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{6}

Jessica held one of my pictures and stared at it with a little smile on her face. I looked at her and took out a bottle of water. It must have Yuri in it. I leaned over her shoulder and nodded. I recognized the picture, with Yuri and I screaming at the camera. “We took that picture at a family reunion. It was the summer before her passing,” I said and Jessica hummed, gently tracing the outline of my smiling cousin. All Jessica has are memories…she doesn’t have any physical evidence that Yuri and her were remotely connected. “You can have it, if you want.”

“Oh my God, Taeng, I can’t,” she protested and I shrugged.

“I still love and miss her, but I think you love and miss her more. Take it,” I insisted and she grinned happily, hugging me.

“Thanks Taeng,” she squeezed me and I hugged her back.

“How is it, being surrounded by couples and still coping without her?” I asked after we let go and she sighed, her eyes getting darker.

“I always hang around the ceremonies and receptions to make sure things go smoothly, the process of planning a wedding is mind-numbing work, but then seeing it come together always makes me emotional. It’s hard to think of, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to get married myself,” she mumbled and I patted her shoulder. I imagined what would happen if my best friend and love of my life passed away. I had no idea how Jessica was able to cope with it. Tiffany and I were struggling with the idea of getting married; Jess was struggling with the idea of finding someone to marry. It made me feel selfish. “I thought because I was a teen I would eventually get over Yuri, but I realized that when I said she was the one I wanted to marry, I truly meant it.”

“Do you want to move on?” I asked and she stopped, letting out a breath.

“I want to, but I don’t know if I have the ability to let another person know about what Yuri meant to me,” she confessed and I nodded in understanding. I think I’d feel the same if Tiffany died early on in life. It was hard to think of anyone else becoming such a big influence on you other than your significant other. You already let one person see everything that completes you, all of your dreams, weaknesses, flaws, and fears are exposed completely and trusted to someone else. If that person disappears, you’re back to stage 1, but now you’ve added their baggage as well. But, I didn’t want anyone to be stuck in the past of an old love, especially not a friend like Jessica.

“You know, if you start dating, it’s not going to hurt me,” I said to her and she bit her bottom lip. I was afraid that because we were friends and Yuri was my cousin, Jessica would be hesitant to date again.

“I know but I still want to be involved in your family, for some reason,” she mumbled.

“They don’t hold any grudges against you,” I told her and she nodded. “It was alcohol and you didn’t know anything about the area around you.”

“It’s still my fault, I have to forgive myself before thinking about someone else,” she explained and I held up my hands.

“Do what you want, it’s just advice,” I smiled as she scoffed and I stood up, stretching out my limbs.

“Do you have to go to the hospital?” Jess asked.

“No, we don’t have to go in for weekends. I’m glad, I don’t have to wait on children,” I sighed, brushing my hair back.

“I can tell you like your job,” she noted and I smiled. “You have a good parental sense, I saw that when you took Jieun away from the party. You’d be a great mother.”

“I want to be one,” I sighed. “But Tiffany doesn’t want kids and if I’m going to be a doctor, I can’t have a child in the near future because I’ll be busy easing into an office. It’s like God doesn’t want me to have kids!” I groaned and fell on my back, staring at the ceiling as my body felt as if it were sinking into the mattress of my bed.

“Do you feel that way?” she asked and I rubbed my head, staring at the ceiling until my eyes welled up with tears from not blinking. I feel like God doesn’t want me to have kids. What if I’m really not meant to have children? I took a deep, shaky breath and wiped my eyes. “Taeyeon, you’re gonna be a mom, with or without Tiffany.”

“I want to be a mom with her,” I sniffed and Jessica sat beside me. I sat up and sighed deeply, I couldn’t breathe very well. “Why doesn’t she get it? Why can’t she understand how important raising a family together is for me?”

“Do you really want to try and change her mind about kids?” Jessica suddenly asked and I nodded quickly. I didn’t care what she had in mind, I wanted a kid badly. “Take her to Christmas with your family, didn’t you say one of your cousins just had a kid and another is pregnant? If you guys play it well, she can fall for babies.” I jumped up and shouted. I always went to my aunt’s house for Christmas, every year, and eventually Tiffany began coming with me so we would spend time over the holidays.

“Oh my God! That’s a good idea, actually, she’s usually comes with me over there and Eunkyu’s baby is adorable,” I nodded to myself, excited at the thought of Tiffany being exposed to small children. She’s been around babies before, but never truly interacted with them in fear of freaking them out or not liking my family. “Should I ask her if she’s coming?”

“Well, you could text her, it’s about 8 in the morning over there,” she said and I took out my phone, thinking back to what she might be doing right now. She may be filming for a music show, but usually those are filmed at 6 or 7 if they’re not live. She could be in the car right now. I clicked on her contact and held the phone up to my ear. It rang a few times and the anxiety grew inside of me until she finally answered.

“Hello?” she said quickly, yawning right afterward. I smiled at her voice. God I miss you so badly.

“Hey Hun, did I wake you?” I asked softly.

“No, no, I’m okay. I’m just getting hair done…” she yawned again. “Please keep going, I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’ve had a busy fall and I see that you have as well,” I noted, aware that her group released a mini-album not long ago. “But…I wanted to make sure that you were coming back to the U.S for Christmas with my family.”

“I know things haven’t been ideal for us, but of course I’m going to be there. I’m flying to Oregon on the 24^th and then I don’t have to be back in Korea until the 29^th,” she told me and I felt myself smiling and at the same time my heart sunk a little.

“You’re not gonna be with me for New Year’s?” I frowned and she sighed.

“We’re doing a New Year’s thing here, I’m sorry, Babe, but we’re busy then. Do you think, we can talk a little bit about everything while staying at your aunt’s house?” she wondered and I hummed, glancing at Jessica who nodded at me. I wasn’t sure if she could hear Tiffany, but I’m sure she knew what direction we took our conversation.

“We’ll talk, we’ll really, really talk about things and I promise we’ll smooth at least some things over between us,” I said to her and she sighed.

“We will. I have to go on stage now, Tae, I’ll talk to you later,” she said.

“I love you, Tiffany,” I mumbled.

“I love you too, Taeyeon,” she whispered and hung up. The struggles of hiding your relationship, not being able to always hear the three word phrase.

“I have to call my aunt and warn her not to disturb Tiffany and I very often now,” I sighed and Jessica snorted.

“What the Hell are you planning on doing?” she teased and I slapped her on the top of her head. “Yah!”

“Shut up, we’re gonna be very serious during those few days,” I hummed and called up my aunt. “Sorry I’m dealing with all of this right now.”

“It’s fine, deal with your ,” she told me and the ringing stopped. 

“Taeyeon?” she answered.

“Hey, Aunt, I was just checking in to make sure Tiffany and I can stay at your home for Christmas until the 28^th,” I said and she sighed.

“Of course! I love Tiffany, but she can only stay for a few days?” my aunt asked and I hummed.

“Work, but I have to warn you, we’ll be talking about some serious things so we might not be out very often,” I warned.

“You’re not going to be like your other cousins and get married extremely late are you?” she asked me and I bit my lip. I didn’t want to get her hopes up because Tiffany does not seem to want to get married, but at the same time, I wanted it badly and I couldn’t just turn down the idea of not getting married.

“I’m working on it, Auntie,” I replied gently. “I should go, I’m with Jessica, I’ll see you during Christmas.”

“Alright, I’ll see you then, Taeyeon,” she said and I hummed before hanging up.

“Taeng, you’re still thinking Tiffany’s gonna agree to marry you?” Jessica questioned softly and I sighed.

“Don’t talk to me, I still want my marriage and I still want my kids,” I stated and she sighed, crossing her arms. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Just, be delicate when you talk things out with her okay? I don’t know a lot about what she’s been thinking about and I don’t know any of her decisions, so make sure you’re reasonable when you’re talking and let’s not have a repeat of your fight before she left,” she advised and I nodded. The last thing we needed was a fight. Any form of communication we had for the past months didn’t even add up to 10 instances. I missed her so badly it hurt and we weren’t even broken up. We were separated, but we always separated for long periods of time. No, this kind of separation is different. I hated it.

“I know, thanks for being here for Fany and I,” I thanked and she grinned, roughing up my hair.

“You guys are some of my greatest friends and my favorite couple. You both are also incredibly different people and fights are unavoidable, there has to be other people to get your minds on straight,” she smiled.  We’re incredibly different people and fights are unavoidable? I tapped my chin. I always believed in opposites attracting, it was the main reason I fell for Tiffany: she completed me in ways I couldn’t. But our fighting was unavoidable? I didn’t think about that, but as I repeated the words in my mind, the more it seemed to make sense. Especially after our ideas of the future made us argue with each other. Now our relationship was on the line and I wasn’t sure which direction it was going. Is this what being together is going to keep looking like, no matter how long we’ve been in a relationship? I set my head on my hand and sighed.

“How long do you think we can last?” I asked Jessica and she softened her gaze. “Because so many people think we can’t be together as long as I want; and the more I think about it the more I think that maybe they’re right…”

“I think you guys can last for as long as you both want if you really try to work it out. I don’t know how I can predict the length of your relationship, because you guys can be extremely dynamic, but if you love each other, then fight for it.”