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{19}

“Tiffany’s gonna kick my ,” I sighed to myself as I stared at my computer, scrolling through adoption sites. I promised her we would wait to look at these sites and that we would wait to find a child right for us, but I was stressed out. I spent a long day practicing and at the hospital, I just wanted to lean back into mindless scrolling of biographies. I smiled as I looked at potential children. God I’m too young for this …but I want to have a family so badly. My family was very big, extremely big. My father was the 13^th child out of 14 total kids. My grandmother on my mom’s side was the eldest out of 11. I adored my cousins and I was used to the rowdiness and always having small children around. It made me feel secure to have a large family. I wanted Tiffany and I to be a part of my family, I felt like I couldn’t stake my name in the family until mine was solidified with a marriage and a child. I wanted so badly to have my own family; I couldn’t help but look at what adoption would be like.

While on my lunch break, I sat with Xiumin and rested my head on the table, blurry pictures and purple words floated behind my eyelids.  “You okay Taeng?” Xiumin poked my forehead and I groaned in response. “How much sleep did you get?”

“Not much,” I confessed and looked up. “Don’t tell Fany, I was looking at adoption stuff.”

“Already? She can’t even go back to Korea for months, let alone talk all of this out with you,” he noted and pushed a tray of food towards me. I hummed thanks and started to eat.

“I know, I was just really tired last night and I wanted incentive,” I sighed and poked my bread. “It looks like we have to get married…”

“Will she? Can she?” he clarified and I shrugged. Since she wasn’t in Korea there was no telling what the contract said, not until she went back after her Asian tour.

“I don’t know if there’s a marriage clause, I don’t know if she’s willing to marry me. She said she wants a simple life and that she doesn’t want me to be the victim of crazy fans, but I don’t know, shouldn’t that be my problem?” I frowned.

“She doesn’t want you hurt; I get that part you feel the same way about her.” That was true. “Over compensating simplicity and privacy in her personal life makes sense since her work life is so open to the public, marriage seems simple but you know it isn’t, it’s hard.”

“Yeah but we’ve been together for so long, even longer as friends,” I rested my face on my hand and sighed again. “It just seems right that we get married.”

“That’s a pretty common way of growing up, you know Tiff isn’t gonna follow a normal path of life,” he added and I shrugged. That’s true. “Do you care about getting married?”

“Yes,” I nodded immediately. “I want to get married; I want her to be my wife. Is that a bad thing?”

“No it’s a standard thing, but would you leave her if she said no to marriage?” I blinked. To be honest I never thought of that, I never thought about leaving Tiffany. How could I? I spent so long being in love and following my love for her, she was a part of me, how could I leave her? But I did want to get married. Would I leave Tiffany if we didn’t get married? That needed more thought and didn’t deserve to be spoken about in a hospital cafeteria.

“I don’t know, let’s not talk about that right now,” I mumbled and he hummed. “One obstacle at a time, one at a time.”

“But if you keep putting things off the obstacles are just gonna stack on top of each other,” he warned and I pushed my food away, not feeling hungry anymore. Would I leave Tiffany if she wouldn’t marry me? Are we going to adopt a child together? What am I going to do about medical school? How will I improve my track records for next season? Am I scared of Jieun getting in the way of everything? Why can’t I just let loose with my friends anymore? I took a deep breath and cleared my head.

“It’s stacked up pretty damn high already, I’ll be fine,” I muttered and glanced at my tattoo. I kissed it and I felt better.

“Have you been talking to people, Taeng? Percussionists? Tiffany?” Xiumin asked.

“Yeah, we have a group chat and occasionally I hear from Tiffany. Sometimes I talk to Jessica too,” I said and felt my pager buzz. I checked it and noticed Dr. Huang was paging me to his office. Good we can talk. “I have a meeting with the doctor.”

“What about?” he asked.

“About fast-forwarding my education somehow,” I said to him. I asked to have a discussion about if there was any way to cut my time in medical school so I could graduate sooner. “I want to see if I can start residency sooner.”

“Good luck with that,” Xiumin waved and I waved back, making my way towards the doctor’s office.

Dr. Huang didn’t really seem to stand out or be exceptionally amazing at what he did, he was a regular physician. It made him less of an idol and more of an experienced senior, he wasn’t intimidating and that made him a lot more approachable. He was trustworthy and a hard worker. However, he was still my boss, per say, and I wanted to behave accordingly around him. “Doctor?” I knocked on his open door and he looked up, gesturing for me to sit. I closed the door and sat in the chair in front of his desk.

“Sorry I called you in during lunch, this is one of the only times I’m free and I feel like I’ve dragged out your request for too long.” It had been a few weeks after I first mentioned talking to him about shortening my medical school stay.

“It’s alright, Dr. Huang, I was finished eating anyway,” I said and he nodded, closing his laptop. “If it’s okay, I would like to start talking immediately. Is it possible for me to shorten my education at all?”

“I understand that you’re eager to sort this out and graduate early, but before we do, I would like to know why.” My breath caught in my throat. , I was worried about this. I was scared to tell him the truth, especially since that was what he would be looking for, I didn’t want to get discriminated out of a job before I even graduated school.

“Doctor, can I exercise my right for confidentiality between a student and a teacher?” I replied and he nodded. I took a breath and calmed my nerves. He can’t say anything now. “I’m in a long distance relationship with another woman,” I said and he coughed for a moment, caught off guard by my statement. I stopped for any sign of discomfort but he seemed surprised rather than disgusted. I guess I can continue. “I’ve been with her for a very long time and I’m eager to start a family with her, because of our situation neither of us can bear a child and if we want to adopt a child then I need a steady income. The sooner I can start my residency the better it would look on documents and the better it would be for our future as a family,” I explained and he nodded slowly. I gripped my jacket into a fist and waited for his response. Please just don’t shoot me down for having a girlfriend.

“I’m sure your peers also have partners and are thinking about starting families, why is it that you can’t wait like them?” he questioned and I took in another breath. There probably are people that have boyfriends and girlfriends, maybe some are even engaged. He’s right…why do I need to graduate early?

“I don’t want to give you a reason that makes it sound like I’m trying too hard, but I initially got into medicine because my grandparents made me. However, I started to look into it more, and I realized that I was in love with the idea of helping people and making them happy and healthy. That idea pulled me through the first four years of my undergrad, afterward I started looking at what I would do to earn my doctorate and felt like I couldn’t do it.” I really didn’t want to start crying in front of my supervisor but I did and I wiped my eyes before I could go out of control. Why are you so goddamn emotional? “In my second year of graduate school my girlfriend helped me through it and I don’t know if I would be here if it wasn’t for her help. I really owe it to her for sending me to medical school…I’m sorry, Doctor, I don’t want to give you a sob story.”

“I’m a doctor, Taeyeon, no story to me sounds like a ‘sob story’,” he said, using air quotes. “It’s part of the job to understand that everyone has their challenges and shouldn’t be taunted for them, please continue,” he urged and I breathed once more. I started to say things I didn’t even know I felt.

“I’m starting to lose her to her job, the one that makes our relationship long distance, and I think that if I don’t graduate sooner we won’t be able to stay together. I want my family soon, Doctor; I want her to be a part of my family. You’re married, Sir, can’t you understand what I’m feeling?” I wondered, finally noticing the ring on his left hand. He then twirled the ring around his finger and sighed with a nod.

“I’m going through a divorce actually,” he confessed and I bit my tongue. Oh my God I just made him think about his divorce! Dammit!

“I’m sorry, Sir,” I bowed and he shook his head.

“No, Taeyeon, it’s fine. My wife said that I spent too long in school rather than nurturing our relationship, so I can understand what you feel and I know what it’s like enough to say that it is a major concern,” he nodded and I folded my hands together. I don’t want to lose Tiffany. I didn’t want to fall apart in the end like the doctor and his wife. He handed me a pamphlet. “There is a select group of students who are eligible for another program that will cut your time in medical school by a year.”

“An entire year?” I repeated and he nodded. That’ll be great! I could do so many things for my career and my personal life in a year.

“You have great grades and you handle patients and tasks extremely well, you’re also trustworthy and medicine thrives on trust,” he added and I smiled. “If I switch you into the program, there will be set backs. You will have to continue through school during the summer.”

“So the year will be compensated in the summer?” I asked and he nodded. I can live with that. Oh but there will be holidays and family reunions in the summer. “Is there a maximum amount of days I can miss without spilling into another year?”

“You can spare a week if you choose to condense your education this summer,” he said and I bit my lip. It never goes on longer than a week anyway. I rubbed my face as I stared at the pamphlet. I’ll be busy with track until the summer, until then it’ll be a normal schedule for me, I can manage with work over the summer…right?

“I can work with that…” I decided with a nod. “Would I start on summer work this year?”

“You could, but since we’re close to summer it seems too little of a notice for your counselors at UCLA,” he shrugged. “You can also split time between this summer and the next to compensate the year. It’ll make your schedule more flexible but you won’t graduate as early as you can.”

“Then could I stretch it out over three summers instead of two?” I questioned and he made a face. “Sir?”

“If you don’t take this option you would only have two years of medical school,” he said and my eyes widened. I was told this would take five years!

“The normal case is four years?” I repeated and he nodded. “I was told medical school would take five years.”

“Do you have any scholarships beside your academic one?” he tapped his chin and I froze, realizing who told me medical school would take five years.

“I’m on the track and field team, the scholarship from that pays for everything from freshman year to med school graduation,” I mumbled and he frowned, crossing his arms. “They wanted to trick me into competing for them longer than I needed to…”