too. They all would. ANd they would hurt joonie as well; do you think I can sit back and watch that? Knowing I put you there?”

“But hyung-,”

“Even worse…” He breathed hard and met his eyes. “We are still minors, but that doesn’t mean that if we end up hurting someone, badly, we wouldn’t get punished for that. We do. Do you get it? Highschool, college, jobs, everything…and our parents…”

“Hyung….” Seojoon’s eyes had filled up at that moment, and Mijoon, on his right, was crying. She cried so hard that her shoulders shook, her cheeks stained and glistened under the morning sun. She looked so vulnerable at that moment, they both did. With a pang, Sung Jae realised, for the five years the three of them spent together, they had now fallen to their lowest. Mijoon didn’t have to feel the way she felt, Seojoon didn’t have to carry the weight of that guilt and responsability on his bony shoulders. Sung Jae didn’t have to feel lost and alone and afraid, like his life had come to a stand still. Just like his father told him before, they were just children. And for children, it was just so much to pull through.

So Sung Jae did the last thing he could think of doing, he pulled towards him the two of his best friends and held them in his embrace. Mijoon cried even harder, running her hand around his neck, her tears staining his shirt and Seojoon just held onto him, so tight as if he was afraid he would disappear. Before him, school continued like it always did. People went to classes, ran across the corridors, wrote notes and occasional love letters to classmates which they hid between leaves of history and algebra, hoping nobody found out. They laughed and fought for no real reasons and decorated their lockers and shared food under the table. But Sung jae, for that moment, felt as if he was so far away. School life, all of a sudden, was not the same for him anymore.

Later that day, after lunch, Sung Jae found himself facing the clutter at his feet which had just fallen out when he had opened his locker. There was a bunch of scrunched up papers, balled in their firsts, angry words split into broken pieces in the million folds. He didn’t read any, he didn’t have to. He knew what they all said. He just stood there, staring down at his feet as he tried to collect his thoughts again. Things wouldn’t end soon, they would only escalate from here. People were passing by, they were laughing at him, talking amongst each other. It wasn’t just Jong Dae this time, he knew this too. It was his class, his same aged group, people who used to admire him, girls who used to watch him from the bleachers when he played and boys who envied him for being sporty, strong and good looking. None of them mattered anymore. He was now the guy who beat up kids a year younger than him and possibly had a morally wrong relationship with his mother in their eyes. Sung Jae took a deep breath and proceeded to pick up the paper in his hands. It wasn’t the Janitor’s fault to pick up after he screwed up. He gathered them all in his arms, one after the other, the paper making a distinct sound, like they were whispering out the words written inside them. Soon he was joined by a hand, and another. Sung Jae looked up to see his best friends, quietly picking up the litter in their hands. And from a far, a bunch of girls in a group. He would notice her from miles away, Lee Young Ae, the most beautiful girl on earth. She didn’t appear beautiful anymore. Her gaze, her laughter. Sung Jae let out a heavy sigh and turned away. He should have known all along, that his popularity wouldn’t last forever.

*

Eunji was pretty sure they were hiding something. She didn’t know why, she didn’t know since when, and certainly she didn’t know what. But having been with her boys for long enough she had developed the uncanny ability to read them right off the first page.

Sung Jae, of course was distant and aloof as he’d always been. But to herl at least, he had been indifferent. He didn’t always appreciate her presence around him, but he didn’t mind either, if he couldn’t help it. But now, he seemed to be avoiding her altogether. Every day there was a new would on his face; bruised lips, a cut near his eyes. Yet every time she tried to question him, he’d retreat to his shell and never return, almost as if he scared her. Eunji loved her son, beyond words; and if there was anything that worried her anymore was that him being mentally restrained. Eunji, after all, was a child psychologist and Sung Jae was pretty much a child, still. That’s why she’d kept her distance, allowed him to have his time for himself. But the more she stayed away, the more distant he grew. Soon, Sung Jae would become a person she had never known.

Her husband, on the other hand, was a complete ball of stress. His eyes were dark and sullen, his lips never reaching them when he smiled. And Sung Gyu probably didn’t know this, but she knew that he cried alone in the car at night. With his father’s illness and Sung Jae’s growth spurts running wild, Eunji knew that he was always on the edge. She could never talk to him about it, be the comfort he needed; how could she, when they could never have that conversation? When he always avoided having to talk about it, or even worst cut her off and pretend that everything was fine? She did everything she could to reach out to him and sooth him, provide him comfort in every way possible; but if he blocked her away, kept everything to his heart, how could she? Eunji was exhausted, if she was to be honest. She was tired of the two of them treating her like she was a complete stranger invading their lives. She hated their distance, how closed up they were, as if nothing had changed and they’d returned to square one. How long would this continue for?

That evening, Sung Jae returned home from school with a solemn face. Sung jae always had this face ever sine he turned fifteen last spring, a few months ago. At times Eunji was convinced that his distance and indifference to her developed only after he turned fifteen, but when she thought back to it, it was a subtle, ongoing process, which intially started during their fall out after the last misscarriage three years ago. If anything had changed Sung Jae to how he was, she realised, she was hugely at fault too.

Eunji watched him quietly as he passed by the kitchen up to is room. She didn’t know what was going on in his life, but whatever it was, Eunji realised, was making him behave much differently than he usually did around her. He’d get those wounds, treated, if anything. He’d let her sit him down and get them all plastered and dressed and listen to her scold him if he had to. But now, he seemed to run away from her, and nothing could hurt her more.

Dal, now old and weary, followed after Sung Jae upon his arrival. He was a heavy dog, Dal. It was impossible to carry him around, thus Sung Jae always patiently waited as he climed the steps, giving him quiet moral support. Sung Jae was a child like that. But then wy did he have bruises and cuts on his face almost every day? Why did he not have life in his eyes anymore? It was as if he had seen and witnessed things that he should never have, and it was worrying her.

What scared her the most was that, whatever the father and son were hiding, she felt, had probably everything to do with this.

Eunji had spoken to the twins’ parents about it. She had often seen the three of them return home together, and their boy Seojoon also had bruises time to time, although not as much as Sung Jae did. They both deduced that the three of them were in a slow transmission to that phase of life; the life where love blossomed, sunshine and beauty caught their eyes. They were seeing and experiencing new things now; love, passion, anger, jealousy, betrayal; all of which were perhaps unfamiliar emotions for they’d so far, lived mostly sheltered lives. Miyoung believed that her daughter had developed a crush on Eunji’s son. That was deligtful news for her. She thought it was quite romantic that he had even taken the girl’s side in a vulnerable moment. But if it had led him on an path that had taken him to where he was now, it was time that both Eunji and Miyoung should be concerned.

But before that, Eunji had to be certain. She had to talk.

Sung Gyu, at some point in that evening dropped her brief text mentioning that he would be working late, so that meant it was just Eunji and Sung Jae home for dinner. He hated those nights even worse than the nights with his father around. They were on a definite drift, the father and the son. The two who always appeared to be inseperable had now become two boats sailing on different directions. The past few days, however, there was a definitive change. Sung Jae had started looking at his father in his eyes again. It was subtle at first, but their wordless exchanges made her feel that they were onto something. That only meant they were keeping something from her.

SO that night, Eunji was determined to find out.

Eunji, even with her heavily pregnant self, managed to put together Sung Jae’s favorite meal. He loved it when she made ramen with two different types of noodles tossed in together; simple and hearty. Sharing from the same bowl would bring them closer as well. Eunji could no longer climb the stairs to Sung Gyu’s room, and she wasalready too tired to pad herself across the room, so she dropped a message asking her son to come down to eat.

He did so, but the moment he saw their dining arrangement, his face darkened. Eunji tried to give him an encouraging smile. She hated that she always had to wait for him to give her the green light.

Sung Jae, with a groan, took the seat before her. Eunji handed him a bowl of rice and kimchi. When she opened the pot of noodles, its steam misted his face. He didn’t even seem to mind as he proceeded to eat.

Eunji took that moment as the green light. She poured a bit of the noodle broth into her rice bowl and strated to mix it as she scanned her boy’s disposition.

“Mum’s sorry that she couldn’t talk to you much often” She started off, hoping it was indeed a good start. “And dad is sorry too. He must be really busy, what with work and grandpa…”

Sung Jae didn’t even look like he was listening as he distractedly scrolled on his phone. So she proceeded with questions next.

Eunji cleared . “How is school these days?”

Sung Jae slurped loudly from the pot. “alright” he replied with a full mouth.

“Hm” Eunji nodded and contemplated for a moment. It was getting increasingly hard.

“Have you decided where to go to high school to?”

Sung Jae will be starting highschool the next year, and it was a dicussion they should have started by then.

Sung Jae shrugged.

“If you are going to do liberal arts at college, wouldn’t haesong be a good choice? I was talking to the twins’ parents. They had the school in mind as well”

“Probably” Sung Jae sighed and continued to eat. He didn’t seem particularly interested in the topic of discussion. It wasn’t that Sung Jae was always expected to compile with his parents’decisions, but when it comes to highschool they really needed his input as well as theirs. But she decided that this probably wasn’t the time for this discussion.

She fell quiet for a while, allowing Sung Jae to continue his dinner in silence. For that moment, she felt as if her thoughts were louder than her words. She found herself observing the child, every little gesture and movement, how carefully he moved his arms, the way he flinched when the hot broth touched the bruises on his lips. He was a tall and strong child whom she believed could easily handle a fight. But on the other hand, Sung Jae, despite his built, was never a fighter. He was a soft, gentle soul, quiet and aloof and he mostly kept to himself. How could a boy like himself ever get tangled in a fight? If it was still about Minjoon, how had the problem escalated now? What was going on? Who hurt him like this every day? And why would they?

At that point, Eunji couldn’t take the silence anymore. Yet, she took a slow, cautious approach to the problem. The first thing about handling teenagers was that one should never directly launch at the problem but thread through it. She felt like she was walking on egg shells.

“Speaking of the twins…” She started and notced how Sung Jae suddenly froze. She tried to heed it no attention and gave him a smile. “How is Mijoon? I was talking to her mum the other day and she thinks Mijoon is really fond of you…”

At this, Sung Jae turned away from her, but he didn’t leave the table yet continued to eat. She imagined it was because of the steam that his cheeks became crimson.

“She’s a sweet girl, Mijoon” Eunji indirectly prompted him and cleared , not wanting to walk in dangerous waters. “Anyway, what happened with that boy? The one that bothered her? DId he stop after the meeting?”

It was then that she realised, Sung Jae did really freze. His hands grasped onto his chopsticks so hard that they turned pale, and color seemed to drain from his face. He still hadn’t moved away; which she thought was a good sign so far. But his reaction had her worried sick. It could only mean one thing; the boy hadn’t stopped.

“He…” She whispered and put her utenils away. She couldn’t eat anymore, her appetite was gone. “Sung Jae he hasn’t stopped, has he?”

Eunji didn’t expect him to respond. Infact, she thought he would leave everything behind and run away But for the first time, she witnessed him respond to her with a nod, and tears welled up in her eyes. He looked genuinely terrified. What on earth was that boy doing to her son?

“Does he hurt you?” She went on, to which he didn’t reply. His hand now laid flat on the table, trembling a little as he fidgeted. She reached out and grasped it in both of hers. “Oh baby…” She muttered and gazed down at his hand. There was a big drying bruise on his knuckles. “Did he do this to you?”

Sung Jae quickly retrieved the hand and hid it under the table. Eunji felt a large lump forming in . She wanted to cry out loud, let the whole world no that hers was a child who never did wrong to anyone yet had to face this ugly, gruesome treatment just because he stood up for a girl.

“Sweetheart…is it still about Minjoon? Is that it?”

Perhaps, it was an unvoluntary reaction to a question upon being asked that he quickly shook his head, his eyes downcasted.

If it wasn’t about Mijoon, what could it be? She tried to recall back to the time when it started. He first came home bruised after he stood up for the girl. That was when she went to school as was asked in a letter even though Sung Jae was intensely verbal against it. Then she remembered the way the parents reacted to her, how it was evident the teacher thought she was too young to be Sung Jae’s mother. The way that things fell in place made her speechless. It terrified her. What if it was…what if it was really all her fault?

“Sung Jae…” She started now, her voice trembling. She didn’t want to ask this question, but she just wanted to know.

Sung Jae wouldn’t even meet her eyes. She took a deep breath.

“Sung Jae, does it have anything to do with…me?”

Suddenly, Sung Jae pushed back his chair, albeit harshly, and climbed up on his feet. His tall, lean figure was almost intimidating for her, yet the way his face appalled, hands trembled seemed to answer all her questions, her doubts.

“T-thank you fr the meal” he muttered, his voice small and distant, and when he turned away and trudged back to his room, Eunji felt as if he had ripped out a large part of her heart. She struggled to breath, but all she could do was gasp and gag until her insides turned and twisted. She could make it only towards the sink before she threw up all that she had eaten so far; and after that, she grasped onto the frame of the sink and cried.

Eunji could barely sleep that night. She usually stayed up in nights that Sung gyu worked late, but since recently, as she was tired with her weight, she drifted off to sleep way before her usual time of bed. That night, however, she was widely awake. While awake, she tried to put two and two together.

Whatever that happened at school, she was pretty sure, Sung Gyu knew too. She could vaguely remember one night when she stayed up for Sung Jae to return but accidentally drifted off to sleep, Sung Gyu’s car arrived home much later on, and only then did she hear the multiple footsteps inside the house. She hadn’t thought of it much back then, but when she thought of it now, Sung Jae had come home with Sung Gyu. But how did that happen? Why did Sung Gyu pick Sung Jae up? From where? Why would he, so late?

These questions floated in her mind for so long, and every time she thought of the possibilities, she felt her thoat constrict, bile rising up from her stomach. How could anyone in the world do that to him, if her assumptions were right? She didn’t even want to think about her assumptions. SHe’d rather hear it all from her husband, have them clarified. Until then, she could blink an eye.

In her abdomen, the baby kicked a several times and she writhed in pain. SHe had only a several weeks remaining and contractions hit her hard and much often now. She had to attend the previous few clinics and scans on her own, take yoga classes on her own and even decided on her own what kind of birth she wanted to have. She wanted it to be natural, for the aftercare after a C-section would be too much for her to handle with everything that was happening in her little family. She was going to have a little girl; everything was certain by then. Scans showed a healthy little angel, head down and snuggled warmly inside her. Sung Gyu hadn’t seen the most recent scans yet. If he would, he’d be delighted, for the little girl was smart enough to even her thumb while inside her mummy. She would be quite sassy and feisty, Eunji was sure; and if anything, she would be daddy’s little girl.

Thoughts of her second child had her calm down for a moment, but when she heard the sound of the gate and Sung Gyu’s car in the driveway, her tension increased by a tenfold. She buried herself in her quilt and waited. Just like with SungJ ae, she had to be very cautious with her husband too. He was in a vulnerable place. His strings were so lose that a single snap could send him spiraling down. It was her responsability to hold him back from falling; it was not an easy feat, given that her son was in a bad position and that she was nine months pregnant. For a moment she felt like she was fighting a battle; and so she started off by pretending to be asleep.

Sung Gyu took ages before he came to their room. He usually did rounds around the ohouse, made sure every door and window was locked, gas was turned off, Dal’s food and bowl was filled and finally if Sung Jae was asleep, before he returned to their room. His step was quiet, tiptoeing across the room, perhaps thinking that Eunji was asleep. He made no sound as he undressed and closed the door with a slightest single click as he disappeared into the bathroom. Eunji listened tensely but patiently as the shower ran, it was about another half an hour later that he padded across the room towards the bed, lifted the quilt so slowly as if he was entering a buncker during the war and eased himself into the bed. Eunji pretended to be asleep the entire time, and took a deep breath of the air that smelled sweetly of his shower gel. She felt it as he fixed the blanket upon her and moved to kiss her on her head. Eunji took this as an opportunity and turned to face him.

“Oh, hey” he appeared surprised upon seeing her. His hair was slick after a shower, and he was soft and warm, Eunji had to remind herself not to snuggle into him yet. “Did I wake you?” He whispered to her.

Eunji shook her head. “I couldn’t sleep” She admitted sincerely.

Sung Gyu arranged himself n the bed and lied down on her side. “Why is that?” He asked and laid a hand on her abdomen. The warmth of his palm made her feel much better. “Are you okay?”

“I am…” There was silnce as she too turned to face him. He appeared exhausted; lines and creases that she had never seen before have started to appear on his face. He gazed at her for a second and hummed. “Alright” He nodded and closed his eyes.

“Close your eyes, sleep will come” He mumbled groggilly as he patted on her stomach, genlt, rythamically. Eunji stared at her husband for a while, at how he took slow, even breaths. He was tired. He needed to rest. But on the other hand, she wanted to know the truth too. It was about their child after all.

“Oppa?” Eunji finally willed herself to call him.

“Hm?” He hummed sleepily in response. Eunji continued to stare at him.

“Can we talk about something?”

Sung Gyu took a deep breath. “Now?”

“Yeah now”

He didn’t even open his eyes as he replied, as if his eye lids were heavy. “I’m tired, Ji, can we do it tomorrow?”

She understood as much, but- “It’s urgent”

“Can’t it wait?”

“No” Eunji sighed and finally took his hand. “Oppa it’s just one question, answer to just one question for me and I will get out of your hair, I promise”

Sung Gyu groaned and slowly turned, sitting up as his eyes drooped. “Eunji, I had a long day and I really want to rest-,”

“You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you” Eunji simply cut to the chase. Sung Gyu’s eyes opened fully at this moment, and he stared at her doubtfully. “Hide?” He asked. “From you?”

“Yes” Eunji struggled to sit up herself, and when SUng Gyu noticed that she found it difficult, he lied down to close the distance.

“It’s about Sung Jae” She said.

She noticed how he stiffened at that point, making it all too obvious. The two of them should have known that there was nothing that could go past her eyes.

“What about Sung Jae?” He asked tiredly.

“Did you notice that he comes home with a bruise every day? Every school day there is a cut or a wond on his face, oppa, we can’t ignore-,”

“Did you think that I didn’t notice that?” Sung Gyu returned, sounding offended. Of course it wasn’t what she meant. Sung Gyu had certainly caught the wrong end of the tail.

“WHat I mean is,” She sighed heavily. “There is something going on, oppa”

“Did you talk to him?” He replied.

“I did” She shrugged remembering how the conversation went. “But he wouldn’t tell me much, and this is only what I noticed but you obviously know what is going on and you are keeping it from me”

Sung Gyu’s jaw tightened as he gave her a sharp look. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”

“Sung Gyu-,”

“And frankly, I’m really tired right now and the last thing I want to do is fight,” He continued, finally turning away to his side and lying down, prepared to sleep.

It was at that point that Eunji’s patience exceeded past code red. She’d been trying to contain this anger and frustration for so long, how Sung Gyu acted so distant, keeping everthing to himself, how he kept away from her, how he wouldn’t continue a conversation past two minutes. He was tired, she understood. He had a lot going on in his life. But she wasn’t exactly having it easy as well. She was struggling to understand a fifteen year old step son who was probably gong through the worst of his life and was afraid to admit, while carrying a fully grown baby inside her and the weight of the world on her shoulders. She worried about her family, she worried about her husband, and worst of all, she was tired and alone and had nobody to turn to. Couldn’t he spare just a minute for her? Just once?

“Would you stop doing this to me?” She exploded, all of a sudden, her voice a shrill cry into the night. Sung Gyu flinched for a second and he turned towards her. She continued, breaking angry, tearful breaths. “I’ve been trying my best, Sung Gyu, I’ve been trying my best. My son comes home beaten to a pulp every day and I know about it and he never speaks up and then there is you who cant hold a conversation with me past two words, why cant I ever know what happens in this family? Why am I the only one in the dark?”

Sung Gyu, appearing genuionely concerned, slowly sat up. “Ji, calm down…”

“No I don’t want to ing calm down!” She bellowed angrily, her yells now nothing more than a frustrated cry. “I know that I’ve been here no longer than five years, yes, and I also know that I’m the one with least problems here, am I not? I just want to hear what you are going through, both of you. I know that I am not Sung Jae’s mother, but I did raise him for six years, don’t I have the right to know what he’s going through? And you, I know…I know everything but still you cant trust me? Still you cant tell me anything? Am I not good enough for you? Do you think I won’t understand?”

“Ssh….Eunji-ah…” He told her tiredly, soothingly, and that made her break apart even more.

“I don’t understand Sung Gyu…I don’t understand…what did I do wrong to you? Is it because I don’t belong here? Is it because I don’t love you enough? What is it?!?”

And at that very moment, as if on cue, as if their little girl understood what they were going through, a particularly strong contraction hit. She couldn’t find air to breath, and she started to struggle, gasping hard. She could vaguely remember Sung Gyu jumping into action and hold onto her, muttering under his breath, asking her to calm down. He lied her down slowly, and started to massage her chest gently, running a palm upon her abdomen. It was quiet for a long time, so, so quiet. By the time Eunji was able to recollect herself, she could only see Sung Gyu’s face, etched with worry, gazing down at her.

She reached out a hand and touched his face.

“Jesus christ, Eunji” He mumbled, took her hand and kissed her palm. “Are you okay?”

She nodded in response.

He sighed heavily and sat back, his face in his hands. His shoulders shook a little, and Eunji wondered if he was crying. She reached out to him, and he took her hand. They held onto each other for a long time, and Eunji finally called his name.

“Are you alright?”

Sung Gyu nodded, and after one hesitant second, he returned to her. He leaned over her and pushed her damp hair off her face. “Are you better now?”

“I am” She nodded.

He let out a heavy sigh as if a large weight had left him and he kissed all over her face. “God, you scared me”

“I’m sorry” She muttered as he moved away from her lips.

“This is why I don’t tell you anything”

“Sung Gyu” She called and grasped his hand. “I’m fine”

“You couldn’t even breath five minutes ago, Eunji, I cant bear watch that happen to you”

She sighed and pressed his hand against her chest. “Same, Sung Gyu. I can’t bear watching you suffer alone”

“I’m okay” He whispered in reassurance, but she could catch the way his voice broke. He was lying.

“Are you? Really?” She muttered, and she placed a hand on the side of his face. He gazed down at her for the longest time, and she witnessed how his eyes filled up. There was only so much that he could handle, something that she had learned having been in his life for so long. As strong and reassuring that he tried to be, Eunji knew that, inside, he was breaking apart. He needed this, he needed her. He needed someone to pour his heart out to so he could heal again. And that was whom she was for him.

“Tell me” She told him then.

As night grew darker and quieter, Sung Gyu told her everything. He didn’t hold back, she didn’t let him. With every word he said she felt a part of her dying within her. He apologised profusely although he certainly hadn’t done anything wrong. He had done only that he thought was right to do, and she understood him. He told her only that he said he knew and they both agreed there certainly had to be more than what they knew so far. Something needed to be done, their little boy deserved none of this. Eunji couldn’t help feeling guilty as well, and admittedly so, Sung Gyu did too. It was him who asked her to go and got frustrated when Sung Jae had clearly told them not to. He knew what would happen, he knew what was to come, and yet they had taken his words as granted. They should have understood him better, atleast should have tried to, they both agreed.

At the end of it all, they both lied in bed together, holding each other as the clock struck somewhere past one in the night. Sung Gyu’s face was buried in her neck, breathing softly, evenly against her warm skin. Eunji continued to caress his hair, felt his skin with tips of her fingers and always, always told him that she loved. Him. She felt as if, no matter how many times she told him so, it wasn’t enough. Sung Gyu needed love at this time. So, so much. He needed to be cared for and be promised that he had her all through this time. She had to stand strong, not only for Sung Gyu but for their son too, if they were to pull through this together.

“Eunji?” Sung Gyu called her at some point in that night, lifting his head.

“Hm?”

“Is that how you really feel?”

“What do you mean?”

Sung Gyu hesitated for a moment, his hand rested on her waist. “What you said before”

She could hardly remember what she said before. She must have said mean things, hurtful things, things she probably didn’t even mean. She should have thought twice herself.

“I didn’t mean any of them” She replied. Sung Gyu slowly pulled away from her and looked her in the eyes.

“People don’t say things they didn’t mean when they are upset, Ji”

Eunji gazed into his warm, reassuring eyes, and something twisted in her heart. Whatever she had told him, she had really hurt him.

“I’m sorry…” She muttered in response. “Whatever I said back then, I’m really sorry”

“No I am sorry” Sung Gyu interrupted her. He moved closer then, and pulled herinto his embrace. The baby bump remained a massive barricade, keeping them apart, but that didn’t stop him from comforting her with his touch and soothing words.

“Eunji, sweetheart, I’m pretty sure Sung Jae thought you as his mother more than anyone else, because you are his mother, and nothing changes that. And I….I trust you with my whole heart, I always did and I always will. I hadn’t felt more loved before than I had always with you. You’re perfect for me, and I love you, so, so much”

“Sung Gyu…” She sobbed into his chest as she ran her arm around his waist.

“I’m sorry if you felt we were keeping you in the dark, but it was Sung Jae who didn’t want to let you know. He was worried you’d feel guilty and responsible for what happened, which he believed you were not…”

“But you should have told me, Sung Gyu. If he was in police and if he was getting hurt, you should have told me…” Eunji replied tearfully.

“I know” Sung Gyu agreed. “But at that moment, I thought it was the right thing to do. He told me because he trusted me and was afraid of upsetting you in a time like this, and I had to respect that. I know what I did was wrong too, but I felt just one parent knowing was enough”

“But is it?”

Sung Gyu sighed. “It certainly is not”

They were both quiet for a second before Eunji perked up and asked him; “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know Eunji…” He replied.

“Shouldn’t we talk to the school counselor?”

“That’s for the best” he agreed. “But would he like it?”

“Hm” Eunji shrugged. “That’s true”

Sung Gyu nodded, moved closer and kissed her long on her head. “For now, Ji, lets just go to sleep. You’re tired, I am tired. I don’t think either of us are in the right mind to decide anything…”

“You’re right” She sighed and burried her face in his chest. He smelled sweet, of shower gel and early summer and love, and she could hear his heart beating in a gentle pace. It was where she beloned, she realised, for all the many years to come. Like this, right in his arms.

“The baby” Sung Gyu said, all of a sudden, his hand resting on her abdomen. “She just moved, did you feel?”

He had this strange lowly tone that he spoke in every time he spoke about the baby, like she was a treasure that he couldn’t wait to own. Eunji looked up and she smiled. “I told you, she could feel when she’s loved”

“She must have been upset when we…” He trailed off, and she pressed a finger on his lips. “Its fine, let her feel loved, hm?”

Sung Gyu threaded his fingers through hers and smiled.

“You know” He started after a while of holding her close. “I feel that when she’s finally here, everything will fall back into place”

“When the baby’s here?” Eunji pressed on.

“Hm” He kissed her on her head. “Sung Jae would change, certainly. He would be a responsible old brother, I am sure, and she…she would make our home happier too”

“She will” Eunji agreed and kissed him on his neck. “But does that mean we are unhappy now?”

Sung Gyu contemplated her words for a moment and shook his head. “I’m not. Are you?”

Eunji looked up and gave him the most grateful smile that she could give. “I’m happy, as long as I’m with you”